I got a cell phone on Monday and it's pretty exciting. Believe it or not, I've been pretty much cell phone-less since the whole cell phone craze began. Yeah, I had a cell phone awhile back, but it was a job phone and free for working there. Once I quit, I lost the phone. This cell phone I bought with my very own money and by using my Super Mondo Corporation discount.

When I went to sign up I was given a list of cell phones I could chose from. Because I'm signing up with a cellular service, some of the phones were free. But what would the point in getting a free phone be? Instead, I went with the cell phone with all the bells and whistles you can get without actually having the camera attached (my feeling about the cell phone camera is that it's really fun for about a week or so then gets pretty old fast). I can play games, text message, check the Web, choose all sorts of different ring tones, and send e-mail. Which, of course, means I don't know how the damn thing works.

When the phone came, it came with it a hundred page book on how the thing works. And while it can tell me how to put cute little smiley faces in my text message or press a number so that the phrase "I'll meet you there" automatically shows up on the screen, it doesn't tell you exactly how to send a text message. Or, the book tells you how to send voice mail messages to the entire Eastern Seaboard but doesn't tell you how to record your voice-mail message. I'm not even sure what half the buttons on the thing do and I'm kind of afraid of pressing them for fear I'm going to be making a super-expensive call to China or download "Doom" at $10 a pop.

Now that I have a cell phone, though, I was half expecting that instantly my life would change. I'd get phone call after phone call and I'd spend half my free time calling everyone to see what Jimmy's doing tomorrow night or if Susie like totally made out at the guy at the bar after the game, but it ain't happening. Nobody's calling. So far, I haven't even made the big cell phone call from the company shuttle yet. Or even the cell phone call while waiting at BART.

Now that I have one, though, I realize that I'm faced with making one of the biggest decisions a person can face- their ring tone. Because like the At-Bat theme song, the ring tone isn't just a tone, it's a sign of who you are. Of what you like to be. And what you want people to think of you because, after all, isn't the point of having a cool ring tone is that people here it and go "that's cool?" And the leading contender for my ring tone? Salt-n-Pepa's "Push It." Yeah, it's not like I'm a "Push It" kind of guy, but can anyone tell me that hearing that riff doesn't bring a smile to their face?