Chez Casserole

Because I'm a man with a plan, I have two brilliant ideas for restaurants, restaurants for which I am willing to hand over the propertiary rites to for a small fee and a percentage of profits which I am sure will come as the ideas are fairly brilliant. I, of course, won't actually be starting these restaurants as I have no money, don't cook, and am lazy.

Restaurant #1- a Casserole Restaurant
There's two ways this restaurant can work. One of them is where you have a menu of about 30-40 things and you yourself get to decide what goes into your casserole. So, you can choose from a variety of cheese (like a selection of camelbert or swiss or Kraft American), meats, noodles, fish, and vegetables that you would like to put into the casserole. Like, say you want a tuna, macaroni, broccoli casserole with havarti cheese and bacon bits? Done.

The other way is that there would be about 15-20 different kinds of casserole you can order. Like, you can order Hamburger Helper but it'll be of higher quality than the stuff you can buy in a store. And, of course, you'd be able to control certain things like how you'd like your burger cooked.

Naturally, the name of the place would be called Chez Casserole

Restaurant #2- A Dipping Restaurant
What does everybody love to do the most when it comes to food? Dip something into something else. Who doesn't love to take some naan and dip it into a masala sauce? Or garlic bread into spaghetti sauce? Or french bread into pretty much anything? Well, that's the idea of the restaurant.

Now, most of you might be saying to yourself, isn't that fondue? Yes, it is. But this place will offer a variety of things to dip (naan, garlic bread, french bread, crackers, onion cake) into a variety of dipping sauces. Like masala sauce or teryaki sauce or any other sort of yummy, yummy, yummy sauces out there, and, yes, that includes fondue. Or, for those of you who think fondue is a bit too much, yummy, yummy, yummy melted cheese, the kind they put on nachos at the ballpark.

Of course, this leads to the problem that there won't be enough protein but you could also get things like chicken strips or pieces of turkey or steak or torfu that you can put on a fork and dip into the sauce.

Anyways, if you want to open up a restaurant, that does either of these things, you can email me at hoorayforanything@yahoo.com. I have a couple of other brilliant ideas too but these are the best of the bunch.

Today's Adventures in Job Hunting

see more pwn and owned picturesSomething surprising actually happened thanks to Monster.com, I found a good job. Funny little thing about the job, though- I can only apply for it through Monster.com but Monster.com is having some sort of technical glitch where I can't actually apply to it.

It's pretty funny too. See, first I have to login to Monster.com to get to the job listing. Then, to apply for the job, I have to login again, despite the fact I've already logged in, but this time Monster.com kicks me out.

Best part of the whole thing is that the company is actually owned by Monster.com which means that Monster.com is hiring somebody but nobody can apply to the job at Monster.com because Monster.com is fucked up and won't allow anyone to apply.

LinkedIn

I've found another problem with LinkedIn, one that I just realized, mainly that a lot of people try to add you to their network despite the fact you barely know them or have only worked for them for a short period of time. Now, I might be wrong about this, but I thought one of the main points of LinkedIn is to help you find a job and that works by having people you know who would recommend you recommend you. The thing is if you don't really know the person, why would they recommend you or help you in such a way? If, say, I only worked with somebody for like a month and barely at that, why would I even think of contacting them or having them say something to help you? Or am I just assuming that everybody on my contact list will automatically help me because I know them slightly? Or is this just me reading way too much into all of this and should go with it?

I guess what I'm saying is that so far, LinkedIn has been useless.

My Boredom has Outshined the Sun

I've been trying to get through the days by making sure I'm productive in doing something, whether it be looking for a job or writing or what have you. Today I'm having a problem in that I feel like I should be productive but don't know what to do to be productive. There's no job postings out there, my resume is posted, and all those things on my list of things-to-do just don't sound very appealing today. So I'm feeling like I should do something but don't know what and don't feel like doing anything about it anyways.

That brings up something I've been noticing this go-round: the best parts of unemployment are in the morning when you get up and realize you don't have to be anywhere so you can go back to sleep and at night when you realize you don't have to be anywhere the next morning so you can stay up late. The rest of the day consists of figuring out what to do to fight off boredom.

Right now, it appears that the only response my resume postings have gotten me is emails about various scams, either "work from home!" type scams or fake job board scams. Today I got my first phone call spam when I got a call from a company saying they'll provide me job listings. All of which means it appears that the only growth industry right now appears to be job board scams.

Let's Go Anywhere!

For whatever reason, I'm not sweating my lack of employment right now, global financial meltdown be damned. Part of it is because having spent a large portion of my adult life unemployed, I know that all things will pass and this will pass too. At some point-- maybe not this decade-- but at some point, I'll get another job. And part of it is because there's not much I can do about it anyways. This thing is so huge and so massive that I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be able to get much of anything for awhile. Everyone is saying that the recession/depression/clusterfuck is probably going to take a year to a year and a half before some sort of normalcy arises and considering I haven't gotten a nibble on my resume in months, it's probably going to take awhile before I'm even going to be able to getting anything going. From what I've heard, even places that could be hiring people aren't hiring people because nobody knows what the hell is going to happen and nobody wants to hire anybody until they make sure that we don't wake up one day to discover that we've returned to Feudalism.

So knowing all this and knowing that I could be looking at at least a year's worth of unemployment, I might as well settle into it and accept it and even enjoy it. See, the one good thing about the global economic crisis is that everyone and everything is affected and so everything is much cheaper these days. Like plane fares. Or hotels. And considering the Euro is in the toilet and dropping faster (Europe is about to collapse any minute now)... well... you see where I'm going. I have all the time in the world, I have little debt, and things are cheap so what the hell, might as well go travel. Carpe diem and all that

And, so, yes, it'll mean leveraging the future and putting myself in debt for some instant gratification but what harm could that do?

Time After Time

I think that if I were able to figure out the methods of traveling through time, I'd start a band, and then go back in time and record every great rock song there is before it was released so I'd get the credit for writing it. Like I'd release my Zep IV in 1970 so I'd get the credit (and bucks) for Stairway to Heaven or I'd put together a bunch of songs from the next few years and record it myself. Like take a little from Who's Next and a little from Brown Sugar and Exile on Mainstreet and maybe some Neil Young or what have you. That way, I'd go down as being the greatest rock star/musician in the history of music.

BSG Rules

This past month or so, Sci Fi has been airing the final episodes of Battlestar Galactica, a show that really truly is as good of a tv show as there ever was and if you don't believe me, your lame. In a past life, I was able to watch the shows when they aired, usually at 10 PM Friday night (and what a stupid time to air the show too) but I can't quite watch the shows like I used to, especially one that airs on a Friday. So I DVR them.

Since the season started, I've been having a dilemna on how to watch them. Should I watch them sometime right after they air, all Old School like, or should I treat it like they're dvds and watch them in bunches, like watch two episodes here and two episodes there. The benefit of watching them every week is that I keep up with the show as it airs so I can join in on the online fun. I also actually like the week-long wait between watching shows because it gives you something to look forward to and makes the experience more meaningful. It's the same reason why football is fun-- the game is on Sunday, then you have a whole week to discuss the previous game and think about the upcoming game. On the other hand, it's nice to watch them in bulk because it's easier to submerge yourself into the show and live in the world. The shows that I have watched quickly on DVR- Veronica Mars, the Wire, and Friday Night Lights-- I really enjoyed doing it that way. Friends and I once debated whether it would be better to watch Lost as it airs or wait until the end of the season and then watch all the episodes back-to-back-to-back on DVR. The conclusion was that you'd probably get more out of it by watching it on dvr but who the hell can wait that long?

So what have I decided to do? Still haven't figured it out yet. I watch a single episode one week, then don't watch until a couple of weeks go by and then have a long debate in between weeks to decide what to do. With only three episodes left (!), I figure I should probably make up my mind soon as I'm already a couple of weeks behind.

Life is hard sometimes.

What's Up Doc?

I was really late to a doctor's appointment today, like about twenty minutes late. The reasons why are almost comical in ways because it was like every possible thing was thrown in my way to make sure I was late, from accidents to street construction to getting stuck behind a biker and dealing with an overcrowded parking garage. As I was scurrying around panicked that I'd miss the appointment, I wondered just how bad it is to be around twenty minutes late to see the doctor because as we all know, whenever you go to the doctor's, they make you wait about twenty minutes or so anyways. So in being late to the doctor's, I could actually show up on time. That is if they allow me because as George Costanza discovered, doctor's get touchy about all that. Luckily, my doctor said she was able to see me.

Going to the doctor when you're 40 is a whole different experience. Doctor's offices, of course, are always depressing because they're full of lots and lots of old people, all in various stages of being feeble. When you're in your 20's, seeing old people isn't as scary because you're not as acutely aware that one of those old people in a walker could be you in a few years. The other thing is that my doctor is younger than me, probably by about 4 or 5 years. Not that I don't trust her because she's young (and kinda cute, actually) but it always makes you feel older when somebody in a so-called position of authority is younger than you. Hell, look at all the coaches that are being hired in sports these days-- they're all younger than me. Yes, I'm having that feeling these days.

The good thing, though, about being 40 and going to the doctor is that you're old enough for check ups to start mattering but young enough that you're still in decent enough shape to be told everything's fine. The tests count now And, of course, in being 40, I'm still young enough not to have gloves put in places I'd rather prefer gloves not being put.

Oh, I'm fine. I've even lost quite a bit of weight recently and between being told I'm fine and that I've lost weight, I'm totally eating nothing but bacon cheese burgers, pasta, and pizza all weekend.

More Adventures in Job Hunting

The amazing thing is that for all the times I've been unemployed and looking for work, which we all know has been a lot of times, there's always something that comes up that I've never experienced before. Like today's interview.

This morning, at 9, I was supposed to go meet a recruiter in North Beach for a meet & greet to talk about possible jobs he had out there. Funny thing, though-- he forgot to mention that it was supposed to be a phone interview and not an in-person interview. This meant I got up early (which is a big thing when you're not working as it eliminates one of the best parts of being unemployed, that being be able to sleep in), threw on my good clothes, walked all the way to North Beach only to find out I could have gotten up at 8:55 and done the interview in bed. Instead, I did the interview on the street right in front of the office.

I knew something was up when I got to the office of the recruiting company. It was 8:50 and there was nobody in the office-- not the receptionist, not the recruiter, not even another coworker. It was completely locked and the lights were turned off. Unless everybody in the office is a late riser and it's one of those places where nobody rolls into work on time, that was a little on the weird side. The recruiter told me over the phone that they lease the office these days, something that makes me wonder if they're doing so as a way to save money as I'm guessing the recruiting biz ain't doing so well these days.

The guy was pretty cool, though, and realized it was his boo-boo and not mine and apologized over and over again for it. This might be a good thing in the end because not only will he always remember who I am, but he owes me one.

What Goes Up, Must Come Down

I realize that a lot of people are getting killed in the stock market these days-- including both parents-- but the whole wailing over it kinda bugs me. It's not that people follow it everyday as if it's a baseball season (OMG, it's down 200 points against the Nikkei Stock Exchange! Let's Make a Trade for two-hi tech companies and an industrial company to be named later!) it's just that it's become such a huge thing that it's as if the entire point of government and economics is to make the stock market go up. It's like it's some Baal-like creature that we have appease in some way, like we have to do something that make it happy and if it eventually involves the ritual sacrifice of virgins, well, so be it.

If you've followed the stock market even a bit, and I mean only a bit as I don't really own anything that's involved in it, you'll see that whatever actually happens in the economy has no bearing whatsoever on the stock market. Bad news has gone on and yet the stock market has gone up or good news happens and the stock market goes down. And for whatever it does, the experts and the traders and the analysts all go on the air to pontificate why it did what it did even if the entire reason why it went up could just be some coked up trader getting a manic over eager on a certain stock and causing a bunch of people to be caught up in his coked up mania. People are sheep and the stock market appears to be rather sheep like.

Which brings us to my main point, that the stock market has, for whatever reason, become the only indicator of how our economy is doing. If it's above 10,000, people say we're doing fine. It doesn't matter if there's higher levels of poverty or the infrastructure is crumbling or people seem to think Dancing With the Stars is something to care about and so people go about ignoring such things because the stock market is high.

But isn't that what got us into this mess in the first place? That everybody's so concerned with jacking up the stock market that nobody's cared one way or the other as to what is jacking it up? One of the things that should be obvious about this whole economic mess is that one of the reasons why the stock market has been so high is that while the country has long since lost the ability to create much of anything other than iPhones or Guitar Player or Facebook, we don't actually create anything tangible. And those things that we do, like iPhones or Guitar Player are built elsewhere. The entire economy has, since probably Reagan, has been fueled by nothing but bubble after bubble after bubble. None of this has actually added to the country in any sort of way. Instead we've created this jerry-rigged financial system built on the proverbial house of cards that's finally fallen and the worst part of it is that any attempt to try and fix the jerry-rigged financial system is met with disapproval by the stock market because the people who jerry-rigged see any attempt to fix it as an attempt to keep them from jerry-rigging the damn thing further.

To help us get out of this mess, we're going to have to do either one of two things:

1)Accept and understand what got us into this mess, lower our expectations, and rebuild a foundation for which the country can grow in a real and meaningful way
2)Quickly find another bubble. And FAST. And if that is the decision, I suggest blankets with sleeves.

The Great Depression 2:The Reckoning

Since my contract gig finished up, I went back on unemployment. Usually, unemployment benefits roll over so if I go on it, work for three months, I can still can hold on to the three months I had before and add on whatever I just earned. When I got my latest unemployment check, this didn't appear to be true and that I had way less money in it than I had before.

This is not good.

I tried calling unemployment to see what's up but I couldn't get through. This didn't surprise me as having been in this situation before, I know EDD is hard to reach. One of the ironies, of course, of recessions is that in order to balance the state budget, people who work in unemployment are laid off so that there's less people to handle the greatly increasing numbers of unemployed.

Because I've gone through this before, I went off to the EDD office because they have a special phone line which makes it easier to get through. I thought this was something only I knew but when I got there, the 10 or so phone banks to EDD were all being used and there was a line of people waiting to use one of the phone banks. Some guy at the front desk was complaining to the desk clerk that he had given up after about 45 tries and while I was in line, I heard somebody tell the security guy that the average wait time to get someone from EDD on the phone-- remember, this is the special phone line-- was an hour.

After waiting for about ten minutes, I finally got my phone but had to give up 15 minutes into it because I had only put enough money into the parking meter for half an hour, not thinking the whole thing would take double that time. When I left, I asked the guard what would be the best time to come back and call and he told me around 8 AM but then told me how to work it from home so that I could bypass a lot of the voice mail and reach an operator sooner. I thanked him and took off, determined that I was going to get up early the next day and call.

The next morning, I got up at 8 (which is early for me when I'm unemployed) and called but once again ran into voicemail hell. After about 45 minutes and about 50 attempts, I finally made it through to an employee who told me to reapply as an extension has been given.

Couple of other things about the unemployment office, one was the obvious class division between people there-- between the people who looked definitely working class and those who weren't. You could tell by those who had iPhones and those who didn't. The guy in the booth next to me was 62 and obviously Upper Middle Class who had been laid off about five months ago. 62 is a bad, bad age to be laid off because no business is going to hire a 62 year old, meaning it's early and not necessarily planned retirement for him or Safeway. The other interesting thing was the 30-something Yuppie woman who walked in listening to music on her Blackberry. She walked in and asked to use one of the computers. I don't know if it's because EDD has some sort of database she can only get there, but I thought it was weird. Could it be that this 30-something yuppie woman was now computerless, or at least internet-less, because of cutting expenses?

It is a sad fact of unemployment that most of the responses to a posted Craigslist resume are usually scams, either for some sort of telemarketing/sales type position or some job board. The trick, of course, is to make the spam mail seem real and accurate enough to trick the less-savvy out there. Some of these emails look pretty legit too, almost enough to make me go "hmmm...." Still, I don't think any email from somebody with the name Gums Ferrell is going to fool anybody.

So what have I been doing lately? I started up another blog, under my revolution nom de plum, Fielding Mellish-- Up Against the Wall Motherfuckers. Cause desperate times call for desperate times. And 'cause maybe Robespierre wasn't half bad.

It's still a work in progress but viva la revolucion!

And Your Job Posting of the Day Is....

Looking for person/persons, preferrably a couple between 20 and 40 interested in maintaining website and numerous blog sites for Castro Valley nudist club affiliated with American Assoc. of Nude Recreation. Being a nudist is not a requirement, but preferrable as we feel you would better promote our club. Responsibilities would include maintaining our website with our established server and blogging to groups interested in organized nude recreation; to include hiking, cyling, figure drawing, photography, athletic competition, yoga, and general relaxation in the sun. We are a family oriented club and desire to seek younger professionals. Compensation would be equivalent to full membership in our club and possibly additional monetary compensation.

Excuse Me While I Whip This Out

Obama's so dominated the news over the past two years that it seems like a lifetime since Numbnuts was President but in reality it's been a few days past a month. The result is that the thrill of his being President just doesn't thrill like it used to. Still, there is a moment now or then, like tonight, when the reality of it all hits and the goosebumps comes and you realize that we have an intelligent, thoughtful person as President and a bunch of Democrats in charge and for the first time in, like, forever, there's sanity coming out of DC. Oh, and the President happens to be black too.

This Post is So Blank that I'm Not Sure Why You're Reading It

Don't ask my why but I've become obsessed with the theme from the "Match Game." I can't get it out of my head. I'm so obsessed with it that I tried to find it on itunes so I could make it my ring tone. It's not on iTunes (darn) but to get my "Match Game" theme song obsession filled, I went on YouTube to see if I could find anything related to it's theme. Naturally, I found at least three clips of the theme song, two of them that just showed an image from the show while the song played and the other clip showed the actual intro of the show PLUS a clip of Bowser from Sha Na Na playing the theme song on a small, toy piano right after being introduced on the show. Naturally, finding something like this both fills with me glee and wonderment in that somebody out there somewhere decided it was worth their time to capture the clip from tv and then post it on YouTube. I'm not sure that's a good thing or not.

I had the same sort of feeling years ago when I found a clip of Gene Gene the Dancing Machine from "the Gong Show" on YouTube. Who are these people?

As part of my "Match Game" obsession lately (and no, I don't dvr reruns from the Game Show Network and Harlan and I NEVER watch them), I decided to see what I could about the show, partly to confirm the rumors I had heard that basically everyone was drunk during the filming. Naturally, Wikipedia had an entry. A very long entry. In true Wikipedia fashion, the entry was just about the same length as a posting on Napoleon as it went into who was on the show and when and the differences in questions and rules between this season and that season and when Charles Neilsen Reilly was on and when he wasn't and why. This then led to research into Richard Dawson and Gene Rayburn as well as a few others because, really, who is Richard Dawson? It's not like you ever hear of him anymore or, actually, ever. Did you know that he was so good at guessing the correct answer in the final Match Game prize round that they changed the just so people wouldn't pick him all the time? Or that he was given the Family Feud to host partly because of his popularity from the show and partly because the rest of the "Match Game" cast was jealous of all the attention he got?

I mean, WHO KNEW?

Nicole Kidman is the Fifth Cylon

In viewing Nicole Kidman at the Oscars and deciding that Nicole Kidman has long since died and been replaced by an animatronic robot.

I think I said this before, but award shows & hi-def tv do not mix. Do Not Mix At All. Half the actresses and actors look like the kid from Mask due to all the botox that's been injected and several actresses-- Anne Hathaway, I'm looking at you-- look like they've been partying for weeks. Or that could just be all the food they've been puking up lately to fit into their dresses, either one.

Seriously actors/actresses/old people-- botoxed faces do not look good in Hi Def TV.

Modern Times

Harlan went looking for a cell phone yesterday and ran into one of the main problems of this here technological age, it's impossible to buy something that just does what it's supposed to do. All she wanted to do was buy a phone-- a simple, basic cell phone that allows you to take make calls, answer calls, txt people, and take pictures of our cat-- in other words, you know, a phone. The problem is that nobody actually sells cell phones that just do the actual phone part anymore. They all come with music and web capabilities and the ability to send email and watch tv shows and shoot laser guided missiles. Naturally, this means that they're leaning towards the expensive which may or may not be the reason they no longer make phone phones anymore.

This is one of my big pet peeves about modern technology because as much as I love my baby-- the iPhone-- there's a huge list of things that exist primarily to serve one function yet they're loaded down with so much crap that they're almost impossible to do the one function that they're supposed to do. Like my arch-office-nemesis, the photo copier. The photo copier basically exists so people can make copies of something. Thus it's name. But they're loaded down with so much crap that it's often impossible to actually copy anything. Copy something, translate it into Aramaic and then blast it into outer space to try and reach Aramaic speaking aliens, sure. But to actually copy something....

It's the same problem I have whenever I want to buy sneakers. I just want plain old, plain old sneakers. Unfortunately, they don't sell just plain old sneakers anymore. There's "running shoes" and "soccer shoes" and "walking very fast shoes" as well as shoes that you can pump up and shoes that light up like cylons and shoes that are made to look like they've been signed by a famous sports athlete by a bunch of 14 year old kids in China, but no plain, normal sneakers.

Every couple of months I get a notice from the Parking Police saying I'm late on paying a parking ticket. The thing is I always pay them a day or two after I get them and I haven't gotten a ticket in awhile. Today, I got a notice about a ticket I got the day after Christmas despite the fact I don't recall a ticket on the day after Christmas and I'm pretty sure I was okay then because I've been keeping good track of when and where I park.

At this rate, I'm thinking they're just sending me fake parking tickets in hopes that I'll think that I forgot to pay the ticket and send them in more money.

While driving around today, I put on some good ole Right wing radio and heard some guy start going on and on about human infallibility and how nobody is perfect and makes mistakes. Pretty interesting stuff. Then he goes and starts saying that because people are infallible, it makes no sense for the government to have a large say in the affairs of people because people in the government are infallible and if they make a mistake, hundreds and thousands of people could be affected. This is why we need tax cuts, because people's are solidly in control of their lives and not in the hands of some government bureaucrat. The stimulus package, therefore, is bad because it means that infallible people will now run the economy.

Ummm....has he paid attention to the past few months?

Some dipshit at Bank of America comes up with some scheme using subprime mortgages and derivatives and hands off mortgages to a bunch of people who have no right to have a mortgage and he just affected thousands-- millions-- of people. If there was anything proven by the recent problems, it's that government should be more involved not less.

Then there's the point that if we give money to people via less taxes, they'll know what to do with it and all of our problems will be saved. But again, look at the mess we're in now-- people with no money went and spent what money they didn't have to buy things they shouldn't have been able to buy or probably really didn't need to buy. Seriously, people out there buy snuggies, garden gnomes and wind catchers. Basing an entire economic/social policy on allowing giving people more money to buy shamwows maybe isn't the best idea.

And another thing....I'm hearing out there all these statements as to the affect that we can't do this policy or fund this bill or propose this plan because it might upset the financial markets or hurt the banks or what have not. OMG! The Stock Market is going down! Quick, do something that will appease the financial markets! Cut capital gains or somebody's going to get it!

You know what? Fuck 'em. They're responsible for all of this. They've been the one's who jerryrigged our economic system and the people who are responsible for the financial markets are the one's who screwed the pooch. Frankly, they should be happy Americans are too fat and lazy to get off their asses and do something about all of this because in another country and in another time, it would be off with their heads. At this point, if the stimulus bill contained something about how in reward for receiving money that would bail their asses out, they'll have to spend months cleaning porta potties in the worst inner-city communities while wearing their most expensive suits and without the use of gloves, they should just "Sir, yes, sir" and SUCK IT UP.

Maybe Robespierre was onto something?

For those of you wondering what I've been doing while unemployed, I've been working on a new book entitled "The McMansions of Wrath." In the book, Tom Joad is a Mortgage Broker in Stockton and when he loses his job, he forecloses his McMansion and puts the family into the SUV (wife Jayde and their daughter Madison and their son Logan) and heads out to Oklahoma where there's low unemployment in hopes he can get a job at a local WalMart. On the way, they face such difficulties as having to sell off some of his wife's jewelry on Ebay to pay for gas, an inability to buy batteries for the kids PSPs thus causing much trauma, a lack of internet connection in several KOA campsites, many jokes in his direction at being either gay or a hippy when it's discovered he's from California, having to sell off the kid's Star Wars dvd collection to a pawn shop in Reno when Tom blows half the nest egg on Texas Hold 'Em, and the eventual repossessing of the SUV as he's been unable to pay it off. When he arrives in Oklahoma, he discovers that things aren't as easy as he thought as half of California has also relocated to Oklahoma in search of jobs.

The book ends with a soon-to-be classic speech:

"Whenever they's a fight so hungry people can eat a Big Mac, I'll be there. Whenever they's a cop harassing some dude for having California licenses, I'll be there . . . . I'll be in the way guys yell when their football team scores a touchdown an'-I'll be in the way kids laugh when they're watchin' "Miley Cyrus" an' they know it's time to go to Chili's. An' when our folks eat the stuff they buy at Whole Foods an' live in the houses they've flipped for a profit-why, I'll be there."

And here's an addendum to yesterday's post: when I was younger, my two cousins were occasionally known to be screwups (they are, however, not even close to being screwups these days in no, way, shape or form). When one of them got bad grades or did something bad, my grandmother would occasionally fly them down to the family condo in the Bahamas to cheer them up or to make them feel better about something that happened. My brother and I, however, were not screwups and so never got the invite to go the Bahamas to make us feel better.

That whole thing is starting to remind me of this whole economic recovery plans. The banks FUCK UP and they get money, including bonuses and perks for everyone. Detroit fucks up and they get money. Now with this foreclosure plan, a whole bunch of people who bought McMansions they had no right to are geting bailed out. Me? I get an extra $25 in my unemployment checks every week.

In other words, maybe I should have bought a McMansion.

I just read that story in the New Yorker about how Florida got wiped up due to the real estate bubble and how it happened and why. Which got me thinking....

When my contract ran out at Super Mondo Corporation last year, I had no debt. Didn't owe anything on my credit card, had no loans to pay off, nothing. I even bought a used car instead of a new car because I didn't want to accumulate start getting into debt. I did buy a lot of good ole consumer goods, but always within my means and managed to sock away some decent money. In other words, I did things the right way.

But now, thanks to a whole bunch of people who didn't think it weird to be able to buy a McMansion with no money down, a whole bunch of scammers out there who fed off of them, and a financial system based on a ponzi scheme, I'm screwed too.

So, anyways, thanks for all that.

Me and Harlan's favorite neighborhood joint is a sushi place a few blocks down the road from us. It's kind of random that we chose it as there's nothing particularly exciting or great about it, we just kind of started going there and going there and soon enough it became a weekly thing, something that for a long time we did every Sunday. The place has a lot of those crazy sushi rolls, including one which is baked in a toaster and comes out in aluminum foil, and we really got into the rolls. Plus, it's kind of cute in a fake-Japanese kind of way.

Anyways, we've been going there pretty much since we've moved to the Outer Richmond and they really know us now, particularly one of the waitresses, whom I guessing is the daughter of the owner. She knows us well enough that she knows most of what we want before we order and knows exactly how we like it done (we want the sushi rolls to come out all at the same time and we like forks for the baked sushi as it's too hard to grab when it's heated up). A couple of times, we were seated away from her assigned tables and she took our order anyways because she thought it would be easier that way.

The problem we're having is that for the past few months, she's been bringing us free ice cream when we're done despite the fact we've never ordered ice cream there nor do we really want the ice cream. Not that we don't like ice cream (who doesn't, especially green tea ice cream with chocolate syrup), it's just that we don't really want it. But how do we tell her that we don't want it? How does one politely go about asking for free food not to be sent our way, especially when the person giving you the food isn't very good at English? We've also realized that she's probably feeling the same way, that now that she's given us ice cream a few times, she's stuck in giving us the ice cream all the time because how could she suddenly not give it to us without thinking that she'll piss us off to the point we won't be back.

And so, every week, we eat our ice cream.

This brings up a place that we used to eat in Noe Valley. The food was pretty good and the place was really cute but the husband and wife who owned the place (the husband cooked, the wife was the waitress) we're really, really friendly. Too friendly. Often, we just wanted to have a nice, mellow dinner but we're suddenly dragged into 10-15 minute conversations with the husband and wife despite the fact the last thing we wanted to do was talk to anybody. Even worse, the husband would often come down to talk to us while we were eating. The two of them were really, really sweet and often did special things for us, but we stopped going there because we didn't like having to deal with constantly being forced into conversations. And, yes, we're awful people for being like that. And, yes, we feel totally guilty that the place closed down and we partially blame ourselves.

Still, one benefit of being well known at the sushi place is that the people who work there speak so little English that we'll never have to deal with them trying to talk to us while we're eating.

To go back to that posting about Western Europe vs. the United States, I have another thought about it.

If people who actually thought about the question would respond about one versus the other, you'd hear a lot about how the American system is better because our lower taxes and less regulatory rules creates an economy that fosters more flexibility and innovation....blah...blah...blah..... This is all shorthand for "You Can Get Really Fucking Rich." Greed, we are told, is good, and the American system works it so that greed girds the great economic wheel much more effectively than then the European model. That's fine if you really want to get rich, but while it would be nice to be rich, I'm quite okay with not. All I want is a nice, somewhat high-paying job that isn't too stressful, doesn't force me to work long hours, and has four weeks of vacation (actually, all things considering all I want is a job, but that's another matter). In other words, all those supposed benefits to the American system of capitalism doesn't really matter to me because none of it really matters to me.

There was a story once on "60 Minutes" about a recent study that showed that the country that had the highest amount of satisfied citizens was Denmark. The reason why is that the Danes never had any delusions of grandeur about their country and don't have any delusions of grandeur about the future of their country. They're just happy being what they are-- a nice, somewhat cold, European country whose biggest claim to fame is a pastry. The best way to describe how they feel about their country is that "it's fine" and everybody fine with it. Seeing as they have no great expectation for themselves or their country, they all have the kind of lifestyles I've mentioned up above and are quite okay with it.

So does this mean that I hate America? Now, I appreciate and love this country as anyone who isn't one of those moronic GI Joe, "America, Fuck Yeah" types. Like a lot of people who came to this country, my family was one of those great huddled masses who wound up here because they were being persecuted elsewhere and came here for safety. I totally appreciate the meaning of that. It also says a lot about a country because there's not many countries that would elect as President someone who is of mixed race and whose father came from Africa. It's one of the reasons why I drank the Obama Kool-Aid, because he represented everything that's great about this country and I saw in him the possibility of this country's redemption.

But still, there's something to be said about how the Danes see things and how they're quite happy with having diminished expectations. Considering how things are going in this country, we should probably start getting used to it.

There's a lot of talk out there about Facebook etiquette but not a whole lot of talk about LinkedIn etiquette because in some ways, there's a lot more weirdness to it, mainly in that while Facebook is supposed to be silly and fun-- something that lends itself to child-like behavior-- LinkedIn is supposed to be serious and professional. Which brings up the question of what does it mean if you never get a response to a query about adding somebody to your contact list? Is it because they use an old email address and they don't get it or never check LinkedIn? Possible. But you can't help wondering why you don't get certain people to respond. Like if an old boss doesn't want to link with you. Is it because despite all of the nice things they said about you, they really thought you sucked? And what about the coworkers who you thought you had a good relationship? Was the good relationship not so good?

One of my favorite bloggers, Mathew Yglesias, has been on a bit of a run lately pointing out the recurring conservative talking point that the stimulus package, as well as many of Obama and the Democrats initiatives, are wrong because it will "turn America into Western Europe." This is, of course, is seen as a bad thing by an American populace who have a strong dislike of things like free health care, affordable education, lower rates of poverty, and four weeks of vacation.

Of course, nobody asks people like Mitch McConnell just what the hell he means when says that America will be like "Western Europe" and just what exactly is wrong with that. My guess is that McConnell and everybody else who says things like that will actually not be able to respond and like that guy who accused Obama of being like Neville Chamberlain without actually knowing what Chamberlain did, just keep on saying things like that over and over again using the logic that if you say it enough times, it makes it true.

So why all of this fear-mongering of the possibility that America could wind up being like-- God help us-- Denmark or Germany? Because, as a commentor pointed out, in Americese, Western Europe equals Pussies. And who wants to live in a country of pussies even if that means having a better quality of life?

I would also like to point out that McConnell is from Kentucky. Insert punch line here.

Because of the fact the job which I try to employ myself is usually the first one to be sacrificed whenever the economy gets a little sick, I've been looking into a career path of becoming some sort of librarian type thing. The problem I've been running into is that there's no way to do some sort of librarian type thing without getting a 2 year Masters Degree in something called "Library Science."

Now, you might be wondering why one has to spend two years in getting a Masters in becoming a librarian. How hard can it be? After all, I can alphabitize, have years experience in filing, and have years of experience searching the internet. Just how long does it take to learn the Dewey Decimal system? All of which makes me think there's no real reason in the degree other than the fact that the educational system figured out it was a way of scamming people out of $20,000 by creating the need for a degree for which there is no actual need of one.

Jesus, the news out there is so bad that all I'm doing today is playing on the Wonkette message boards because of whole axiom that you gotta laugh to keep from crying.

We're all Tom Joad now.

Make this what you will, but the amount of job postings on Craigslist has gone from fairly normal to a dribble.

Just sayin'

A few weeks ago, we went over to a friend's house and ordered Nepalese food for delivery. The food was pretty good, albeit almost exactly like Indian food, but I bring this up WE GOT NEPALESE FOOD DELIVERED TO OUR HOUSE. Now, how many other cities can one say that you can get Nepalese food delivered?

It's one of those things that reminds me about why I love San Francisco.

Anyways, I watched the Grammys last night for whatever reason (well, mainly because I heard Radiohead was going to perform). The thing about the Grammys is that I can never understand why anybody gives a fuck about them because they're usually so completely out of touch with whatever is going on out there that the awards are virtually worthless. I know there's plenty of movies and tv shows that the Oscars and the Emmy's blow (like, a lot) but usually it's never as bad as on the Grammy's.

I could go on and rant about them, but since I watched most of the damn thing, I'm just going to make some random observations about them.


-The main reason why I hate watching the Grammys-- because in Grammy World, it makes perfect sense for Stevie Wonder to play with the Jonas Brothers.


-Award Shows and HiDef TV do not mix, do not mix at all. Any bad dye job (and I'm looking at you Paul McCartney) or Botox treatment becomes so obvious it becomes you're a legend, you've been knighted by the Queen. If your hair is grey, so what? If anybody's got a problem with it, what the hell should you care? You wrote "Hey Jude." What did they do?

-I'm not sure what to make of the new U2 song. The riff is great, it's got a great hook, and the song kinda rocks which is interesting because U2 is not known for rocking. On the other hand, it's way too busy and over the place, a sign that either the band didn't really have confidence in the song and themselves or they've grown completley self-indulgent and lost the ability to edit themselves. The lyrics are just God awful, however, and it brings up the fact that while Bono is completely possible of writing great lyrics, he is completely able to write lyrics that are either shite or completely meaningless, often at the same time. The lyrics to "Put on Your Boots" sound like he's not even trying anymore. And speaking of the Bonster, it pretty much has gotten to the point where he's become so ubiquitious and full of himself that he's not enjoyable to watch at all-- there's a fine line between Rock Star and buffoon. If I were his manager, I'd tell him to basically disappear for a few years in between albums so we aren't sick of him by the time he's around so much we get sick of him anyways. If that makes any sense.

I'm trying to contact someone in an HR department about a job and noticed that HR is no longer called "Human Resources" but are, instead, called "Talent Acquisition and Diversity."

In light of Sunday's Super Bowl and all the controversy that came with it, it's time to unleash my proposed rule that will alleviate said controversies. Call it the "Screw it, It's a Great Play" Rule. The rule, basically stipulates that all those technical, nit picky rules that so often infect a football game, are thrown out if the play also involves some measure of greatness. Take the Santanio Holmes catch. People are still debating whether or not Holmes was in but if my rule was in place, whether or not he was in wouldn't matter because it was such an incredibly great play Holmes should be given the benefit of the doubt. He made one of the greatest catches in football history, who cares if he might not have gotten one toe on the field? Shouldn't he be rewarded for making such an incredible catch?

The problem of great plays being nullified over small little things like details is a huge problem with the NFL because they're so anal about the rules. We've all watched some incredible play made only to see it reversed because the player's feet wasn't technically in bounds or there was a ticky tack holding call or somebody held somebody's jersey for a few seconds. Sports fans want to see great plays, they don't want to see referees in viewing booths or yellow flags thrown.

And while you might think this is ridiculous and goes against the whole point of rules, the rule is already in effect in other sports. The NBA in particular does this. Or just look at how refs treats stars. They can do whatever they want because who wants to see LeBron called for travelling or Kobe for ticky-tack fouling? Just look at how they treated Michael Jordan-- they basically let him do whatever he wants (cough last shot in Game 6 of the '98 NBA finals. And how many times have we heard it said that refs should just let people play in the final minutes of an important game and not call anything? The same goes with hockey in which players can basically mug somebody else in a playoff game or in the last two minutes of a close game because the refs realize nobody wants them to affect the game.

It's true in baseball too. Certain players get the benefit of a call more than others, especially when it comes to balls and strikes. If Barry Bonds didn't swing at a pitch that was an obvious strikes, a lot of umps would call a ball because they figured Bonds' was so good if he didn't swing at it, there must have been a good reason. And I'm pretty sure that if Derek Jeter made a shoe-string catch that technically bounced before he caught it, the umps would let it slide.

See, wouldn't this make football even better?

And, yes, I'm unemployed again. Kind of fitting that my first day of unemployment coincedes with Groundhog Day.

So how did I spend the day? Seeing a movie? Going on a bike ride? Reading? Spent it hopping on the 38 Geary to run to the Apple Store because I spilled coffee on my laptop and a few of the keys, mainly the one's in the middle, don't work.

This is a bit of a problem.

The spill wasn't actually one of those klutzy things I normally do or what people would have expected me to do. Basically, I was just sitting there at the table, drinking coffee and reading the internet when I suddenly felt a sneeze come upon me and the reaction to the sneeze is what lead to the spillage. Okay, it is still kinda klutzy but you try not spilling in that situation?

So now I don't have keys that work. What to do, what to do? First thing I do is think about going online and finding a solution. Except I can't really go online because I can't really type certain things into Google due to the fact I can't type certain letters. I tried it on my iPhone but as much as I love the iPhone it's web surfing capabilities are not such that you want to rely upon it in an emergency. Harlan has does have a computer but it's specatacularly crappy.

Not finding anything online, I do the next thing which is to make an appointment at Apple's Genius Bar. Funny thing about that-- you have to make an appointment online, you can't do it by phone. Which is great and all except for one simple fact-- you can't go online and make an appointment if you can't get online. After some bit of struggling, I was able to do it, but I'm thinking that there's a whole bunch of people who have run into that problem who were completely screwed.

I made the appointment and then did what I dread doing-- hopping on the 38 Geary (not that I'm out in the 'burbs, my quick little trips downtown aren't so quick) and made way downtown to the Apple Store which was jam packed, something a little off considering it was 2 in the afternoon.

Finally, after waiting for half an hour just to get called, I went up there and was told by the dude at the Genius Bar that there really is nothing he can do and that the only thing I can do is turn the computer off and hope that the liquid dries. I could also take a blow dryer to it and hope that works or put it upside down and hope that it drains or even put a towel in there and put it upside down that way. None of which is a 100% guarentee to work. And if it doesn't work, well, say hello to a new keyboard and the kissing of upwards of $1000 goodbye.

And that's the exact kind of thing you want to be hearing on your first day of unemployment

Yesterday, we were driving around and got caught behind a driver who somehow managed to achieve a rare Trifecta of douchebaggery. Namely they drove one of those ginormous, completely ridiculously sized pickup trucks and had huge, bumping speakers blasting rap music so loud that it made our car shake all the while having something going on with the engine/tail pipe/exhaust so that the ginormous truck was blasting exhaust fumes into the air.

Well played, dude. Well played.

Who Cares about Sawyer vs Kate vs Juliet?

Lately, I've been doing a lot of pondering over the other castaways of "Lost." Not the members of "the gang," but all the others who crashed along with "the gang." I guess it stems from the fact that this season's main plot line is having the Oceanic 6 get back to the island to supposedly "save their friends" and that makes me wonder if by friends they mean the remaining members of "the gang" who are stuck on the island or "the gang" and the remaining castaways too. I mean, it doesn't appear really that they're that friendly with the rest of the castaways as they never (or more like rarely) do anything with them, invite them to all of their Lost-style games, or even do much in the way of talking to them.

So what do those people do all day? Do they run the camp and do the cooking, be the worker bees as it were, or do they just hang out all day? Do they also see dead relatives or run into the smoke monster? Has anyone elso run into Jacob's cabin, stumbled upon another hatch, or mysteriously recovered from any life afflicting ailments? Considering that a lot of "the gang" has strange connections to each other, does this mean too that the other castaways also have strange connections to the gang or even other castaways?: And, if they have, have they told anyone else so that Jack & Locke consider their stories upon the island's myriad of mysteries or does nothing exciting to happen any of them? Or maybe they're like everyone else on the show, running into strange after strange thing and never actually telling anybody?

Which raises another question, how much do they know about what's going on? Does Jack tell them about all the mysterious hatches and the button and the Others and three toed statues or does everyone else just think they're just stuck on some mildly strange island that is altogether not that bad of a place to be stuck on what with an entire hatch full of food and showers? And if that's true, considering all the things that have happened to them, what must they be thinking? After all, they're just sitting their, lying on the beach, and all of a sudden they're traveling through time and are getting shot at by flaming arrows. There must have been many times in the past couple of months on the island where they've thought to themselves "what the fuck?"

But what if they do know something is strange about the island and some of the craziness involved? Are they then even at all pissed off that whenever something happens, Jack takes off with Kate or Locke or Sayid and nobody else? Do they ever get insulted, thinking basically that they're the uncool kids to the gang's cool kids? And do you think they're even at all a bit pissed that every once in awhile, when "the gang" does something, even worse things happen to them, not the least of which is traveling back and forth through time?

And finally, just how many of them are there? We know a couple of them have been killed and two got killed last week. After three years away from the island, Locke and Sawyer (yes, and Juliet) just might be the only people left and if so, is it really worth going back to? It's not like anybody liked Locke and Sawyer's kind of dick. Maybe they should start the show like they do on BSG and announce just how many people are left on the island, changing the number anytime somebody dies. And, of course, adding to the total everytime somebody mysteriously comes back from the dead. That way, maybe we'd care that not just members of "the gang" get off the island, but everyone else does too.

Today was the last day at my month long job that turned into a five month long job. I think I've written about this before but I hate the last day of work, especially at a place-- like this one-- which was a really nice place to work. There's all the awkwardness of saying goodbye to people you don't really know that well or don't really like. And even though everybody says "send me your information so we can keep in touch" nobody really does, especially considering I was there for only five months (my guess is that "give me your contact information" when you're leaving is an automatic think, like saying gezundheit when somebody sneezes). Then there's the inevitable dread that somebody has something big planned and you get dragged into a conference room and presented with a cake.

Oh yeah, then there's the fact I hate saying goodbye in general, especially when there's a bunch of coworkers I really, really liked.


Since I knew about a week ago that today was going to be my last day, there's all sorts of additional weirdness involved, like who knows and who doesn't and who should know and how much do I want people to know? And while I say I don't care that much and don't want to turn it into a big deal, by the time it comes close, I kinda wanted to have some sort of big deal made. It's like how people are with their birthday-- people say they don't care but the closer that day comes the more they do care and start getting pissed that they're not getting birthday greetings. So as the week progressed-- the day even-- I started to wonder, "hey, come nobody's saying anything? Where my peeps at?"

Well, the peeps came out and it was a rough hour or two with lots of sniffling and goodbyes and did I mention that it was one of the nicest places I've worked at?

Which brings us to today's topic, mainly the whole "to hug or not to hug" thing with women, especially women coworkers. Now, I've usually been kinda anti-hug, or more like too uptight to hug. Now, I've mellowed out enough that I do and will occasionally seek out a hug. But what about with coworkers because there were actually a couple of coworkers who I actually kinda wanted to hug because I adored both of them. But who initiates the hug? Me? Them? Is it weird since it's a work thing? And if I hug a few people, do I have to hug everyone, even the one's I don't feel connected enough to hug?

It's also a weird things with hugs because with guys, you can shake their hands and that's good enough but you don't really shake hands to say goodbye to a female. Instead, I guess, you hug but hugging is such a more intimate thing than shaking hands as body actually meets body. Of course, women are more intimate and emotional than guys are so that makes some sense, but still.

Then there's my (ex) boss who's female and I felt like I could have hugged her but I wasn't sure because I don't know if she's a hugger and so there was this weirdness when I said goodbye to her because I felt like I should have but, as a guy and as someone who was at one point a boss, should I initiate it or should she? I finally said goodbye to everyone but now I'm feeling guilty because, darnit, I kinda feel like I should have at least hugged somebody.

Oh well. Anyways, I'm really going to miss working there.

Earlier I posed the question-- who sucks more, Fall Out Boy or Nickleback. Since I'm still not sure what the answer is, I've decided to break it down.

Pro Fall Out Boy:
-witty lyrics (or so I've heard)
-effort put into being somewhat original and different
-band leader actually got MTV to allow him to start his own show on MTV for the express purposes of playing music videos
-somewhat politically active and vocally supported Obama
-named after character in the Simpsons

Con Fall Out Boy:
-Despite attempts to be original and unique, songs are not very good
-Do not, in any shape or form, rock
-At all
-Grew hair out and donned ironically cool facial hair in an attempt to look like they rocked only to see attempt make them look even less like they rock
-Band member impregnated Ashlee Simpson
-Occasionally mentioned in stories that include the words "Paris Hilton"
-named after character in the Simpsons and still suck

Pro Nickleback
-Do somewhat rock
-It's always good to have a solid, meat & potatoes rock band out there in the world
-Have not impregnated anyone in the Simpson's family
-Never mentioned in a story that includes the words "Paris Hilton"
-While fans include kids under the age of 18, their fan base doesn't only consist of kids under the age of 18
-Do not wear eyeliner
-From Canada. Like Rush!
-Had a video which featured important, politically correct slogans

Con Nickleback
-May indeed rock, but not by much
-While it's good to have at least one meat & potato rock band out there, it would help if they didn't sound like every other meat & potato rock band in the history of meat & potato rock bands
-Also features issues with facial hair
-From Canada. Like Celine Dion.
-Wrote a song called "Something in Your Mouth" which features these lyrics:
"got to meet the hottie with the million dollar body
they say it’s over budget but you’d pay her just to touch it come on
needs to hit the big screen and shoot a little love scene
if Hollywood had called her she’d be gone before you holler come on"
-Did we mention there's not one hint of originality? AT ALL

I have this fantasy where one of those douchey right-wing pundits lose their job and their life savings due to the very economic policies called for by their douchey right wing views. They will then have to go out and find a job whereupon they discover that there is not much need in the real world for douchey right-wing pundits. In order to survive, they will have to live on unemployment and take a series of demeaning and random service jobs to keep from running out of unemployment because their influential columns have made influential people in DC think that people don’t need unemployment for long periods of time. They will also find themselves losing their healthcare and having trouble getting coverage because all the heart disease incurred from all those free, lobby sponsored banquets made them too high of a health risk. They will then have to go into medicare but will have trouble with that because their influential columns have made influential people in DC think that the health care system doesn’t need to be fixed.

The children of said douchey right-wing pundit will have to be pulled out of whatever prestigious place of academia for which they attend for either a public school if school age or community college if college age as they will be unable to afford nothing else. Unfortunately for them, even their connections wouldn’t be able to get them into Ivy League Schools as they won’t be able to afford them and all of their influential columns have made influential people in DC think that giving money to anyone who wants to attend college is a waste of tax payer money. As they had said many times, all these sorts of problems could be solved just by simply handing out tax breaks.

They will finally retire somewhere in the mid-70’s after spending the last few years of their life as a WalMart greeter, a company for which they had defended many a time in many of their think pieces but were now paying them barely above minimum wage and refusing to give them health benefits. At one point, they were heard to mutter something about the need for unions or increased benefits for the working class, but nobody listened to them anymore as they were only the mutters of a crazy old coot.

Naturally, they will die bitter and alone, mourned by no one

I'm watching coverage of Bush's final farewell speech and somebody mentioned that both Biden and Clinton made their last vote as a Senator today because they're about to start their new jobs, it finally dawned on me--- dear God, this is really happening.

I mean, like, wow.

Oh, one more thing on economics-- like a lot of people, I'm not that excited about Obama's stimulus package. An attempt at bipartisanship is all nice and wonderful but now, more than ever, is the time where the initiative should be taken and we should say screw that and once and for all, take an aluminum baseball bat to Reaganesque conservative economic and social theory and smash it into little, tiny bits. And then bash on it some more so that it's nothing but teeny-tiny little bits and pieces, bits and pieces that will then be thrown into a huge bonfire so there's nothing left of it but one giant, pulverized ash heap. And what should we do with that ash heap? Put it one of those vases people put the ashes of their cremated relatives and throw it into the ocean and let the fish eat it.

This will all be done in an environmentally conscious way, of course.

Due to certain, errr, tolerance related stomach issues, I have discovered that my new favorite drink is a soy chai late, something that embarrasses me to no end as I don't think it gets anymore pretentiously California. And speaking of coffee, I was at Peet's this morning and noticed that most of the counter people were people my age or slightly older. I know there's plenty of economic stats out there but I think another leading indicator should be the amount of middle-management types in their 30's and 40's who are working at coffee shops. Same with, say, people in their in their 50's and 60's bagging groceries at Safeway (that's my big fear as my next career plan).

For that reason, I think that part of Obama's big stimulus package should be subsidizing coffee shops because us middle aged folks need somewhere to work when we all get laid off and better Peet's than say the Gap or temp assignments involving filing. There should be part of the plan, however, which dictates the kind of coffee shop one works based on their previous position. People who are just cogs in the great wheel of capitalism, the kind who go to work to support a house and kids and do nothing that harmless, can get their picks of coffee shops. Those who were high powered executives at financial institutions should be forced to work at coffee shops at places like those on 22nd & Guerrero, the kind that involves crappy hand-me down furniture, snotty clientele, and the possibility of being caught in a gang related shooting.

There was an all-hands meeting at work today and one of the benefits of being a contractor is I don't really have to go. I hate them anyways because it all basically comes out as "blah....blah...blahh....bs....bs....bs....blah....blah....blah." Then they will talk about how wonderful the company is doing and how well they're handling the economic downturn, and then a month later they will start laying people off. Hell, I've been in all-hands meeting in which they discussed how much money the department I was working in was bringing to the company (somewhere in the billions) and a bunch of people at the meeting had been laid off a few days before.

It is also true about these meetings that if the word "outsourcing" is mentioned and quickly denied, they will begin outsourcing within weeks.

But, of course, everyone who goes to the meetings laughs at all the jokes, cheers at all the applause lines, and pats the Powers that Be on their backs for doing such a great job at the meeting. This all-hands meeting, from where I was sitting, sounded more like a party then an actual "State of the Company" meeting. So either the people involved were really funny and the news really good, or everyone was trying their darndest to pretend that the jokes were really funny and the news really good. You wouldn't want some boss to look out into the audience and think to himself "Johnson's not laughing. That'll go on his report..."

Heading home from a friend's house, I was listening to sports talk radio and actually heard this from an ESPN "football analyst" concerning next week's Steelers/Chargers game: "Well, the big thing is that Roethlisberger is going to play. That should be a huge factor." Uhhh, really? So you really think that the fact that the star starting quarterback is going to play in a playoff game will be some sort of factor in that game? Good one. And way to take a stand there too.

Anyways, next week Fox has the great Giants/Eagles game, a game that represents everything good and right with football, as well as a Cardinals/Panthers that I don't think anybody thinks will be any good or of any interest to anyone. Still, this didn't stop the yucksters on Fox Football from talking about what an exciting weekend of football they have coming up. Now, I know people at the sports networks have to hype up a game in order to get people to watch it, but I don't even think they think the game is very exciting. Just once I'd like some announcer to say something like "well, we got one great game next week and one that's not so good. So, watch it if you want, but if you want to run errands next weekend, that would probably be a good time to do them. Hell, if it wasn't for the fact I'm getting paid for this, I think I'd go take the kids to see a movie. I hear 'Slumdog Millionaire' is pretty good."

It appears that the big name in rock is the band David Hinderback. Or something like that-- I've heard that they're all different artists but I can't seem to tell the difference between any of them. It's all the same to me-- plain ole meat & potatoes rock featuring power chords, growling vocals, and power ballads. Lots and lots of power ballads all featuring strings, guitar solos, power chords, and big choruses.

The thing I never get about all those types of songs featuring those type of artists is that sounding that generic appears to be the actual point. Nobody involved in the making of those songs ever stops to think that having the song sound like millions of other songs might not be such a good thing. Wouldn't it be better if, instead of saying "great song! But you know what'll make it better-- how about a guitar solo here that leads into just you strumming on an acoustic guitar and we'll throw in a swirling orchestral background over the chorus which you'll sing endlessly. Also, don't worry about vocals or even your guitar parts because we'll throw it all into ProTools and it'll fix everything" they said "great song, but let's ixnay the guitar solo and instead of straight power chords, we'll throw your guitar through about ten different effect boxes so that it'll sounds like a cat crying out loud after somebody stepped on it's tail and over all that, we'll loop in a sample of some Tuvan Throat Singing and I'm just going to close my eyes on the mixing board and spin the dials and however it comes out will be how we mix it. Oh, and as for your singing, let's record your vocals after you drink about six margaritas and smoke a half a pack of cloves and we'll record it on one try."

See, if they did it that way, I'd be totally into David Hinderback.

For whatever reason, I've been reading a bit today about the Duggar family, that family of religious nuts in Arkansas (natch) who so believe that Jesus told people to go forth and multiply that they have done so to the tune of 18 kids. If that wasn't freaky enough, the girls are not allowed to wear pants and wear some sort of cloth dress instead and all the kids name starts with the letter "J". And, yes, they are all home schooled.

So I'm imagining something like this as the conversation that happens when Mrs and/or Mrs. Duggar finally goes to the celestial beyond and meets the Big Guy Himself

Duggar: OMG, it's JESUS!!!!!!
Jesus: Yes it is me
Duggar: I know! I'm one of your biggest fans
Jesus: Thank you.
Duggar: In fact, just because of you, my husband and I had 21 kids
Jesus: You did what now?
Duggar: Because you told us to go forth and multiply and because you called children as blessings, we had 21 kids
Jesus: I said that?
Duggar: Uh-uh. And because of you, we had them all start with the letter J!
Jesus: Really?
Duggar: And we wouldn't let the girls wear pants and we home schooled them and made them vow not even to kiss anybody until they got married.
Jesus: Really? No, really?
Duggar: Uh-huh
Jesus: Jesus, you're a fucking idiot.

Oh, and yes, total Idiocracy.

I can't really say this is scientific, but I think cold weather makes people just as lazy, if not more, than the heat. Why do I think this way? Because ever since I've been off from work for Christmas, I have yet to pretty much do much of anything. I can barely make it off the couch these days. Now here's where the temperature comes in. The problem, I think, is that is that I finally get comfortable in one spot and then decide that I'm warm in this spot but if I were to move maybe just an inch or two out of that spot, I'll be back in the cold. So why move?

And I haven't.

I am once again watching a History Channel special on the Apocalypse and Satan and all that and I can't help but wonder about the ending of the End of Days. Supposedly, the whole thing has been foretold and everything will come as depicted which makes me wonder if so, why would Satan then go ahead and do everything he's supposed to do if he knows at the end it won't work and that Jesus eventually defeats him in the end? Wouldn't that be kind of stupid? You could argue, then, that the plot of the Apocalypse could be seen as Satan knowing how his fate is foretold yet can't do anything to stop it. Which, if you think about it, means that Satan is more of a tragic hero than the villain.

There's been a lot of hand-wringing lately over the state of the newspaper business caused by the announced bankruptcy of the Chicago Tribune and the reported loan taken out by the NY Times to stay afloat. This has led to an ever-increasing discussion of how to save the newspaper business these days as economic issues and the internet have taken away a huge, huge slice of their business. While there are plenty of people out there with ideas on how to fix the business and even if it is worth fixing, I think I have the solution on how to save the newspaper business, mainly to follow the lead of the British Tabloids and throw in pictures of topless women.

It's just that easy.

Journalistic integrity, schmournalistic integrity. There ain't no problem that can be solved in the newspaper biz like a little Lucy Pinder or Keeley Hazell. The Chronicle could hire every award winning reporters, break the biggest story in the world, and create the greatest news related web site in the country and it won't do nearly as much to help circulation as naked chicks would.

During my many unemployments, when I was down and running out of money, people would tell me that, well, there's always Starbucks. But a man has his limits and one of mine is that I didn't want to wear some sort of outfit. Then there's the fear I'd have that it makes you look like that much of a loser if you're serving lates with some kind right out of college in your 30's.

The good thing about a depression, though, is that since nobody has a job, there is no dignity to lose because nobody has any dignity anymore. We're all in the same boat. So who cares if I have to work at the 'Bucks this time around because I know I won't be the only 40 year old wearing Starbucks' outfit and making frappucinos. In fact, I'm willing to bet that at this time next year, a large percentage of people working at Target, Starbucks, and/or McDonald's are going to be people who a year before were all in middle management.

And speaking of jobs, I'm all in favor of Obama's stimulus plan and I'm eagerly awaiting to start my future career in highway construction. Which brings up the point that the stimulus' plan doesn't seem quite fair as it doesn't include anything for us ex-liberal arts majors, people who I might add or some of the most under-employed types in the country. Couldn't part of that stimulus package include us? New highways aren't going to market themselves, ya know. Or maybe they could create some sort of program where all you'd have to do is sit at a desk and surf the web all day. In fact, if you know your Depression History, FDR actually created a whole bunch of jobs for the artists out there. So, if you're reading this, Barack Hussein, couldn't there be some sort of nationalized blogger force?

Don't ask how or why, but over the weekend, a video of "We are the World" was watched. Again, don't even begin to ask how it happened. Which brings up the interesting thing about the song, that despite the intended purpose of the song and the whole bigness of the thing-- the earnestness, the chorus, the star power, the song is actually pretty crap. Between the overly produced '80's production and the overly earnestness, the song fits more in the category of "Hit From Hell" than classic pop. It is, in fact, pretty much looked over as a pop cultural moment despite it's star power. This is a bit different from it's inspiration, "Do They Know It's Christmas" which is still played on the radio and talked about despite the fact most of the singers who perform are currently in the "Where Are they Know" file (the video is actually fun to watch for this reason-- the whole thing becomes a trivia contest over who can recognize which star). Of course, it helps that "Do They Know It's Christmas" is actually a half-way decent song.

But what makes the song so awesome is it's star power, a motley and totally random mix of musical icons and 80's .

Here's what I mean-- here's the artist who sings a lyric of the song, in order of when they sing:

Lionel Richie (now known as Nicole Richie's dad)
Lionel Richie & Stevie Wonder
Stevie Wonder
Paul Simon
Paul Simon/Kenny Rogers (?)

Kenny Rogers (now known mainly as a victim of a really bad botox accident
James Ingram (who?)
Tina Turner (with that awesome wig)
Billy Joel (he looks a little pissed that he's here)
Tina Turner/Billy Joel

( CHORUS )
Michael Jackson (in his Thriller, you thought I was weird then look)
Diana Ross
Michael Jackson/Diana Ross (proof that they have been in the same room together)

Dionne Warwick (now doing informercials for a psychic hotline)
Dionne Warwick/Willie Nelson (??)
Willie Nelson (how stoned do you think he is at this point?)
Al Jurreau (yawn)

( REPEAT CHORUS )
We are the world, we are the children (Bruce Springsteen)
Kenny Logins (why?)
Steve Perry(!)
Daryl Hal (Oates is there but surprisingly never sings)

When you're down and out there seems no hope at all (Michael Jackson)
But if you just believe there's no way we can fall (Huey Lewis)
Well, well, well, let's realize that a change can only come (Cyndi Lauper)
When we (Kim Carnes)
Kim Carnes/Cyndi Lauper/Huey Lewis (?????????????????????????????)

(REPEAT CHORUS AND FADE )

(additional ad-lib vox by Bob Dylan, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Bruce Springsteen, James Ingram)

Alright, I guess it's time to post a new NY Times Wedding Announcement. This one isn't so easy to do as it's like a short story about the couple, who they are, how they met, how they courted, and eventually how they got married. Which raises the question who the fuck would care? It's a bit presumptuous to think anyone would really want to know who two random, completely uninteresting people are and how they're relationship would develop.

Anyways, meet Stacia Zukroff and Wyatt Biel. Since the announcement is way to long for anybody to read (including me), here are the highlights:

These are the actual opening paragraphs:

STACIA ZUKROFF treasures a photo of herself taken on the summit of the storied ruins of Machu Picchu, in which she is wearing jeans, an embroidered Peruvian blouse, her waist-length hair tied in a ponytail. She was all of 4 years old.

It is but one image from an eight-month sojourn with her parents through South America that her father, Carl Zukroff, described as a “posthippie spiritual quest.” But for Ms. Zukroff it marked the beginning of her own quest for travel and adventure, which has taken her to more than 50 countries so far.

As a youth, she traveled in the West and took flying lessons.....

After graduating from Bates in 1991, “She came home from college, did all her laundry, and then, that was basically it,” said her father, who is the director of marketing communications for the Museum of Science in Boston. She set out on the road again, this time for Barcelona, Spain

....Enter Wyatt Biel, whose own travels, until he and Ms. Zukroff met in 2001, had been limited to hunting and fishing expeditions in his native Wisconsin...

As a way of trying to expand his social circle in his new hometown, he attended a leadership training workshop and hike organized by the Appalachian Mountain Club. Ms. Zukroff was assigned as his mentor.

She liked him well enough to invite him, some months later, to a holiday party at her house. Mr. Biel, however, had a better offer, and headed to Great Britain — his first trip abroad — to visit a friend.

That might have been the end of the road for Mr. Biel and Ms. Zukroff, as she began a romantic relationship with another man who did attend her party. But months later Ms. Zukroff was single again and thought of Mr. Biel, eight years her junior, when his name came up as a possible co-leader for a club ski outing in New Hampshire.

On the weekend trip, he “flirted outrageously” with her, Ms. Zukroff remembered. “He was extremely attentive and touchy.” After the trip she sent him an e-mail message that read: “Are you really interested in me, or were you just flattering an older woman?

On the weekend trip, he “flirted outrageously” with her, Ms. Zukroff remembered. “He was extremely attentive and touchy.” After the trip she sent him an e-mail message that read: “Are you really interested in me, or were you just flattering an older woman?”

It took Mr. Biel, who did not have e-mail service in his apartment, three days to check his messages on a public library computer. He wrote back: “I’m just being me.”

Ms. Zukroff was perplexed. “I had no idea what that meant,” she said. Yet she found him to be so “cute, persistent and adorable,” she said, that she kept thinking about him.

Shortly thereafter, Ms. Zukroff and Mr. Biel were thrown together again at a first-aid course. When an after-hours group outing to a movie fizzled as members of the group begged off, she invited him to her apartment to watch a movie on cable. They settled on “Autumn in New York,” in which Richard Gere falls for a terminally ill Winona Ryder “A really awful movie,” she said. “But as I watched, I could feel him watching me. When I looked over, he was just grinning ear to ear. And then he kissed me.”

Their romantic adventure had begun....


In 2005, when Ms. Zukroff organized a hike to the 19,341-foot summit of Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania, Mr. Biel was impressed, but disappointed that his classes prevented him from joining her.


At 15,700 feet, Ms. Zukroff said, “I called him on a satellite phone to tell him how much I loved him.”


Later in the day, 80 family members and friends gathered for the wedding in a small room at the lodge that is hung with enormous black-and-white photos of mountains taken by the late Bradford Washburn, an explorer. The couple stood before Kevin M. Kozin, a Universal Life minister who had hiked Mount Kilimanjaro with the bride, and exchanged vows that spoke about how marriage can and should be an adventure, too.

She recited: “I want to travel to the center of your perception of me.

“The place where you and I meet.

“Which, for lack of a better word, we call love.”

About a year ago, I lost my health insurance-- the perils of being a contractor in today's economy (actually, yesterday's economy as this all happened before everything went to hell in a hand basket). For awhile I was paying COBRA which was about $400 a month. Sucky, yes, but it's better than no health insurance which is what I would have had without it because apparently I am not eligible for individual plan health insurance because while I'm healthy, I'm not healthy enough.

Luckily, I was able to get on Harlan's health insurance as a "domestic partner" and now not only have health insurance, but really great health insurance. Today we discovered that, unfortunately, the federal government doesn't consider "domestic partner" health insurance but as extra income and so a huge bite was taken out of her paycheck. This despite the fact you'd think it would be in the best interest's of the country to have me, or anybody for that matter, insured.

Apparently not.

And, as Harlan pointed out, the one's who get really screwed are gay people because unless people stop being idjits, they can get registered as domestic partners and domestic partners only. That is if they're lucky.

Lately, I read "Deerhunting with Jesus," a book that I thought would be really funny, being all about life in White Trash Land and all. Unfortunately, it was depressing as hell. The so-called working class hasn't just been screwed, hasn't just been fucked, but more like gang-raped over and over again by the Powers That Be. It's awful what's happened to them and by them I also mean us. Now these people are the people who supposedly would never vote for Democrats, Obama least of all, as the people in the book all hail from that place Sarah Palin oh so eloquently referred to as the "Real America." This fact brings all sorts of hand-wringing/mocking from us Blue Staters because the people who probably need progressive politics the most are the very same people who vote against them because of things like guns and Jesus (the book, in fact, was the inspiration behind Obama's bitter comment). The thing about the book, though, is that that these people are either too stupid to realize just how fucked they are and/or so fucked that they don't have time to realize just how fucked they are.

What's the point of all this? Because now that the glow has faded from the election, what's left is the cold hard fact that this country is now a burnt-out shell of a wreckage. I know it's a little out of context, but at this point, the only way to feel is exactly like Charlton Heston felt when he came upon the Statue of Liberty at the end of "Planet of the Apes".

"You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"

Or, as Ricky Gervais said in his HBO Special, "how does it feel to be a third world country?"

At work a few days ago, they held Volunteer Day. The company signed up to do that Project Homeless Connect thing, where volunteers get together and for one day a month help homeless people (all snark aside, it's a pretty cool thing). A lot of people I work with volunteered to help out. I did not. As a contractor, I was left out of the email chain. Also, homeless people smell.

This, however, makes things a little awkward when asked if I was going to volunteer, or, as somebody said, "go help the Homeless." Because there's no way of saying that you're not without sounding like a selfish dick.

I'm still contracting where I was contracting before which means that now I have to deal with one of the best things contractors have to deal with-- Holiday Parties.

On Monday, I get into work to discover that the VP has scheduled the Holiday Party for that morning. At 9. At an ice skating rink. I know, right? So when I get in, those employees who didn't use the party as an excuse to extend their holiday for at least another morning were all standing near my cubicle as my cubicle is in the front row of cubicles in front of a little break area where everyone was gathered for breakfast and to hear the details about ice skating.

Now I didn't want to go. At all. But deciding what to do isn't as easy as it sounds. First up is that everybody around me and everyone in my department, even those who I wouldn't expect to, decided to go, and all made that decision right in front of me. And because there's a great big huge group of people standing in front of me all geeked up on OJ and Costco muffins getting in a holiday spirit, it's hard not to get sucked into the "well, everybody's doing it" vibe. Who wants to look like a loser?

OK, so what the hell, I'll go. Except, technically I can't because I'm a contractor and contractors can't go. To get clarification, I even asked the Creative Director (my boss's boss) and he said no I couldn't. He then also said I should go anyways only to ask on the way there if he'll get me in trouble for allowing me to go. On the one hand, it's a compliment that people who I work with want me to go even though they all know I can't. On the other hand, it's a little awkward when very-higher ups walk by you at the rink and give what to you looks like a "what the hell are they doing here?" look. Oh, and they handed out company tchotcke's to all the employers there and when I walked into the rink, I didn't know whether I should ask for one. The only reason I did was because the Creative Director, again, told me to go for it.

But still, why did I go if I really didn't want to and wasn't allowed to? Was it just one more example of me giving into peer pressure? Or was it because I talked to my boss a few minutes before all this happened and when I mentioned I wasn't going, she off-handedly mentioned that there was going to be nobody around and as she was busy signing time sheets at that particular moment, I wasn't sure she meant that just as a statement of fact or as a subtle way of letting me know that she knows that there's nobody around and if I don't go, I'm about to bill the company for several hours of time in which I won't do any work. Instead of, say, getting paid to ice skate.

How was it? About what you'd expect-- it was 9 in the morning, everyone had just come back from a four day weekend, and they made those who were able to skate do the hokey pokey. Oh, yes, they did. As for me, I wished I didn't go about the moment I showed up and not just because of the aforementioned reasons. Mainly because I got there and realized that I hated Christmas Parties for the most part because of forced interaction with people whose only relationship to you is a working one and as I had been only there for four months and was not really an employee there anyways, I didn't have that much of a relationship to anyone anyways.

Then there was today. My little group, the three other people who also do my job and my boss, went out for what looked like a departmental Christmas lunch. I'm not sure whether it was or not because nobody told me and I wasn't invited. I just know that at around 11:45, they all got up, put on their jackets, and walked out together talking about how they were going to miss something. Of course it makes sense that I wasn't invited to the lunch-- I'm a contractor, a temp. But still, I had been there long enough to have that awkward feeling of knowing that I wasn't invited something to which everybody else was.

And, yes, I do realize that there is a seeming contradiction here, of wanting to go to something for which I couldn't go but then wanting to go to something for which I couldn't go. Well, one involved ice skating at 9 in the morning, the other one lunch-- easy choice there. But mainly it's just that it's the subtle reminder that when it comes down to it, you do not actually belong. In one case, an effort was made to include me. The other one not.

Alright, here is a new, official, weekly feature of Hooray For Anything-- the NY Times Wedding Announcement of the Week. As anyone who reads the Times knows, the wedding announcement section, otherwise known as Jews Getting Married, is oftentimes the best part of the paper as it usually rich couples with even richer parents who are full of themselves enough to announce it to the world in the Paper of Record.

Anyways, the winning couple, heretofore known as the Cum Laudes, win for various reasons, not the least of which is the fact that they are either all broke right now, will about to be, or should be, all excepting the father who is too busy laundering money for drug dealers and CEO's looking for tax shelters to be in the poorhouse. Also, they win just for having the phrase "yachts department of an insurance subsidiary" listed in their announcement.

And here they go, the lovely Kathryn Bache & Christopher Lotz;

Kathryn Grace Bache, a daughter of Sara E. Davis and Stephen K. Bache, both of La Cañada Flintridge, Calif., was married Saturday to Christopher Philip Lotz, a son of Wendy Lotz and Philip A. Lotz of New Canaan, Conn. The Rev. Kelly H. Rogers performed the ceremony at the Congregational Church of New Canaan, and Rev. Ken Kline Smeltzer, a minister of the Church of the Brethren, participated.

The bride and the bridegroom, both 22, met during their freshman year at New York University, from which they graduated, she cum laude and he magna cum laude.

Ms. Bache is keeping her name. She works in New York as an intern at Luntz, Maslansky Strategic Research, a market research unit of the Omnicom Group.

Her parents work in Pasadena, Calif. Her father is the owner of Bache Capital Management, an investment advisory firm, and her mother is a manager in the portfolio management department at a subsidiary of Legg Mason, the Baltimore investment management company.

Mr. Lotz works in New York as an underwriter-in-training in the yachts department of an insurance subsidiary of A.I.G. Until this month he was a research assistant in the political science department at New York University.

His father is an owner and the chairman of Juniperus Capital, a hedge fund in Bermuda.

PS-- thanks to the magic of Google AdSense, on a message board full of people complaining about what a piece of shit Epson printers are, the entire right side of the page includes ads for Epson. Not quite sure this is where Epson would want their ads published.

One of the great mysteries of the computing world is that the very act of hooking up a printer, inserting all the proper chords, and the very act of hitting print never seems to work the first time. Chances are it won't work the second time either.

Now, you would think that this wouldn't be the case as the very act is one of the most basic functions of the computer world. But, for some unexplainable reason, it is far easier to use a web cam to film pornographic pictures of your neighbors having sex and then posting it on both YouTube and Facebook than it is to print a simple confirmation ticket to a movie.