Hooray For Anything

2010-03-29T19:07:00.000-07:00

Saw "Hot Tub Hot Machine" over the weekend and first of all, it was awesome. Second of all, the movie was kind of weird in that it's being marketed as a raunchy, hip, adult comedy aimed primarily at people in their late teens or twenties. But the thing is it's mainly concerned with Gen X'ers and is, in some ways, a Gen X nostalgic flick-- it's a movie about three guys in their late 30's/early 40's going back to their 80's youth. In fact, the movie is very cleverly a teen flick featuring lots of drugs, rock n' roll, and boobs mainly about coming to grips with middle-age mediocrity and being beaten down by the choices that we made.

So congrats, us Gen X'ers-- we finally have our "Big Chill" but it involves a time-traveling hot tub and people doing coke while listening to Motley Crue.

2010-03-29T18:57:00.001-07:00

Somebody in our neighborhood drives a Smart Car and this weekend, the person who drove it used it to shimmy in behind another car in a spot it was maybe a wee too small for. The car isn't blocking a drive way but it's maybe a little in. Now, that might be fine if it's a normal car, like mine, but not so fine if it's a Smart Car. That's because Smart Cars aren't supposed to be put in a situation where they're up in somebody's driveway so if you do that, you're basically going against the whole point of the stupid thing

2010-03-22T18:42:00.001-07:00

Of the many reasons why being President would suck, one of them would have to be the fact that they're always working. It's not like they can "call in sick" and stay home to go skiing or catch up on Lost DVDs or they can't just decide that they're not into it and spend all day playing Tetris. Hell, they can't even really call in sick for real and so have to deal with Congressmen and foreign leaders while dealing with anything from a bad cold to the runs. And even when they do get a break, like on a weekend, they still get briefed every morning and they still probably have to put in at least an hours worth of phone calls and random BS and if anything happens, there goes that 6:00 showing of "Saw VI." Even those times when they actually get a vacation-- usually in August (or in the case of our last President, summer)-- they, again, still get briefed every morning and still have to be President and still respond to floods hitting major cities (or not).

Why I'm wondering this is because you'd think after passing Health Care, Obama would probably want a day off or at least have a mellow day so he can both rest up after all the craziness and so he can have a reflective moments for him to walk around the White House and think "oh yeah, FDR, I'm one bad-ass motherfucker too. " But I don't think he can't.

When I'm working, I usually work at places that have this huge project and or campaign coming up and everybody works their asses off to do it and when it all gets down and everything is perfect, the bosses let everyone take a day or two off or they tell them to come on in but take it easy for awhile and if you want to take that three hour lunch, go for it.

I don't think they can do that in the White House.

I'm back

2010-03-20T15:40:00.000-07:00

1)Had an interview with somebody who didn't describe the job responsibilities in typical third person ("we want this person to be able to do this and we want this person to be like that...") but in second person. As in "you would do this and you would that and when you start we'd have you do this and you'd have to do that." Due to her phrasing and several other odd things about the interview, I spent most of the interview thinking to myself "wait, does this mean I have the job? Should I start answer her questions as if I'm still trying to sell myself about the job or like I'll be seeing her next Monday to start working?" I didn't have the job.

2)Got a call from a temp agency around 10:30 in the morning about starting a 2 day job that afternoon at 1 PM. I told the guy I needed to think about it and called him back 15 minutes later saying I'd like to take the job. Since I took so long to call him back, he found somebody else to do it.

Now, you're supposed to say yes to whatever job you've been offered even if it starts in a few hours as it ultimately makes you look bad. However, the only reason why I didn't get the job is because I decided to think about it for about ten minutes. So bad for me, right? But he couldn't have expected that if he called me at 10 in the morning-- when I'm just drinking my coffee and checking my email-- that I'd be able to make a snap decision just like that could he? Some of us aren't good at making snap decisions like that, especially while still in their pjs.

3)Twice I've gotten calls about jobs in which somebody saw my resume somewhere (in these cases LinkedIn) and decided to give me a call based on what they saw. And twice now, they didn't really consider me for the job because they saw early on that I didn't have some of the experience they were looking for (including a computer program). But if they had contacted me over my resume, that would mean they saw my resume which would mean they could have actually seen what I had experience in and what I didn't. So why did they waste my time in calling me? If something's not listed on my resume, that's a pretty good indication I don't have the experience in doing it. Even worse, one of the people called me up about a phone interview and then completely flaked on doing the phone interview (flaked as in playing phone tag and then never calling me back). Thanks for playing.

2010-02-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

Last night I saw that NBC was gracious enough to show an award ceremony of somebody who was not in fact American. He was, in fact, Norwegian. Lest think NBC would show this due to some sense that we're all part of a larger world, one that does not revolve around the USA, the silver & bronze medal winners were American so I guess if you have to Americans on the podium, than Americans are able to stand watching some foreign person feeling patriotic over their foreign country.

I actually always liked seeing the award ceremonies centered around people from who aren't American because I like to hear other foreign countries national anthems and because I'm an American, still amazed that other people actually love a country that is not us.

So because I was so curious about the Norwegian national anthem, I dug around (meaning went to Wikipedia), and found the lyrics to their anthem:

We are Norway
Our country is so boring
And full of snow and fjords
We like to eat herring and pine for the fjords
Really, nothing happens here
Or ever happened here.
We are Norway, Our country is so dull

We are Norway
And we have free health care
We also have no poverty and there are no drive-bys
And nobody drives planes into government buildings
We are Norway
Suck it USA

2010-02-08T11:39:00.000-08:00

For those wondering what the latest trends in job hunting are, this is what I've been seing:

-Email screenings to determine if there's going to be a phone screening to determine if an actual in-person interview will happen. Sadly, none of the "How to Get a Job" books detail what you are and are not supposed to do on an email prescreen.

-Outsourced recruiters. Yep, that's right. I think some of the recruiters with whom I've talked to are in Bombay not in San Francisco. I could be wrong but I've gotten way too many calls from recruiters with thick Indian accents coming from all sorts of weird area codes. There is a certain irony, however, to the fact that people who help people who've been outsourced look for new work are getting outsourced themselves.

-Long, drawn out processes. Usually, if a company needs to hire somebody, they like to do it ASAP. This doesn't stop them from taking several weeks in between going from one part of the interview process (the prescreening) to the second part of the process. Of course, this could be because they didn't really like you that much and are just telling you that or it could mean that they're just so busy they don't even have time to hire somebody to help them be less busy but it could also mean that they've received so many resumes over the past few weeks that they're going to be really, really, really choosy. Why just talk to several people when you talk to 30 of them?

2010-01-28T11:16:00.001-08:00

Being President is an extremely tough job but one of the reasons for it is the fact that pretty much the moment they get sworn on, they are the Man in Charge and have shit to do even if their email systems might not be up. From there on, they have their standard "100 Days" thing in which they propose the bulk of their legislation and deal with whatever foreign policy mess issues left by their predecessor. In a lot of ways, their first year in office is their most important because it's their best chance to get things done and change things and when the expectations are at their highest. This means that a President has to be at the top of their game at the start of their Presidency. Make a foreign policy or legislative mistake and they're stuck dealing with it for the length of their Presidency.

What's tough about this is that in the real world, nobody expects you to be at the top of your game when you start. You just started a job-- how can people expect you to know and do everything? Whenever you show up for your first day on the job, you're usually told to go sit at your cubicle and given a manual to read, something you're stuck doing for a few days or so because usually your phone and email isn't set up yet. Then you're trained by either your boss or the person with whom you're replacing and only allowed to do the job by yourself after a few weeks of being there. Then, for a month, maybe two months, you're allowed the excuse that you've just started and only then will you start being held accountable. And yet, you're still not considered an expert in everything and whenever something big or major happens, people either go to the person with more experience, more senior than you, or the most knowlegable one. It takes a while before you've become a go-to person for everything.

But if you're President, there's no sitting at your cubicle for a few days reading instruction manuals. You have advisers but on day one you're in charge of making decisions and you often don't want training from the person you're replacing because you've spent a year bashing them while running for office and in some cases, you have to spend the better part of the year trying to clean up the hundred messes left by them. And, even worse, you don't get much of a leeway in regards to you being new. Nobody says, well it's okay he bombed North Korea or well, it's okay he gave away too much in the stimulus bill in a stupid attempt at being bipartisan because they're new.

It is, in a lot of ways, maybe the only job in which you have to be at your best at the beginning of the job then the remaining part.

2010-01-27T12:17:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to do something really crazy in Hotmail which is to set up a contact list of email addresses, mainly made up of people who aren't my contacts but with whom I need to correspond with. Because they keep on making Hotmail infinitely more complicated, thus suckier, I've had to click on the button for Hotmail Help to figure this all out. When you click on the button for Hotmail Help, a pop up window appears in front of your Hotmail page and gives you a menu of things to choose from in order to find the answer to your questions. The thing is that whenever you click on a subject, the first two things listed as instructions are to go to Hotmail and then log into Hotmail with your account information. This, of course, is really helpful information in that in order to get instructions on how to do things, you have to actually be logged into your Hotmail account.

2010-01-24T14:08:00.000-08:00

Somebody in this household bought this week's US Magazine and on it's cover is a picture of the Kardashian girls juxtaposed with pictures of the Kardashian girls as awkward teens with the headline reading "Look at them Wow!" The story discusses the usual blather about how awesome their lives were as kids as rich kids in LA but there is a section discussing how they went from rather plain (and cute) kids to the borderline (and not so borderline) porn star looking D-Level celebrities. There's a lot of discussion about diets and gym exercises and the discovery of designer clothes but left out of the discussion is the big ole huge plastic elephant sitting in the room. Well, that's not true-- one of them happily admits to a boob job and how ambivalent they were when they got them but in a moment of true Grrrrl Power, admits that she loves them now! Kim, however, denies plastic surgery but only in regards to rumored work on her posterior. This despite the fact that even on the cover it's obvious that her nose was several sizes bigger than it is now. My guess is that Kim and her fake-boobed sister both had a lot more work done then that.

This brings up in of yet another pet peeves, that of celebrity magazines constant celebration of celebrity beauty-- especially in those who were either not as attractive as before, weighed a bit more than before, and are over 40. No, the fact that these celebrities are "beautiful" is not the problem but the problem is that they always treat it as if it's the result of some sort of personal triumph after months of endless hard work when in the reality it was often being about stomach stapling, botox, plastic surgery, and a publicist. Not to mention the ability to afford personal trainers and chefs as well as the time to spend hours with the both of them. But none of these stories really get into that, they never for instance say "Jen's new nose job looks great!" Or "Lose Weight Just Like Angelina Did-- Not Eat for Days!" Or "How Sarah Jessica Parker Keeps Looking Young-- injecting botulism into her forehead!"

The worst offender of these is Madonna who, as we are constantly told, still looks fabulous at 50. Which she does. But she's also (probably, according to rumors) had major work done on her face, injects botox like a Haight Street junkie, and does so much yoga her arms look freakish.

Even worse, every few months, one of those magazines will have on it's cover a "shocking" write up on which celebrity has had which surgery but then two weeks later will put one of those celebrities on it's cover to talk about how all their dieting and working out has made them look as wonderful as they do.

Stars. They ARE just like us.

A few random things

2010-01-23T14:10:00.001-08:00

-As I never watched Conan or thought from what I saw that he was that particularly funny, I was sort of a passive observer through all this Late Night nonsense. In fact, I'm one of the few people who doesn't think Leno is Satan on earth and isn't to blame for all this (everyone's like "well why can't he just retire? as if Jay's being a dick for not wanting to). Considering Conan got $40 million as a severance package, it's too hard to feel bad about the whole thing. I'm also guessing that most of the people who are upset with him leaving either never really watched him or watched his 12:30 show as by all accounts, his 11:30 show kinda sucked. The reason I'm wondering if all the people who were doing some sort of protest had actually watched the show, the show would not be canceled. It also shows that as much as people like to think that everybody's online and uses Facebook and twitter, most people don't.

-I watched a few minutes of the first episode of Jersey Shore because I felt like I had to and thought it was kind of meh. Not because of the set up or the characters but because I've watched enough "Real World" to basically know everything that would help. In other words, I've already seen it even if the it did not involve crazy Italians from Jersey/New York. Yep, I've become jaded about reality shows.

-Worked on two post-interview thank you notes yesterday and spent about an hour/hour and a half on them. As I said about a hundred times elsewhere in this blog, I hate doing them because it's such a small thing to do yet one misspelled word or grammatical mistake and you could kiss the job goodbye. When I write them, I always think that it'll put me one step ahead of everyone else because I am the only one taking the time to write one of these things. I have a feeling that everybody else writes one and everybody else thinks the exact same thing. Because why else would anybody take the time to write those stupid things?

2010-01-20T22:56:00.000-08:00

I suppose it could be said that being a Democrat is a lot like being a Cubs fan in that the team you root for always loses and will always be doomed to lose but no matter what they do, you still root for them anyways. And sometimes...sometimes... it looks like they've really put a good team together and you get really excited and think this year could be the year and the season starts going and the team looks as good as advertised and then things get going and it's all looking good and then...boom! the team does what they always do, chokes and falls apart and your stuck rooting for a loser yet again.

If being a Democrat is like being a Cubs fan, the election on Tuesday was the equivalent of the Bartman game. Not necessarily because everything all changed due to a fluke occurrence (special election on a weird January date that everybody forgot about, really crappy Democratic candidate, winning candidate appeared in Cosmo), but because of the total choke job that followed the play.

God damnit

Up in the Air

2010-01-15T15:46:00.001-08:00

I saw "Up in the Air" last week and thought it was...interesting.

Here's the thing, on the one hand it might be one of the most devastating critiques of American Corporate/Economic culture in a recent movie, maybe the best since "Office Space." It's almost Marxian in it's takedown.

Here's what you get-- a bunch of corporations are going to lay a bunch of people off but are so lame about doing it, they hire "consultants" to do the work for them and lay all the people off. The "consultants" are shown not to be terribly concerned about what they're doing and it's implied that after the package they present to the person laid off is handed over with information and advice, they don't really want people to respond back and don't really care if they do.

Of course the corporation that lays people off would also like to make more profits, despite the fact they are said to be doing great what with the economic downturn and all, so decide that they need to cut their expenses. This means no more flying around laying people off and instead, they bring in Anna Kendrick's character to introduce a way to lay people off via video. Therefore, in an attempt to squeeze more profits than they already do, the company decides to do something that will only depersonalize the one service they do provide, a service that should in no way be done in any way that could be seen as impersonal. Later, it is shown that even though both Anna's character and George's character have disagreement's about the whole video thing, the company still sets it up and hires a bunch of youngish looking employees to lay people off while sitting in their cubicles.

And there you have it, everything that's wrong with our economic system excluding anything financial related-- downsizing, consultants (sorry certain readers), and increasing depersonalization in the name of increasing profits.

Now, this movie could be seen as a brutal takedown, and something more illuminating and entertaining than Michael Moore's last masturbation movie, but the movie isn't really about that. It's also part romantic comedy part character study of a man finding himself. As a result, the comment that the movie is trying to make doesn't last very long and becomes more part of the background then the story. And that's the problematic part of it.

Because it's a character study and a romantic comedy and because the main character is played by George Clooney we like the character. We root for him. Despite the fact he GOES AROUND THE COUNTRY FIRING PEOPLE. Not only that, he doesn't seem at all worry about the ramifications of what he does or care about what he's doing to other people. When you do see him let people go, he doesn't really come off as that good at it. The only time he expresses any issues with what he does is when they bring up the idea of video conferencing the layoffs and he brings up the issue of how it's always better to do it in person but he didn't do it as much for concern with the other person but because it would mean less time on the road. Now compare this with Kendrick's character who eventually can't take it and quits. In other words, she decided to save her soul-- Clooney's character doesn't. Yet we're still supposed to like him and wish for good things to happen to his character at the end of the movie. But this is not how we should feel. Instead, we should be hoping (as I was) that the movie should end with him being disembowled by one of the people he laid off.

2010-01-13T16:34:00.000-08:00

Sent in a resume to a place and got an email back wondering what I was doing since the last time I worked. Which was awhile ago.

Now this is always a bit of a sticky wicket because if you haven't worked in a long time, you could come off looking like a loser. This despite it being the worst economic crisis since the '30's. Or despite the fact there are also millions and millions of people who would therefore be classified as losers too.

So you have to spin it a bit to make it seem like you did more than sit on your ass and watch every Law & Order and Law & Order spinoff episode ever made. Or spent that time playing World of Warcraft, hanging out on Lost message boards, and seeing "Avatar" thirty times. Which is the kind of thing some of us did (especially since it's not like there's a lot of jobs out there). So, you have to come up with something positive sounding to make it seem like you were productive. For instance, things like this:

-Took a bunch of classes to enhance my knowledge of blah blah blah
-Decided to make lemonade out of a lemon and so decided to take up life long dream of writing the Great American Novel/training for a Triathalon event in Nepal
- Went to India to help give aid to lepers
-Read all of Tolstoy's masterworks
-Spent time working on relationship with Jesus

And there you have it-- each answer has it's advantages (it all looks like you did something to make either you or the world better) and disadvantages (who wants to go deal with lepers?) but either way nobody can look at that and say "wow, this guy is not a loser. I should hire them immediately!"

2010-01-11T18:18:00.000-08:00

It is often said that one of the best tools you have in order to look for jobs/switch jobs is LinkedIn. LinkedIn is, of course, like Facebook but for "professionals" which means it's like Facebook but without any of the fun parts.

The point of LinkedIn, we are told, is that it's really good for networking in that if you want to work at a place, you can go on LinkedIn and find which friend of a friend of a friend of a friend knows somebody who works at that company so that friend of a friend of a friend can get in contact with that person and ask them to spend some of their precious time and talk to that person's friend of a friend of a friend so that they're aware enough of that person to help them get a job at that company. Now, besides the fact it's often hard to rely on getting all of those friends of a friends of a friend to hook you up, all of this is important if you know of a place for which you want to work. If you want to just work and don't particularly care, this isn't that much of a help.

The other way this is supposed to help one get a job by having all those networks of connections somehow get a recommendation up to somebody involved in the place who is close enough to the job so that it could possibly help them. Which hasn't really worked for some of us yet.

This brings up another big thing about it which is the people you add to your connection list. Naturally, the bigger the network, the easier it is to use those connections to help get a job. That means that a lot of people just add you to their connection list no matter how tenuous the connection. As a result, I have a lot of people on my connection list who

-Worked at the same company but maybe emailed with once or twice while I was there
-People I worked with but whose main interaction largely consisted of saying hello to while on the way to the bathroom
-People I worked with who I thought were dicks
-People who I worked with and liked but subsequently realized were dicks.

So, yes, I have them as a potential "connection" to use as part of my network but how much help could somebody with whom the extent of my relationship was saying to them "hey, how are you" and "did you see the game last night?"

Of course, there's your profile and you could puff up your profile in case somebody is looking through profiles to see if they could find somebody to hire or any sort of thing like that. So people get "recommendations" put up on their site or write mission profiles or any sort of thing, all of which is important to a profile I guess but not nearly as being able to post pictures of your cat or a list of movies that you've seen over the past few months. I also noticed that you can't not recommend somebody or even diss that person in any way shape or form (like if you interviewed with them and they jerked you around or carried on a secret inter-office affair with and they dumped you because they were having another secret inter-office affair with their boss). What's the point of that, then? You're only going to ask somebody for a recommendation who would give you a nice recommendation. I guess somebody out there cares about the stuff and maybe recruiters care about that stuff but if I were a recruiter, I wouldn't even give much notice to Steve Jobs recommendation. I mean, sure, his products are what Angels would make if they built computers and mp3 music players but not even Steve would ask for recommendations from people who wouldn't give him one.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that out of all my years of being unemployed, LinkedIn's done shit for me.

2010-01-11T18:09:00.001-08:00

I realize that all things considering this sounds kind of lame, but I'm kinda sick of it being cold. And yes, it's only in the low 50's in SF.

The problem is that nobody in California thinks the weather is going to be anything but perfect so the place isn't really built for handling any sorts of non-perfect weather. As a result, with the exception of people who ski, nobody really has any winter clothes. And most places that aren't brand new aren't really built for cold weather so apartments are really drafty. I'm in my fifth apartment in this city and all of them got butt cold at night and none of them had great central heating. So basically, you're stuck in a cold apartment until you go out into some cold weather wearing clothes that aren't thick enough to go to a place that's either over-heated (the bus) or perfectly heated (office building/stores).

Which, again, doesn't sound bad but when you're home all day in a cold, draft apartment and then go out and take a walk in cold weather, it's not so fun.

2010-01-09T12:17:00.000-08:00

If you read through yesterday's unemployment numbers, you'll find some pretty depressing numbers. The numbers are even worse if you add what they call "discouraged workers" into the mix who are somehow dropped from the official totals because, well, you know..."quitters!"

But I think "discouraged workers" is an unfair term to call these folks because of the above reasons, that they don't count. By not counting them, it's sort of implying that they're "living on the dole" or just taking welfare money because they've lost their pluck. Therefore, I propose these titles as a way of maybe putting a better light on things-

-"Crawled on a couch in their pajamas softly crying into their whiskey glasses"
-"Busy packing to move back in with their parents well into their adult hood"
-"Taking a mental health break and catching up on all the previous seasons of 'Lost' before the new season begins."
-"Working on detailed and complicated revenge fantasies involving previous employers/bosses"
-"Contemplating ways to dumb down resume in order to get retail/admin type positions."
-"Trying to start revolution by posting on political blogs about impending takeover by Socialist/Corporatist forces."
-"Working on career change by thinking of all the professions that sound 'cool' only to realize they are completely nonviable and so start the process again to think about more completely nonviable career options."

2010-01-06T14:17:00.000-08:00

While I was away, I got an email about setting up a time to do a phone interview. I emailed them back and let them know when I'd be around but have yet to hear back about when they'd actually call me. This happens sometimes and it could often lead to one of those mystifying deals in which a job is blown due to the fact I was not able to do the phone interview when they actually called about the phone interview. Or in this case, because I was unable to do a phone interview during the Holidays in part because I was in Montana. Actually, it could be something else. See the person who contacted me had a Korean name that could either be one word or two words and as I don't know Korean names all that well, I didn't know just how many words it was supposed to be. I looked throughout her email to see what it was and responded back to her making her name just one word. I later realized it's supposed to be two words. So now I'm wondering if I totally screwed the pooch on that one just because I didn't get her somewhat exotic first name correct. I mean, if she was a Sue or a Jane I could be interviewing with them right now

Also, had an interview last week and while taking the bus, had somebody reeking of booze and cigarettes sit next to me. Luckily, he didn't sit next to me long enough to be one of those awful MUNI moments, but I still wonder whether he was next to me long enough that the stench he emanated somehow got on my suit which meant that I conducted my interview with a bit of his stench on me. Not good.

As for the interview, the place I talked to looked like it had been recently bombed out. There was no receptionist when you entered the office and when you did, you saw what should have been a very large reception/waiting room now completely empty except for a few chairs, a couch, a coffee table, and a massage chair (?). There was also four TVs hanging from the ceiling but none of them were on at the time and the file cabinets that were to each side of the room were completely empty. When I walked through the office to get to the bathroom, I saw aisle after aisle after aisle of completely empty cubicles and offices and it felt like to get to the bathroom, you had to make your way through a graveyard. There was, I noticed, maybe ten employees at the most in the actual office at that time. I should mention too that the whole thing was eerily like a 2000 dot-com crash office in that they had a massage chair, TVs in the reception area, and a primo real estate state featuring a primo view of North Beach but had nobody working there.

2010-01-04T18:50:00.001-08:00

Not that I've been pondering this that much, but... one point of debate is which job at Safeway would be better (meaning not suck as much) as other jobs. For instance, there's Stock Boy. They go around and fill aisles with food or put new items of food in the aisles. It would also (I'm guessing) involve going to the stockroom and meeting up with the delivery trucks to move the food items. The plus to this is that for the most part, you don't have to deal with the public or even maybe seen by the public as working there. On the other hand, you have to do a lot of heavy lifting and who wants to do that? Then there's the cashiers. These positions are probably the most visible of the positions and also the one where you get to engage the public the most. On the other hand, you are basically lifting up one item, waving them over some electronic device, and then putting them elsewhere. For hours. Upon hours. Upon hours.

Could it be any more boring? And unlock stocking where you could occasionally slack off or go slowly or people watch, you don't have a choice to do any of those things lest you get yelled out by some woman shopping while dragging her two precious kids along with her.

Then, of course, there are the baggers who I guess also sometimes work as cashiers. Anyways, they go from cashier to cashier helping out whomever needs help bagging a customers aisle. Now I can imagine this might be actually sorta fun because bagging has some element of thinking involved in that you have to figure out how to get which produce in which bag without destroying something. On the other hand, you have to do it quickly lest you delay somebody and if you slack on bagging items, you can throw the whole register aisle out of whack. That's bad. Plus, while it does take some sort of intellectual thought into putting items into a bag, it does not take that much of it.

So, the lesson in all this? Don't work at Safeway.

My New Career?

2010-01-04T12:08:00.000-08:00

Found this job posting on Craigslist (parenthesis mine):

Cannabis Dispensary Seeks Purchasing Agent

California’s most professional and legitimate medical cannabis dispensary is seeking a qualified Purchasing Agent.

We are a rapidly growing medical cannabis dispensary. We offer a fast-paced yet congenial and warm work environment, competitive rate of pay & benefits(!).

This position requires extensive experience and an intense passion for cannabis (meaning, a stoner). The ideal candidate spends numerous hours on weedtracker, THCFarmer, and ICMag. This candidate anxiously awaits each new Cannabis Culture and High Times magazine (and a bag of Doritos). If this sounds like you, please read our requirements below.

Applicants must possess:

- Extensive knowledge of medical cannabis strains and applications (dude, this is some kind green)
- Extensive knowledge of different types of molds, mildews, pesticides, additives, and any other contaminants (dude, this is some kind green)
- Excellent communication skills (ever heard a pot head try to talk?)
- Emotional stability and maturity (ever met a stoner?)
- The ability to remain calm under pressure or in intense situations (isn't that one of the points of smoking dope?)
- Tact and respect for others under pressure (dude, mellow out, man)
- Medical cannabis production experience (had a hydroponic grower in the back of their closet in college)
- Complex negotiation experience (dude, you'd reduce the price of the bag for an extra slice of pizza? NO WAY)
- College Degree or Equivalent Life Experience (isn't having an equivalent life experience and going to college the same thing?)
- 3 years of prior experience in customer relations or retail (dealt pot in college to earn money to go to Phis shows)
- A passion to serve the medical cannabis community

Please do not respond if you do not meet all of the above minimum qualifications.

If you think you can meet our requirements, please send an email with:

1. The subject line “Purchasing Agent – [Insert Your Name]”
2. A cover letter summarizing
a. Why you want to work in a medical cannabis dispensary
b. Your previous experience as a Purchasing Agent
3. Your resume

2009-12-18T13:17:00.000-08:00

What a strange profession dentistry is. Your basic function in life is to not only look into the mouth of other people but to poke and prod in there as well. Even worse, nobody enjoys the idea of visiting you and the actual experience of visiting you. People go years without seeing you just because they hate the experience of what you do to them. For it really isn't a great experience or a pleasant one. Even the less painful visit is still uncomfortable at best and slightly painful at worse. The cleaning device they use to clean your teeth, for instance, occasionally scoots up into painful places and makes a nasty, shrill sound like a saw cutting through metal and even if it doesn't hurt when it's being used, it feels like it should hurt.

One kind of interesting thing about being the dentist, however, is being able to watch people while they're being worked on. Because the dentist and dental assistant are basically hovering over you the entire time your teeth are being worked on they get to see how everyone reacts to things. I'm sure everybody is a little nervous when the whole thing starts but then you get to watch people's expressions as they go from nervous to calm or calm to uncomfortable or uncomfortable to really, really unhappy or sometimes from uncomfortable to clam to in pain all within a matter of secconds. And I'm sure sometimes most people go the full range of emotions, from calm to nervous to "get me the fuck out of here right the fuck now!" And you get to watch it all.

Which brings up another reason why people hate going to visit the dentist, between being forced to open wide, have things inserted and moved around the mouth, and letting your naked emotion show through, it's kind of an intimate thing.

2009-12-14T14:30:00.001-08:00

If you go to any ethnic restaurant in San Francisco-- hell, probably most of the country-- you'll find that whatever type of restaurant, be it Japanese or French or Middle Eastern, that the people doing the grimy, dirty jobs like dishwashers are all Hispanic. Over the weekend, Harlan and I went to a really good Mexican restaurant and halfway through dinner I began to wonder who does all the grimy work at a non-divey Mexican Restaurant? Poorer Mexicans? Guatemalans? Ethiopians? Laid off dot-commers?

2009-12-11T18:49:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I've mentioned that company that I interviewed with that went really well but had not heard a decision as of yet. It is now about a month since I first had my phone interview and two weeks from when I was sorta told I'd get an answer.

Since I really need a job and since the interview went really, really well and since it was a good job, I really wanted to know and so I tried to find out what the deal was from the person who conducted the interview process. Last week I sent an email on Tuesday asking him what's up and got nothing. On Thursday I emailed him and the other person I met with and not only asked what was up but mentioned that I had another possible opportunity but wanted to hear something from them before deciding what to do. Normally, this would make the person responsible want to let that person know what was going on because, you know, the inference that whatever information is to be had could be of importance. He never got back to me.

So I kept on trying. This Tuesday I tried to call him and did so six times without him ever picking up. On Wednesday, I left him a message and reiterated that while I was still interested in the job, I'd kinda like to know what's up because of this other opportunity, in a nice way of course. Nothing. Today I emailed the other person, who has been nothing but helpful and nice this whole time, and once again asked her what was going on and mentioned that her boss had yet to get in touch with me. This was done on purpose because I thought it would really get both of their attention if she had to go into the guy's office and get on his case about his inability to get in touch with me. Which is what she did- I quickly got an email from her saying that she talked to the guy and told him to get in touch with me. There was even a hint of "Geez, that guy's been a bit of a slacker" tone to the email.

Once again, nothing.

Now, to make some sort of decision about a job and then not letting other people know is a dick move. To continue to do so after one of those people sends a couple of emails and leaves a voice mail message is being even more of a dick. To even do so when a coworker tells you to do it is beyond being a dick into some sort of other realm of dickitude. You know, like beyond dickitude and somewhere into horrible, horrible person land.

Still, I need a job. And still, it's a good job and I have not officially been told they hired somebody else. And if they haven't hired somebody else, all these attempts to get through has to be a point in my favor. And even if I didn't get the job which is very well and most probably possible and a good thing considering his dickitude, I am still going to try. Because I think I deserve to know. Because it's job to let me know too. And because I'm going to get the fucker to do it, even if it involves me hanging outside their office all afternoon waiting for him to go and get a bag of Kettle Chips so I can ambush him.

It's on, motherfucker.

2009-12-10T20:24:00.001-08:00

Jesus, your Joe Lieberman or Olympia Snowe or Ben Nelson and the Senate has 58 or 59 votes to get what's supposedly a pretty decent (for our political system) health care bill and you're sitting there saying "no...nope....don't like that....maybe next time...not going to happen" over things that pretty much the most of the Senate and the House and the President think are okay.

How big of a dick are you? I mean, if this thing falls apart, maybe they should name people who die of some health care related issue caused by a lack of insurance "Death by Lieberman" or when they go bankrupt paying trying to pay off bills, you can say they've been "Snowed."

2009-12-10T20:09:00.000-08:00

Had a job interview that didn't go very well. I kinda flailed at the beginning of the thing and never really recovered until it was well past the point I could save myself. I've actually gotten really good at interviews these days and have my answers down pat and was feeling pretty good going in there but I just choked. I think it all went wrong when at the beginning, I tried to make a light-hearted joke, you know to show some personality and lighten up the mood, but the person who I was interviewing with didn't respond. I mean didn't even notice or do anything at all to make that made me aware of the fact I had made a joke. Nope, the person I was having a meeting with was one of those no-nonsense, serious types with little to none sense of humor and I pretty much started flailing the moment I realized I was playing to a rough crowd.

2009-12-07T20:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, so in this whole Tiger Woods thing we do have your usual assortment of skanks-- 10 at least so far. We even have your reality star and porn star to add to the list of the usual suspects of ex-models, cocktail waitresses, and "nightclub publicists."

So does this make this story exciting yet and Tiger less boring?

Nope. He's still as boring as ever, despite the rumors there was drugs (ambien) involved or he liked going "gloveless" or what have you. In fact, the sheer amount of the usual assortment of skanks makes it less boring as it's the same sort of people you'd expect a celebrity to have affairs with. Now, maybe if Chelsea Clinton or Emma Watson were involved...

Actually, the only thing that's not boring about this thing is that one of the tabloids is reporting that one of the woman was told by Tiger that his marriage to the Swedish model/nanny was done mainly for publicity reasons and wasn't really a marriage of love (other than love of money, of course). Why is this interesting? Because it confirms the theory that a huge percentage of athletes and the occasional singer/celebrity aren't actually real human beings as much as concoctions whipped up by their publicist/manager.

Which is what Tiger was. Which is why he's boring.

2009-12-03T19:26:00.001-08:00

Why do I love the internet? Because while trolling message boards on certain tv shows you can not only discover that the half-Italian half-Jewish more-cute-than-hot 24 year old lead actress in a TV show has done something you didn't expect to see of them, mainly nudity in a sex scene. And not only that, it's from a totally random thing and as such, impossible to find by conventional methods (ie-- going into Google and typing the words "actress" and "boobs"). Needless to say, thanks to the magic of YouTube, said clip is available to watch.

I, of course, watched

Now here's the thing. Part of the reason why it's obscure and hard to find is because it happened in the Broadway Play that made her famous and the idea of nudity in a play isn't something you hear of that often. And that the title of the play was "Spring Awakening" which sounds like it's one of those frothy musicals we all know and love. Turns out, however, it's not. It's a play that's been banned several times in several places and is more like something out of that movie "Kids" or "Bully" than the "Sound of Music" as it involves messed up kids doing messed up things to other people all in the name of trying/having/not having sex.

Still, yay boobies!

Except for the fact that the sex scene, which takes place on a bed hanging from the ceiling in the center of the stage, is not quite like sex and more quite like rape and she spends most of the scene fearfully and somewhat tearfully pleading that she's not sure about all of this. And to add to the fun, there's a choir kneeling around the bed singing a chipper sounding song that's actually kinda disturbing considering what's going on. The only thing I felt after watching the scene was creeped out. Also majorly awed by the major balls of said actress to not only perform the scene but do so surrounded by about fifteen people singing, in front of an audience of hundreds, day after day after day. And thanks to the internet, now it'll be hard to watch said actress in said show without thinking about said boobs being fondled while in the act of being raped.

Yay boobies?

Even worse,

Living on a Prayer

2009-12-03T18:58:00.001-08:00

And so my big dream a couple of days ago sorta came true and sorta didn't. Sorta did because I found out something about the job (no decision yet) but sorta not because I had to bug two people at the office for information, even lying about something, in order to get it what little information I did get. Actually, considering the person who appeared in my dream is still being a pud and hasn't responded to me, I guess the answer is sorta not more than sorta did.

Despite this, I have to say that for the most part, I've been treated rather well this unemployment go around. Other than the lame-ass HR person who made me think I got the job and this place, most of the people with whom I met with sent me emails giving me updates and were really polite about everything.

That doesn't mean I haven't had a few weird interviews, although nothing as bad as some of the one's I've been on. There was that one weird job, the one that could have involved travel to China, in which the job description was so vague that the recruiter and I spent a long time trying to figure out just what to put on my resume and to say. Turns out there was a reason for the vagueness because the person whom I met with admitted at the end of the interview that she didn't know what she was looking for exactly but just wanted to meet with people to see if a light bulb went off in her head while talking to them and realize what she wanted. When I told all of this to the recruiter, I could hear her eyes roll over the phone (I've actually gained a lot more respect for recruiters these days because I have a serious feeling that half of their jobs is dealing with employers who don't know what they're looking for but know they need somebody or employers who reject candidates for being exactly what they said they wanted because they decided they didn't really want that).

Then there was another job I interviewed for, a two to three month gig. The job was kinda low paying and beneath my skill set but whatever-- it was a job and it was doing some weird, nichey thing that I had plenty of experience in doing. Which became evident when they asked me a bunch of questions about how to do it and not only did I tell them exactly what to do but threw in some technical talk just to show them I really knew my shit. I met with two people and the second person with whom I met asked me what my process is doing this thing and when I talked about what and how I did things, he kept on saying "wow, that's exactly how we do it!" or "you use the exact same process that we do!" Turns out, however, I didn't because when I called the recruiter a few hours after the interview to check in (after driving home from Oakland in a nasty, nasty rain storm and driving over the Bay Bridge in pouring rain is NOT fun) the recruiter told me that they turned me down because they didn't think I knew how to do things and could "communicate the process." Or something like that-- the recruiter said he didn't really know what they meant as it was all kind of vague (see comments above about recruiters having to deal with flaky HR types).

The only thing I could think that happened on that interview, other than the fact they sucked, is that halfway through the interview I had a complete and total energy crash. The interview was on a Friday morning and it was my second interview of the week and fourth in two weeks. I also spent a lot of time at the Unemployment Office getting job help that week and had found out over the week that I had lost out on three jobs. In other words, I was pretty burned the fuck out. I also had to drive into the East Bay in crappy weather and apparently didn't drink nearly enough coffee. So I totally and completely crashed. I thought I hid it well but I also know that I wasn't as effusive and energetic as the interview went on. And sadly, in an interview, you have to perfect enough in the interview that the obvious appearance that you need a nap doesn't go over well.

Or, they could have just sucked.

2009-12-02T13:47:00.001-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I had an interview with some marketing company. It was one of the more unusual interviews that I've had in which they told me halfway through the prescreening phone call that they loved my resume so much they didn't really need to do a prescreening phone call and then during the interview, was told several times by the person in charge that the whole thing was a "great interview."

I know-- there's no way I'm going to get this job.

Anyways, this was a couple of weeks before and when I asked what the next steps were, I was told I'd hear something this week. It seemed rather a long wait at the time (about two weeks) but when you factor in Thanksgiving it made some sense. They didn't say when this week, however, which puts me in a bit of a crappy situation in that I don't know when I'd expect to hear anything and so this big, huge decision affecting my life is one in which I could hear about early Monday morning or late Friday afternoon or anywhere in between. This is a little on the stressful side, to say the least as now everytime I check my email or hear the phone go off, I wonder if it's it.

To head things off, I sent the guy an email yesterday asking him what was up. As of right now-- almost a day later-- I have yet to hear from him making me that more anxious and a little bit concerned that the guy is actually kind of a dick.

This morning, when I was in that half-awake/half-asleep state, I had a vivid dream where I was sitting at the desk of the guy in question who was telling me not to be so freaked out and that I'll find out on Thursday. He even told me that I'll either get an email saying I didn't get the job or that I should come in and meet more people and to once again, not stress over it.

Okay, yes, it's a dream, but where did the Thursday part come in? Did I just randomly pull it out of my subconscious ass or am I actually having some sort of premonition? The dream was pretty vivid too which it made all that stranger especially in light of the fact that unlike most weird dreams fraught with meaning, there were no midgets involved.

So, maybe tomorrow it is. If not, I'm thinking the Fatal Attraction scenario where I stalk him about the job to the point he might find a dead rabbit in his bed.

Tiger, Tiger Burning Bright

2009-11-30T16:36:00.001-08:00

I've been kind of enjoying the Tiger Woods "scandal" due to the fact I find Tiger to be possibly the most boring person on the planet. Well, that's not fair as I don't really know him so let's just say he might be the most boring athlete in the world. It's one of the reasons why I could care less about anything he accomplishes in his sport or anything that he does. The fact that I could care less about golf makes it even easier to not care about him.

The thing about Tiger is that he presents a totally bland, corporate, Nikefied persona. He's been so trained to say nothing but completely bland, innocuous and inoffensive things lest he get in trouble with a corporate sponsor, possible shoe buyer, and journalist that he's been completely wiped of a personality. Some stars out there who have been Nikefied still somehow show a dint of personality-- whether it's actually part of their personality is something we'll never know-- and come off a bit more likeable. LeBron has a good sense of humor and appears to really care about winning one for his hometown. Peyton Manning is mayonaise white, kinda goofy and dorky, and seems completely self-aware of just that fact (which is why he's great in all of his commercials). And some athletes strive to be completely Nikefied but either show too much of their personalities to have it work (Kobe), have too exciting of a personal life for people to get away with being seen as boring (Derek Jeter), or have a little too much edge showing through (Michael Jordan, who pretty much defined the Nikefied athlete, could somewhat get away with it because people always felt that he would bet away his mother to some sort of Saudi Opium Den if he liked the odds well enough).

Which leaves us with Tiger who had none of those things-- he never appeared to be "ha ha" funny, he didn't present any sort of personality, and he was completely scrubbed clean of anything possibly interesting. He was just one bland, corporate whoring, golf wizard. When that sportscaster made that quote about Tiger being lynched he just gave a press conference, smiled a whole lot, and said he didn't get offended at all. Nope, wouldn't want say something involving race that could piss somebody off and lose my deal with Buick.

Now that he's in a bit of a controversy, I'm feeling more disposed to Tiger because for the very first time in his public career, he actually let the mask drop a bit and show that he's actually a human being, albeit a super-rich one with a better class of mistresses to choose from. Yes, Tiger actually likes having sex and likes having sex with more than one person. How about that? And Tiger actually screwed something up big time. In fact, Tiger was caught doing pretty much what ever rich celebrity thinks they can do-- have lots of sex and get away with it not just from their wives but the press and police.

Yet still, I'm not impressed. It's only supposedly with one woman, a woman whose threatening to sue over it so it might not even be that woman. And maybe it was just a little fight between husband & wife, albeit one with lots of face scratching. So I'm not there yet. Let me see who the exactly was the Other Woman and what her story is (the sluttier, of course, the better). And let's see what other shoes drop. More women? Sex tape? D Level reality stars? Bisexuality? Coke addiction? Cause the more he shows acting like a human being, the more I'll like the fact that Tiger is a human being.

And if you don't think any of this matters and that it does nothing but harm for the athlete involved, two words: Alex Rodriguez.

2009-11-18T13:26:00.001-08:00

A few days ago, I got a call from some recruiters about a position they wanted me to go interview for. Now, the thing is, I have occasionally stretched the truth to get interviews and said I did things for which I did not do. This was one of those instances. Lately, I've been able to make it work and have been able to get myself an interview but this time, they actually had somebody on the staff who knew all the stuff I said I was doing and for thirty minutes, completely grilled me on this stuff. And not in any sort of way that would be easy to fake (like "how do you do this?" or "what would you do if this happens?" because I know enough about the stuff to come up with a semi-decent answer) but stuff I couldn't fake, stuff like "when did you do this? And how many times did you do this?" and "are you telling me that you've done this but the only time you did it was drunkenly at a party and it turns out you got it mixed up with 'Rock Band?'"

That was fun.

My only victory in the whole thing is that I didn't crack, didn't break down and tears and confess to everything and confess about things I never claimed to do ("I never climbed Mt. Everest either'"). In fact, I stayed strong and had the guy on the other end apoplectic on several occasions ("I don't get why you're saying 'Poker Face'" is your favorite song when according to Facebook it's one of those songs from 'Glee!' You don't even like Lady GaGa!"). Yay me.

The thing, though, is that when the recruiter told me about the job, he made it sound more entry-level and something I could do which is why I said sure, why not. Then I read the actual job description on the company's web site and realized that it was way over my head, so much so, I wasn't really comfortable even interviewing for the job and was contemplating telling the recruiter that I didn't want to do it. When the guy called every bluff I had ever made in my life, I didn't really freak out because it was my way of getting out of the situation as it were. I still did some amount of truth stretching (I had to) but I didn't really push it or stretch it that far. And when the guy started acting like a dick about it, whatever sort of flustered feeling that I had went away because I realized it was more fun to fuck with him than it was to panic over the interview. So, yeah, I lied a bit. But I was honest enough to realize my lying wasn't actually in my benefit so I purposely screwed it up.

Besides, the two recruiters I talked to were kind of dicks and deserved whatever shit I threw at them

2009-11-09T14:25:00.001-08:00

As I've seen more than my fair share of bands perform live on TV, mainly SNL but some of those stupid awards shows, I'm pretty sure there's some theorem out there that states that the less rocking the artist in question is, the more "rocking" members of the backup band will try to be. Take Taylor Swift's band on SNL-- Swift is a 20 year old sorta country artist who sings either peppy Avril Lavigne like pop songs or the occasional countrified ballad. There is no real rock involved in any of this and I'm pretty sure that's as it's supposed to be since I don't think Taylor's main motivation in life is to be a rock star. So naturally the guitarist in the band had some sort of Adam Lambert fauxhawk type hair, dressed in black, and wore guyliner. The bassist also wore black and spent the entire performance hopping around on his bass like he's Flea. I'm actually surprised he didn't pump his fist in the air a few times (which he might have done and missed).

The same would be true of Kelly Clarkson's backup band or Katy Perry's backup band or the backup band of anyone who appeared on "American Idol" and any other number of middling pop acts with a "rock edge" all of whom have the same type of "rockers" in their backup band. They all come with guys who dress up in black, have expensive haircuts, and treat songs "Since U Been Gone" like Pete Townshend would treat "Baba O'Riley."

I don't know why this is true as it's pretty silly and kinda out of place. Is it because say Taylor Swift's manager think she needs some more "edge" so hires "edgy" looking guitar players? Is it because they know the music is pretty tame and are overcompensating? Is it because they idolized Kurt Cobain and wanted to play in punk rock/art rock bands and make themselves look like fools as a physical manifestation of how they feel about themselves? Or, they could just think Taylor Swift rocks?

Or not.

Job Posting of the Day

2009-11-09T10:47:00.000-08:00

"Independent Marketer with The Trump Network. If you've ever wanted to start your own business and have immediate positive brand recognition, join this network while still in pre-launch! On November 13, 2009 in Miami, FL, Ideal Life will officially be known as The Trump Network. Everything Donald Trump does, makes money. Please either visit my website or get in touch with me to discuss further. Thank you.

See you at the top!"

Sorry for the political rant here

2009-11-07T10:51:00.000-08:00

I've slowly...slowly...started to ween myself off of politics/news, mainly because it was affecting my blood pressure. First it started with swearing off cable news and now I'm starting to ween myself on newspapers, even the NY Times and what not (I gave up on HuffPo weeks ago). Right now, I'm mainly getting my political news from either Talking Points Memo, Wonkette and Oh No They Didn't (they're reporting on the Rihanna/Chris Brown issue has been spectacular) and I feel better. Now if you're wondering why I'm not reading much in the way of politics right now, it's because I don't think I can stand to see anymore of these total pieces of bullshit masquerading as political reporting.

1)"It's time for Obama to be the leader we voted for"

What the fuck does that mean? How does one be that kind of leader? What do they think, that Obama can come walk to Capital Hill and dictate laws and bills like Moses giving everyone the Ten Commandments? "I present to you...a robust public option!" Should he give more speeches or act more like a parent talking to a whiny kid- "okay, if you don't pass health care without a public option, I'm going to send you all to bed without getting supper." Give Evan Bayh a mickey and have him "wake up" in a bed full of hookers and then blackmail him? Have you seen the Senate? Senators are nothing but a bunch of preening, attention whoring divas. And because the Republicans are filibustering everything, you need 60 votes to pass anything and there's no way you can get 60 Democratic Senators to even come together to pass a bill in praise of puppies. Lieberman himself would gaze lovingly in John McCain's eyes, threaten to filibuster the puppy bill, and then go on twenty political talk shows to talk about how awesome he is for being "so independent." Seriously, I bet Lieberman tapes himself on Sunday talk shows and watches them at night while he masturbates.

Which brings us too...

2)"Obama needs to stop being so bipartisan..."

Okay, the stimulus bill was probably watered down a bit to be "bipartisan" but that being said, it still took some serious watering down the watering down to get the 60 votes. But....see above about trying to get 60. If you have to take Olympia Snowe out, buy her a whole new wardrobe, give her free tickets to a Broadway show, and have some Norwegian dude named Hans to give her a months worth of free massages, you probably have to.

3)"Blah blah blah is a serious problem. Obama has to do something about it"

The first version of this column is something along the lines of "FlashForward started off decently but has progressively sucked since then. Obama has to do something about it." It's the relatively small, non-essential issue that a certain segment of people find important (and is important) but isn't really that big of a deal considering all the amazing amounts of crap we have to deal with. Unfortunately, everybody out there has kind of expected Obama to fix every thing in the world in the nine months or so he's been President so I'm seeing a lot of "I gave hundreds of dollars to Obama's campaign and he has yet to do anything about my downstairs neighbors drunkenly fighting all night. That's not the change I believed in!" comments posted on message boards

And then there's the second version of this story, the one that actually involves a real, serious issue. In today's NY Times, there's a column by somebody titled something like "Unemployment is a serious problem. Obama has to figure out something to do about it." It's like "Oh, really?" Do you not think the administration is concerned about unemployment? Are they sitting around thinking "eh, what's 10% unemployment? if you look at it another way, that means we have 90% employment!" And thank you for telling me that this is an important issue. I didn't realize 10% unemployment was that big of a deal.

And while sometimes the column is just 100 words of beating something totally obvious over the readers head, some columnist/pundits (most of whom has absolutely no expertise or knowledge in any of this) have a solution to this incredibly complicated, fucked up issue, which brings us to....

4)"Unless Obama does blah blah blah, dogs and cats will live together!"

There's several thousands of political reporters out there. And on top of that, several thousand political bloggers, each having about 100 or so commenters all with their own opinion of just what Obama should do. And every one of these people are completely and absolutely sure that they know exactly what needs to be done and if Obama doesn't do exactly everything they say, we're doomed.

And that brings us to the dual nature of punditry

5)"Obama is doing too much"

This will then be followed by a list of the things he should be focused on-- an often long, lengthy, and complicated list. Usually not mentioned in this list are anything that could help people who don't own beautiful condos in DC and estates in Virgina (see health care)

6)"Obama isn't doing enough"

Often written by the very same pundit who said the above thing about a week ago

7)"Obama proposed/passed/did this. This could be good news for the Republicans"
This story, basically one big fluffy hedge, is so common I wonder if there's a giant macro out there for pundits/columnists to write this story. Then, they go in and change the issue in question, plug in some new quotes by the same people they always get quotes from, and quickly have their agent get them booked on CNN

But sometimes those types of stories seem too weak, so for the past several years, I've been seeing this:

8)"Obama proposed/passed/did this. This is a win for Republicans"

See the Politico or the Note. It's actually a running joke on lefty blogs where whenever something good happens to Obama, somebody will say in the comments "this is a win for John McCain!"

For example....

9)"A deeply unpopular Governor and lousy Gubernatorial candidate lost which means Obama should probably just resign in shame. Wait, what? The Democrats actually picked up two congressional seats, including one they haven't held since the Civil War? Definitely a win for John McCain."

See this week's election. Seriously, it's like sometimes all the pundits get together before an election over drinks, decide what the storyline will be, and then go out and repeat it over and over again despite whatever the reality might be. Or if it's patently ridiculous.

All political pundits should be fired and forced to work at WalMart.

And, of course, the most obvious one of all:

10)"It was my views that lead to the Iraq war, which we fucked up, and which led us to fuck up Afghanistan, which also made everybody hate us. Oh, that and Guantanamo and all that torturing. Obviously, Obama should do everything I tell him."
I still believe that whenever Krauthammer, Kristol, Cheney, et al appear on TV, there should be a note on the screen listing every thing they've said over the years that turned out completely and totally wrong. And the fact that every reporter they talk to does not say "Yeah, so we followed your policies. How'd that work out for us? Why the fuck do we keep on booking you? Seriously?" is yet another reason I don't watch the news anymore.

2009-11-03T10:02:00.001-08:00

We've been watching "FlashForward" since the first episode and we have this weird love/hate thing with it in that parts of it are compelling enough to keep watching-- mainly the basic concept and all the dramatic possibilities the concept can lead to-- but other parts are just awful. The writing/acting/directing are all awful and there's plot holes that are completely swallowed up by other plot holes. In reading through message boards and reviews of the show, I'm pretty convinced part of the reason people are still watching this mess of a show is because it's fun to sit there and point out all the stupidity.

Anyways, like a lot of shows out there, a lot of the plot hinges on information gathered from computers, in this case, FBI computers. And like a lot of shows out there, the user interface is incredibly high-tech and colorful and full of all sorts of cool bells and whistles. And like a lot of shows out there, the computers are able to find all sorts of random and important information (like the population of crows in the world) with just a few presses of the button.

Yes, it's easy to make fun of all of this, but, really, how should they play it. I mean, how boring would it be if all the user interfaces in the computers look the way most user intranet sites look like-- bland, incredibly boring sites. Or how exciting would it be if to find information online, they'd show something that looked like Google.

Which brings up another thing. You know how everybody complains that there's never any traffic when people drive in these shows or there's always parking? Everybody always finds there information right away. I'd love to see a scene that's more realistic, like if somebody were to type in "population of crows" the computer would spit out a bunch of ads for pet products, the Black Crowes home page, LinkedIn and Facebook profiles of a whole bunch of people with Crow as their last name, and a ten year old GeoCities page dedicated to crows featuring horrific graphics and bad midi songs. Lest you think that would be silly and boring on a tv show, imaging the suspense that could happen when say the good guy is being chased and the person on the computer is unable to find the information needed because they keep on getting bad search information. "Hold on Jack, I'm having trouble finding out ways of defusing the bomb-- apparently there's a Death Metal band in Kansas with the same name and I keep on getting their MySpace page. Let me try another search....no damnit, I don't want the lyrics to 'Drop a Bomb on You!'"

Now that's what I call exciting TV.

Job Update

2009-11-02T15:37:00.000-08:00

I haven't heard back from that place I talked to last week, the one with the added bonus of a trip to Jamaica added to it. Since the boss-figure just started a two week vacation I do not know whether the lack of my hearing anything means that they decided it all before I left and nobody told me or that it'll be another few weeks before I hear something as there's nothing they can do while she's away in Ireland. While I don't think I got it, I would still like to hear because if you factor in a 1/2 an hour phone interview, a 2 1/12 hour interview with about another hour or so on top of that for dressing and driving over, and the two hours it took to send out five thank you notes, I feel like I should get at least something for my efforts.

Today I heard from three places-- a pretty good haul if you will. The first place I heard from told me to let me know when would be a good time for a job interview and when I replied back with my schedule, I got an email saying that the person who emailed me about the job will be out of the office for the rest of the week. So, I guess, then, he spent the hour or so that he was in the office to take care of stuff to email me and then hopped on a plane soon afterwards. Or did so while in a coffee shop at an airport.

I then heard from a recruiter about a position with a super huge, cool company for a position that I'm way too underqualified for but the recruiter said that the company always sends job descriptions that don't really reflect the actual job and that usually they send over people who meet every qualification only to hear that they were looking for something completely different and that sometimes they send over people with whom they think have no shot due to their lack of requested skills and were told that they were exactly what the company is looking for and hired. I have a feeling things like this always happen and I actually feel a little bit more sympathetic towards recruiters because if I were one, this type of shit would drive me up a fucking wall.

And finally, I heard from a temp agency wanting to know if I was still around. Funny thing about the temp agency is that I originally sent them my resume in April.

In conclusion-- maybe things are looking a bit up? Or maybe it's just some solar flair throwing everything out of whack.

2009-10-31T15:24:00.001-07:00

Just filled out another online job form (took me about ten minutes to do) and this one drove me crazy because it constantly asked for the particular country of either where I live or where I worked. This wouldn't be a big deal but you had to use a drop-down menu to get to your country and this brings up one of my big pet peeves about a lot of drop-down menus-

Basically, I hate it when either USA or America is not like the first option and instead, you have to scroll all the way down into the "U" for "United States of America." Yes, call me a small-minded America firster.

Now, I know what you're saying-- why should we get priority over, say, China or Denmark?

Well, to that I answer it's a job in America. With an American company.

So you might say, but a lot of companies are multi-national corporations and have places all over the world.

Well, to that I said there's a good chance that the company is only in America

So what if you're wrong and the company is in more places than you think?

Well, to that I said that might be true but do they really have to put Uganda, North Korean and Djubuti in your menu as I'm pretty sure Company X is not doing business in Pyongyang. And do you have to have between 5-10 instances where you have to enter the country because I wasted like five minutes constantly scrolling past those countries and others like Albania and Afghanistan. I mean, it's a company that's involved in cable TV and I'm pretty sure there's not a lot of cable in Albania and I'm really, really positive you cannot watch "Project Runway" on the Lifetime Channel even if you are a CIA operative living in the embassy.

And to that, you say, "yeah, that's a little friggin ridiculous."

2009-10-29T19:29:00.000-07:00

I hate doing thank you notes after an interview as I see it as one more possible chance to screw something up. Like they could be about to hire me and HR is already to find out if I should make shit loads of money or loads of money but then I send a thank you note with a misspelled word or a typo and here comes the "sorry, we're going with somebody else" email. All this worry despite the fact that from most indications, it doesn't matter. It's just another hoop to go through-- a box you're supposed to check-- and it's hazy as to whether or not people even read it. Yet, still, I find them nerve wracking to do.

During yesterday's interview, I met with five other people. For every person with whom I had to meet, I had about half an hour with them and when that time was up, they'd bring in the next person. And yes, it's grueling. But the question I had this morning-- the day after-- was that if I were going to send a thank you note, should I just send one to the boss, the entire group as a whole, or all five of them individually. The answer? Send one to each individual person. This meant having to write and send five thank you notes.

Okay, yes, I could just write one and send it all to the same people but most people said it's good to personalize it a bit to make it seem less like it's a form letter. This is also important because all of the people with whom I talked to all worked next to each other so if I did just copy the same text into each email, they'd all notice it. Again, it might not matter at all, but it could. This meant adding a little personal bit to each email which meant that, yes, that's five more chances to screw it up.

Took me all afternoon to get up the courage to finally send them. It didn't help that I kept on having images of all of them sitting there next to each other getting pinged by my thank you note within seconds of each other.

Lively Up Myself

2009-10-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

That whole confusion over phone numbers worked itself out pretty easily and as a result, I have an interview in a few hours. The thing is that while talking to the person who interviewed me, she at one point asked me if I don't mind traveling as the company has several off-sites that everyone attends. Later, when things were going rather well, she asked again if not only can I travel but would I be able to soon and have a passport. When I pressed her, she said the next off-site is in December and whomever they hire has to go despite the fact they just started a few weeks before the off-site. Thus the question about the passport. Oh, and the offsite? It'll be in Jamaica.

So, great, as if I don't have enough pressure on me just to get the job, I know now there's also a free trip to Jamaica riding on it.

And one more thing...

2009-10-26T12:31:00.001-07:00

...so the phone number that was given to me goes to the desk of another person, another person who doesn't appear to be there as she never picks up the phone. The phone with which the HR person called me doesn't quite work as it just rings and rings and rings. Then I decided to look up the office's phone number and found it on Google and so I called. It's a customer service line for something the company offers. I looked up the phone number in the white pages and Yelp only to discover they had the same wrong number too. Then I called 411 and, hold on to your seats, it was the same incorrect number. Either the company lied about their office phone number or just recently changed it and the new number hasn't taken hold yet.

So, in other words, I'm not exactly sure what to do here.

Today's Job Update

2009-10-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

I never heard back from the dumbass HR woman, the one who left me with such an ambiguous voice mail that I thought I had a job, about the status of the job as supposedly they were to have let me know mid-way last week. I'm pretty sure I didn't get it and I'm pretty sure I'm somewhat okay with it but I'd at least like to know for sure, especially in light of her making such a production out of that one phone call, and I've decided to hound her until I get an answer about the job. If she's going to be such a shitty HR person, I'm going to at least make her do her job and have to tell me I didn't get the job. I'm also doing this so she'll have to feel whatever sort of pain involved in telling somebody they don't have a job. If HR people do, in fact, feel pain.

This morning I emailed her only to find out she's now on vacation. For two weeks.

Anyways, this morning I got a call about another job. Funny thing about this one-- the HR person gave me the wrong # to call her back at.

2009-10-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I went to a wedding and while telling everyone my new found-love of Denmark, I heard from a Swedish woman who told me that everything I had heard about Denmark was true and that Denmark was a wondrous country full of shiny, happy people with not a care in the world as they lived on the Happiest Place on Earth. Even compared to Sweden who, despite the fact ABBA came from there, were a little bit more prone towards melancholy and sadness.

I am in love.

This made me think about why I've become feeling so socialist these days, more so than I usually am. And here's why-- I've been laid off at least three times in my life. How's that American Style capitalism working for me?

The other day, I was sitting in the jacuzzi at the Y and eavesdropping on a fifty-something guy talking to somebody else about his plight. He got a Masters in Computer Electronics when he was in school and has been a computer engineer all of his life. He recently got laid off from Microsoft and now he's basically looking for work, plowing through his savings, and coming close to running out unemployment. When the guy he was talking to asked what he was going to do, the man, with a barely disguised tone of disgust and despair in his voice, said that all the experts and politicians says he needs to go to community college to either sharpen his skills or learn something new. This man was in his 50's, had about thirty years of experience and a good education and now he was staring at the reality of having to go back to school to learn something new so he can get a lower-end job that would probably pay him at least half of what he was making before.

How's American style capitalism working for him?

Then there's this story, about how in order to survive, companies are cutting salaries, health care benefits, and 401K payouts. Somebody commented in the story about how he took a 10% pay cut in order to keep his job but was now slowly coming to realize that it'll probably take him 3-4 years before he can ever get enough in raises to get back to the salary he had before. On top of that, he's now paying more for health care so his expenses have gone up and he's earning less for retirement which means he either has to take more money out of his salary for retirement or retire later in life. Or work at Safeway.

So, how's American-style capitalism working for him and all the other people in the same boat?

2009-10-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

Just wondering-- when you write a check, how does the bank and or credit card company and or gas company know exactly the amount you're filling out the check for? Yes, it's really kind of easy in a lot of regards in that a lot of people have nice, clear handwriting and take the time to write their check with their nice handwriting but a lot of people (not me, of course) have bad handwriting and don't spend a lot of time making their checks legible. So, if say, you fill out a check for $28.78 but make the $28.78 part (or even the name of the company you're writing out the check for) so illegible that it doesn't even look like $28.78, how is the bank supposed to know? Do they just guess? Have handwriting experts to study it? Just take out a lot of money thinking that that's what the check writer would want?

2009-10-20T13:30:00.001-07:00

Last week, I had that job interview, the one I wrote earlier about getting the wrong instructions from the HR person. When the interview was over, I was told that I'd hear a decision about the job next Wednesday. That Wednesday being tomorrow.

About an hour ago, I got a voice mail message from the HR person saying "blah...blah...blah...I just wanted to talk you...blah...blah...blah...see what your availability is." Now, first off, HR people never call you about a job unless you get it-- if you don't get it, you get an email. Second of all, it's the day before I'm supposed to know. And finally, there's those magic words "availability." Why that word? All of this made me very cooly and calmly think about the possibility THAT THEY WERE ABOUT TO OFFER ME A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After all, why the call? And the words "availability?" Now that could have meant meeting with other people, or so I realized after almost having a heart attack, but I did have an interview with President of the company. Who else would I need to meet with?

Oh yeah, and there's the fact I'm not necessarily sure I'd like the job, let alone be good with it.

Heart racing, I called the HR person back, thinking that it was either-- at best-- the start of the long negotiation at employment or --at worst-- the scheduling of one more interview round.

It was neither-- the HR person was just calling me back to get feedback about last week's meeting. A week after the meeting. Not the day after or the day or but a week after. It was also to tell me they'll have a decision tomorrow. Which they said would happen-- last week.

Oh, when I called and introduced myself, she said "how did it go this morning." To which I naturally paused as I had no idea what she was talking about. Which means there's a very probably chance she called me instead of the person who interviewed there this morning.

This week's Love/Hate U2 Index

2009-10-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

I read a write up of U2's big show in Dallas and there was a listing of celebrities who went to the show, including Tiger Woods. Right before "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" Bono decides to dedicate the song to Tiger. So I'm thinking, can you think of a more blatant rock star move, to dedicate a well-beloved song, inspirational song to a bajillionaire sports athlete whom you hang out with? And the way it's done makes it come off as one big inside joke between the world-famous rock star and the world-famous golfing icon. "Yeah, this song goes out to my buddy Tiger Woods who was just saying he'd like to win more tournaments and make millions of dollars-- take it away Edge!!!!!!!!"

What's next, dedicating to "One" to the rumored-to-be squabbling Brangelina and Bono's neighbors in the South of France? "Beautiful Day" to all the recently laid off investment bankers who managed Bono's portfolio?

2009-10-19T19:18:00.001-07:00

I've been slacking off at the gym for the past few weeks and haven't really seriously gone in awhile. When I started going again, I noticed that several people who are always there were no longer there. This was a little disconcerting in that I started to wonder where could they have gone to in the few weeks that I had stopped going? Unless they suddenly decided to not go to the gym, why wouldn't I see them again? To make things even more intriguing is that one of them, the super crazy fitness girl, was no longer at the gym, but there were pictures of her all over the gym. Had she achieved such a state of fitness perfection that she had ascended to a higher fitness plane?

And today I saw them, both of them, working out as if nothing had changed. Everything is back in it's right place.

2009-10-15T17:21:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to use my ATM/Credit card to buy a bottle of wine and the card got denied. As in can't use the ATM card AT ALL. This is always a scary thing, especially when you're unemployed and not bringing in a lot of income. Oh, I have money and I knew I had money when I bought the wine, but still there were a few moments there when I was thinking "oh shit, I'm broke. I guess I'm going to be sharing the cat food with the cat."

Turns out one of the places I used the card got hacked over the past week and the bank decided to shut down my card. Great for them but you know, it would have been nice to have known that beforehand.

Now the actual point of this post is completely different, but....

Way back before banks went kablooie, you were able to pay credit cards off online pretty much the day before it was due. This made sense because we have computers and all sorts of fancy technology and it's just a matter of certain beeps connecting with other beeps to create a happy beep. Suddenly, I've been noticing that it's no longer possible for banks to handle payments online in one day. For whatever reason, they say they need three days to handle this. I guess maybe the servers are really busy these days. Or the electronic request gets printed out and give to a Wells Fargo stagecoach to hand over to a bank manager.

Luckily, the banks have figured out a way to help all of us who are sporadically late with our payments, they can actually send the money electronically in a day BUT you have to pay an extra $15. That Wells Fargo stagecoach guy needs to feed his family, you know. I guess what this means is that paying a credit card electronically is like buying something on Amazon these days in that whenever you do it, you have a selection of different shipping options.

God damn fucking banks.

2009-10-15T13:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's job interview had a whole new wrinkle, that being the HR person telling me to go to the wrong place. Well, actually I went to the right place but it had the wrong Suite # on it and so was sent from the actual place I was supposed to go to the corporate office across the courtyard so I could ping the HR person and ask where the fuck I was supposed to go. I was, of course, officially late when I went up to buzz the HR person and asking a HR person for directions because you're lost never looks good. Yay me.

As I said, I did go to the right place but one of the things that looked screwy was that the entire company was sitting around a conference table having a team meeting. A team meeting that was going on when I was supposed to have an interview. Not a really good time to have to go walking into a place. I eventually said "screw it" and knocked on the door to get somebody's attention but here's the other thing about my instructions from the HR person-- she didn't actually say who I was supposed to meet with so when the person came to get me, all I could say was that I'm here to meet with somebody about an interview but that was about it. Oh, and as I also had the wrong suite #, I was quickly shooed out of there.

Luckily, this all got sorted out fairly quickly and I was brought back into the correct office and placed in a meeting room far, far away from everybody else. Unfortunately, nobody came to meet with me. As I was going on minute 10 I began to debate when I would call the HR person to see what was going on but somebody came in. Then they left and another person came in. Then that was over and when they asked me if I was supposed to meet with anybody else, I told them I had no idea. Since he didn't either, he told me to wait here while he figures out what to do next and if there's nobody else to see, he'll escort me out. Ten minutes later, nobody came. Once again I began to debate whether to call HR or to just wander out.

Luckily somebody else came in, a big tall guy who looked like David Wallace from the Office. He asked me a few basic questions and then moved onto the "so what do you like to do in your free time" type questions, you know, the questions that people ask when they've run out of questions and want to be polite. So wanting to be polite back, I asked the guy what he did at the company. Turns out he was the guy who ran the place. And here he was, hearing me go on about how much I like to watch TV.

The interview ended and he asked me if there was anybody else I was supposed to meet. When I told him I didn't know, he said he'd go find out and then get back to me. And, like everybody else, he wandered off and wandered off and didn't return. One minute...five minutes...almost ten minutes in and he finally returned back so that nope, that was it and I was done and then the guy who ran the company, the guy who founded it and built it escorted me out of the office as if he had nothing else to do with his time.

2009-10-13T19:42:00.001-07:00

Got a voice message from one of my recruiters about a possible job that he needed to fill very quickly. In the message he also said that it won't be in the "Bay Area." So I'm thinking, what San Jose? Campbell? Antioch? At this point, sure, why not?

Turns out by "not in the Bay Area" he didn't mean Los Gatos, he meant Austin Texas. Yes, a recruiter from here called me about a job he's looking to fill in Austin Texas.

Now why would he think I'd be interested in a job in Austin? He's either really, really desperate or thinks that I'm really, really desperate. Which I am, but that's a whole other thing. So I added up the pluses and minuses of moving there to try and see whether it's worth or not

Positive
-It's a job and they must be so desperate for a job they'd hire even me
-They must be really desperate for a job
-Austin is supposed to be a really nice
-It's only for six months.

And the negatives?
-It's a bit of a commute
-IT'S IN FUCKING TEXAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously, I'm not going to even think about it. Unless the recruiter offers to fly me down there myself in which case I'll go but only because, hello "free trip!"

Another thing about going to the theater

2009-10-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

-Before the movie started, I went to the bathroom where I was, umm, in a position where I wasn't standing and heard this loud whooosh sound, like a train going past followed by some mild shaking and the rattling of the bathroom stall walls. First reaction was that it was an earthquake but strangely didn't panic or make much of it for whatever reason (that's kind of atypical of me, actually, as being on a toilet during any sort of bad thing is a huge phobia of mine and if anybody says that's silly and they don't have that fear, they are lying). Instead, it occurred to me, that what happened was that a movie next to the bathroom was so loud that it rattled the men's room. Yay Hollywood!

-As usual, there was the assortment of people talking through the movie which was slightly tolerable since it's a horror movie and that's what you kinda do in horror movies as it's a good way to relieve tension or share what you're going through with people. Still, it's hard to tell that all of this is because it's a horror movie or because they like talking in movies. Then there was the guy with the cell phone. Now, sadly, we've all gotten to the point where we all kind of expect somebody to bust out a cell phone during a movie. However, whipping your cell phone out towards the end of the movie as what should be obvious as the final scene of the movie, the scene that the entire movie had been building to and the scene where the big, big, big scares happen is slightly on the you're a motherfucking doucehbag asshole side of things.

2009-10-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

Went to "Paranormal Activity," that super low-budget film that could and could also scare the crap out of people, and as Harlan and I were in line outside the theater, we noticed a woman with one of those annoying Paris Hilton type dogs stuffed inside her sleeveless jacket walking towards the ticket line. It took us a few seconds to realize that what she was going to try and do was bring the dog into the movie. And not only that, she was going to do it by stuffing the dog into her jacket so that she could close the jacket around the dog and sneak into the theater with the dog so stuffed inside the jacket that nobody would notice about a big bulge coming out of her jacket.

The obvious question is "what the hell is she thinking?" followed quickly by "what the fuck?" Who the hell brings a dog into a movie theater? What is she going to do once she gets in there, let the dog roam free? Keep the dog in her jacket? It might make sense if she were seeing a quiet, thoughtful, indie type movie but my guess is she was there to see your typical blow 'em up movie which I'm sure a dog would love to be present for what with dogs noted love of loud noises. I'm really sure somebody in the audience would love to be unable to hear something due to a dog barking in a movie. Or because the dog was running around and trying to bite your leg.

When I saw her, we were close to handing in our ticket and I thought about saying something. I, of course, did nothing. I did talk about the woman really loud in line but I don't think anybody heard me or even cared. I also thought about telling security but I mainly thought about saying something while in the movie and not even close to a time when anybody could do anything about it. I'm also pretty sure that even those people in the theater who noticed a dog sitting near them didn't say anything. And so a woman who stuffed a dog into her jacket to sneak it into a theater pretty much got away in doing so another line in jackass movie theater behavior has been crossed and Western Civilization moves a little closer to it's end.

Fear of Flying

2009-10-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

I am not a good flyer. I'm actually a really bad one these days-- completely anxious, terrified, and doped up on tranquilizers. I haven't had one in awhile, but I have occasionally had a full blown "JESUS CHRIST, I NEED TO GET OFF THIS THING!!!!!" panic attack several times in the past. The thing is, though, that I've flown probably over 100 times in the past, including many long flights overseas, and didn't have a problem. My fear of flying seems to only have occurred in the past five years or so.

Recently I flew back east and while fending off another panic attack, I began to think about my fear of flying and how it's one of the more common fears out there and how there's a good chance that I'm not the only one freaking out. Here's what I came up with:

Okay, say you're on a flight of about 100 people. I'd say that maybe 3/4's of them are perfectly fine and happy, or at least as fine and happy as one can be on a plane flight. That means that maybe a quarter of the people on the plane aren't as fine and happy as the others and are struggling a bit on the plane. A good many of those people are dealing with it through the simple usage of tranquilizers (something shared by many in the plane who are not freaking out) and a few on top of that are using some sort of mental practice/act they learned from somebody (deep breathing techniques, constant thought about puppies) to calm themselves down. Which leaves us with maybe five (?) at the most (least?) who are having full blown, heart pounding, "GET ME OFF THIS THING" panic attacks and are having them throughout most of the flight. So while you're walking up and down the aisle or avoiding the random stranger whose too fat for their seat, just think that there's a slight chance they could be praying to their God at that very moment.

This got me wondering about Flight Attendants and how many times they have to deal with a passenger who is freaking the shit out at various times during a flight. Like they try to get off the flight before it takes off or thinks they're having a heart attack or some other example of bad, bad mental shit going down. Once a flight? Every once in awhile? Once a year? Never? Are Flight Attendants trained in calming people down? Is there anything they can do? Anything they should do? After all, other passengers on a plane are probably not thrilled with sitting nearby a passenger who is screaming out loud about death and crashes. I always wondered if Flight Attendants had valium somewhere on the plane that they whip out for freaked out passengers but was told they didn't for the somewhat logical reason that it could easily lead to law suits if things go down.

Either way, I still hate flying.

I'm Leaving, On a Jetplane....

2009-10-06T11:11:00.001-07:00

If you ever want to see an example of the American caste system at work, nothing illustrates it more than taking a trip on an airplane. When most of us have to stand in often long lines to check in, first class passengers get their own special, short line. While we have to muddle on through long security lines and take off our shoes, first class passengers just basically walk through their very own security line where they get waived on through in seconds. What? First class passengers can't be potential terrorists! They're First Class Passengers! Terrorists would never buy an expensive plane ticket to fly somewhere and blow it up! Once past security, we have to spend countless hours walking up and down a dull and dizzying array of bookstores and chain food restaurants to kill time First Class Passengers, however, get to have their very own special lounge where they get to sip mai tais, watch tv, and who knows-- get massages from Thai women in slinky dress. It's hard to know what exactly goes on in those lounges as very often, we can't see them, hidden as they are from the gaze of the unwashed masses.

Then, of course, comes the actual flight. First Class Passengers get to board first and then sit comfortably in their wide and comfortable seats while the rest of us have to sit in the cramped, narrow, tight main cabin where kids run up and down the aisles, food consists of two packs of pretzels, and you have to contort yourself in often unusual positions to keep from getting elbowed by the person next to you. Naturally, this is never seen by the people in First Class as there's usually some sort of drape that gets pulled between the two sections so the First Class doesn't have to worry about having their comfortable, relaxing trip sullied by views of the untouchables. They even have their own bathroom so as to prevent them to have to shit in the same toilets as the rest of us.

And as the plane ride ends and the pilot says his farewells, thanks is given to everyone who flew, but most especially the First Class and Business Class fliers for their blessing the airline with their presence. It is often at this moment that I wonder whether we too should thank the people in the First Class too for blessing us with their presence.

Elevation

2009-09-14T17:03:00.001-07:00

I was watching Mad Men and started tripping out on all the people who are depicted in the show as having jobs as elevator attendants-- you know, they open and close the door and push the floor buttons so other, mainly upper-middle class white people, don't have to struggle with reaching forward and pressing something.

What's tripping me out is that at some point in this country, there was enough money in this economy to hire people to do even that crappy of a job. I know it's a pretty silly job and it's not like it's necessarily needed, but somewhere along the line, all the companies that had one decided that it's a cost that needed to be cut. So where and to what did all of that saved money go to? Did it go to create more, better paying jobs? Did it go to give employees better salaries because way back in the 50's and 60's people weren't making enough? Or did it go into profits and bonuses and what not?

Hmmm........I wonder....

Want to Take You To...Shantytown

2009-09-12T15:24:00.000-07:00

We were at the Ferry Building last weekend on a nice, somewhat lovely day and after drinking wine and eating bread and cheese, we decided to grab some incredible coffee and head on out into the sunshine, grab a bench, and look out over the Bay. There was a slight problem, however, in that once we stepped outside, we were greeted by a street musician loudly playing in front of everybody so that no matter where you sat, you'd still be able to hear her. Now, this can be all fine and dandy if the street musician was good but in no way, shape or form could this street musician be described as good. Among other things, she played an accordion. And sang along to that accordion badly-- very, very badly-- and sung songs that were completely unknown as they were completely illegible.

Now it is pretty much impossible to make nice, relaxing, beautiful music with an accordion. The only people who like music made from accordions are Pirates and Italian maitre d's in cartoons. Yet this woman took it upon herself to serenade tens of people in a nice, pretty place with a pretty view in front of a nice, somewhat fancy-shmancy shopping thingamabob. A nice, pretty place with a pretty view that, I might add, features outdoor seating for the fish restaurant there. To say this was a buzzkill would be a vast understatement. I should also add that the woman in question was young-ish and flashing the very latest in punk/homeless fashion complete with an assymetrical haircut giving one the impression that this was some sort of punkish maneuver too-- punk being predicated on the belief that anybody could make music, even if they had not a dollop of talent as it's more about attitude and heart than skills and ability. Or it could be some sort of arty/indie musician thing much like the guy in college who thought he was cooler than everyone because he listened to Edith Piaf. And nothing says twee more like an accordion and the kids do love their cutesy, indie, thoroughly annoying twee bands.

So basically, what we have here is an arty, punker, possibly homeless woman with an accordion seeing a bunch of indecipherable songs in front of shoppers, eaters, and resters. And nobody seemed to mind. Or notice. Or say anything. I think.

We walked out and upon seeing her and hearing her, decided to grab a bench far, far away from where she was. I did notice that the benches were a little clearer nearer her than further away from her but not that noticeably and there were still people enjoying a perfectly nice if albeit sonically raped oyster lunch. Did they care? Did the store owners care? Did the taste police care? As we sat there, she went on and on and on so nobody did much of anything for awhile. Was it because we were the only one's to find her music dreadful or were people just too polite to actually bring the fuzz in to stop her? Or was it just that everyone was being totally San Franciscan and thinking that we could say something but that would be a drag, man.

And you know what? As much as she sucked, I still kinda have to give her my props. Girl has balls. Big, bouncy, rock solid balls.

You go, girl. Just not anywhere near me.

Around the Dial

2009-09-03T17:05:00.000-07:00

The Giants, who are in a pennant race, are playing their games right now on the east coast so the games take place around the time I go to the gym. I would love to be able to listen to the game at the gym, which would give me more motivation to actually go to the gym, but it's not possible for me to actually do so. Neither the iPod or the iPhone will allow you to listen to the radio, or at least sports on the radio.

The funny thing is that way back in the pre-iEverything days, you could actually listen to the games. Those discmans that you could buy often came with radio presets so you could do things like go to the gym and listen to baseball. Our recent technological doohickies don't have that capability. So, we've somehow gotten to the point where I could be dropped somewhere in Albania and find the closest dim sum place, read reviews about it and get directions to it but I can't do something as basic as listen to a baseball game.

I can, however, get pinged with the final score whenever the game ends which is pretty cool.

Crazy Like a Fox

2009-09-03T15:15:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've heard the story out today that Obama is planning on giving some sort of "stay in school/study real hard/don't spend all day on Facebook" broadcast to all the kiddies on September 8th and all the Conservatives are up in arms in fear that Obama will really say "The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains...Workingmen of all countries, unite!" or "The Negro revolution is controlled by foxy white liberals, by the Government itself." This, of course, is preposterous, insane, stupid, and ignorant to say all of this especially in light of the fact that every President since like, ever (or at least as long as there was video hookup) has done the same thing.

The question, of course, is just what the hell is up with all this insanity we've been seeing over the summer? Have conservatives officially gone full-retard? Or is it all some sort of nefarious plot?

It's a plot

Here's what I think is going on- Conservatives have decided to intentionally throw so much stupidity, craziness, and bat shit insanity that at some point all of us sane, rational, intelligent people on the left will just grow so dispirited by the whole thing that after banging our heads against the table too many times, we all decide to throw in the towel, give up, and just accept the fact that we're friggin' doomed and either drink ourselves silly until the Chinese take over or declare ourselves political exiles in some Scandinavian country (when people tell me it can't be done I say that all I would have to do is show them some videos of a Town Hall meeting or any episode of Glen Beck and and tell them "see, you live in a country like that?" and that should probably work).

If you need an example of just what they're doing, think of Terrell Owens. Owens plays on a team and then decides that for whatever reason, he doesn't like where he is anymore and decides to act like a jackass to get himself out from where he is. So he calls the QB gay, answers cell phone calls on the sidelines, holds out for more money and holds a press conference from his drive way while doing push ups. The team that he plays for eventually has to decide whether to give TO what he wants (trade him) or try and work with him in hopes he doesn't eventually take the team down with him. The conservatives are TO and and we, the sane part of the American Democratic Experiment, are the 49ers/Eagles/Cowboys.

This is plan is especially potent in light of the fact that one of the reasons we all took joy in Obama was that it showed, or at least we hope it showed, that adults had finally taken over the country and that we, as a country, will finally have an intelligent, enlightened debate about the myriad of problems facing the country, all led by a calm, intelligent, deeply rational President who for some misbegotten notion, thought he could talk to us like adults.

And there goes that.

Oh, and TO usually winds up getting what he wants.

2009-09-01T16:54:00.000-07:00

When you think of the Great Depression, you always think about those images of those poor Okies getting thrown off their land and into John Steinback novels or all those men in suits in line at a food kitchen waiting for food. So what images will we think of when we consider the current economic calamity? How about this-- middle aged male pacing in the patio of a coffee shop in the middle of the afternoon, talking business on an ear piece attached to his iPhone. Or the guy at the unemployment office on hold with the unemployment people, typing away on his blackberry.

Or me, surfing the web on a bus on the way to an interview.

...don't hate...

2009-08-31T15:52:00.000-07:00

It is one of those fun things about today's economy is that when dealing with recruiters/potential employers, they have to go through the rigamorale of letting each applicant know that there might be issues/items about the job that might be of concern to the applicant despite the fact that at this point, those of us who have been unemployed for awhile are pretty much willing to do anything if the pay is decent and does not involve having to wear any sort of apron. What I mean is that my recruiters will often preface a possible job with a "well, this job is in Bakersfield, they can only pay you in magic beans and you have to fight all the other applicants in gladiator style combat to get this job so is that okay by you?" And I, of course, have to say "sure, if I get up at 3 in the morning, I could make it to Bakersfield by 8, magic beans can turn into bean stalks, and I love gladiator flicks so let's go for it!"

And speaking of not working, I have not only gone past the sweatpants phase of unemployment but gone into the pajamas phase. For most of the week, I go through life in either a t-shirt, sweatshirt, shorts ensemble or a tshirt/sweatshirt/pajama bottom ensemble. Lately, on those few occasions when I do go out, I have a strange desire to actually dress slightly up because in some ways, I miss having to dress up somewhat nicely. Or shall I say I miss the fact that I have a reason to dress up somewhat nicely. So lately, when I have been going out, I've been wearing non-jeans pants and stylish sneakers. All of which means that I actually dressed somewhat nicely when I saw the doctor today.

There's another odd thing that happens when I go out, especially during the day, in that I see people who actually have jobs and I'm kind of amazed by it. It seems rather odd to me because between my adventures, adventures of other people I know, and all the news stories, I'm often surprised that some people still have jobs and live rather normal, mundane lives where they leave the house during the day and make money. I wrote earlier how this economic cluster fuck feels like the plague and walking downtown in the morning or afternoon has that feeling of walking amongst survivors of some awful catastrophe. Oh, to be an office drone and spend eight hours in a cubicle, bitching about your boss and your bosses boss.

2009-08-26T15:13:00.000-07:00

Lately I notice that if turned down for a job, the company will tell me how great it was to have met me and while they won't actually hire me, they will keep my resume on file in case something happens. This is supposed to make me feel better, as I now know that if the person they hire refuses the job or quits early on and the other people they thought about hiring turn them down and if they post the job again and they don't get any good responses, then they'll look over my resume again.

So, in other words, come on people quitting!

Inglorious Basterds

2009-08-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

I saw Inglorious Basterds yesterday and it was pretty much what you would expect from a Tarantino flick-- it was a little messy, a little long, a little self-indulgent, a little violent, a little talky, and a little brilliant. It could be the world's only American WWII action/revenge flick that's really about the power of cinema and consists largely of foreign actors speaking foreign languages. The guy is definitely a huge, motherfucker of a genius but it's still hard to know what exactly the point of it all is. Everyone always talks about the violence and the gore and the love of B Movie action/kung fu flicks but what everyone forgets to mention is that he loves dialogue more. Probably, it could be argued, too too much (both "Kill Bill II" and "Deathproof" suffered from too much talking, not enough rocking).

The thing about the movie is that there's two parts of it, the Inglorious Basterd, Nazi-scalping brigade part and then the Jewish French theater owner part. Both of them are almost two separate films, one of them violent and cartoonish, the other one tense and dialogue driven (it's almost like it's the two schizoid parts of Tarantino's brain being split into two movies) and while the violent cartoonish part is the one that's played up in the marketing and the one Tarantino talks about, the heart of the movie, the most interesting part of the movie, is the part involving the Jewish French theater owner. If Tarantino just would have made the movie about the theater owner, he probably would win every possible damn award there is because it really is spot own awesome (it says a lot about the movie that the two scariest parts are a request for another glass of milk and the ordering of cream) but he couldn't let the Basterd part go so what you have then is two movies that don't quite mesh together. That all sounds bad, of course, except it's a Tarantino flick so it somehow all works or at least is done so well and crazily that you just go with it.

Someday there's a great movie in him, not "Pulp Fiction" great but "classic American movie" great but he's not quite there. This movie shows that maybe he's getting closer and closer. Maybe he should do what the Coen Brothers do and throw in a really good, straight drama into the mix every once in awhile (like "Fargo" or "No Country for Old Men") just to get the props. Or maybe he just doesn't want to, something that I think drives a lot of people (especially those film critics who don't really like his movies but still realize he's brilliant) crazy. And if he really doesn't, does it matter? Nobody does movies like him and nobody probably ever will. Either way, I'd still go see it.

I'm pretty sure this is a fake email

2009-08-24T12:50:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I need a helping hand in my house..My wife and kids are moving in soon..Please contact if you are interested..

Smith.

Oh, according to Hotmail, the email comes from a Mr. Smith Smith.

Maybe I should start hiring myself out as a spam mail consultant so I can tell spam mailers (fishers?) that, among other things, sending out an email from a Smith Smith could come off as a bit fishy.

2009-08-21T15:42:00.000-07:00

I usually go to the gym somewhere between 4 and 5 and there's always this woman there who I've seen around for the past year or so. She's easy to spot because she's neither elderly nor Asian and that puts her way on the minority side of the people who workout there. She's also noticeable because she's one of those people who hit the cardio equipment for half an hour, another apparatus for another half an hour, then lifts weights, and then hits the treadmill. And, yes, she is kinda attractive in a way, especially if you like woman who look like they do triathalons during their lunch breaks and goes rock climbing before they even have brunch on the weekends.

Anyways, we've been pretty much working out together at the gym at the same time day after day after day after day and yesterday, she finally got on an actual piece of exercise equipment that was next to me. As I was working out next to her, I kept on having this strange feeling like I should say "hi" or something. Not because I necessarily want to (frankly, I don't like saying "hi" to anyone) but more like I was obligated to because I knew who she was, I'm sure she knew who I was and we were all part of the 4-5 Workout at the Y Shift and as members of that shift, were all somehow connected to each other, more so than say, somebody who normally works out at 3 but goes in at 4 or the people who do the 5-6 shift.

I, of course, did nothing. Partly because she was on her blackberry the whole time.

Job Stuff

2009-08-19T11:07:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I got an email for a contract position doing something for which I have a tiny, tiny bit of experience in but not a whole lot. Normally, I'd get back to the person who sent me the email and lie through my teeth but I just don't feel like lying through my teeth about this job in particular. Maybe it's just because I'm tired or have been going on interviews for stuff I do have experience in. Or maybe it's because the job involves some level of technical expertise and I don't want to actually be in a position where I'm hired and on Day 1 somebody goes "okay, now I need you to upload this" and I'd have to go hide in the corner reading "Uploading for Dummies" in order to figure it out.

Speaking of job interviews, as many times as I've been going on interviews, I still hate when they say "we're going to talk to a few more people and..." just because when you interview with somebody at some place, it's just you and you alone and for an hour or so it's like "tell me about yourself" and if it's a good interview, you think "why wouldn't they hire me? I'm cooking!" but, then, the reality of the situation hits and you realize that it doesn't really matter, that it's not really all about you, and that there's still somebody out there who might just be better or do better in an interview.

In yesterday's interview, I was smoking. One of the best interviews I've ever been one with a not drop, hint, or whiff of nervousness (taking a lot of tranquilizers probably helped). After talking to two people, I was told I was going to meet with one of the Higher Ups but after a few minutes of nobody coming into the conference room to meet with me, the first person with whom I interviewed with came back into the conference room to tell me that she had been running around looking for the Higher Up only to realize that they were in a meeting all afternoon. So, thanks for coming by, we're going to talk to other people, and we'll let you know.

Now, not meeting with the Higher Up because they were in a meeting could, naturally, mean that they were in a meeting. Or, it could mean that despite it all, the two people with whom you met with said "nope" and decided not to bother with dragging the Higher Up into meeting with me. On the one hand, why would they schedule an interview with me if they knew the Higher Up was in an interview? On the other hand, stuff happens and the person who set it all up didn't really come off as being that dialed in. Because I've been through this a hundred million times, I'm going with "ehhh...fuck it...why was the Higher Up's time?"

The other thing about it was that, as I said, I was kicking ass (I think) during the interview but if so requested, have to go in and do it again. The fact that I was all wired up and ready to go and being told halfway through the process that they'd have to reschedule was a bit of a let-down. I kind of felt the way a starting pitcher would feel if they were throwing a really good game, one of their best, and told they wouldn't go back out there because they needed to use a pinch hitter. "But I could go three more innings...let me finish the game!"

Ugh

2009-08-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

I am trying, so far unsuccessfully, to ween myself away from news blogs. I have been totally wrapped up in the health care debate to probably the detriment of my mental health and sanity. As I wrote earlier (I think), how this thing plays out is in some ways, a test case to see if we, as a country, are able to actually achieve some serious, progressive reform and as such, is a test to see whether our political system at this time is actually able to see that change happen. All of this, of course, was brought forth in the '08 election when somehow, We the People actually voted in a smart, earnest, thoughtful man who wanted to fix a lot of things that needed fixing. His election, or so I thought, was a sign that We the People were ready to have somebody smart, earnest, and thoughtful to fix the country.

So how's that going?

Like a lot of people who were really pumped by that election, I am pretty much all riled up and in several stages of despair now. The system in DC is terribly and horribly broken (why the constant use of the anti-majority filibuster is considered a normal things these days and the so called "political press" doesn't seem to think anything about it is beyond me) but even worse it appears that we, as a country, actually don't really deserve any sort of change. This shouldn't have come as any sort of surprise but we are not a very serious country. Somehow a lot of us got suckered by Obama's election to believe that we were about to become one but as one blogger put it, we are still a "pre-enlightment" country. As evidence I provide the Tea Baggers, the Birthers, and all those "Town Hellers" screaming about taking the country back or how government should get out of medicare or that they believe in the constitution. Death Panels should have been seen by any reasonably intelligent person to be a complete and total BS thing but that hasn't stopped anyone from screaming it. Nor has that stopped any number of people who would probably need health care reform from going to those rallies and screaming about government takeovers. Healthcare reform is a huge and important issue that even a huge majority of voters believe in, yet nobody seems to be terribly upset that the issue has become more farce than anything else.

Last night Harlan and I watched a documentary about the evils of WalMart. The documentary didn't really tell us anything we didn't already know but in light of the health care debate I pretty much watched it at full boil, occasionally yelling out "you're a fucking idiot" to the occasional John Q Public shown in the documentary who is or was in the process of getting screwed by WalMart. It was all out of the book "Deer Hunting with Jesus" in which a huge amount of Red State conservative types got bent over in all sorts of ways yet never quite made the leap of faith to realize that maybe those Red State conservative views made the being bent over possible. Like they showed the story of a family that ran a very successful small town hardware store somewhere in Nowheresville that went bankrupt thanks to WalMart. One of the guys kept on saying "well, I believe in freedom and the constitution and I don't want to be no Communist country" but then went on saying how he wished the Government would come in and do something about what WalMart does. One of the owners of the store mentioned several times that he was a conservative Republican (even flashing to a picture that he owned of Ronald Reagan) but, like the other guy, was completely unable to make the conclusion that a political belief that worshipped at the altar of "free markets" and that business should be supported and not regulated could cause one to fall victim to the free market and a political system that supports big business and fails to regulate them.

Then there was the guy trying to organize the union and all the stories about how hard WalMart tries to fight unionization (like very), even going to take the effort to show employees instructional videos on the horrors of unions. All of those people's lives they showed in the documentary who worked there could be in better situations if they were unionized, but.... And then, of course, was all the people complaining about not having health care or not being able to afford health care. I wanted to send them all a letter asking them what they think about health care reform just to see how many of them send something back about how they support the constitution and all that.

But finally, my take away was this-- at one point in the documentary they went to a WalMart that was just recently opened in Germany. The employees there made decent money and had a generous vacation plan. It goes without saying they all had decent health care. Oh, and they were able to be members of a union, something that goes a long way to explaining their generous benefits. At the end of an interview with one of the German WalMart workers, the lady they were talking to said something like "I don't know why they don't have all this stuff in America?"

Well, to whomever you are who said that, here is your answer "because we, as a nation, are a bunch of fucking idiots."

Chili

2009-08-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

I love chili but the most recent can of the chili that I bought has been sitting in the cabinet for several weeks now. The reason why I haven't opened that sucker up and gone at it is because chili is one of those foods that can never be taken lately-- you need to pay attention to when and when not to eat it-- and I haven't had that moment yet.

What I mean is that I would never eat a can of chili on a weekday night because I'd have to deal with it at work the next morning not to mention an often long commute (those long rides on the 38 Geary can be HELL). Now, of course, it's easier for me to deal with since I don't have to work but I still have to pick and choose my spots. I had a doctor's appt today so I couldn't have had it yesterday and I have an interview on Tuesday so can't even think about going for it until then. As for all the days in between, well, I just wasn't quite willing to make that commitment. I'm having enough problems figuring out what I'm going to do all day without even throwing chili into that mix.

I'm not saying that I've been paying too much attention to the healthcare debate, but....

2009-08-12T18:28:00.000-07:00

When I was walking around the neighborhood yesterday there were old people everywhere and I felt like beating up a bunch of them for being gullible enough to believe that Obama wants to kill them.

Anyways, I live on the middle apartment of a complex that's right over a somewhat major street. This makes things loud. The neighbors above won't let us listen to music or watch tv too loudly and the neighbors below us start talking really loudly late at night while coked up. But whatever, the main thing that gets to me is the street noise. Watching TV is really difficult as it seems like anytime I watch something, just at the moment something important is about to be said, a car always drive by. It'll be like this:

"Hi, how are you?"
"Great, how are you?"
"I'm fine, how's your mother?"
"My mother is doing fine, except for the fact that yesterday an alien came down and...VROOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I have to often watch things three times just to make sense of what's going on. It's especially tricky with shows like "Mad Men" or "BSG" that are all moody and try to go out of their way to not have people talk loudly.

Worst of all are the neighbors down the street from us, the neighbors we call our White Trash neighbors, a name given to them due to their hobby of taking old junker cars and fixing them up on their drive way. They will then rev the engine of said car to test it around 11 at night. They also have exceedingly noisy dirt bikes that they like riding around and around and around, usually whenever I'm trying to watch something on TV.

They are not my favorite people.

It says a lot about the current state of my job search...

2009-08-10T09:32:00.001-07:00

...that the highlight so far of my job search was an interview for a crappy job in Livermore. I knew it was a crappy job at the time but since Livermore was over an hour away, involved the taking of lots of highways I have rarely if ever been on, and had only been to Livermore once in my entire life, thought it was a bit of an adventure-- a road trip if you will.

Today I have an interview with a company in Larkspur, a place much, much prettier than Livermore with a much prettier drive. Also a much better job. When I got the email saying they'd like to talk to me, I was excited because it would mean a fun little trip over the Golden Gate Bridge. But when I found it was only to be a phone interview, I was a little disappointed. While I don't think the job would be a good enough fit for me to be hired, I at least want to make it to the second round just so I'll have an excuse to go on another road trip, maybe a make a day of it-- like instead of driving there, I'll drive to the Embarcadero and take the ferry over. Or drive but grab some lunch by the water front.

2009-08-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

So you're a member of the Washington Press and one side of a political party is saying that the Democrats' proposed health care reform will lead to a "Death Panel" that will euthanize old folks. Do you

1)Say that's complete and total bullshit and attack those spreading the disgraceful lies

or do you

2)Say "some people say Democrats want to single-handily kill your grandmother where she sleeps while others say that isn't true" and then tut-tut Obama for not doing a good job in getting his message out

And if a bunch of people are screaming that they don't want government to interfere with their medicare, do you, as a member of the press

1)Write that this is completely ridiculous as Medicare IS a government program and these people are fucking idiots

or do you

2)Say that it shows that the American people distrust Government interference in anything and that it's proof of how difficult it would be to pass health care reform-- not because the average American voter is an idiot but because, once again, Obama isn't doing a good enough job of getting his message out.

When a supposed leader of the Republican Party goes on a Sunday show and repeats the claim that the Democrats want to pull the plug on everyone person over the age of 70, as host of the show, do you

1)Say straight out that it's ridiculous, a big fat lie, the worst kind of demagoguery imaginable, and that you'll never have them on their show again because they're a big fat fucking lying weasel whose poisoning the political discourse in the country

Or do you

2)Say that's not correct, give them the fact, have them respond to it with another big fat lie and then move onto the next topic and then revel in the fact all the reporters replay it over and over again in recaps of the Sunday shows because it's a good sound bite and the person is a supposed and valued leader of the Republican Party. You will, of course, have them back as much as possible because they give you good ratings and are considered a valued and important voice in politics.

All of this kind of reminds me of the start to the Iraq War when like an overwhelming percentage of people still believed that Saddam had something to do with 9/11. Did the press think that it was just an issue that the opponents of the war (most of whom were never given much in the way of an audience) not getting their message through, that as there was no note or email from Sadaam saying "Dear Bin Laden, please don't blow up those towers" that you never know and if Dick Cheney says it's true then we shouldn't really say one way or the other, or that it was a HUGE failure on their part and they should look deep into their conscious and ask themselves whether or not they're a failure at their job?

2009-08-08T11:12:00.000-07:00

Got an email last night entitled "This is Not Spam Mail: Reply" and as the email said that it wasn't spam, I decided to open it, even if it was sent by a Mr. Ginibunwa Esaaba.

Now, you'll never believe this, but it turns out it WAS spam mail. I know! He was trying to raise money for some sort of great financial scheme he was cooking up in Africa. Sadly, I realized this a few hours after I sent him 100 dollars via Paypal but you live, you learn. Hopefully nothing bad will come of it.

2009-08-05T17:44:00.000-07:00

Sent out a resume yesterday and quickly got an email back from the company saying that they'd like to bring me in for an interview and asked me what day next week would work. I got back to them as fast as I could and let them know that any day next week would work.

Haven't heard back yet.

2009-08-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

I was at a bus stop on Geary waiting for the 38, drinking a bottle of Minutemaid Lemonade and listening to my iPhone when it appeared that somebody in the middle lane of the road-- a twenty-something somewhat crunchy girl-- had just rolled down their window to talk to someone in my general direct direction. Naturally, I thought it couldn't be me because I didn't know the person who was saying something but when I realized that there really was nobody else she could be talking to as I was the only at the bus stop, I turned down my music to see just what the hell she could be talking to me about.

The answer? Minutemaid Lemonande. Apparently she's a big fan, especially if you add lots of sugar to it, something I told her was kind of silly considering the drink pretty much consists of sugar. I responded to a few things she said and then got a little freaked out about the whole thing and made the universal facial sign of "kay, thanks, bye" and put my headphones back on. The light finally changed to green and with that, she drove on off, probably thinking about drinking some lemonade as soon as she was to get to wherever she was to get to.

And so my question is-- what the fuck was that all about?

Illegal Sucking

2009-08-02T16:26:00.000-07:00

As you get older, the list of songs that have entered and exited your life increases exponentially. Some of them you still remember, some of them have disappeared in time-- sometimes by choice. On Saturday, I heard maybe one of the most random songs that I had lost through the sands of time

-- Genesis' "Illegal Alien."

Wiped that from your memory too, didn't you? I think music wants to wipe it from it's memory

Now, first of all, that song sucks. S-U-C-K-S. Just awful, especially when you consider that at one point Genesis was known for being an art-rock band that often played eight minute song "suites" while dressed as forest animals. The song is basically a cutesy song about illegally crossing the border into the US complete with veiled references of the offering a sister up for sexual favors. Who the hell thought that would be a good idea for a song? I mean, the song sucks enough as it is-- it could have lyrics written by Shakespeare himself and it would still suck-- but making it about illegal immigrants. The video even has Phil Collins dressed like a Mexican with a bad moustache and sombrero. Seriously, who the hell thought ANY OF IT would be a good idea.

Can you imagine somebody writing that song now, or at least releasing a song like it-- a cutesey song about illegal immigrants. Can you imagine the ruckus? Lou Dobbs' head would explode.

Just amazingly awful.

The Velocity of Travel

2009-07-30T13:25:00.000-07:00

I should also add that Iceland has always been one of those countries that I've kinda wanted to go to. Why? Why not-- you never hear anything about it, you never hear people wanting to travel there, and nobody knows that much about it other than it's kind of weird and beautiful and funky.

I have other places I'd like to go to that fit into that category. Like Yemen-- I'm kind of curious about going to Yemen. Nobody hears about it, nobody sets out to go there, and it's about as Arab as you could want without having to deal with third world poverty or terrorism-- lots of sand and deserts and palm trees and people dressed in those white, flowing robes. Okay, turns out Yemen actually now has a terrorist problem so maybe not Yemen. How's about Oman? Yeah, I want to go to Oman now-- again, who goes there? And why not go there?

Also on my list are those random, tiny European countries that nobody ever really hears about or thinks about, like Lichenstein or Andorra.

The other weird, totally random place I want to go to is here in the US-- I want to go to either Omaha or Lincoln Nebraska. Why Omaha or Lincoln Nebraska? Because they seem about as perfectly, non-descript in that Norman Rockwell, mundane All-American Way. Could there be anything to those cities that makes them exciting enough to justify being a city? Is there an art scene? An indie music scene? Or is just just a bunch of big air-conditioned buildings full of people who think the most exciting thing to happen is a Nebraska Football Game? I've been to Paris and I've been to Tokyo and Jerusalem and Prague and Dublin and in some way, Omaha seems more exotic than those places.

One more thing.....

2009-07-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

Going back to that happiness bit...

The book has a great chapter about my new favorite country Iceland. In it, the author says that Iceland is rich enough and laid back enough that culturally, their ideal isn't to become incredibly successful doing one particular thing but to be moderately successful in a variety of things. So most Icelandic people are like bankers for a couple of years and then suddenly decide to become fishermen for a couple of years and after that doing that, well, what the fuck, let's be a poet? Why do just one thing when you can do many things-- variety is the spice of life, right? And since they have huge generous government benefits (probably too much considering how expensive the country is), people have all the freedom to go off and be a medieval literature professor/banker/computer engineer. This idea is such a part of their culture, in fact, that they, in some ways, respect people who fail, or at least fail in the right kind of way, more than they do people who succeed. Better to try something and make an effort at it than not try something-- after all, who knows what kind of poet you'll be until you actually make a go of being a poet.

So, hmmm.....belief that being super successful at one thing isn't that important...generous social benefits that allow you to play around in life...respect of the nobility of failure....I want to move to Iceland!

2009-07-29T10:44:00.001-07:00

I saw a job posting for a job that keeps on getting posted over and over and over and over again. It's a job I mentioned before (several times) in that it's the one where I was unable to send a resume in due to Monster.com's intensely frustrating web site and the one where I kept on wondering if I should just resend them my resume in different forms to see if I could finally get through.

The thing is that they keep on posting the job even though we're currently in the worst economy since the '30's and as it's an online/editorial position and considering how the Chronicle has like five writers still on staff, there's plenty of writers out there, but yet they keep on posting the same job. What the hell do they want? Or is it more like the job sucks so hard that even in this economy, people quite or they're such assholes they keep on firing everybody no matter what they do.

I'm Pretty Sure This Could be a Scam

2009-07-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

I got an email from a Katrine Fabricius Torfing, a name that sounds like something out of a Harry Potter book.

The email's subject header is "Acknowledge The Receipt Of This Email!‏" and then goes on to tell me that I won a whole bunch of money (in British pounds no less) and that if I respond to the email and then call a number (a British phone number), I can pick up my money.

I also got an email from a Sabine Brandewie which sounds like it could be a legit name except for the fact the email says it's from somebody named Jeff.

Happiness is Anyone and Anything at All

2009-07-21T13:42:00.000-07:00

I've been reading this book about Happiness lately, "The Geography of Bliss" by Eric Weiner in which the author travels the globe to individual countries that "happiness scientists" say are really happy and one country (Moldova) that isn't happy at all.

I'm not done with it but halfway through the book, one of the big takeaways I’m getting is that the countries (so far it's been Switzerland, Bhutan, and Iceland) that have the happiest people are the one's whose cultures don’t preach having high expectations about life. What I mean is here in America, we have THE AMERICAN DREAM which preaches that if you work hard, you too can own several SUVs, a huge flat screen tv, and a McMansion but still be unhappy because your neighbor owns an even bigger SUV and an even bigger flat screen tv so you work harder and for more hours at a job you don’t really like so you can buy a better SUV and a better flat screen tv and you still can’t get a good enough one so you charge it on your credit card and by constantly trying to one-up your neighbor, you’re buying more and more consumer goods which builds the economy so that a bunch of executives can make millions of dollars a month in options that are rewarded to them by the stock holders for cleverly cutting costs of their products by outsourcing the production of the materials to China. And thus, you have the #1 economy in the world that makes it the #1 richest country in the world and thus making us the #1 country in the world. This makes us happy because God personally slaughtered millions of Native Americans so as to create the greatest, most perfect country in the history of not only mankind, but alien kind too. This doesn’t, however, make us happy, at least on a personal level.

The countries in the book that are happy are mainly happy because nobody who lives there has any illusion as to who they are and what their country is. There was a story on “60 Minutes” about Denmark, which is supposedly the happiest place on earth that doesn’t involve mouse ears, and the story said that Danes were happy because they had no illusion that Denmark was a world power in the past and won’t be a world power in the future and are quite okay with it and quite okay with being okay about it. So they have their little socialized country with their socialized free education and socialized free health care and socialized welfare benefits and live quite contently just, you know, living. Having a bigger SUV than your neighbor doesn’t really matter to them because it’s not part of their country’s culture to really care one way or the other. Of course, they wouldn’t want an SUV because they’re into being environmentally conscious and don’t want to do anything to destroy the world.

What does this mean? That my theory about the best thing a parent can do is to crush their children's spirits at an early age is probably the best thing one can do to them. "Oh, no, you can't really become President because unless you go to Harvard or Yale from an exclusive Private School and yes, Obama becamse President without coming from a privileged background but he's one smart motherfucker and even he can't save the country because we're fucked." Or "yes, you can become a world famous reporter but you'd have to spend years making no money for some small, local paper and then when you finally make it big, you'll get laid off because the industry is dying and you'll have to go back to making peanuts at some blog where you'll have to spend half your time twittering." Or even "yes, you can be a famous actress and no, you don't have to have any talent, but you'll have to work very very hard before hand to make enough money to pay for a boob job and to puff up your lips and you better do it soon because no actress can get a decent job after 35. Or you could just release sex tape. What's a sex tape? Well, when two people love each other, they sometimes film themselves showing how much they love each other and when they need more publicity, have somebody ‘accidently’ leak that tape of those two people showing their love to each other because people love watching two people showing their love, especially if one of them is a celebrity."

It also means that I really want to move to Denmark. Or Holland. Or Iceland.

We Interrupt Your Health Care Coverage For....

2009-07-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

About a month ago I had an interview with a pretty nice ad agency that was working on the kickassingest of kick ass campaigns. I didn't get the job but did good enough during the interview process that the HR person said in her "sorry, you didn't get the job, kthxbye" email that everyone still really liked me and that she and I should stay in touch in case something pops up.

Well, something did pop up-- another job there. Great, right? Well, no because the HR person, the one who sent me that nice email, is out on maternity leave right now and has been replaced by another HR person, one who doesn't know me or know of me. Which means, very possibly, there goes that. Which also means that her "let's stay in touch," while really nice, is also kind of useless considering she's going to be out for an unspecified amount of time to pump out a kid.

More Health Care Fun

2009-07-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

The polls from THE AMERICAN PUBLIC came out today and the poll numbers are dropping about the health care plan and Obama's handling of such. Some of this is expected as the information out there is confusing (which is all parts of the anti-health care forces plan) and there's a lot of people screaming ridiculously over-the-top stupid things without any sort of pushback by those who are supposed to supply the push back (memo to the press-- we DO NOT have the greatest Health Care in the world, we are actually well below all those countries that have that thing people call "socialized medicine" so if somebody says that, can you please call them out for being an idiot at least once?). Still, at this point, polls about health care should basically be thrown out because this is where the silliness of THE AMERICAN PUBLIC gets fully revealed.

Everytime a poll is taken, the American Public says that health care reform is one of their biggest issues. Then they go on to whine and complain about all of their health care issues and all the horror stories they have. But when an actual bill gets introduced and pollsters start asking them about the particular bill, all you hear from them is stuff like "no, don’t support that…", "nope," "that sounds scary," "the nice man on the TV says that'll mean I'll have to ration the care that I don't have," "goodness, all this government programs sound expensive," "that sounds like what they have in Canada and I hear every Canadian dies at the doctor's office because their health care is so bad," and the ever popular “you know, come to think of it, I like my health care.”

Thus, the health care plan falls apart due the public losing support in it but once it does fall apart, THE AMERICAN PUBLIC will then proceed to whine to pollsters how disillusioned they are about politics because they are unable to do something about health care and how health care is one of the biggest issues they have.

So, in other words, my fellow members of THE AMERICAN PUBLIC, just sit down and STFU.

C'mon Get Healthy

2009-07-18T17:26:00.001-07:00

I've been completely exhumed in the big health care debate going on in DC. I read posts about it every day, I read commentary on it, and I root for the good guys and boo the bad guys whenever it needs to be done. Obviously, we really need health care reform in our country but I'm not really rooting for the actual bill per se but more like rooting for just the fact that a good bill passes.

The thing is that in order to get a health care bill, somebody is going to have lose out on something-- an industry will have to get less profits, taxes will be increased, people will have to lose some of their options-- and that's something Congress really isn't that good at doing. The bill will also be huge and encompass every facet of our life and change a lot of things in the country and doing all this another thing Congress isn't really good at. So, in order for the bill to pass, Congress is basically going to have to man up, take a chance, and make a leap of faith that the bill will either work or work well enough that a tweak here or there will fix it.

Chances are iffy that Congress will be able to do any of that.

Which is why I'm so into what happens to health care. It should be pretty obvious right now that this country is in a huge mess. Like there's shards of us lying all over the floor kind of mess. In order to fix the country and make things right, we have to man up and do it. Industries will have to lose some of their profits, people will have to pay more taxes, and people will have less options in some things. If we can do the health care bill, it'll show that we have the ability to make those changes. If we can't even do that, we're pretty much fucked.

It's either "Yes we can" or "Eh, not really."

2009-07-18T13:54:00.001-07:00

I have another interview on Monday for a bloggy type position, or at least I think I do as the person who emailed me about setting up a time for a phone interview never got back to me to confirm the time. It's writing for the company blog and with the express purpose of using the blog to "driver conversions" to the company and they want somebody who can do so by increasing the visibility of the company's blog (somewhat easy) and through the use "social networking."

To prepare for the interview, I went to the company's site to figure out who they are and what do they do. They are, according to the site, "the Leading Provider of Mobility Management Solutions." Okay, and what else? "By focusing on end-user experiences, we’ve become the leading enabler of enterprise mobility management solutions." Still not clear on what they do, I looked around their site and came up with the fact they do a lot of something called "mobility metrics." In other words, I have no fucking clue what they do. The best thing I can make it is something that they mention in their job posting in that they "take control of their (companies) mobility budget and inventory." By that, I think they mean that the software keeps track of how many cell phones are out there being used by employers and how much money they're spending but I'm not sure as that would be too easy of a thing to say.

The question, obviously, is do I even want to do this? I don't even really know what the company does. I also never, ever, ever, ever want to be in a situation where I have to write things like "management solutions" in an unironic way. Actually, I don't think they'd hire me because I have no experience writing stuff like "mobility metrics," something that I think is actually a plus in my favor.

As for the "social networking" stuff, I know this is all trendy and everytime you look at a marketing post, there's all sorts of references towards building presence on social network sites (mainly Facebook) and Twitter, but it's all a load of crap. Now the thing is that while I'm no marketing expert, I do use the computer a lot (A LOT) and am pretty convinced that there is actually no real point in trying to market through Twitter and Facebook and Reddit or what have you. There are people who can market things through those things, but not companies- "Oh, boy, I can check out Envisioneering Enterprise Solutions' twitter page!". The only reason why people are talking about them as a way to marketing things is because they're new, they're trendy, and everybody else is doing it, so every company thinks they HAVE to do it. And since I want these jobs, I have to say "well, oh yeah, we can definitely use Facebook and as I'm an expert in taking photos of my friends and I drunk and posting them, I know exactly how to do this." My guess is that saying "I think marketing through Twitter is a waste of time and money and Twitter fucking sucks anyways" won't get me a job. Even if I'm right.

And I am.

2009-07-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

My latest big pet peeve when it comes to looking for work is formatting, mainly how formatting works in email. At one point in history, you could cut and paste something into an email and have it look exactly like the thing you cut and paste. That, of course, is way too simple of a thing to have happen and so the people who build Yahoo and Hotmail decided that people who send out emails would want their emails to be all pretty and nice and so they added all sorts of bells and whistles to it. As a result, if you cut and paste something, it won't necessarily look like the thing you cut and paste. Sometimes it does, sometimes the spacing is all weird, and sometimes there's line breaks in places that there shouldn't be.

I had the thing wired last year but I guess Hotmail decided to make their site more complicated so that my emails are no longer as dead on as they were before. What would happen is I'd spend about twenty minutes working on a resume and then I'd hit send and when I got the bcc in my inbox, I'd notice that the email got totally butchered. Twenty minutes or so of work would then go completely out the door as no matter how good the resume was, nobody would look more than a few seconds at something that looks like a piece of shit.

There goes that job

Warning, Cat Post

2009-07-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Over dinner, I was talking about how when dogs do something, you can often figure out a reason for why they're doing it. Scientists study it and dog behaviorists, like the Dog Whisperer, knows all that stuff in depth. Then I wondered if one could learn any of that from cats and Harlan and I weren't very sure that was possible. In fact, we decided that if a cat behaviorist was to be asked a question about why a cat was doing a certain thing in a certain way, the cat behaviorist would say something along the lines of "I dunno, he's a cat."

Which means, of course, that being a cat behaviorist would be a perfect job because for every question, all you can really say is "I don't know, he's a cat."

My Next Billion Dollar Idea

2009-07-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

We were playing around with On Demand the other night and found this section called "Screen Savers." Basically, the section consisted of about ten twenty-minute videos that showed nothing but things like fish swimming in an aquarium, clouds floating over an ocean beach, a cascading waterfall, and other things. In other words, it's like watching the yule log at Christmas except prettier. This, of course, gave me an idea for a new digital cable channel-- Stoner TV, a tv channel for Stoners (of course).

The station would air old tv shows (like Star Trek, Twin Peaks, and cartoons), movies (like "Harold & Kumar go to White Castle," "Dazed and Confused," "Pink Floyd's 'the Wall'), music videos, and at night, several hours of nothing but clouds over the ocean or cascading waterfalls. You could also expand upon that and have cooking shows ("the best ways of making pot browies!" or "'Shroom Pizza, Chicago style"), travel shows (like best places to smoke hash or "countries you should never smuggle drugs into if you ever want to see your loved ones again"), some sort of show like "the Deadliest Catch" except about pot harvesters in Humboldt, a reality show about a coffee house in Amsterdam, and maybe even a Real World type show featuring seven stoners picked to live in a house with all sorts of exciting episodes like one where they decide who gets to clean the dishes after it's been piling up for a week or the episode where they get invited to a big party but don't make it out because TNT was showing a "Lord of the Rings" marathon.

Needless to say, there will also be a gardening show.

And, finally, you might be wondering just how this channel would be make any money, well that's easy-- junk food companies. Just imagine how many pizzas dominoes could sell just by running a few ads

What I Want to Do When I Grow Up

2009-07-08T11:43:00.000-07:00

As mentioned before, I went to the EDD office to take a long, four hour computer test to see what the computer says I should do with my life. And, yep-- four hours. It was actually kind of stressful in a few ways, not least of which was the fact that I was kind of afraid I'd spend four hours working on it and the thing would spit out that my ideal career would be something like "the world needs ditch diggers and you're a ditch digger" or "you'll be sporadically employed for the rest of your life until you die while stocking campbell's soup at Safeway" or even "?"

It started off with this long section where they showed photos of various jobs and I was supposed to say whether I have interest in it, I've done it before and don't mind it, and am completely uninterested. The thing about the program, though, is that it was done about fifteen years ago so when there was a picture of a "computer technician" the picture showed somebody looking over some sort of washing machine size computer. The thing also asked questions like "a clown" or "a farmer" but did not ask anything like "world famous blogger" or "international man of mystery." To add to my aforementioned fears, I pretty much said "not interested" to everything ("except clown). Well, actually, since I've done a lot of admin type stuff before, I said "I've done it and don't mind it" thinking I was at least being honest. This didn't work out so well as I'll get to in a minute.

The rest of the test consisted of simple tasks (alphabetizing, basic vocabulary, numerical) but there was a huge section on math where they asked things I haven't even though of in years, like geometry and math problems. At one point, they busted out an isosceles triangle and asked me to figure out one of the sides and somewhere in my head I remembered the Pythagorean Theorem, something I hadn't even contemplated since High School and somehow figured it out. Got it right too.

There were a couple of weird bits, like they showed a circle of color and then gave you four circles that were of similar color and asked you to find the circle that best corresponds to the given color. Not easy considering how close the colors were. They also did it with geometric figures and even one where they gave you a 2d geometric image and then asked you to point out which form would be it's 3d counterpoint. Can't say I did well on those questions.

The thing finished up with an "ethics" section where they asked you a bunch of questions about what you should and should not do on the job. Things like "you should never show up late for work" or "if coworkers criticize your work, you should shoot buy a gun and shoot them," all with a Mary Worth style cartoon illustrating the particular situation. Now, this test is kind of like a driving test in that there are "rules" and then there are how things really are. Because I'm an idiot, I said things that really are. Like to the question "is your work so valuable that you cannot take a day off," I said I disagreed because sometimes there's nothing going on and sometimes you need to take a "mental health" day. To the question of whether a boss who criticizes an employee is always doing it because that worker is doing something incorrectly" I said I disagreed because we all have known bosses who just don't like somebody and take out all of their life's frustrations out on them. And as for the question of whether or not it's okay to have alcohol at work I said not so brightly that I disagreed but sadly did not have room to add that drinking on the job in your cubicle is wrong but if the bosses bring in a keg, then let's party. And, yes, I've had plenty of jobs where some sort of booze was brought in to celebrate one sort of thing or another.

All of this honesty, I'm pretty sure, will make the unemployment people scratch me off their list of people they should help out.

So what did the test say I should do? Admin work! Because I said I didn't mind admin work in the first part of the test. And also because I kicked butt in the alphabetizing, numerical, and proofing part of the test. So, in other words, all those jobs I've done while looking for work have actually given me enough experience to do the jobs I've done while looking for work instead of the actual jobs for which I've been looking for work.

2009-07-08T11:32:00.000-07:00

In checking out a company for which I have an interview, I saw this listed as a description of what they do:

"XXXXXXX is the world's premier experience marketing agency, working with leading companies who are looking for innovative marketing solutions that motivate their audiences and activate their brands through live experiences."

If you put this through a marketing/English translator, you will come up with this- "eh, we just do events for companies."

The sad thing about all of this is that I actually kinda understood the above quote as I'm half fluent in marketing. Hey, now there's an idea-- I could hire myself out as a marketing translator and go around helping people who aren't fluent in marketing gibberish understand the gibberish for which they here.

My Billion Dollar Web Idea

2009-07-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I was at a party and somehow in the middle of a conversation (I think it was about politics. Or Masterpiece Theater, I can't remember what), I said the name Free Puppy Proposal. This was immediately deemed a great name for a band and with that came the idea that for all those people out there in bands who are stumped by what they should call their band, I should come up with a web site that works like a band name generator, except in this case, you take a phrase or a word and then the computer program would spit out how to make that name sound like the kind of band you're in.

It works like this, you take the phrase "Free Puppy Proposal" and you get-

Free Puppy Proposal-- art rock band featuring lots of looping, weird instrumentation, and nonsensical lyrics. Usually associated either with the taking of lots of drugs or too much postmodern musical theory, sometimes a little of both. See Super Furry Animals or Animal Collective.

Free Puppy- cutesy, twee indie rock group consisting of beard wearing liberal art college grads who all have crushes on Zoey Deschanel. See Grizzly Bear

Puppy Abortion- obviously a punk rock band, an old skool type punk band that is more concerned with subverting something or other than dating either porn stars or teen pop stars and doing concerts sponsored by either car manufacturers or shoe companies.

Puppy Death- Death metal music. See Slayer.

Puppy Farm- a Phish/Grateful Dead inspired jam band.

The Puppies- Garage Band/Neo New Wave band from either Detroit or Brooklyn that still wishes it were 2002, ala the Strokes.

When Do You Know You're in San Francisco?

2009-07-02T10:59:00.000-07:00

When you go fill out forms at the EDD office and for sex, they include these boxes:

-Male
-Female
-Transgender
-Male to Female
-Female to Male

Today's Unemployment Update

2009-07-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

I'll get back to that career assessment thing in a bit but I've spent all day working on another job related thing that's taking up all my time. Basically, some company sent me (!) an email about a job and instead of talking to me on a phone or bringing me in for an interview, sent me about three pages of questions and want me to respond to the questions. Some of this is difficult because what are you supposed to say about "tell me about your experience/knowledge about Microsoft Word?" Some of this is difficult because it's not apparently clear as to how much I'm supposed to answer. Should I provide an essay for each question? Should I just give a sentence or two? And should I write it like it's a response to a questionnaire sent via email or write it like it's a full on fucking job interview and carefully craft each answer to each question, even if it is a question about Microsoft Word.

In other words, you could understand why it's taken me all day to answer about half of of it.

When I Grow Up (Part 1)

2009-06-30T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've been spending the past week in an out of the local Unemployment Offices trying to get job counseling and hoping for some job training bucks (free money!) and let's just say that I've been in two meetings about all of this and I've skewed towards the median in those meetings. There were plenty of people much older than me, a few younger than me, and a few who are probably around the same age. There was one person there, a woman, who was noticeably younger than everyone else (I'd say in her early 30's) and I wanted to ask her what she was doing asking for job training as she looked to young to have her hopes and dreams crushed. From her application form (which I stole a glance at) it looks like she does a lot of Graphic Design and that probably explains that.

Today, I went to the Goodwill Center on Mission because it was also the city's main unemployment office and they have all sorts of computers set up. One of the things you can do there is run through a long, long program that helps you assess just what the hell you should be doing with your life.

Just as I finished (I won't get the results until next Tuesday), a very dignified woman in her late 50's also finished up and asked for help. So I'm thinking, why would somebody that old still need help figuring out what they need to do with their life? Shouldn't they have figured that out by now? I still don't but I'm not that old yet and I'm just a screw up. Her? She looked like she's had it figured out for awhile.

Then I started thinking about just what brought her to the Goodwill Center looking for career help because not only does she apparently need help but she is in the process of looking for this help so she could also do job training.

Remember those great Monster.com ads, the one's with a bunch of kids saying things like "I want to grow up to be in middle management?" Well, they should do that again except have one kid say;

"I want to have a long and successful career only to lose it because a bunch of assholes trash the economy so a bunch of 30 year old VPs use it as an excuse to lay me off because they can hire some 25 year old twerp for a lot less money than I make and also because they 'tweet' and I want to have to wind up in some Goodwill Center in some crappy section of San Francisco having to fill out a bunch of questions about what I want to do with my life because I'm told I have too much experience in my chosen field to be hired by anyone."

About that Other Thing that Happened

2009-06-29T18:17:00.001-07:00

It took us about five hours to get from San Francisco to the Boardwalk due to traffic, getting lost, and the need to stop for food and a margarita. One of the major bits of traffic was created because the lane we were in, the one on the left-hand side, crawled to a complete stop for no explicable reason. As we were sitting there, we saw cars drive right past us on the shoulder of the road and squeeze themselves in near where the traffic choke hold was. It wasn't until we got to the traffic choke hold that we realized that the cause of the choke hold was all the cars driving on the shoulder trying to weasel their way through past the choke hold. In other words, there would have been no choke hold if it weren't for all the assholes trying to get around the chokehold.

Also, when we were driving home at night on 17 (not a very fun road to drive at night and extremely tired as it's a curvy mountain ride), the car behind me either had some crazy-ass normal lights or super crazy-ass high-beams because the light from his car was so bright that I could not only not see in my rear view window because of the reflected light but I couldn't see my left-rear view window either because of the reflected light. Harlan said it looked like I had a glow while driving. Unfortunately, this meant that while I needed to get out of the line to get out of their shining, bright light, the shining bright light was preventing me from doing so because it was too fucking shiny and too fucking bright.

Roller Coaster of Love

2009-06-29T17:59:00.000-07:00

Saturday we had free passes to go the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk and after a horrendous time getting there (which I'll get to in a minute) I just have to say that one of the things I noticed was that going to the boardwalk in Santa Cruz today really isn't that much different from when I went to the Boardwalk at the Shore (for those of you not familiar with Jersey accents, it's pronounced Sho-aw) when I was in High School. Same types of teenagers, same types of occasional drunken dirtbag (you know, overly tan with a mullet, moustache, and Oakleys), and same type of families. The rides are a little bit more advanced but most of the key rides are still the same (ferris wheel, roller coaster). But the most noticeable thing was that the music hasn't really changed-- it's still a mixture of 60's stuff and 80's tunes. I heard while at the Boardwalk, Huey Lewis, Madonna, Rick Springfield, Kool & the Gang and a whole host of tunes that were played when I went their in High School. Why those tunes, who knows? Because the music of the 80's was the last time pop music didn't try for some sort of edge? Because it's all run by Gen X'ers trying to relive their youth? Who knows.

I also always hated roller coasters, or at least was too afraid to get on one. Slowly, I learned that most of them aren't that bad and if they are, they're over so fast you won't even notice that you're hating being on them. Which is why most of the times I ride them, it's only until 3/4s of the way through that I realize I'm having fun. The good thing about having free passes and sticking around til the park closes is that you can ride the roller coaster as many times as you want to so that you can realize you're actually enjoying it while you're on it. Thus, not being able to get enough of the Great Dipper Coaster despite riding it around 10 times.

There's another ride there to, the Double Shooter, which is one of those one's where they strap you in with other people and the contraption shoots up a tall tower and then drops you the moment you get up to the top of that tall tower. Once you get shot down, you get shot back up and so on and so forth. Normally this is something that I avoid at all costs because it involves two things I'm deathly afraid of-- heights and falling from said heights. But after much cajoling, I finally went on it and had pretty much the experience mentioned above concerning roller coasters. I shot up once, shot back down and then shot back up and midway through the second round I realized that I was not going to die of either horror or a heart attack.

Lessons learned
-Roller coasters are fun
-the Great Dipper at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk might be the most perfect roller coaster ever
-don't be afraid of rides. Except for the one's that spin you around while at great heights
-go to amusement parks late and stay til the very end as you'll miss most of the crush of people and your bulk time there will be spent without much in the way of lines or annoying children.

More Republican Sexy Time

2009-06-28T16:08:00.001-07:00

Got a gig writing elsewhere and here's my post on the Republicans love of knocking boots:

By now, you've all heard that Mark Sanford, the Republican Governor of South Carolina (well he's a Democrat, according to Fox) had a little press conference today where he tearfully admitted that his mysterious disappearance was to Argentina and to visit somebody with whom he was having an affair with. For those keeping score at home, this is your second sex scandal involving a Republican this month as earlier, Nevada Senator John Ensign also admitted to having an affair. Considering that last year's Republican sex scandals involved congressional pages, anonymous sex in a bathroom stall, and wearing diapers with hookers, these two recent scandals are rather boring and almost mundane.

Sanford seems to fit the same bill as all the others who've gotten into trouble recently. He is very conservative-- so conservative he led the fight against the rejection of all that free stimulus money-- talks a lot about family values, and isn't a big friend of the gays. Like several others, he was also a huge proponent of the impeachment of William Jefferson Clinton way back when he was caught doing not very wholesome things to someone with whom he wasn’t married to. The lesson learned is that the more conservative a Republican tries to be, the more they talk about "traditional families, and the more they like to bash gay people, the bigger the chance they will either be gay, having an affair, or the parent of a knocked up teenager. Sometimes all three at once.

Like Ensign, Sanford was considered to be a possible contender for the Presidency in 2012. Like Ensign, he could probably forget about that. Also in the category of "there goes that" includes Texas Governor Rick Perry, who talked about Texas seceding from the Union, and Bobby Jindal, who flamed out big time after his first big appearance on the national stage. This means that at this point, your two leading contenders for the Presidential Nomination are Sarah Palin, the fact of which shows the depths of Republican delusion, and Mitt Romney, the fact of which shows the depths of Romney's delusion. Actually, Romney has tried so hard to pretend he has conservative bona fides that it wouldn't be a surprise if he has an affair too just because everyone else is doing it.

And One More Thing

2009-06-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

Here's the thing about celebrity deaths, that for whatever reason, I'm supposed to care that Farrah Fawcett died. I do not. Not at all. Yet, I'm supposed to think that I do. What exactly has Farrah done? She was on an iconic poster (true) and was on a hit tv show for like a year until she thought she was too big for the show and got replaced by somebody hotter (that would be Cheryl Ladd and, yes, I said it). After that, she did zilch. Nothing. Basically lived off of her fame and her attachment to somebody who also had a certain amount of fame.

Don't care.

So with that being said, here's my Michael Jackson story....

I went to Malaysia like twelve years ago and while I was there, Michael Jackson was in Malaysia to play a concert in Kuala Lumpur. This was when Michael still toured but could only tour in places like Asia or Eastern Europe because nobody toured there and they were so excited he came there, they forgot about the whole sleeping with boys thing. Michael's presence in Malaysia was a huge frickin' deal and was all over the news and papers for like a week or so. When we were at Kuala Lumpur, my friends and I were driving around looking for something to do and drove past one of their biggest, fanciest hotels and saw a huge line of mainly kids out in front of the hotel holding up signs for Michael Jackson. No word on whether or not they were invited in for some Jesus Juice. On my way to Kuala Lumpur, I was on a bus and sat next to an Indonesian family that had flown up from Indonesia just to see Michael. They were all very nice and friendly and were wearing Michael Jackson shirts and hats and couldn't wait to see him. That story isn't so exciting to you, I guess, but it is for me because how many times have you been on some random bus in Malaysia talking to some Indonesians wearing Michael Jackson baseball hats?

Your Prerequisite Michael Jackson Post

2009-06-25T17:19:00.000-07:00

In case you were wondering, I found out at Safeway. Got a txt from Harlan, then another friend, then, once I stopped listening to the podcast that I was listening to, heard everyone at Safeway talk about it. Which might be the first time I ever indulged in a conversation or feign any interest with people bagging food at Safeway (otherwise known as my new career).

So, yeah.

Here's the thing. Certain celebrities live way past the point of when they should. Sad, but true. Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, James Dean, etc. all died at the right moment, when they were on top of the world and will forever remain so. If they had lived, Jim Morrison would have been nothing but a bad poet playing in a bad band and James Dean would have been just another good-looking movie actor from the '50's. Michael Jackson should have gone down like that but didn't. Like Elvis. Actually, almost exactly like Elvis. If he would have died in 1987 or so, he'd be the biggest thing in music history. But he didn't. Now he's known as a musical genius who like to hang out with chimps and had a fake nose and a kid named Blanket and wanted to be white and probably diddled little boys.

Here's the other thing, I never really like him, although that's partly due to being a child of the '80's more than anything. Got sick of seeing his videos all the time, got sick of everyone buying Thriller, got sick of him being everywhere in pop culture, got sick of people wearing that awful red plastic jacket. And here's the other thing, his death is going to be the biggest media circus since Princess Di's funeral. Meaning the happiest person on the face of the planet is Mark Sanford. Also meaning that everyone can go back to pretending to care about Iran (sucks to be you protesters).

And that's my post

Another Sign of the Times

2009-06-23T19:08:00.000-07:00

In the past few months, whenever I called the Unemployment Office, they'd start with a message telling people what to do if they're about to run out of their unemployment and need an extension. When I called today, they started with a message telling people who are about to run out of their first extension how to get their second extension.

Today's Great Email Scam Sender's Name

2009-06-23T12:38:00.001-07:00

Adolphus Bethune.

Anyways, here's a few things to tide you over until I find something to write about

-I find it rather ironic that the health food store across the corner from me is selling items that has expiration dates that have expired. After all, eating processed frozen pizza is still relatively healthier than moldy, spoiled yet organic hummus.

-If you watch a lot of bands playing either on videos or on TV, you should pretty much notice that how "rock star" the backup band looks is usually in inverse proportion to how much the song/band rocks. Which is why the guys in say Kelly Clarkson's backup band or the guys in Fall Out Boy all have tattoos and faux-hawks while most actual bands that rock these days don't seem to make much of an effort to show any sort of rocking.

More Fun with Online Job Forms

2009-06-18T11:41:00.000-07:00

Just sayin, but if you want people to fill out their online job forms, it shouldn't take half an hour. Also, you shouldn't design it so that if you say that you're not a veteran, you should not then have to answer questions about whether or not you're a disabled veteran or a recently separated veteran or even a decorated veteran because I'm pretty sure that if you are not a veteran, you are not a disabled or decorated one. Unless, of course, you're George W. Bush.

And Today's Bad Job Scam Email Is....

2009-06-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

Good Morning, Hooray For Anything

We analyzed your resume and see you as a potential candidate of our ((company,firm,organization))).
You may learn about ((company,firm,organization))) business activity on our site. We'd like to offer you the Financial Manager job.

You may also hold a job in a different ((company,firm,organization))) as our vacancy won't occupy a lot of time.

Also, if you're sending out spam mail, you probably shouldn't send it from an email address of the_plantation@hotmail.com

I Can Chalk Another Thing of My Bucket List

2009-06-15T13:14:00.001-07:00

A letter to Andrew Sullivan actually got published on his blog:

http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2009/06/the-msm-again.html#more

I wish it was written better than it was, but it was late and I was all riled up. BTW, for those of you who work for the press or once did (cough) this weekend and the lack of attention or even interest in what's been going on in Iran is yet one more final nail in the coffin of old media. I don't know how you can justify being involved in a news channel or even running it if you consciously decide not to cover the news.