With elections coming up, we here at Hoorayforanything.com have decided to do our patriotic duty and help you, the voter, figure out who and what to vote for. Because voting is the cornerstone of democracy and because we are the leading, most butt-kicking democracy in the history of the world, it behooves us all to get out and vote.

So, with that in mind, here is the Hoorayforanything.com Election Guide. Otherwise known as Maybe There Sometimes is a Damn Good Reason Why Nobody Votes. And for all you non-Californians out there, it's still pretty gosh darn funny (we hope). And relevant.


Here's the California Stuff:

Governor- I'm a Democrat and Gov. Davis is running unopposed. Nothing to vote for here. And as a Democrat, I can't really say I'm that thrilled to have to vote for Davis anyways.

Lt. Governor- Don't really know what they do, although I kind of think they're supposed to be like the Vice-President in that they fill in for the Governor if they, say, die or win the Presidency (I wonder then, if our current Lt. Governor is holed up with Dick Cheney somewhere). Actually, I remember they do have some importance in that once, when that evil Gov. Pete Wilson was out trying to run for President, the Democratic Lt. Governor (I think it was actually Davis) went around passing all these bills that Wilson had opposed. Which was pretty darn funny. Other than that, I don't really know what they do. So, we'll go with the Democrat here.

Attorney General- I think they're like the state equivalent of John Ashcroft, so we'll go with the Dem. here too. Have no idea who the guy running is, though. Still gotta vote for the Democrat.

Secretary of State- I know the Secretary of the State, on the national level, is the guy whose the leading Diplomat and represents us overseas. Is this what the California Secretary of State does? I know Berkeley and SF oftentimes decides to have a foreign policy, but does the state? Have no idea know what the Secretary of State does. As I look through the Voter Guide, I'm kind of thinking that a lot of government is like a lot of corporations or clubs, where they have tons of Vice-President's because that way everyone has a title. I think Secretary of State is that kind of position, a political title to give someone so he could put it on his resume when they run for Governor.

Treasurer- I think they're in charge of money and the budget. That's kind of important. Have no idea what a Democratic Treasurer would do over a Republican Treasurer, though. Just as long as they don't hire anyone from Anderson Accountaning, I'm fine with whomever. Besides, it's not like they set the budget or anything like that. I think it's kind of like being "Secretary of State" in that it's just another made up position so someone could put something on their resume.

Controller- What is the difference between a Controller and Treasurer? Don't know about this one either. You know, with these types of money-related positions, instead of running campaigns, maybe they should have all the candidates take a math test. Like have them sit down for a couple of hours and answer some word problems and accounting questions. That's probably the best way of choosing who to vote for. They could televise it too. Maybe play it up like the Olympics with all the drama and personal stories about how each candidate survived some sort of personal tragedy. That'll be a good way people could actually find out what the hell a Controller does too. Or, I know, just to liven things up, we can have it like that show "The Chair" and as each candidate tries to answer an accounting question, they throw all these flames at him in an attempt to rattle them.

Insurance Commissioner- Have no idea what these guys do either. Don't care. I wonder, though, whether Stephen/Lindsay are gonna be kicked off the RW/RR Challenge or will it be Miami Mike and Flora? I feel kind of bad for Stephen cause nobody seems to like him, but Miami Mike's a pretty funny guy. I wonder when he'll finally spill the beans about what happened in the shower with that ho waitress and Melissa. Melissa was definately the hottest women they've had on the Real World. A bit of a bitch, but still pretty fucking hot. Kari from this season, though, is definately my Real World girlfriend.

Superintendant of Public Instruction- The who of the what what? Is this the person in charge of Public Education? If so, that's kind of important. Whose running? The only guy I know of I know of because he runs all those commercials. Apparently he's for smaller classes and better education for kids. Makes sense to me.

Board of Equalization, District 1 - Have no fucking idea what they do either.

State Props- I fucking hate State Propositions. I think there one of main reasons why nobody votes anymore. There's way too many of them and none of them make any sense. Every year, the Voter's Guide is the same size as the yellow pages because of these suckers and about as exciting to read. And most of them are either created by a bunch of reactionary rednecks (see Prop. 187) or Big Business corporations that pretend they're not Big Business corporations only to pass legislation that benefits them.

Prop 40- Creates a bond that gives money to protect the environment. Sure. I'm always down with money to help the environment. Don't get the bond things, though. Every year, we vote on one or two bond issues and from what I understand, some bond is issued and viola, some thing gets tons more money. And it doesn't really cost us anything. If that's the case, I wonder, why don't we just issue a bond for everything. Don't collect taxes or anything, just finance everything with bonds. That way we'll have more money for the homeless, or for feeding the poor, or so I could afford Showtime as well as HBO and Cinemax.

Prop 41- Provides $200 million to update voting equipment. We have to vote on this? Duh. Don't we elect people to vote on things like this so we don't have to bothered with it? Isnt' that the point of a representative government? And can we trust the result since we don't have the updated voting equipment yet? Imagine the irony if the vote comes down to a few thousand votes and it all comes down to a bunch of hanging chads and a bunch of old folks in Palm Springs who accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan. That would be kind of funny.

Prop 42- Something to do with sales tax and transportation money. This sounds important and there's all of these commercials on the t.v making it seem like a no brainer. Which makes me think that there's got to be something more to it. And both the Chron and Bay Guardian say vote no. So there you go.

Prop 43- Requires every vote in an election to be counted. Again, do we have to actually vote on this? I do have a life, you know. I wonder who would vote against it? Is there somebody out there whose thinking "you know, I don't want every vote to count, I only want a few." Come to think of it, there's a whole bunch of people whose vote I don't want to count. Like people who are into the WWF. Or people who move into those John Kincaid style homes. Or people who still wear mullets. You know, this country would be a whole lot better if a lot of people didn't vote. So, put me down for a no.

Prop 44- Subjects Chiropractors to basic codes of professional conduct. And this is up for voting because……..

Prop 45- Pretty much pulls back term limit laws that were voted in during a previous election. Which is typical of a lot of propositions in that half of them are really just votes against previous propositions that won because somebody didn't like the result. Like Group A loses Proposition 666, so they regroup a few years, come up with some spiffy name like "the Committee That Loves Cute Puppies" and puts a Proposition on the ballot that nullifies Proposition 666. And it goes on and on and on and nothing every gets done. And it's why I don't sign petitions to get things on the ballot anymore. Think about it, all those people at Safeway are just doing it because they get paid by signature and most people just sign whatever gets put in front of them just to get the person to go away. And that's how we get things to vote for. Term limits are a really stupid idea anyways. If we didn't have them, we wouldn't have Willie Brown as our Mayor.


San Francisco Election-

Public Defender- The big one. This is the one everyone here is talking about, like the fate of the world depends on who wins this election. There seems to be four camps out there: there's people who'll vote against Kimiko Burton because she's John Burton's daughter, the people who'll vote for her because she's John Burton's daughter, the people who don't care who she is and tries to figure out who the better candidate is, and the people who couldn't care less. Let's put it this way. Both are decent lawyers and both would do a good job. It's not like either Burton or Adachi are either Johnny Cochrane nor are they like Nedra Ruiz, the attorney whose defending the Dog Mauling couple. And voting against someone because of their name is as stupid as voting for her because of her name. So, either way, whatever.

State Assembly- Another big one. The contest seems to be between someone who is very liberal vs. someone whose very, very liberal. It says a lot about SF that the Progressive's in the city think that Leno, the very liberal candidate, is a mushy liberal with unfortunate moderate tendencies, yet he's the one who tried to pass the bill allowing transexual city workers to get a sex change operation. Britt is favored by the Bay Guardian crowd because he's supposed to be more of a pure liberal, albeit one who also had a problem showing up for Board meetings when he was on the Board of Supervisors. Again, whoever wins, so what. They're both liberal, they're both Democrats- one's just a bit more liberal than the other. It's not like we're talking, say, Ted Kennedy vs. John Ashcroft for King of the World with this election.

Assessor- No idea what they do. I think they do something related to taxes. Again, does it really matter who wins? I mean, as long as they know what they're doing, they'll be fine. I couldn't do it, but then again, I'm not running for the position. Actually, I probably could do it a superfast computer and an Excel spreadsheet.

Democratic Central Committee- What the fucky do they do and why should we vote for them? This sounds kind of like the Soviet Union where people voted not for an actual government, but the party members who represented them. Who cares.

Superior Court, Seat Three & Superior Court Seat Ten- I know judicialships are really important, but you know, I'm unemployed and need to find a job. I might need surgery on my back and have to figure out how pay the rent this month. Plus, March Madness is about to begin and I have to work on my tourney picks. Like I have the time to read through which judge is which and who they are. Isn't the Judicial Branch supposed to be nominated by people in office anyways?

SF Ballot Measures-

Oh, who cares. This is usually the part of the election where I start voting based on patterns in the punch card. Like when I took the S.A.T's. You know, I'll go with all "no's" or kind of do some kind of cool, geometric pattern. I've even flipped a coin a couple of times at this part of the voting process, because I've been in the booth for about ten minutes and want to get the fuck out of there.

And that's why nobody really votes anymore.