I have a dream. In this dream, the head of a major company, let's say the kind of company that provides services to people, suddenly finds himself in the predicament of needing help concerning the service that their company provides (and yes, I realize I'm using male pronouns, but let's face it, if you're talking heads of major corporations, there's a pretty damn good chance it's gonna be a guy). For instance, let's say the head of , oh, I don't know, AT &T Cable or Earthlink suddenly finds themself having problems with their cable or internet access. Then imagine that they actually have to call the 1-800 number that is set up for technical support/customer service. I know, I know, it's pretty far fetched. I mean, like the head of AT&T cable systems is going to have an issue with his cable service (he's probably using a dish anyways) or having problems with their dial-up (again, he probably has a T1 or T3 connection). And it's not like they'd actually call the 1800 number because, well, that's what normal people have to do and they're not normal. They're important people, people who run companies that provide services and help us. They don't have to deal with the actual nitty gritty of using the services of which they run. Instead, they all have their own toady, Smithers-like support staff to fix things up for them so that if something goes wrong, their problems get automatically fixed. I, for instance, don't imagine that if the head of AT&T Cable has a problem with his cable service or wants to upgrade his cable box, he's gonna have to call the 1800 number and then schedule an appointment with his cable company to come out to his house. After all, he'd have to leave his very important job for several hours to make sure that he's actually there during the four hour window in which the Cable Guy might show up. But for argument's sake, let's just pretend.

So, in this dream, the head of this company has to actually call customer support. The very same number that us peasants have to use. And like the rest of us, when they do it, they have to wade through the layers and layers of automated responses and voice mail options. They will have to sit and listen to every menu item and then they will have to figure out which one sounds like their problem and then they will have to press that number. Then, if they're lucky, maybe it'll actually work or maybe they'll have the fun of getting stuck into a voice-mail loop. In my dream, they get stuck in a voice mail loop that they can't get out of and have to redial again and choose another option. They will try frantically to get a live person only to find out that's it's darn near impossible or at least takes at least five minutes to wade through all the options to get to a live person. Then, they will have to wait for half an hour before they get that live person. And during that time, they will have to listen to the endless loop of ads, bad music and thank yous that bombard you while you wait.

Then, they will get a live person. The live person will try and help them out but will only discover that the reason for the problem is that somebody else, in another department, screwed up the account or punched the wrong number into the system and that's the cause of their problems. They will then transfer this big shot, this head of the company to the department that will fix that and they will have to wait another twenty minutes or so to get the next department. That department won't know what happened, can't figure out what the deal is, say that it's not really they're department anyways but try and help you. They will, but to do so, it'll take another couple of hours before it could finally be fixed or they'll have to send someone out to take a look at it. After an hour or so, the head of the company will finally get the answer to his problems fixed. He will then be so pissed off that he wasted an hour that he vows to fix customer support and make sure that it none of his companies customer's will ever have to go through something like that again.

I know, it's a fantasy, but I can still believe. I'm just wondering if Earthlink can give me a free couple of hours to make up for the two hours of my life I've wasted the past couple of days fixing my dial-up problems.

And by the way, I love the fact that when you call their tech support, they keep on telling you that you should check out their customer service section on their Web site and send them an e-mail. Which is a great idea, except for the fact that in most cases you're probably calling Earthlink because you can't get onto the fucking internet, so going to their Web site for help isn't going to do a damn thing.