Its The Hooray For Anything Summer Movie Guide:

Already Released:

Van Helsing- A movie starring everyone's favorite 19th century Vampire Slayer. Except he's not fighting just Dracula, but also Frankenstein’s monster and the Werewolf! And he's not an old professor, but Hugh Jackman! He was "Wolverine" in the X-Men movies! And also Curly in a recent revival of "Oklahoma!" The movie's supposed to suck.

Troy- The movie "inspired" by Homer (as in the Greek Homer, not the four-fingered, yellow-skinned, father of Bart Homer) and starring the non-Jen part of Brad & Jen. Boy, are all those people who think they can watch this movie instead of actually reading the Iliad gonna be in for a big surprise. This movie does suck.

Shrek II- Sequel to the out-of-nowhere-cartoon smash hit "Shrek." You know, I saw it and I kind of liked it. Should be a huge hit with the Happy Meals set.


Not Opened Yet

May 28

The Day After Tomorrow- Global warming causes a new ice age that causes the end of the world as we know it. It's a disaster flick, it's got kick-ass special effects, and Conservatives are all in a snit about it because it attacks President Bush. What's not to love?

Saved!- Yes, another movie starring a teeny-bopper starlet (this time Mandy Moore) about the traumas of High School. Just what the world needed. This one's kind of tough to figure out, though. It's about Born Again Christian types and stars an actress who is trying to be the wholesome Britney Spears, yet it’s produced by Michael Stipe (lead singer of R.E.M) and supposedly kind of hip. That's three things -- Christians, wholesomeness, and Michael Stipe -- that just don't add up.


Soul Plane- "Comedy" about an airline for and run by Black People. Because, you know, Black people are funny. And you know what's funnier? White people trying to act black.

June 4

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban- Do I even have to mention what this movie is about? Each book in the series gets progressively better, and the hack who directed the first two movies (Christopher Columbus) has been replaced by a real director (Alfonso Cuaron, the director who did "Y Tu Mama Tambien"). If the previews are any indication, this should be everything the other films weren’t: dark, creepy, and almost artful. In other words, this movie could be great.

June 11

The Chronicles of Riddick- Stars Vin Diesel. Hey, whatever happened to Vin Diesel? Wasn't he supposed to be the Next Big Thing? Dame Judy Dench cashes in a paycheck and co-stars. She'll probably get nominated for acting in this movie because it's in the rules that she has to.

The Stepford Wives- Nicole Kidman stars in a remake of the 1975 cult classic about perfect housewives in a perfect little Connecticut town. Because any movie can instantly be made bigger with a big budget, CGI effects and Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman does seem to have been born to play a Stepford Wife, though.

June 16th

The Terminal- Hey, it's Oscar Bait time! Tom Hanks stars in a Steven Spielberg film about a man who gets stranded in an airport terminal when his tiny Eastern European country falls apart due to a war (just go with it). This time with Catherine Zeta Jones taking the place of Wilson the volleyball. Expect lots of shots of Tom Hanks with tears in his eyes, lots of arty shots, and lots and lots of uplift.

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story- a Ben Stiller comedy about a dodgeball competition. Also starring Vince Vaugh, Ben's wife, but sadly, no Owen Wilson. You know, there was a time when the phrase "Ben Stiller comedy" made you excited. Now it just makes you say "another one?"

June 23

White Chicks- A comedy starring the Zeppo and Gummo of the Wayans Brothers, Shawn and Marion, about two black FBI agents who have to go undercover as two white women. Hilarity ensues when hip black people try and be unhip white people. I betcha we're going to get a scene where the hip black people playing unhip white people are going to try and act like hip black people. Except they are really hip because they're really black! It's comedy gold, Jerry, comedy Gold.

June 30

Spiderman 2- The sequel to "Spiderman," except hopefully without the post-9/11, "Don't Mess with New York" rah-rah that marred the first one. Everyone's back, but with Alfred Molina stepping in as the movie's Big Bad, Doc Ock. Believe it or not, Michael Chabon of "Kavalier & Clay" fame wrote the movie. Should make oodles and oodles of money and might even be good.

July 7

King Arthur- For all of you wishing that the legend of King Arthur would be turned into a Jerry Bruckheimer flick, here it is. Stars Clive Owen as the Once and Future King and Kiera Knightley as Guinevere. The hook to this flick is that it tries to tell the story of the "historic" Arthur and not the legendary Arthur. Which means it's the story of King Arthur, except without Merlin the Magician, the Lady in the Lake, and the Holy Grail. You know, all the cool stuff.

July 9-

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy- Comedy starring Will Ferrell as a pompous weatherman on a San Diego local TV news program during the 70's. Any movie that involves porn-stashes, polyester and Will Ferrell is good enough for me.

July 16-

I, Robot- Sci-Fi thriller based on a Isaac Asimov short story about killer robots. Because any movie could be made better with a big budget, CGI effects and Will Smith.

July 23

Bourne Supremacy- Sequel to the Matt Damon hit "Bourne Identity." Somebody said the first one was pretty good. Never saw it. Don't care.

Catwoman- Halle Berry, going to the Nic Cage route and capitalizing on an Oscar for Acting by doing nothing afterwards but dumb-ass big-budget movies, plays the comic-book hero Catwoman. The very same Catwoman once played by Michelle Pfieffer in another movie and Julie Newmar on the TV show. She had to put herself through a pretty explicit sex scene with Billy Bob Thorton to star in this? Interesting bit of info- it's directed by someone named Pitof. Just Pitof.

July 30

Manchurian Candidate- Remake of the classic John Frankenheimer Cold War thriller starring Denzel Washington. For people who thought the original would have been better with car chases and shoot-outs. Burn, Hollywood, Burn.

Thunderbirds- Live-action remake of the old TV show. You know, I used to watch this show as a kid. You know what was cool about it? It was all done using puppets. This movie? No puppets. Good thinking.

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle- From Yahoo Summer Movie Guide: "Two twenty-something stoner roommates spend a life-changing night roaming the state of New Jersey in search of White Castle hamburgers." Directed by the genius behind "Dude, Where's My Car?" I am ALL over this movie.

The Village- The new movie by M. Night Shymalan about a bunch of 19th-century townsfolk trapped in a village surrounded by monsters. Wonder if there's going to be a twist at the end.

August 6

Collateral- Tom Cruise continues his desperate chase of an Oscar by continuing his attempt to be edgy by playing a hitman trying to whack Jamie Foxx. We should be so lucky. Directed by Michael Mann, who also did "Ali" and "the Insider."

Shall We Dance?- Richard Gere and Ms. Jenny From the Block star in a remake of a hit Japanese 1996 movie about a businessman who rediscovers his passion for life when he takes dance lessons. Rumor has it the studio is furiously trying to re-cut it so that there's less J-Lo in the movie.

Open Water- This was the big movie at Sundance this year. It's a horror film being hyped as a cross between "the Blair Witch Project" and "Jaws" in that it was filmed with no special effects and real live sharks. You couldn't pay me enough money to have acted in this movie. No sireee.

August 13

Alien vs. Predator- Dear, God, no.