Back to the Future

Today I started the process of doing something I had long feared-- dealing with temp agencies. Remember the scene in "Empire Strikes Back" where Yoda sends Luke into that tree to face his darkest fears? I just went into the tree.

I went to a place where I was signed up years ago, a place that actually did me right and got me one of those golden temp jobs-- not too bad and long-term (it was doing data entry for months at a time). As much as I hate temping, it's worked out somewhat reasonably well in that I'm still here so had somewhat high hopes-- I still have mad-typing skills and I boned up Excel and Word before I went in. But this, however, is a different time and a different place than when I last temped and things are different now. The office that I went to was bigger than I remembered, but it was also kind of run down looking. Even more noticeable was that the large office was primarily empty, with tables everywhere and absolutely nobody working at the tables-- there weren't even computers at the table. When I walked in, I didn't see anyone who looked at all like a recruiter and didn't even see the receptionist. The waiting room, or whatever it is they called it, was full however. It looked like a doctor's office in there. Finally the receptionist/recruiter assistant came running in to check me in, or at least acknowledge my presence, and told me to go wait with everybody else. For the next few hours as I sat in the room-- waiting and filling out forms and a whole host of other fun things-- I saw her run around at light speed, answering phones, handing out forms, setting up people's computer accounts. For the longest time, I wasn't sure if there was anybody else in the office.

Unfortunately, the company was supposed to send out an automatic email with the forms you were supposed to fill out, but the email never got sent out so everybody who was in there had to go to the computer and fill it out themselves. Thus, I guess, part of the reason why there was a wait. While I was waiting to get started, I also noticed a few other people just sitting there waiting for the receptionist to come by and give them instructions (one guy even sat there and did nothing but check his blackberry) but she was too busy to handle everyone.

Finally, it was my turn and was set up at the obviously ancient computer to enter in my information. I stumbled right out of the gate in that I was asked why I was there, what kind of job I was looking for, and what skills I have that would make me a great candidate for a position. Somehow, I don't think the answer of "I just need a fucking job right now" as well as the listed skill set of "not an idiot" was what they were looking for. So I filled it out, question by question by question. Once that was done, I was given about twenty pages of forms I had to sign asking me to agree to all sorts of things that I've never had to agree to (credit reports?) and when I filled out all that stuff and was able to hand it into the receptionist (she was busy handling several people who had just basically walked in from the street with a resume in hand) and up came my next, very important step-- the instructional safety video.

I was set up at one of the computers, given head phones and the receptionist hit a couple of buttons so I could watch the video. For twenty minutes, I sat there, being instructed to not do things like stick a knife into a busted photocopier machine but to make sure I hold onto a hand rail when I walk down the steps. If I had to add it up in my head, I have now seen something like this video at least ten times, although some of them were shown somewhere for the express purpose of having people laugh at them.

After the twenty minute video, I was given a test-- yes, a test-- to see how much of the safety information I had absorbed. I had about twenty questions about stuff like how I should pick boxes up or whether or not I should leave a file cabinet open. The test was multiple choice too so I'd have to choose from four different answers and select the best one. For example, here's the one for what you should do to make sure you don't fall down the stairs:

1)Wear comfortable shoes and hold onto the guardrail
2)Carry boxes down the stairs that impede your visibility
3)Step in every wet spot seen on the stairs
4)Jump down several steps at a time.

And this one-- what to do in case of a paper jam at the photocopying/printer machine:

1)Tell your immediate supervisor to let them know what the problem is
2)Walk away and forget about it
3)Grab a knife or letter opener and shove it into the printer to see if you can fix the problem
4)Use another photocopier

This is actually a difficult question because as anybody who's worked in an office knows, if the photocopier/printer machine breaks, the first thing anybody ever does is go to another one. Of course, you're supposed to tell somebody but if you told somebody, you'd be known as the idiot who busted the printer. Also, why tell somebody something when you can just go down the hall?

Anyways, you'll be glad to know I got 19 out of 20 questions right.

Finally, about two hours after I got to the agency, I finally met up with a recruiter. I guess a recruiter actually did work there. Now, the agency is known for sending out admin people. Admin type jobs are, well, not the most difficult in the world but apparently you still need to have something on your resume that shows you can do admin jobs. So, the fact that I'm 40 and have close to twenty years of professional experience does nothing to prove the fact that I can answer the phone. Nor does it prove I can do filing or basic accounting. The recruiter and I kept on going around and around the fact that I claimed to be able to do something (ie answer phones) yet did not have it listed on my resume as I just automatically assumed "having some sort of desk job" would imply that I was, at one point, able to handle the phone. For some reason, the argument "Jesus, lady, I'm 40. I think I can fucking do admin work. My cat can do admin work" doesn't quite cut it. The end result to all of this is that I have to redo my resume to make it look more admin-y and less non-remedial like. In other words, stretch things out a whole bunch. Like the fact that I punched the numbers into a phone to set up a conference call is now going to be featured prominently on my resume, much more than running an online store or being an editor of a blog.

With that being done, I was asked for a list of references for them to call to check up on me. And not just check up on me-- typically all people can ask is if I really worked there when I said-- but to ask them all sorts of things about me. They even wanted to call my previous supervisors at my contract gigs, something I'm not sure they're allowed to do and something I'm not sure I want them to do for various reasons, not the least of which is everyone is way too fucking busy to tell somebody at a temp agency that I'm not a fuck up. And they want more people to call than just every boss and coworker I've had over the past four years. They even want to call a friend. Again, all this for an admin job. All told, they're going to do more background checks on me than places that actually wanted to hire me.

During the interview, I stalled. I'm not quite sure I want them to call everyone I worked with because I'm not sure I want it broadcast out to the people who I've worked with, hired me, or wanted to hire me that I'm now laid low enough to ask them for references for temp work. I know...recession....depression...what have you...I just don't know if I'm feeling desperate enough to go through all of that just yet.