We're back….

Happy holidays everyone. As a Jew sitting around this time of year, watching all the Christmas festivities and goings on, all I can say is I don't know how you goyim can take it. All that stress, all that money being spent, all that shopping. I had to go to the mall to pick up a few things for moi and got stressed out in just the five or ten minutes I was there. And y' all actually look forward to this holiday?

And I'd like to say happy Kwanza to everyone. I guess it's day four or day five of it. Which just raises the question- just what the fuck is Kwanza and why should anyone care? The way I hear it, way back in the '60's some black intellectual activist types looked out at the state of the African-American community, saw the struggles of the Civil Rights movement- the poverty, the crime, the economic injustices, the rioting- and decided that the thing their fellow African-Americans really needed the most was a holiday. So they made up some holiday that's supposed to help fix all that, with the added brilliance of placing during the time of year when just about every other religion has some sort of holiday (way to make sure you don't get overlooked). And now, because we're all so multi-cultural and PC, you're starting to hear more and more about the holiday because people are so afraid of offending the sensibilities of the five or six people who actually care about Kwanza.

Oh wait...sorry... being too snarky for the holidays. Should be more in the holiday spirit……


Okay, in that vein, I'd like to present the First Annual Hooray For Anything Guide to the Big Hollywood Movies. As we all know, this time of year always sees the release of several major, big budget Hollywood movies. Everyone goes to the movies this time of year mainly because after two or three days with the family, everyone's run out of things to do and say and starting to realize what they hate about other members of the family, so everyone just goes to the movies to avoid talking to each other. And because it's been deemed that the Members of the Academy have short-term memory problems (too much LDS in the '60's, I guess), Hollywood always sees fit to release their big, serious, "we're sorry for all the crap we threw at you during the summer" movies. In other words, it's Oscar-bait time, that time of year when half of the movies are released in which it seems like the entire purpose of the movie is for someone to get an Oscar. You know, the kind of movie in which half of the cast is rehearsing their acceptance speech during the filming, the kind in which everyone describes as "uplifting" and the kind where somewhere during the movies' preview the narrator always says something like this movie "will make you believe in miracles" or "make you fall in love all over again" or some crap like that. In other words, totally manipulative, overly sentimal cheese that should be avoided at all costs.

With that in mind, we here at Hooray For Anything would like to help you through the mine-field of Xmas flicks and help you decide what to see.

Here we go-

Lord of the Rings- Duh. Like I even have to tell you to see it
(by the way, I've seen it- it flat out rocks. Furiously reading through the book so I can go see it again. And again).

The Majestic- Let's see, the director did such drivel as "The Shawshank Redemption" (which I've heard is actually pretty good and which I always tell myself to watch whenever TNT shows it like every weekend) and "The Green Mile," in every shot of Jim Carey during the previews he's all dewy eyed and sad looking, like he's gonna break down in tears at any second, the stories about it says that it's trying to be like a Capra flick and I'm pretty sure the preview for it had the narrator say something like "a story that will fill your heart." In other words, AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Christ, Carey's trying so hard for the Oscar, like he's doing all he can to make up for the fact that his first major hit featured him talking out of his ass. He seems to have aquired Robin Williams' agent. On a sidenote, I've heard interviews with Carey lately and he's been talking about trips to Tibet and discovering his spiritual self and how he wants to uplift the world through his movies or something like that. God help us all. Beware the comic actor suddenly wanting to get taken serious- it's ugly.

Ali- Yeah, big movie bios are usually catnip for the Members of the Academy and this should be no exception. And as much as the thought of Will Smith getting a nomination could be a sign of the Apocalypse, I hear he's pretty good. But Ali's a pretty amazing guy and it's a pretty amazing story so I'm down with it. And Michael Mann's a pretty good director, the kind not to get weighed down in sap so it shouldn't get too bad. Plus, it's a boxing movie and boxing movies are always much more fun than actual boxing matches. No endless moves around each other, no hugging for stall tactics, no ear biting. In the movies, it's just all punches, all the time (think about it, if there was an actual boxing match like the one's in the "Rocky" movies, do you think the boxers would still be alive afterwards?). And it's all done to great camera work and incredible music.

The Shipping News- Don't know much about it, but I think the book is an Oprah book. Or if it isn't, probably should have been cause it sounds like her kind of thing. In other words, nyet.

Vanilla Sky- Tom Cruise trying to be arty. Just ain't buying it.

Ocean's 11- The original wasn't really that good despite it's cast, but still fun just to watch Frank in all his Chairmen of the Board glory. This one also has a pretty good cast and a director whose at the top of his game. Could be fun.
(also saw this one. It's actually kind of better movie than the first, although nothing's as much fun as watching Frank swagger around. And they totally whimped out and went for a sappy ending).

A Beautiful Mind- Let's see. Ron Howard's never been nominated for an award, despite the fact he's done some pretty big (and not half bad movies) and this movie deals with someone being mentally/physically challenged. I think it's Academy rules that if a movie is about someone mentally or physically challenged and it's not half bad, it will get an automatic Oscar nomination. In other words, total Oscar-bait. This despite the fact the only really decent movie about the mentally/physically challenged was "There's Something About Mary." Plus, Jennifer Connelly's in it, but she doesn't get naked. So that's a thumb's down

Not Another Teen Movie- You know how in TV they always talk about counter-programming? Like how the other networks decide to run shows aimed at women opposite Monday Night Football? This is kind of like that, then- a dumb (probably really dumb) movie with absolutely no socially redeeming qualities in a season full of movies that reek of Socially Redeeming. So, even though the commercials probably show the only funny jokes and I thought "Scary Movie" was depressingly unfunny, I'm game. Plus, it's the only non-foreign movie I've seen in which the preview showed naked breasts, so you've got that going for you. Which is nice.

The Royal Tannenbaums- Okay, so I didn't think "Rushmore" was all that and I do not fall prostrate at site of Gwyneth, but this movie looks kind of funny and I've also heard some good things about it. Plus, it's got Ben Stiller, Bill Murray, and Owen Wilson in it- three actors who, to paraphrase that famous quote about Aretha Franklin, could recite the phone book and make it funny. Please, Ben, don't suddenly decide you really want to be taken seriously as an actor and try to win an Oscar.
(Seen this one too- it's pretty good. I even liked Gwyneth in it and the movie has an incredible soundtrack, including the best use of a Ramones song in a movie since "Rock n' Roll High School").

So, there you have it. Good viewing and remember to thank me for not wasting the ten bucks or so it costs to see a movie now.