Had an MRI done on my achey lower back yesterday. Went to the wrong hospital to start the day, but that's another story. When I got there, the guy who was in charge of the operation reminded me exactly like the Comic Book Store Guy in "the Simpsons," complete with goatee and beer belly. I half expected him to take a look at the MRI of my back and proclaim "Worst. Back. Ever."

When I was finished filling out the forms, I was taken to kind of a trailer in the parking lot by the hospital. To get into the trailer, they had to use an electric riser to get me up to the level of the door (your HMO money at work). The lady who runs it then takes me into the room and makes me lie down. From there, they put me into this long tube where they're supposed to zap me with whatever they use to zap people with during MRI's.

I'm not usually claustrophibic, but something about being shoved into a tiny, narrow tube kind of did it for me. They told me the whole thing was gonna last for about half an hour and I wished I could of brought a book or something. Since that wouldn't of worked due to the close confines of the tube, maybe they should install some sort of tv screen to the top of the tube so you could at least watch something.

The MRI, from my vantage point, is basically a long series of loud noises that gets blasted right into your ears. I have no idea exactly what the hell the point of the loud noises are and what the hell they have to do with looking at my back, but the noises are pretty loud. I kind of think it doesn't do anything, but it's just the ladies who run it way of having fun. You know, let's give him four minutes of the noise that sounds like a duck squawking and then follow that up with the jackhammer sound. Actually, most of it kind of sounds like those fake, plastic laser guns I used to play with as kids and could see them sitting there, playing video games all the while I was lying there. As the MRI wore on and as I got blasted by more and more sounds, I started to think about the scene in Monty Python's "Meaning of Life," the one in the hospital with the machine that goes bing. This machine doesn't just go bing, it goes whirrr and grrr and ack-ack-ack, all at top volume. Because of all the noises, you just know the machines are pretty darn expensive.