Notes on a quicky trip to Montana-

-I got stuck in the Denver airport for five hours as my flight was delayed several hours due to snow. Long story, but suffice to say, I'm one of those lucky people who can now say they've spent about two hours on the tarmac waiting to take off.

-While all of this was going on, I noticed that pretty much the moment it started snowing in Denver and things were looking rather dicey, every United official disappeared. There was absolutely nobody with a United uniform to be seen anywhere. It's like the moment they realized the shit was about to hit the fan, they got a call from command central telling them to get the fuck out of there. Where they were, I have no idea (lounge room? bar? at home?) but it wasn't until flights started up again that you started seeing a few at gates.

-United has this new thing where for an extra $30, you can upgrade to "Economy Plus" and get an extra five inches of legroom. I cannot understate just what a great deal this is and just how nicer flying is with actual legroom. Highly recommended.

And now onto the fun stuff

On my way to Montana, I got my shaving cream and toothpaste confiscated. They were both normal size and, yes, I should know that technically neither are allowed, but I still thought it would be okay. I haven't had them confiscated on some flights I've been on and they are toothpaste and shaving cream. Ålso, I'm testing them in a little way, seeing if the people behind the scanner also realize how idiotic all of this is and let it slide because it's only a fucking thing of shaving cream and toothpaste (in reading about security rules, several people point out that all security does when confiscating something is put them in a giant basket, meaning that if one of those things were a bomb, there's not a damn thing done to make sure that bomb goes off)..

As a result, I had to buy those little traveling kits, making me think that most security rules are merely done as a result of the lobbying from airport confectionaries

On my way back out of Billings, security stopped my bag while going through the x-ray machine, met for a few minutes, and then my bag was taken off to be searched. They went through everything to see what the offending item was and pulled out my traveling bag to examine what was in it, mainly the regulation size toothpaste and shaving cream. Upon discovering this, the security person told me that this was an issue because I needed to put this into a plastic bag. So I said that, no, it's not in a plastic bag but that it's in a bag, albeit a black traveling bag. I was then told I needed to put it into a plastic bag anyways and so I argued that not only is it in a bag, but the items in it are all regulation. I was then told again that it doesn't matter because it needs to be put into a plastic bag to which I once again argued that it's in a bag and that it's all small enough to be allowed by security. Once again, I was told that this was all a security problem because they are not put into a plastic bag. Finally, after the third or fourth go round, the security person actually grabbed a plastic bag and put my shaving cream and toothpaste into a plastic bag, put it into my carry on luggage, and let me go, secure in knowing that I could possibly not commit any sort of heinous Al Qeda like hijacking because my tiny case of shaving cream and toothpaste were in a plastic bag.

For a few seconds, I thought it was finally going to be who leads the revolution, the "this is all retarded" revolution, the one that finally frees us plane travelers from the yoke of ridiculous security measures dreamed up by a bunch of mindless bureaucrats and chicken-shit politicians to pacify a largely ignorant mass who doesn't care what ridiculous security measures are implemented just as long as some official tells them that it'll keep everyone safe and secure from the one in a billion chance that some middle-eastern dude will hijack their plane and try and fly it into a large skyscraper. Someday, somebody is going to start the revolution it and maybe it'll be me.

Or maybe not.

The scary thing is that there's a good chance these measures will be the norm for now and forever on. Everybody (well most people who know what's going on) knows these measures are bullshit but what chances are there that somebody will have enough guts to say "you know, this whole shoe thing is ridiculous. From now on, you can leave your shoes on?" If you say almost zero or no way in hell, you're probably right because if they did, there's enough jackasses (who all know better) who'll scream and shout and the vast array of masses will start screaming about how they'll no longer feel safe.

But what happens next? What happens if some terrorist tries to blow something up using a hairbrush? Does that mean hairbrushes will be banned? Or, god forbid, an iPod. Will they be banned too and if so, will that finally be the moment people say "fuck this?"

But then, on one of my flights, I was thinking: you know how before you take off, they run through all those things that airplanes come equipped with in case of an accident? You know, like life preservers and rafts and what not? Are all of those things really necessary? For the life of me, I can't actually remember an incident in which an airliner went down in some ocean and everybody survived by grabbing their seat to stay afloat and hop onto one of those life rafts they always tell you about. On my flight from Billings to Denver, the flight attendants told several people with babies who were sitting on their laps that in case there was a "water landing," they have extra life preservers for the babies. This for a flight between Montana and Colorado, two places in which the chances of having a "water landing" is nearly impossible.

But you know what? I feel safer knowing that if, God forbid, the plane lands over the Pacific Ocean or someplace, I'll be able to use my seat as a life preserver and be able to survive on a raft. Even though I know this is pretty ridiculous.

So maybe just as all that bullshit about floating seats and slides makes me feel better about flying, all that stuff about taking off shoes makes other people feel safe and isn't that what it's all about?

Still, those security measures are fucking bullshit.