Had myself worked into a full rant again, but got somewhat mellowed out by the brilliance of tonight's "Family Guy." It was kind of a cross between Willie Wonka meets Sam Adams with a little bit of "Shine" in for good measure. Fucking hilarious.

Anyways…..

It's now two days since I got that phone call from that company at 8 in the evening. Still haven't heard back from them. I've called them a bunch of times but keep on getting the ladies voice mail. Left a message yesterday. Left one today. Still nothing.

All I can say is this: what the fuck?

Look, I'm sorry I didn't answer the phone at 8:09 in the evening. But still, what the fuck? Why do I feel like the lady's playing a Lucy with the football? It's like all thes companies I've been dealing with are playing a practical joke on people- "hey, you know everyone's unemployed and desperate so let's call them when they're probably not home and pretend we want to talk to them. Then when they get all excited because we responded to their resume and call us back, we won't call them back. Come on, it'll be a hoot!"

Look, if you're gonna call someone about a job, then you should at least be polite enough to call them back or at least e-mail them something in case something comes up. To leave a message, one given at 8 at night, and then not call the person back is just fucking lame. It's like with the economy so tight, companies know they can just treat anyone like shit and it won't matter because those of us who are unemployed are so desperate we'll pretty much bend over and take it. What else can we do?

Even worse, because they called when they did, I took the advice of a friend and decided that I pretty much should answer the phone everytime it rings. You never know. Even if I'm in the middle of eating. Even if I'm still lying in bed, half asleep and hungover. Even if "Buffy" is on. So now I'm answering the phone all the time, pretty much forced to answer the phone when telemarketers call to bug me. Or to pick up the phone when my mom calls.

Oh, had another job interview today. Pretty cool job too, even if it was for a contract position that'll last only a couple of months or so. When I got there, I saw the people who were to interview me walking out with another candidate. I hate when that happens. I know that whenever you get called for an interview you're never the only person they've called. I know I'm never the only person they want to talk to. Still, I don't want to see those other people. It's like when you're just casually dating someone and you know they're dating other people too and you happen to run into them and the other person. It's just something you don't really want to faced into knowing.

I remember once I had this interview where this guy who was doing them was pretty much running his interviews in an assembly-line fashion. Every half an hour, someone else would come in for an interview after half an hour, the next person was up. When I arrived for the interview, I saw the guy talking to another candidate and saw that them laughing away as if they're old buddies. Real confidence booster. And the whole time during my interview, I kept on thinking to myself "how come he's not laughing like that with me. I'm so screwed."

Then, right in the middle of an interview, sometime after my "this is my whole working career in fifteen minutes or less" schpiel, one of the people I was interviewing with glanced down at my resume, noticed out loud that I was an English major and asked me who my favorite author was. Something that completely threw me for a loop. Besides the fact I don't really have one or that I haven't had to think about it since, well, since college, it was just so out of nowhere that I got completely thrown. And as I was trying to figure that one out, I kept on thinking to myself whether it was a trick question or not. Like if I'd say something like "F. Scott Fitzgerald" the person I'm interviewing with would sit there and think something like "he likes F. Scott Fitzgerald? God, Fitzgerald's such a pompous twat. I can't hire somebody who likes Fitzgerald."

Could happen. After all, I didn't get a call back because I decided to watch "Buffy" instead of answering the phone.

One more thing about the "State of the Union" speech. Again, not like I actually watched it or anything. Anyways, every year, the President is supposed to declare what the state of the union is. It's actually in our Constitution, that the President is supposed to give an address every year to the nation letting us know how we're doing. And now it's become such political theater that it always happens.

But every year, no matter what, the President always stands up there and says "the state of the Union is strong." This is despite whatever the hell is going on in the country. I'm pretty sure Nixon gave a speech in Jan. of '69 and said the state of the union was strong despite the fact that in '68 everyone was either protesting, rioting, or getting shot. And I'm sure Bush I said the same thing way back in '91 or '92 back when when there was a recession on and LA was rioting over Rodney King and the Clarence Thomas hearings had been held and so the basic state of the union was that everyone was just kind of surly and pissed off. President's have to say that, though. They have to say that the union is strong because if they didn't, it would be bad for the nation. Not to mention political suicide.

But just once- once- I'd like to see a President get up there and call it like it is. I'd so want to see someone get up there and say something like "the state of the union is....eh. Could be better, could be worse." Or "the state of the union is ....alright."

Which brings up another thing I'd love to see, but probably never see. You know how whenever an athelete or celebrity wins something and they always thank either Jesus or God? As if Jesus or God were personally responsible for them winning the AFC Championship game or a Grammy when we all know (or hope) that they're probably a little bit more worried about things like, oh, war, famine, plague. Not to mention the spread.

So, just one day, I think it would be great if some athelete (which would never happen) or at least a musician (possible) go up there and say something like "Yeah, I'd like to thank Satan. I don't think this would be possible if it weren't for the Dark Lord's help. You know, I wanted this so much that I sacrificed a couple of goats last night and it looks like it did, so thank you Satan, thank you Beezelbub."

Man, that would be funny.

Even though I didn't watch the big "State of Union" speech last night (puh-lease), I did hear that Bush named Iran, Iraq, and North Korea as our biggest enemies. Trying to rally the nation, he called them the "Axis of Evil." What a dumb-ass name. It's not just that it's not in the slightest bit subtle, it's just that it's, well, so uncreative. I mean, it's like the name of bad guys in a really bad sci-fi or fantasy movie, the kind of movie where the writer were so uncreative that he couldn't come up with a good name for the bad guys. It's like those movies where the bad guys are called "the Forces of Darkness" or "the Brotherhood of Evil" or even "the Empire."

I mean, if you're gonna rally a nation for some big, huge epic type conflict against some Big Bads, you at least should makes sure that the bad names have a bad, evil sounding name. Just look at WWII. Part of it's epicness is that we fought people called the Nazis. Nazi- that just sounds evil. Nothing called Nazi could possibly be all sweetness and light. There's no way Nazi could be used as a name for, say, a really cute puppy or brand of ice cream.

That's why Bush should of given them a cooler sounding name, like Legion of Doom. Now that's a cool sounding, evil guy name. Maybe the coolest ever. Or hell, maybe even the Trio of Terrorism. Just something that stirs the soul a bit more than "Axis of Evil."

In a way, that's why fighting terrorists are so much easier. They all have evil sounding names. Like Al-Queda. Or Hamas. Even the KGB. All those names sound threatening. It's easy to say "let's go kick some Al-Queda booty" or "watch out for the KGB!" There's not nearly the same effect with "let's go kick some Axis of Evil booty" or "watch out for the Axis of Evil!" It doesn't even work it's way into a cool acronym, which is what all evil organizations should work as. Like the KGB. Or SMERSH (the bad guy organization in all the James Bond flicks. We just got AE or even the AoE. Ooooh, we gotta go fight the AoE. the AoE are on the watching you.

Yawn.

Got a phone call last night around 8 or so. Didn't answer it, of course, because "Buffy" was on and I don't answer the phone when the Buffster's on.

Turns out it was from someone calling about a resume I sent out. Which is kind of weird, it being 8 when they called. Didn't call back until this morning because, well, Buffy ended at 9 and I wasn't gonna call until it was over and besides, they can't expect me to get a message at night and return it that evening. And what the hell were they doing calling at 8 anyways?

So I called this morning when I woke up. Haven't heard back from them yet. Which, of course, is making me nervous. In light of previous experiences this go round (see previous blog postings) and in light of other previous experiences, I'm scared to death (well, not to death, but let's just call it exagerating for effect) that I somehow blew it by not answering the phone. That my window has passed or that it was some sort of pop-phone interview and I blew it by not answering the phone to watch "Buffy."

Could happen. I once got a pop-phone interview sunday morning at like 11. When they called, the person asked me if I wanted to talk now or later. Being innocent and naive (not to mention being sopping wet cause I just came out of the shower), I said it would be better if he called me later that day. So we made an appointment for him to call later in the day and thought it would be fine. So, I rushed home from the bar I was at with friends (not drinking anything because I knew I had the phone call coming) and waited by the phone for like an hour before realizing they weren't gonna call me back. Guess not wanting to do a phone interview while wearing a towel and sopping wet was reason enough not to hire me.

And it's why I'm so paranoid about them not calling me back. Did I say something wrong when I left the message? Did they suddenly hire someone else in the twelve hours between my calling them back? Did they find something wrong with my resume this morning? Were they just calling a bunch of people and whoever answered the phone are the one's they're bringing in?

And the thing is is that I can't really pester them now to set up an interview because I've already called once and to call a couple more times makes me seem desperate. And if they already decided not to call me back, it's just already to late and I'm just wasting my time.

Why, oh why, won't they call me back.

Oh man, what's up with this blow-job of an article about Bill Gates on the cover of Newsweek "They've Given Away $24 Billion. Here's Why." Why? Who cares? He's got more money than God, that's why. $24 billion is probably just what he found underneath his sofa cushions. Could it be because Steve Jobs got that blow-job of an article in Time Magazine? Or because he just got sued by AOL and he has to crank up the PR machine again? Remember how all those articles came out talking about what a swell guy he was after he came off looking like an evil twit during the anti-trust hearings?

Strangely, when I tried to get the url for the article, the Newsweek Web site goes directly to MSNBC. A site which is jointly run by NBC and MicroSoft. And which has a deal with Newsweek. Say, you wouldn't think that had anything to do with that, do you?

I'm so glad I just got my meds from the pharmacy.....

Umm sorry. I was so busy studying up for my Road Rules/Real World Challenge of the Seasons Fantasy Team that I forgot to post. I know we're all supposed to be getting back to normal, but do we really have to go that far?

As for my nominee for the "Bay Guardian Bonehead Column of the Week" I was once again gonna go with the cover story, the big story about our society being awash with cuteness. Often's the time I'm downloading bestiality porn from my computer and listening to Slipknot that I find myself saying "gosh, there's too much cuteness in this world." I'm not gonna do it, however, because over the weekend I saw some girl at a bar wearing the equivalent of a stuffed animal as a hat. That's just too annoying. So, I'm gonna let it slide, despite the claim of the author that if it weren't for Hello Kitty, we'd be a much more progressive society and would never let W. declare war on a bunch of people who attacked us.

So, instead, I'm gonna go with a small music column by Lynn Rapoport for her ultraly p.c. criticism of Spin's "Top 50 Greatest Bands of All Time" list. The problem, she writes, is that there's only five women represented on the list. Which is 10% of the bands, and isn't bad and pretty fair considering that most bands are made up of men (sorry, but it's true). But, of course, it's wrong to have a list made up predominately male musicians because women rock too (they do- go see the Donnas if you don't believe me) and so therefore, the list is sexist and only exists at is because Spin's audience is mainly male. Besides it being a ridiculous and pc knee jerk article, the article completely misses the obvious fault of the list, that being the Stones only the 9th best band of all-time and the Who being only 48th (I think it's 48- it's something ridiculously low). There's no fucking way Kraftwerk is better than the Who. We're talking about the band that was at one point the loudest fucking band in history. We're talking about the first band to ever smash their instruments. We're talking about a band that used feedback during their solos. No German techno-band could ever, ever, ever in a millione years even imagining rocking like that.

That's the outrage.

Don't know what to make of this whole controversary of the treatment of the Taliban prisoners. I just hear there's a controversary but don't hear much in the way of exactly what we're doing wrong. From what I hear, it doesn't sound like we're setting them up in a bunch of Motel 6's and there stay in Cuba isn't exactly like "Temptation Island," but, you know, they are a bunch of people who've sworn their lives to killing Americans. Plus, they were all living in caves, barely eating anything and now at least they're probably eating better.

But as usual, it's not exactly what we're doing it's the reactions of other countries that gets me. Like the British. They do have a point in that we're treating our Taliban guy differently than their Taliban guy and hopefully, that'll get taken care of. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure the British weren't exactly dainty and humanitarians when it came to the Northern Irish. And today I read that the leader of Malaysia issued a formal protest. Malaysia is a borderline democracy whose leader had his political rival arrested and imprisoned on trumped up charges of "sodomy" (ie homosexuality). In other words, the Malaysian Prime Minister can go fuck off.

I think that's why being in politics would be so hard, because you can't say stuff like that, even though they're all probably saying it in private. Wouldn't it be great, though, if someone official did say something like when asked about the Malaysian protest?

Day 5 since I first sent an e-mail to the beeyatch who I interviewed with. Still no word. I did manage to get through to her on the phone once, but it was only because she was in the middle of an interview and thought I was someone else. Told me she would call me back when she had time. Still waiting.

Taking a break from it because a friend suggested they still might not of made up their mind and I might harass myself out of the job. And I think I might be heading into obsessing about it.

I think I'll start pestering her again on monday.

Today's topic is more about the "Real World." Not that I want to spend endless amounts of time writing about such a worthless topic as the "Real World," but something happened in this week's episode which just completely baffles me.

Basically, Cara, the Sarah Jessica Parker wanna-be Jewish one (which, of course, makes her character that much more interesting to me) ho'ed it up the past week and over the course of a week had three dates. Or, to be more exact, one official date and two hook-ups. One with the lead singer of Big Head Todd and the Monsters (although it got bleeped out so nobody would know who she groupied with) and one with a friend-plus from college (friend-plus, for those who don't know, are friends who you also occasionally sleep with). Cara has also just recently broken up with her year-long boyfriend, a guy who was completely in love with her and wanted to marry, but whom she broke up with partly because she got the "Real World" gig and didn't want to be in a serious relationship anymore. Fair enough, those are valid reasons for breaking up with someone or for maybe even ho-ing around. In this episode, however, we get shown that she still talks to the poor guy a lot and in one phone conversation, he even tells her not to do anything embarrassing because it would embarrass more people than just herself. In other words, don't be an idiot on the show because you'll hurt a lot of people, including my still completely broken-hearted self. And then she goes and sleeps around, including with a guy who is friends with the ex-boyfriend.

Now, there's nothing really wrong, per se, with ho-ing around. Especially after just getting out of a long-term relationship, but if you're going to ho around, why the fuck do you do it while constantly being videotaped by a camera crew to be aired on a show on MTV? Because there, for the entire half-an-hour, everyone who watched and who will watch, knows that Cara slept with a rock star and a friend of hers from college.

I guess the reason why I'm baffled by all of this is that if you're on a show that everyone in the entire world can see, including I'm guessing ex-boyfriends and parents, why would you let yourself get videotaped hooking up with someone? Everyone in the entire world knows that you just had sex with that particular person. Doesn't that bother anyone on the show?

Just think of all the people out there who just found out about Cara's sex life, besides us the viewers. There's the ex-boyfriend who at some point has to watch her hook up with a bunch of people, including a friend of theirs. Then there's friends of hers and people who casually knew her or knew of her beforehand. Even worse, there's the parents. I'm guessing that one of the worst things you could see as a parent is your daughter being shown coming home from a night of romping and discussing it with her roommates. Not exactly nice Jewish-girl behavior.

And yes, there is kind of a double standard involved. As anyone who watches the show knows, every African-American on the show (except for poor Malik) all tried their hardest to do the bling-bling and be a Playa. I'm sure they had no problems with letting everyone know that they were hooking up with everyone because it helps them live their bling-bling fantasy (and give it up for Tek who at least didn't bring them back to the house). It also probably helped them get laid much more often after the show was over. Then there's Mike on RW 11 who, being white, couldn't exactly be a Playa, but as a frat boy, still probably took pride in having the whole world see that he hooked up with a bunch of people and how hot they are. I'm sure when the shows aired, he was hanging out with his buddies high-fiving each other everytime he scored.

And, I'm also sure that the fact that you live in the Real World house probably helps you out with hooking up, as well as the fact that you're constantly being followed around by camera-crews. There are some people who would probably like the idea of going on a date or scamming with someone on the Real World because it'll give them face time on TV (oh boy!). So, I'm sure that the members of the cast are probably thinking that they might as well take advantage of it while it's going on and work it.

But the thing that really gets to me are the people who hook up with the Real World cast members. Because it's not like they get the fame and get to be known as a Real Worlder, but instead will forever be known and seen on tape as one of the losers whose shown getting together with a member of the cast. Like the waitress at the bar in Miami who will forever be known as a member of the threesome with Mike and Melissa. The clip of it happening and the sound of her moaning is broadcast on MTV everytime they show highlights from the series, which is a lot. Then there's RW 11's Mike's friend-plus from college, the one who comes to visit him for the weekend and has sex with him in his bed. The producers not only show a little footage of some bumping and grinding, but the whole rest of the episode is taken over by the rest of the cast-mates discussing the fact that they went at it while the other roommates were in the bedroom trying to sleep too. On the show, they never really show the girl saying much or doing much, she just comes, gets laid, and then goes goodbye. So now everyone at their school knows she's doing Mike, but everyone gets to see her doing Mike. Bet you she's real popular at parties now. And I wonder if she tells her friends "oh watch this episode, I'm on it!" Or if she told her parents "hey mom, I'm gonna be on tonight's Real World with my friend Mike." She basically did the sorority girl morning-after Walk of Shame, except did it in front of millions of people. And I'm not even gonna get into Jisela and Malik and her romping around in the Hamptons.

So what I'm basically trying to say her is this- what the fuck are these people thinking? Doesn't anyone care about having a little dignity? Are these people so excited over the idea of being on TV that they're okay with the fact that they'll only be shown having sex with people on the show? Are people really so desperate for their fifteen minutes of fame that they'll let everyone know what they're sex life is like?

And why the hell do I still watch this show?

Back in black
I hit the sack
I've been too long I'm glad to be back .....

Had that interview a week ago with that ad agency, the one where the lady was too busy doing everything else but interviewing to actually interview me. Still haven't heard back from them yet. I don't really think I got the job and I'm not exactly sure I would want it all things considering, but still, they haven't actually told me anything yet. I've sent the lady an e-mail, tried calling her a few times, and left a message on her voice-mail. Nothing. Nada. I mean, how long would it take to write an e-mail saying "sorry, we hired somebody else." I'm sure she's probably written one before.

So, even though I don't think I got the job and even though I think it would be wise not to actually work there, I'm still gonna hound her until I hear her tell me I didn't get the job. Why? Because I want her to tell me, to deal with it and with me. Because it's the principal of it all. Because whatever happened to courtesy, damnit? To treating people with respect? To, oh whatever. I just want to be a dick to her because she's being a beeyatch to me.

I know, people say I'm a dreamer, but I know I'm not the only one....

I was watching the season premiere of the new "Real World" and there's a scene where all of the new cast members are in a Hot Tub describing themselves. And as I'm watching, I'm thinking "oh boy, here we go again." Yet another season of the Real World where we're being given the exact same characters they always have- the sensitive gay male whose not sure about coming out, the black male playa, the bitchy black woman, the drunken out of control woman, the boring white-bred frat guy, etc. We all know they're gonna be getting these roles defined for them and I'm sure, by now, they all know what they're role is or how they're role is going to be. It makes me wonder if anyone goes "hey, wait, I'm not gonna be that person why BMP is going to make me be." When the season ends, everyone always complains about how they get typed, yet if you'd think by now that if you saw yourself as gonna be typed as the playa, you might think about not being such a playa while on screen.

For some strange reason, while watching that scene I though of the end of the "Breakfast Club" and started thinking how cool it would be if one of the season's ended the exact same way as the Breakfast Club did, with that voice-over of the essay that the Anthony Michael Hall character wrote:

Voice over of one of the cast members (let's say Cara because she's the one who seems to be the most normal, is kind of hot and Jewish to boot ) to shots of everyone packing and leaving the house:

Dear Mr. Bunim/Murray, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole four months out of our lives being filmed and made to look like idiots for everyone's amusement. But we think you're crazy to make an entire series telling everyone who you think we are. You see us as you want to see us...In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is….

Theo: a playa...

Kyle: ...and a frat boy...

Aneesa: ...and a basket case...

Tonya: ...a princess...

Chris: ...a gay male
Kari: and an out of control partier


Back to Cara: Does that answer your question?


Sincerely yours, the cast of the Real World

So I was gonna talk about the newest issue of the Bay Guardian. What with the whole cover story about the Homeless issue being one big, huge boneheaded column. I think I'll bring that up sometime later, but instead of going into a rant, I thought I'd put things this way, especially since I got a unique perspective on the whole homeless thing today.

I want to talk about one component of the Homeless issue: shit. That is, mainly, the whole issue over homeless people taking shits all over the place. People, for some reason, don't like seeing the shit on the streets. Hell, people tend not to like even seeing shit if it comes out of a cute, golden retriever puppy nevermind a scuzzy looking homeless person. And people like even less watching people take shits on the street. I can remember coming out of my apartment on Shrader one fine, beautiful SF morning only to see some crazy homeless person pull up her dress, squat down, and take a shit in front of somebody's stoop. Not a really good way to start the day. Understandably, people do not like having to see things like this. And while everyone talks about it's effects on Bubba and JoAnne Tourist from Wisshauka Nowheresville and the tourist industry, I'm pretty sure it's not something your average SF citizen if fond of seeing.

So people complain to the Mayor and the Mayor, all frustrated because it means he has to do something other than dining at fancy restaurants with his girlfriend of the week and does something drastic. Like getting rid of park benches. Or tries to have the cops arrest people for defecating in public places.

Which is a policy that upsets some people. See, the problem, as they see it, is that the homeless have to take a shit on the street, out in the open, because there's no bathrooms for them to use. Which is true. And a very good point. There are no bathrooms around for them to use. In fact, if you're downtown or in certain less than hoity-toity neighborhoods, it's really hard to find a public bathroom anywhere even if you have a home.

Why is it so hard to find a bathroom? Well, for one thing, there expensive and people have to clean them and there's no money for them. Just check out some of the bathrooms in Golden Gate Park and see how they look. I've been in Third World bathrooms that were in better shape.

But there's another reason why there's no bathrooms for people to use. It's because of the Homeless. Because they often-times use the bathrooms to clean up or do whatever and, well, often leave a huge, disgusting mess. And people don’t' like having to use disgusting bathrooms. We in the First World do not look fondly upon dirty bathrooms. That's why we like living in First World countries. And let's say you run a business on Haight Street. You have a bathroom for people to use, but there's so many Homeless people who use the bathroom that the bathroom are constantly a disgusting mess. When one of your customer's goes in there, somebody who actually pays the person who owns the business, they then go into the bathroom, see the mess, and maybe decide not to go shopping there again because they don't want to be associated with a place that has a bathroom that's fairly disgusting.

And that's if the business is lucky. A lot of business in the Haight, for instance, refuse to let people use the bathrooms because oftentimes the Homeless, at least the junkies, use the bathrooms to shoot up. So, besides having their bathroom turned into a shooting gallery, the place's customer's go in there, find empty hypodermic needles and, well, who wants to see that?

So as a result, it's almost impossible to find a bathroom downtown or in a lot of neighborhoods. Sometimes it's darn near impossible. All businesses have a bathroom, of course, but it's often impossible to use them. They either only allow you in if you're a customer and they give you a key to enter. Or some pretend there isn't one but will let you use it if you look okay. Or a lot of places pretend that there's absolutely no bathroom available and somehow their employees just hold it in for hours upon hours.

What does this have to do with today? Well, somebody thought it would be a brilliant idea to put one of those beautiful, lovely self-cleaning DeCaux toilets on 16th & Mission. For those of you who don't know the neighborhood, it's an extremely busy, hip neighborhood that also has an extremely seedy, skanky side. So, you think, good idea. It's a popular neighborhood, so let's put this wonderful, self-cleaning toilet in the middle of one of the busiest corners in the City. And all the Homeless people and other down on their luck people in the neighborhood, for just a quarter, can go use the place to take a shit.

Except for the fact that I'm pretty sure nobody actually uses that bathroom for what it's supposed to be used for. Everytime I walk by, I always see like three or four people getting in or getting out. And none of them look like they really have to go to the bathroom, if you know what I mean. Today, as I was walking by, right in the middle of the afternoon, the door opened and as one person goes stumbling out, another person can be plainly seen shooting up. When I walked past the bathroom a few hours later, the bathroom was pretty much trashed- door open, floor a mess, toilet not self-cleaned.

If you read the papers, you know that this particular toilet is an issue. The people who live in the neighborhood and the businesses that business in the neighborhood hate the bathroom because it's either being used for junkies to shoot up or for prostitutes to pull tricks in. They don't like that. I live in the neighborhood and I didn't really appreciate seeing someone shoot up in front of me, just like I wasn't really thrilled with watching that homeless lady take a shit on the street a few feet away from me.

So what does this have to do with the Homeless issue? Just this. That something needs to be done and that people would have a little more sympathy towards Homeless Advocates if they stopped talking about fixing capitalism, or how panhandling is a free speech issu,e or even having sympathy for the homeless if they just acknowledged the fact that people don't like seeing shit everywhere.

Flipping 'round the channels and saw, for a brief second, that CNN Headline News has hired Lindsay from Real World Seattle to do entertainment news or commentary or something. Does CNN have any credibility left? How low can they go? Lindsay may have some talent- who knows- but everyone who sees her on tv knows she's from the "Real World" (well most people anyways) and whatever her journalistic abilities are, she's always going to be Lindsay from the "Real World." And I'm sure CNN hired her because she's really good. Has nothing to do with all the changes they've been making lately and all the attempts to be hip and edgy.

And speaking of news channels, what's up with MSNBC? Almost every international story is being done now with that annoying video phone so that every image is all blurry. They keep on saying that they're doing it because they can do shots that they couldn't do before with regular cameras, but considering the incredible amount of footage that has been shot by news channels over the past twenty years or so, I somehow doubt it. It's like someone who gets a new toy and has to use it for everything just because it's all shiny and new and it's something their neighbors don't have yet. And for some reason, we're supposed to go "wow, I'm gonna watch MSNBC because they're using a video phone. They're way more cutting edge than CNN. All CNN has is that hot chick Paula Zahn and the girl whose brother commited suicide on the Real World."

Had an interview a couple of days ago at an ad agency. The women I interviewed with was the Vice-President of the agency. Extremely Type-A. Very, very Type-A. She was already totally wired when I came in to meet her but still felt the need to keep on guzzling her grande late during the interview. Not to mention check her e-mail or answer the phone. The interview ended partly because she was too busy but partly because she had gotten herself into such a tizzy she needed a smoke break.

I hate interviews like that. It's hard to get a word in when the person you're talking to is flying all over the place and hard to keep your cool when the other person is completely stressed out. I could of nailed the interview too. That is, if I had any time to actually say anything.

The whole thing kind of sucks. The interview is important to me. I need a fucking job. And it sounds like it's important to them too because they're about to lose two people who coordinate all the ads on the West Coast. Yet because the interviewer is conducting such a bad interview, how is the interviewee supposed to conduct a good interview? How can I show that I'm the person they desperately need if the other person trying to remember someone's inter-office extension number or constantly flying back to her computer to check her e-mail? I guess I should look on the bright side and know that if I don't get the job, she'll probably of hired somebody who was decided upon in such a nicotine fix that they're probably not any good.

Did I mention I hate interviews?

Umm, sorry. No "SF Bay Guardian Bonehead Column of the Week" this week as they didn't really have any annoying article. Plus, I've been too preoccupied with Real World Marathons to do anything else, including posting here (for the four people who actually read it).

I did figure out how "Survivor" could increase they're ratings (and believe it or not, I've never actually watched it). Every season's been in a hot weather environment. They should shake things up and go to a cold climate. Like the North Pole or Antartica. I know, this means that they won't be able to feature one of the main things that draws people in- hot chicks in bikinis, but there's something there to colder climates that they don't have in warmer one's. Think Donner Party. Think that movie "Alive." They should just throw the two tribes somewhere where it's really cold, make them fend for themselves and run out of food. Instead of being voted off the island, they'd just vote for whoever they'd want to eat.

Just think of the ratings.

So, let's see, apparently, the kid who crashed the plane into the BofA building, the one who replaced all of his N'Sync posters with Osama posters, was taking acne medicine. The medicine in particular, Acutin, is under investigation by the FDA for supposedly causing depression in teenagers. A whopping 147 kids who used acutin tried to kill themselves, with varying degrees of success over the past ten years. Which breakds down to a little over eight kids a year. Somehow, this is being bandied about as the reason why the kid hijacked the plane and crashed it into a building.

Which does make a lot of sense, if you think about it. It just has to be Acutin because, as we all know, acne riddled teens are never depressed. In fact, usually acne-riddled teens are happy and well acclimated in high school, aren't self-conscious at all, and get all the girls. Maybe they should check other things too to see if there's anything else in common. Like I betcha they all ate m&m's. Or watched MTV. I bet you they all watched basketball at one point in their lives.

You know, this changes my whole perspective on things. I never took Acutin as I never had acne problems, but I did constantly get allergy shots. Maybe that's why I was depressed all the time in high school? Maybe it wasn't the parents divorce, the fact that the only time a girl talked to me was to make fun of me, or because everyone in my high school thought Phil Collins was a musical genius. Maybe I should sue the makers of my allergy medicine for all the emotional trauma I had because I didn't get a date to the Senior Prom.

Can you say Twinkie Defense?

Speaking of twinkies, CNN had a story about the whole India/Pakistan tiff and how all of this is being fought over a place most Americans had never heard of. What? Everyone's heard of "Kashmir." As Jon Stewart said on the "Daily Show" last night, it's the song we all heard the first time we tried to make a bong out of a 7-up can. And we've all seen "Fastimes At Ridgemont High." We may now know what the hell the conflict, but we do know it's the ultimate song to make out too.

And yo, check this out. It's an entire page dedicated to Tolkien references in Zeppelin songs:
http://www.auburn.edu/~speedhe/

Which reminds me, that now that I'm just beginning "Return of the Kings," a lot of Zeppelin songs are making a whole lot more sense. I have to admit, though, that what hobbits have to do with lemons squeezing down people's legs is beyond me.

Wait, I'm rambling again. Must be the Acutin.

I'm all buzzed on wine and Buffy-love, but I had to post this. As I mentioned earlier, the SF Chron finally got wise and dumped "Family Circus," a cartoon whose fans have probably all died by now. Anyways, the paper printed a bunch of letters in response to the cartoon dumping and somebody posted this absolutely brilliant letter:

Editor -- I'm disappointed to see that The Chronicle has caved in to conservative pressure and dropped the hard-hitting, controversial Family Circus.

It's true that Bil Keane's savage, unrelenting critique of the American dream can be hard to take, and some might say his doctrinaire Maoism is out of place in 2002 -- but what else is freedom of speech about if not allowing a place for views that outrage the mainstream?

JEFF CARLOCK
Berkeley

So funny for so many reasons......

So yeah, I've been dissing Bank of America a lot on these pages lately. Stupid lame-ass corporate bank. Since they did something really cool today, I thought I'd give them my props as it were (and do people still say props anymore? I don't know what the kids today are saying). Today they had a big huge meeting with all of the temps and basically told them that they wanted to make them all permanent, full-time Bank of America employees, complete with benefits and the whole shebang. The benefits were pretty good too.

Must say that was a really cool thing for them to do as I always got the impression that corporations like them liked temps because they didn't have to pay for benefits. Too bad I just quit (joking).

This is just so typical. Gwyneth does "The Royal Tannenbaums" starring the Wilson Brothers. Owen is the very funny, very talented (he helped write the movie) and goofy looking one. Luke is the not very funny, not very talented, but very good-looking one. Gwyneth, of course, winds up dating Luke.

Which makes me wonder about dating in Celebrity-land. One of the big issues whenever you date someone, of course, is their past history. Ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, lovers all that kind of stuff. If you're a Gwyneth-sized celebrity, everybody knows. It's not like Luke has to ask many questions about Gwyneth's past relationships because we all know about her past relationships. And if he didn't know certain things, all he'd have to do is go to NationalEnquirer.com and just do a search. In a way, that might make things easier because you can kind of skip over that whole issue. It also makes it easier because you already know that say Courtney Love or Winona Ryder are major skank-ho's.

And I just thought up a skit that "SNL" has to write. Or maybe I should write it. Either way, just imagine a spoof of MTV's Cribs except it's W. showing the White House. Wouldn't that be funny? Just imagine all the hilarity when he shows the master bedroom and says "and this is where the magic happens." Of course, if Bill were still president, he'd be able to walk around and say "this is where the magic happens. And here too. And it also happened here….and there."

Well, I think it's funny.

Oh boy, the Winter Olympics are on their way here. Good timing too, our country needs a little bit more things to help whip us up into a really annoying patriotic fervor. Anyways, I've noticed that NBC (did you know NBC is doing the Olympics this year? It's not like they've plastered the logo all over the screen during NBC show) decided to use as their theme Neil Diamond's "America." You know, "we're coming to America/We're coming to America/Today! (nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah)." But instead of going with original, which is pretty cool in it's oh so cheesy Diamondesque way, they redid it, except this time turning it into a duet between the Solitary Man himself and Melissa Etheridge. Mellissa Etheridge? Where the hell did they think come up with that and who thought that would make a really good duet couple? And they gave her most of the best parts of the song to sing too. Dear God.

I just don't get the whole Melissa Etheridge thing. She does nothing for me other than make me turn the radio anytime I hear her voice on the radio. It's not even like I can at least understand her appeal. I don't at all. There's a lot of bands that I hate but can at least comprehend why some people would be into them. Steely Dan bores the living crap out of me, but I can see how some people think they're kind of clever and their music lively enough not to put them to sleep. I've always thought Bon Jovi was the epitomy of over the top stupidity, but I can at least acknowledge the fact that he does right a pretty good melody and can write a pretty mean hook. But Melissa Etheridge? Don't get it all. Let's put it another way. If she weren't lesbian, would anybody care? Her entire hook is that she's just your normal, everyday lesbian who wants to be Bob Seger. And as for her doing the tune with Neil, let's put it another way- do you honestly think that somewhere down the line, there is going to be a band that gets slightly famous for doing Melissa Etheridge cover tunes?

And what about the 15 year old kid who crashed the plane into a BofA building in Tampa (hee). Everyone hopped all over California when it came out that John Walker was from Marin, but so far we've heard nothing like that with this kid. Why not? Hell, Florida's so fucked up that they couldn't even figure out how to run an election. So, let me go… stupid white-trash redneck cracker with dumb-ass trailer park parents. Probably too busy watching NASCAR or firing off guns to figure out their kid was hero-worshipping Osama.

And before everyone gets too upset, you have to remember that whatever he did, at least he didn't do what all the other loser high-school kids did and shot up half the school. He just crashed a plane into an abandoned building, only killing himself. Say this for post-9/11 America, at least all those stupid kids now have a better outlet for their fucked-up, mortal kombat, suicidal wet dream.

Uhh, sorry. Bad day at work.

Quit on Friday but since I'm working with a Temp Agency, they have to handle it all. Which they didn't do and means I have to be there for at least one more day. So, all day, I'm sitting there working, waiting for the Temp Agency to let my manager's know, waiting for the bomb to drop as it were, and nothing. Everytime my manager's huddled together, everytime they walked past me, I thought "here it comes," all the while hoping that they'd see that I had quit and looked at my not so great attitude there and just tell me to go home. But it never happened. The call was never made and they still don't know. So when the Dragon Lady of a boss stopped by to tell me how to do my job, I just had to grin and bear it. There is, after all, a difference between slacking off because you know you're about to quit and slacking off because everyone knows you're about to quit.

And I have to go through it all again tomorrow.

We here at Hooray For Anything would like to initiate a new, weekly feature. This is the "SF Bay Guardian Bonehead Column of the Week." For those outside of San Francisco, the Bay Guardian is a particularly annoying free alternative weekly that everyone in the city reads because it's free yet nobody actually likes. You know what kind of paper I'm talking about- the kind with hipper than thou cultural reviews, ultra P.C. outlook, and super-fantasy land liberal viewpoint (the kind of view that runs something like we should tax every business in San Francisco to give money to every performance artist in the City because it's more important to have bad performance artists than a good economy and that way all of the writer's friends will be able to actually quit Starbucks). Because the paper is just so annoying and yet so addicting to read (kind of a love hate thing, like why I watched "Beverly Hills 90201" when it aired- up until Dylan leaving due to his new wife being accidentally killed by her Mafioso father of course). Anyways, the point of this is to pick apart the blatant stupidity and masturbatory wankiness that makes up the Bay Guardian.

And away we go-

This week's "SF Bay Guardian Bonehead Column of the Week" is actually about the entire issue. It's the Bay Guardian's 2001 "The Year in Film" issue. In it, all of the film critics, editors, and essayists get to post a Top 10 list of their favorite movies of the year. The lists are always a variation of the "huh, what the hell is that movie, I've never heard of it?" type lists so favored by reviewers of their ilk. Just reading through the list, I think I've heard of at least four or five of them. And we're talking at least 10 lists with each 10 movies in it, so that's a lot of movies. Heard of this one: "The Century's Great Catastrophe' Amrerica's Disaster: The Pearl Harbor of the 21st Century" by various Directors (Alvin Lu's top pick). Or this one: "Werckmeister Harmonies?" (another top movie of the year by an editor). Not surpassingly, most of the movies listed are foreign because there were no good American movies made this year (which is kind of true, but that's another story). But this American movie made the list- "Ballad of a Soldier" as did "Radio Free Steve." Heard of those?
All of this should prove a general rule for movie reviewers, that if a movie airs at 2 in the morning at a film festival, it doesn't make it necessarily a great movie. And, as always, just because you can name movies that only three or four other people have ever heard of, you are not really, really cool. In fact, I'd be willing to be most of the people who put their lists together have probably seen "Lord of the Rings" at least as many times as I have (twice), but couldn't, of course, admit it because where's the fun in admitting that when you can praise the beauty of a Hungarian documentary.

Strangely, Terry Zwigoff's "Ghost World," a movie in which one of the anti-heroes is kind of a pathetic loser who collects really obscure blues records, is one of the few American movies that made several lists. The Bay Guardian is not known for it's sense of irony.

Quit the god-awful temp job yesterday. Strangely feel kind of bad about it. Like I did made a mistake and shouldn't of done it. Part of it's because the guy at the Temp Agency gave me a scare about how tough things are and how I should be thankful to even have this crappy-ass job. And part of it is because I had been there long enough that I was kind of starting to feel comfortable there. Not happy, not content certainly because I still hated being there and was at any moment about to tell my dragon-lady of a supervisor where she can stick it. But still comfortable.

I had been there long enough that it had become my reality. My routine. I was getting used to waking up at 6, at schlepping into the office at the same time the sun was coming out , and doing mindless data entry all day to the point my arms felt like they were about to fall off and I was hoping for some sort of problem just so I'd have something to think about. I even started to have my routine at work established and set up- coffee at 8, lunch and reading the paper at 12:30, reading the magazines at the store at the lobby during breaks- and was getting used to it (that is until I got into another fight with my supervisor over when I can take breaks). Then there was the matter of actually getting a pay-check every week.

I think part of the reason why I hated it so much when I started was because I was unemployed long enough for unemployment to be my reality and I had my routines in it. I was unemployed and I had made my peace with it, was even liking it. When I started working, all of a sudden, my reality was yanked away and all of my routines were gone. Which is why I so hated the temp job at first, because I was no longer living my cozy, unemployed, completely impoverished life, and was quickly jerked into having another one, one that wasn't really that great. But now, I was adjusting, my reality had shifted, and I was starting to accept it. Which, come to think of it, is a damn good reason to quit when I did.

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to wind up in prison. Not that I'm ever about to do anything that would put me in prison (unless John Ashcroft reads some of the things I've written), but sometimes I think about it. I mean, I can't imagine a more awful place to have to be stuck for a long period of time. If I have problems with accepting taking a lunch break at a certain time, imagine how well I'd take to not being able to leave my cell until certain times. But somehow, I think that after awhile, I'd get used to it in a way. Prison life would become normal and I'd have my routines in it. I'd even have my prison friends and social circles (and hopefully not a prison wife) and a life inside of the prison. And after awhile, I'd be kind of comfortable there. Not happy, certainly, nor not dreaming of getting out of there, but I'd be able to deal with it. I even think that some days I'd even find a measure of happiness here and there.

I guess this is a good thing. Here's hoping I never really ever have to find out for sure.

One mo thing. Apparently, the French ambassador to England was overheard at a party saying that all the problems in the world today was the fault of "of 'that shitty little country Israel." He then went on to say "Why should the world be put in danger because of those people?." He is now in a tiny bit of trouble.

Found this great comment from a columnist (Mathew Norman) in the British paper, the Guardian. I think this best sums it up:
"We will not, therefore, be observing (having offered all respect and indeed adoration to the resistance) that, if France had one iota of the fighting spirit of "that shitty little country Israel", it might have lasted more than a fortnight in the last war. Nor will we be raising Drancy, the concentration camp run by the Parisian police in the name of Vichy, in which conditions were so unspeakable that the Germans themselves were shocked into closing it."

But, I will add, as my comment, this little joke: Why are there trees lining the Champs D'Elysee? To give the occupying army some shade as they march down it.

I have a dream. In this dream, the head of a major company, let's say the kind of company that provides services to people, suddenly finds himself in the predicament of needing help concerning the service that their company provides (and yes, I realize I'm using male pronouns, but let's face it, if you're talking heads of major corporations, there's a pretty damn good chance it's gonna be a guy). For instance, let's say the head of , oh, I don't know, AT &T Cable or Earthlink suddenly finds themself having problems with their cable or internet access. Then imagine that they actually have to call the 1-800 number that is set up for technical support/customer service. I know, I know, it's pretty far fetched. I mean, like the head of AT&T cable systems is going to have an issue with his cable service (he's probably using a dish anyways) or having problems with their dial-up (again, he probably has a T1 or T3 connection). And it's not like they'd actually call the 1800 number because, well, that's what normal people have to do and they're not normal. They're important people, people who run companies that provide services and help us. They don't have to deal with the actual nitty gritty of using the services of which they run. Instead, they all have their own toady, Smithers-like support staff to fix things up for them so that if something goes wrong, their problems get automatically fixed. I, for instance, don't imagine that if the head of AT&T Cable has a problem with his cable service or wants to upgrade his cable box, he's gonna have to call the 1800 number and then schedule an appointment with his cable company to come out to his house. After all, he'd have to leave his very important job for several hours to make sure that he's actually there during the four hour window in which the Cable Guy might show up. But for argument's sake, let's just pretend.

So, in this dream, the head of this company has to actually call customer support. The very same number that us peasants have to use. And like the rest of us, when they do it, they have to wade through the layers and layers of automated responses and voice mail options. They will have to sit and listen to every menu item and then they will have to figure out which one sounds like their problem and then they will have to press that number. Then, if they're lucky, maybe it'll actually work or maybe they'll have the fun of getting stuck into a voice-mail loop. In my dream, they get stuck in a voice mail loop that they can't get out of and have to redial again and choose another option. They will try frantically to get a live person only to find out that's it's darn near impossible or at least takes at least five minutes to wade through all the options to get to a live person. Then, they will have to wait for half an hour before they get that live person. And during that time, they will have to listen to the endless loop of ads, bad music and thank yous that bombard you while you wait.

Then, they will get a live person. The live person will try and help them out but will only discover that the reason for the problem is that somebody else, in another department, screwed up the account or punched the wrong number into the system and that's the cause of their problems. They will then transfer this big shot, this head of the company to the department that will fix that and they will have to wait another twenty minutes or so to get the next department. That department won't know what happened, can't figure out what the deal is, say that it's not really they're department anyways but try and help you. They will, but to do so, it'll take another couple of hours before it could finally be fixed or they'll have to send someone out to take a look at it. After an hour or so, the head of the company will finally get the answer to his problems fixed. He will then be so pissed off that he wasted an hour that he vows to fix customer support and make sure that it none of his companies customer's will ever have to go through something like that again.

I know, it's a fantasy, but I can still believe. I'm just wondering if Earthlink can give me a free couple of hours to make up for the two hours of my life I've wasted the past couple of days fixing my dial-up problems.

And by the way, I love the fact that when you call their tech support, they keep on telling you that you should check out their customer service section on their Web site and send them an e-mail. Which is a great idea, except for the fact that in most cases you're probably calling Earthlink because you can't get onto the fucking internet, so going to their Web site for help isn't going to do a damn thing.

Happy New Year everyone. I think I can speak for everyone when I say good riddance to 2001. In fact, I think I can speak for everyone when I say what 2001 can do with itself. What a miserable year. Of course, there was the recent unpleasantness and I found myself losing my job, my apartment and spending more time in doctor's offices than I have over the past six years combined. On the other hand, "Lord of the Rings" fucking rocked, so I guess it wasn't all that bad.

2002 has a cool ring to it. Must be that symmetrical thing. We haven't had that cool of a numerical year since 1991 and what a year that was. Bush was President, we were at war in the Middle East, there was a recession….

Hmmm……

Actually, despite it all, '91 saw the release of "Nevermind," the Smashing Pumpkins "Gish" (still probably my fave album of all time), the vastly overrated but still kind of cool "10" and U2's "Achtung Baby." With all that's going on, maybe we're about to have that kind of year culturally. We already know we're getting a "Star Wars" flick (Lucas better not screw this one up), the next installment of "Lord of the Rings," the next Harry Potter book and we'll finally be able to find out just what the hell is up with Buffy. Hell, we're already off to a good start in that the SF Chron finally got rid of "Family Circus." Now, if they could only get rid of "For Better or For Worse." Or at least not until we find out what happens to Elizabeth, her ex-boyfriend and her current cheating boyfriend.

Wait, I'm rambling. Sorry. Nevermind.