We're broadcasting tonight from, eh, Baltimore. That about describes the place.

Here's some random notes from last night's Oscar telecast....

-What happened to Jennifer Connelly's breasts? Her breasts used to be a work of arc, a modern marvel, but last night they seemed to have disapeared. Is it cause she's looking like she's been doing the Ally McBeal diet lately? Is it because now that she's a serious actress, she has to lose them? Has she been using the Britney Spears Method of Breast-Size Adjustment? And now that she won an Oscar, I guess we won't be seeing her taking it up the ass with a double sided dildo anymore.

-Wouldn't it of been great if John Nash would of been allowed to give a speech when "A Beautiful Mind" won so he could of thanked the evil Jew Bastard who wrote the script for the movie?

-Loved it when they cut to Russell Crowe after they had announced that Denzel had won and Russell only started clapping when he realized that the cameras were on him.

-Next year, they should just give the whole Oscars to Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson. They were easily the best part of the Oscar's. They could remake "Schindler's List" and turn it into a laugh riot.

-Wonder what David Lynch was thinking when he lost out to Richie Cunningham for best picture. I mean, here's a guy who does brilliant, original, extremely fucked-up films and he keeps losing to completely unoriginal hack directors. I wouldn't be suprised if in his next flick, Lynch has a scene where a balding, red-headed adult child-star gets brutally murdered by a dancing dwarf.

-What the hell was Gwyneth thinking?

-Whoopi Goldberg annoys me for a lot of reasons. During the Oscars, she always annoyce me that much more because she spends most of the night making wanna be hip black jokes to an audience that's about 80% white and a viewing audience that's probably about 75% white. Either she thinks it's the biggest joke in the world, like the mostly black wedding band that played at my cousin's wedding and led the extremely white & Jewish crowd through a version of "Play that Funky Music White Boy," or it's just shtick.

-Does Judi Dench, Helen Mirren and Kate Winslet have to be nominated every year? If Judi Dench showed up in "Blade II" I'd bet she'd still get nominated.

-So Randy Newman finally won after 16 nominations. His tux was kind of lame, which made me wonder if after all these years, he's just given up on the idea of winning and just picks up whatever's around. Wonder if he even has a speech prepared anymore.

-Which brings up the whole "best song" category. What the fuck's up with that? Has any song that's even been nominated actually been a hit or listened to by more than five people? Did you even know that there was a single from "Lord of the Rings?" And I love the modern pop song from a movie about Pearl Harbor. Real authentic. Any one ever hear of these songs? I mean, have you ever seen someone go on TRL Live and say something like "I wanna hear that Enya song from Lord of the Rings because that movie rocked and I just wanna say hi to all my dawgs in the Bronx, whooo!!!!!!!!"

-And if I sent Sting $50 bucks, will he perform in my apartment? I'm sure Elton would do it for $100.

-As for Halle Berry's speech, whatever. As I heard someone say on tv, her winning the Oscar doesn't exactly rank up there with Rosa Parks and the "I Have a Dream Speech" in terms of the fight for racial equality. I don't, however, think that a lot of the members of the academy have seen "It's all About the Benjamins".

-And finally, I watched the show on the East Coast (here's a little shout-out to James and Chris for hosting me) instead of in SF. It's a whole other experience watching it on the East Coast because it's over at like 1. In SF, it's over early enough that you'll actually get to bed at a reasonable hour. In the East Coast, it'll never happen. I actually remember when I lived in the East Coast, I never actually made it to the end of the Oscars.

Have to say that this year's show was kind of boring because although I loved "Lord of the Rings" I knew it wouldn't win and wasn't that fired up about it It wasn't like the Oscar's in '94 when you had to watch because just out of the hope that "Pulp Fiction" would vanquish "Forrest Gump" because it really was a battle between the forces of good vs. the forces of evil. Alas, the forces of evil truimphed and "Forrest Gump" won. And is there anyone around who thinks "The English Patient" is a better movie than "Fargo?"