So in all the years that I've been working, I've never actually been in any sort of position of power. I've had jobs that were supposed to have power but in reality, had none. And I've had jobs where I had power but nobody cared enough about what I was working on to make it matter.

These days, for whatever reason, I've got the power. And I'm not even supposed to have any, but I do. I'm slowly realizing that I can march myself into my bosses office, complain about something, and get an instant result. I'm pretty sure that within time, I can be pretty much running the show. Today, I- as they say these days- threw someone under the bus. And without even trying, I gave my boss the final straw that broke a soon to be a non-Manager's back.

And you know something. It's kind of fun.

It's about power. Who's got it, who knows how to use it.

This is an actual story. It is not from The Onion. It's about the Republicans trying to recruit Black Conservatives to work for the GOP:

"With almost two dozen resumes (two dozen!) from black Republicans in hand, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said his party's members will focus on hiring more minorities for their staffs.

"One of our problems was, in the hiring of African-Americans, we can't find good conservative African-Americans to work for us," DeLay, R-Texas, said after meeting Tuesday with conservative black leaders. "But I've got 20 resumes now of young conservatives."

Twenty whole resumes! You go, Tom.

I wonder how many Senators or Congressman sat there, during the State of the Union address and, while Bush is going on and on about all this supposed legislation he's supporting ("I'm for Clean Air! And I want to get rid of fuel combustion engines! And all I'm saying is Give Peace a Chance!"), think about doing the whole cough while saying "bullshit" move. Wouldn't it be kind of cool? Or imagine if somebody just broke out in peals of laughter instead.

And wouldn't it be cool too if all the women in Joe Millionaire got together and said "you know, this is kind of lame and the guy's a bit of a dork, so let's just skeedaddle." Or hell, if one of the women just said to the camera "he's just dumb and not my type and I don't really care about money anyways" and left on their own accord?

And do you think the Joe Millionaire guy is kind of bummed these days knowing that he could have picked the one who was doing bondage flicks? She's pretty hot too.

Maybe I should sign up to be on the next Joe Millionaire. Man, it would be a pretty exciting show. Within weeks, all of them would tell me how much they like me, but not like-like me and then tell me how much they hope that they could still hang out and be friends. Throw in Corey Feldman and I think we'd have something.

Mine's a tale that can't be told, my freedom I hold dear.
How years ago in days of old, when magic filled the air.
T'was in the darkest depths of Mordor, I met a girl so fair.
But Gollum, and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her, her, her....yeah.


Gonna ramble on, sing my song. Gotta keep-a-searchin' for my baby...
Gonna work my way, round the world. I can't stop this feelin' in my heart
Gotta keep searchin' for my baby. I can't find my bluebird!

Almost missed the last shuttle to work this morning because BART was delayed. Turns out somebody got sick and had to be "helped," thus shutting down the entire BART line for half an hour.

Sheesh.

I mean, we're only talking one- one!- person. There's hundreds, hundreds of people put out because one measly little person got sick. What about the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few? Don't animals eat their lame to avoid just such problems?

And yes, I'm just joshing. I have no idea what happened other than there was a medical emergency and the lines were delayed. And yes, I know what I said could be construed as being cold and heartless.

Still, don't think that what I said doesn't go through people's minds. Oh, I know, I've seen it. I know how you think.

I was on MUNI once when somebody passed out- just fell down and had a quick little epileptic-like seizure. The people around her quickly alerted the driver and cleared out room for her. The train stopped and everyone kneeled around her, making sure she was allright and going through the motions of Concerned People. She came through, fine, but according to procedures, we couldn't move until an ambulance or some sort of emergency vehicle came to check her out. Everyone sat there, trying to look patient and concerned, but you could tell, just sense, that people were getting pissed at what was going on. You could see them, when they didn't think anyone was looking, glance at their watch and give a quick little roll of their eye. Then, as soon as that was over and when they were sure nobody saw, they'd quickly put back that mask of feigned concern.

Yesterday some guy walked into my Bikram class and looked to be in even worse shape than I am- bigger beer belly, dorkier yoga wear, frumpier demeanor. It, of course, makes me feel like there's an even more inflexible, easily tired, and sweaty male out there. Naturally, three poses in, I look over and he's bending himself in all sorts of ways I could never imagine. D'oh.

Which reminds me of a class I took a couple of years ago. It was this funky class in which you actually didn't do any poses, you practiced getting into the poses. It was the ultimate in yoga-ness, no moving, just "being." Whatever. Anyways, the teacher was supposed to be this Master Yoga guy and everyone's waiting for him cause he's late. Then some guy walked in, longish hair in a pony-tail, tie-died t-shirt, weather-beaten face, and one big-ass huge Buddha belly. Turns out he's the teacher. He looked like the kind of guy you'd see propped up on the corner of a sports bar going onto his sixth hour of football watching. He didn't look like he could bend over, let alone do a Warrior Pose.

Oh, but he could. It was amazing. Here was this short, rolly-poly guy with a huge beer-gut getting all bendy all over the place. I wouldn't call him graceful, only because you usually don't associate guys who look like Homer Simpson graceful, but he was graceful in his way. The weird thing, though, was how he moved. Like his gut was the hub of his body and his body spun around the hub. The belly stayed the same, never moving, but everything attached to it moved. I wondered, in fact, if the beer gut was the center of his power.

Still, all I could wonder was this- if yoga is supposed to be so healthful, what the hell was this guy doing with a huge gut?

Remember how back when I decided that the Las Vegas cast of the Real World needs to be put on the front lines when we invade Iraq? I change my mind. They should not only be put in the front lines, but when the bombs start dropping, we should strap them up to the missles, all Dr. Strangelove-like, and drop them over Baghdad.

What a worthless group of humanity.

Speaking of which, I missed the State of the Union address tonight. I think I'd rather go see a live performance of Celine Dion sings "Blue Oyster Cult" than listen to Smirk-Boy's speech. Did we declare war on anybody else? Did any countries get updated to our "Axis of Evil" list? Because that worked out so well last time. Two out of the three countries named we are now in the state of "crisis" with. And neither of those two were the one's sponsoring terrorism (remember that old bugaboo or is that so 2001?). Hell, North Korea was just kind of minding it's own business until it got dissed by Bush and so decided to pull the a Dr. Evil.

In fact, it's kind of hard these days to figure out just who the biggest threat is. We got al Queda, Iraq, Iran, N. Korea, Syria (they're pretty evil too), Saudi Arabia (which is where all the terrorists came from), and so many others. I know I'm not sure which one's more dangerous and I'm sure that I'm not the only one's. It's my feeling, in fact, that the best thing we should do is prioritize our list of Evil-doers. To help us out, I propose that we get that BCS Computer (the same computer that crunches a bunch of numbers, stats, and formulas to pick the best College football teams) to figure out whose #1 on our Evil Doer's list.

We should take all the countries in the world and give them points based on evil-doing type activity. Points should definitely be awarded for state sponsored terrorism, as well as the potential for Weapons of Mass Destruction. Then there's propensity for killing it's citizens and threatening war on it's neighbors. Add in a few extra points for oil fields, obvious craziness by it's leader, and strength of schedule et viola- the BCS Evil Doer Ranking list.

This way, one way or the other, we'll know for sure which country is definitely the most dangerous country in the world. And this way, we'll be able to know exactly which country we should start droppin' the bombs.

Is it okay to admit that you're totally, completely sick of The Osborne's? And I don't even watch the show. I am so sick of them, in fact, that I think both Jack and Kelly deserve to be one of the one's sent into the front lines of the oh-so-inevitable war against Iraq. Just got their spoiled, talent-less, attention mongering, way past fifteen minutes asses out of here.

As for Ozzy, it's kind of sad actually. On the one hand, yeah, the Pepsi Twist ad was kind of funny. And it's hard not to like him. But Jesus Frickin' Christ, this is also the same person who sang Faries Wear Boots and Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath. And now he's doing commercial's for some lame ass, nobody drinks soft-drink with the Osmonds. The Osmonds!

Oh well, it's better that then getting busted for kiddy porn.

Somone once said that every conversation being had by other people is always stupid. Which is why I gotta give this guy some props cause it wasn't. He and his hipster girlfriend saw a poster for Kangeroo Jack, the End of Western Civilization type movie about the kangaroo. They were riffing on possible sequels for the movie and came up with this- the kangaroo steals a huge packet of crack and spends the movie getting chased by gangsta's. Yep, that's right- Kangeroo Jack City.

Sadly, that's all I got tonight. Stupid Mondays.

I can cross another thing off my list of Things That I Just Had to Do Before I Died-

I had haggis.

So, I turned on the TV to watch some big concert with lots of pop stars and some damn football game kept on interrupting it. Sheesh. It's getting to the point where I wouldn't be suprised if next year, the NFL carts out Usher and Nelly to perform during the huddles. And will Sting do anything these days?

The big comic riff during the game was about Tampa Bay Wide Receiver, Joe Jurevicius. Joe is the one whose kid was born way pre-mature and has been spending the past couple of weeks shuttling back and forth between practice and watching over his newborn kid. The woman-folk (especially those with kids) think that Joe's got his priorities screwed up, that he should take care of his kid more than he's gotta play football. It is of my opinion, however, that Joe has to play football. Why? Because he has to for the kid's sake.

Imagine he didn't play and the kid turns out fine (which we all hope is true). For the rest of his life, the kid's gonna know that his dead missed out on playing in the Superbowl (the Superbowl!) and winning it because of him. Imagine the pressure the kid's gotta be under. Imagine all the stress and guilt that could come with it. Think about it. For the rest of his life, he'll be hearing things like "so what if you'll miss Bill's party, I missed the Superbowl." Or "I missed the Superbowl for you, the least you can do is take out the trash." Or even this one- "sorry we can't afford Stanford, but I might have been able to afford it if I could have played in the Superbowl."

Nope. Joe had to have played.

Don't call me crazy but….

There's all these corner stores around where I live. It is the Mission, after all. Most of the stores are either owned by Hispanics or by Arab-Americans. The thing is, that in a lot of cases I'm not sure what the owners' ethnic group is. Not that I can't tell the difference between ethnic groups, but because I'm fairly convinced that a lot of the stores are owned and run by Arab-Americans, but because it's not such a good time to be an Arab-American, they're pretending to be Hispanic.

Take the store around the corner from me. They look Arab-American, but they sells tons of Hispanic stuff. The deli sells chorzio and all sorts of other Mexican type meats as well as all other Mexican type. And they also sell gaudy, Mother Mary candles (the kind only Catholics will buy) as well as all sorts of other religious paraphenlia. And when there's tons of people in there, they crank the salsa.

When I'm in there when there's not a lot of people, though, all of a sudden, the Middle Eastern dance music gets cranked. And while I hear them talking Spanish every once in awhile, I swear, when nobody's around, they'll break into Arabic.

what's up with that?

Okay, I admit it. I have absolutely, positively nothing to say these days. Nothing to rant about, nothing snarky to snark about. Nothing.

Oh, there is this:
Look Away, Dixieland- Bush may have rebuked Lott for his praise of Strom Thurmond, but the President recently revived a practice of paying homage to an even greater champion of the Confederacy.

Sadly, I don't have a punch line for this. Luckily, I don't think there needs to be one here.

Every day, I get up and pray to John
And he decreases the number of clocks by exactly one
Everybody's comin' home for lunch these days
Last night there were skinheads on my lawn
Take the skinheads bowling
Take them bowling
Take the skinheads bowling
Take them bowling
Some people say that bowling alleys got big lanes
Some people say that bowling alleys all look the same
There's not a line that goes here that rhymes with anything
I has a dream last night, but I forget what it was
I had a dream last night about you, my friend
I had a dream I wanted to sleep next to plastic
I had a dream I wanted to lick your knees
I had a dream it was about nothing

So how long do you think it'll take before everyone gets sick of the whole Jon Gruden story line?

Pet Peeve # whatever the hell I'm on-

I grew up in Philly. I know what a Philly Cheese steak is- think strips of meat, melted provelone or (even better) melted cheese whiz on an Amoroso roll. Onions and peppers optional. They are a little taste of heaven. Philly Cheese Steaks do not have pickles on them. They do not have tomatoes nor do they come with lettuce. But most importantly, they do not HAVE MAYO ON THEM.

Seriously, what is it with Californians and Mayo? Doesn't anyone here realize how disgusting mayo is? Don't people realize that mayo doesn't have to go on everything?

There should be some sort of law that says if you call yourself a "Philly Cheese Steak" place, especially if you're claiming to be from Philly, it has to be a Philly Cheese Steak. That means no pickles, no lettuce and no mayo. And that means no T-Bone steak with American cheese on a sourdough roll too. There's gotta be some sort of Food Police that goes out and makes sure that people sell what they advertise. Either that or Philadelphia should go out and sue people for slandering the city's reputation like that. It's like if you're offering "New York Style Deli Sandwhiches" you must have rye bread (it's happened!). Nor bean sprouts and for God's sake- and this is especially true of "New York Style Deli Sandwiches"- NO MAYO. And if you say you're a New York Style Bagel, your bagels do not come in whole weat, do not taste like a loaf of bread with a whole in it, or come in such flavors as "jalapena" or "blueberry."

Damnit, I'm serious about this.

Ahhh, another day, another protest march.

And no, I didn't go. Everyone's asking me if I went or if I wanted to go. A friend even tried to talk me into it. And all those people read this thing.

This time, I'm not gonna make fun of all the people marching. Part of me enjoys that it's happening. As I've said many times before, anytime someone wipes the smirk of W.'s face I'm down. Especially now when he's in full "I'm King of the World!" mode and everyone in his Administration is talking like John Wayne on a 'roid rage.

As much as I love snarking on the Bush administration for their whole Masters of War thing, I'm actually kind of ambivalent about the Iraq. The thing is that Hussein is, as someone once said of James T. Kirk, he's a "tin-plated dictator with delusions of grandeur" (except of course, that Kirk rocks and Saddam is Evil, except for alternative universe Kirk, so you could say that Saddam is like Alternate Universe Kirk except Alternate Universe Kirk is still way cool). And he has been for a long time. There is no doubt that if left to his own devices, he's fully capable of fucking things up. He's like the puny, obnoxious twerp you knew in school who kept on trying to get attention, kept on failing, and out of his frustration wound up doing something psycho just to get to get attention. If he were in high school, he'd either be head of Young Republicans or scheming to blow it up. Keep in mind, his people are starving and dying due to the sanctions the U.N. set up after the first Gulf War, yet he has shown not a whit of concern for his people. If he really cared about his people, all he'd have to do is let the U.N. play their little games. Instead, he builds more palaces, more statues of himself, and thumbs his nose at everyone.

If the Hawks are right and that Saddam falls within days, that the Iraqi army will run and that the Iraqi people would welcome us with welcome arms, and that we'd start up a democracy that works and nothing else bad would happen, I'd be down for it. The problem is I don't think it's gonna go down that way. I see nothing but bad mojo going on with this. Nor do I really think this is the time nor the way of going about dealing with this whole thing. Besides, the North Korean's are jumping up and down like a kid on ADD and shouting to the world "hey, look at us, we're bad, we're bad! Pay attention to us!" and they're definitely crazier than Saddam is. Then there's the Syrians and Iranians who are actually the countries arming and financing terrorist groups.

Which is why I'm so ambivalent about the whole thing. I'm kind of down with Regime change, I just have no frickin idea whether it's gonna work. And I'm pretty damn sure that the people who are the most behind it are liking the idea a little too much. I'd feel better if half of the Bush staff act like they think "Dr. Strangelove" was an inspirational movie. My feeling too is that most people- people here, people in Europe, people in the Middle East- all probably feel the same way. Except, of course, for most of the people who are marching.

Whenever I seem them out their protesting or read their pamphlets or Letters to the Editor, I just don't get any sense that they're really aware of the fact that Saddam is actually a bad guy. There's no sense of the reality of the situation. It's just a bunch of "war is bad" sloganeering, with a little anti-globalization and anti-Americanism on the side (not to mention anti-Israel stuff, but that's a whole other story). Most of the people, the hard-core protestors, were out protesting the bombing of Serbia during the Kosovo crisis and they were protesting the war in Afghanistan- two military actions I was down for. I mean, sometimes you gotta fight the good fight. And that's some of the saner things they believe in.

Which is probably the main reason I ain't marching. I know whose organizing it. I know what they believe and what they espouse. Hell, their headquarters are a couple of doors down from me. I ain't marching with the Socialist Party. I ain't marching with the Free Mumia fanatics, the Zionism=Racism people, nor the Queers Against Capitalism Against the War.

If there was a huge march for "Confused, Ambivelant People For Slowing Things Down" I'll be there for that. I'll even be there for the "People Who Have a Bad Feeling About This March" or the "We Just Want to Stick it George W. Bush March." But as for these rallies, I'm staying out of it.

Last week, I caught the last few minutes of last week's Real World. I know, I said I'd never do it again, but there was nothing else on. What Is Wrong With These People?

I'll save you the in's and out's (and I mean in-n-out if you know what I mean- nudge, nudge, wink, wink) of the love triangle goings on between Alton, Irulan and Gabe (trust me, you don't want to know), but there is something that is worth some consideration. In the episode, Alton, in a jealous fit, wound up hooking up with some random girl he had met in a bar. Brought her home, made his move, and schtupped her. The cameras caught it all- the scamming, the move, the hopping into bed, and the showing out the door of his conquest.

Now, it's one thing for someone to be on the show to hook-up with someone and have it being filmed on camera. They signed up for it, after all. It's another thing, entirely for someone who isn't on the show, someone who isn't even an important person in the realm of The Real World to hook-up with someone on the show. Hello? Cameras. Being broadcast on national TV. Basically, you just gave it up in front of millions of people.

But wait, it gets better.

Turns out too, the girl in question is a teacher. Which means that some kid's parents are gonna be watching the show only to be in shock when they realize that the girl caught getting her freak on is Jr's teacher. And that the same person who reads "Goodnight Moon" or whatever book teachers read to the kiddies these days (Bonsai?) also admitted on camera that up until doing the nasty with Alton, she hadn't had sex in over a year.

Now that ought to be one interesting PTA meeting. Won't someone think of the children?

But wait, it gets better. See, whenever someone who isn't in the cast appears on the show, they have to sign a release paper saying that they agree to be shown on the air. Which means that said Teacher hooked up with someone who was having cameras follow them, then had sex in a house entirely wired with cameras, and got her thong underwear caught on camera and when asked if it was okay for that to be shown in front of millions of people, said okay. In other words, she was so desperate to be on tv, that she was okay with coming off looking like a ho.

What is wrong with these people?

Well, well, well, look who came out against Affirmative Action- the President.

He even said in a speech that Affirmative Action is "divisive, unfair and impossible to square with the Constitution." I guess I could point out the obvious ironies in the fact that somebody who got everything out of life due to his family name including getting into Yale (or, hell, getting elected), but that would be too easy.

Do love this story, though, a front page story in the Washington Post about Condeeleza Rice helping to shape the policies. Look! Hey all you Black folks, it's really not that bad! An African American woman helped write the policies!

Which just proves that as usual, African Americans main role in the Republican Party is to do nothing but give cover to the silver-spooned trust fund twerps that make up the party.

I know, I know. Hate the game, not the playa.....

Remember everyone, a George divided against itself can not stand.

Conversation overhead at the yoga place between your standard Berkley hippie type (we'll call her BH) and an extremely Jewish-looking woman who is there almost every night (we'll call her BuJew).

BH: Where are you from?
BuJew: oh Chicago
BH: Really, where from? I went to Grad School there.
BuJew: (mentions some town, the name of which I can't remember)
BH: Huh, I never heard of it. Where is it?
BuJew: It's right outside of Chicago. The town's kind of, ummm, very, ummmm.......
BH: Jewish?
BUJew: Yeah. (they laugh).

Speaking of the Tribe, we turn with much amusement and excitement to the announcement of Joe Lieberman to run for President. First time a big-time, pretty serious Jew ran for the highest office in the land.

While this is certainly exciting news, I can't really say I'm that excited about his candidacy as the Senator does have a tendency to tend towards being insufferably pious. I am, however, excited about how this big ole country- the home of the free and the land of the Great American Melting Pot- reacts the running of a Super Jew.

What I can't wait for are the interviews with people who definitely won't vote for him because he's a Hebe, but, of course, won't come out and say it. Expect to hear lots of things like "I don't think he shares my values" or "he just doesn't come off as the Commander in Chief type" or even "his great-great-great-great-great-grandfather killed Christ."

As for whether he's gonna get anywhere, to paraphrase the mighty Daily Show in regards to Joe's wife, Hadassah, picture a reality in which you will actually hear this phrase "now, ladies and gentleman, the First Lady of the United States, Hadassah Lieberman."

Can't picture it, can you?

Oh, the fun it can be.

OH MY GOD!

Britney and Fred Durst dating!

Justin and Christina touring together!

Britney possibly dating dating both Fred and Justin!

What in the Wide, Wide World of sports is going on here?

This was an actual conversation that I had earlier this evening while bumping into someone who used to be IT support at the Publishing Company I used to work for:

Me: Oh, I finally got a job and I've been working for the past month and a half as a blah, blah, blah at blah, blah, blah.

Ex-Coworker: Oh really, that's cool.

Me: What are you doing?

Ex-Coworker: I'm a massage therapist.

Me: Oh really, where'd you get laid off from?

About that whole looking for a new Imaginary Movie Girlfriend thing....if Salma Hayek is reading this, call me!

After all, what does Edward Norton have that I don't have? Has ever been threatened to be sued because of what he wrote?

Didn't think so.

These are two actual quotes from Ari Fleischer, the smirking Harlequin who acts as the official voice of the White House.

On whether or not the Bush administration thinks Saddam has Weapons of Mass Destruction (or, what's commonly known as WMD):

"The president of the United States and the secretary of defense would not assert as plainly and bluntly as they have that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction if it was not true, and if they did not have a solid basis for saying it."

Got that?

And on whether or not the White House has a "smoking gun" pointing to hard-evidence that Saddam has WMD:

"The problem with guns that are hidden is you can't see their smoke."

Ahhh, brilliant....answering major foriegn policy questions with a zen koan. How deep. Let's see critics try to respond to that one.

Oy.

Captain Leisure e-mailed me to give me the bad news that my Movie Girlfriend, Jennifer Connelly, is sadly no longer available. Turns out she got married over the holidays to one of her co-stars in A Beautiful Mind, the guy who played the invisible friend.

Oh well. Guess it won't be Jon and Jennifer 4 Eva

He's gotta be kind of bummed, though, knowing that he married her way after her "surgery." Anyways, now that she's an Academy Award Actress for starring in a total shlocky, Oscar-bait flick (and it so is), it'll mean that from here-on out, she'll never star in a decent movie again. Nor will she have to show off her considerable assets again.

As for me, it looks like I am without a Movie Girlfriend. So, if any Hollywood starlets (especially with easily downloadable videos) want some 34 year old to be their Audience Boyfriend (in a completely un-psycho, non-stalker kind of way, of course), just drop me a line at hoorayforanything@yahoo.com.

I'm sure I'll be getting bombarded with e-mails any day now.

Oh no, say it ain't so Pete.

Gives kind of a whole new meaning to "Pictures of Lilly" doesn't it.

And the Bush Administration recoils in fear....

A cheeky protest: Bay Area anti-war activists go nude in surge of creative vigils

The whole thing happened in Marin too. I wonder how many of them drove their Hummers to the protest?

I really want to hate the new Bush economic plan, but I can't. I just don't understand it. I don't understand any of it. Economics are just totally beyond me. Ask me the name of James T. Kirk's brother and I can tell you (Sam) or ask me the meaning of Socrate's Allegory of the Cave (the shadows in the cave don't exist but that's what we see, which is a metaphor for the nature of existence and how we only see material things, not their true nature) and I can do that. But tax cuts, dividends, and trickle-down economics are beyond me.

I do know that I should probably hate it. Considering the source of the plan, I'm guessing that it really is weighted to super-rich and that all the claims of helping out the average Joe is complete shite. But I just can't make sense of it to really know. And yes, I do try and understand issues before I make a full decision. Knee-jerking just makes you plain ignorant.

In a time like this, it would be nice if we could turn to the news people and have them make sense of it all. They won't, however, be of any use. They hate economic stories. It's boring and is the kind of thing that makes viewers turn to Friends reruns faster than you can say "double-taxation on the dividend." Plus, some girls missing in California and who cares about economic policy when there's a missing white person out there.

The other problem is that even if the media were to report it, they wouldn't really help. The news media needs to appear balanced and objective about everything. As a result, they're unable to actually tell you what the what is (except of course, for Fox News, which convienantly tells you what to think). See, here's how the media works. Otherwise known as Why Nobody Watches the News Anymore

1) The White House Announces that 2 +2 = 5
2) The Democrats don’t say anything until they check the polls. Some will automatically say it's 4 and be attacked as "liberals". A few read the popularity of Bush's poll numbers and say that it's 5. A few others, again checking the poll numbers, say that it could be 4, but it could also be 5.
3) The news reports both
4) The news then interviews a bunch of experts. Everyone, of course, says that it's 4, but since the media has to show that they're balanced, they have to find an equal amount of people to say that it's really 5. Except for Fox News, though, who will only bring in experts who say it's five and then bring on Anne Coulter to denounce all the people who say it's 4 as evil, Commie, unpatriotic, Bin Laden lovers.
5) The news will then air out a bunch of pundits yelling at each other over what 2+2 equals. It will, of course, be equally divided between people who say four and five because they have to show that they're "balanced". Chris Mathews will brings on people who say it's 4, but you'll never know because he's too busy talking over them to hear what the expert says. Bill O'Reilly might interview someone who says it's 4, but will spend all of his time talking about how he grew up poor and how much smarter he is than anyone else. Howard Stern will interview a few lesbian porn-stars.
6)The Uber-left will say that it's 3 because all the global corporations say it's 4. They will then hold a bunch of teach-in's about how the media saying 2+2=4 impacts Mumia.
6) If afterwards the polls come out and say that most people think it's 4, Bush will threaten Iraq and issue another High Security Alert.

In other words, despite the plain fact that somewhere out there, there's a real answer and that 2 +2 =4, the press is completely functionally ill-equipped to let everyone know what the truth is. And as a result, the winner of any political fight basically boils down to whoever screams the most.

And you gotta give the Republicans a lot of credit on this one because they really know how to scream about things.

Today, in the middle of the afternoon, smack dab in the middle of the Steelers/Titans game, I got a phone call. It was from a Mortgage Home Loan company that apparently couldn't believe I haven't contacted them about using them for a home loan. Obviously, they don't read my blog.

Look, if you're gonna call me with some sales-pitch, you could at least do the trouble of making it seem like you have a clue as to who I am. It wouldn't take that long to find out that I am in absolutely no position whatsoever to buy a house. Or even think about owning a house. Or even care about owning a house. Among other things, I live in the Bay Area. Nobody can afford homes here. Then there's the whole being unemployed thing for a year. Hello?

The thing is that I can't really get that upset about the telemarketing company that made the call. Because it's not really the telemarketing company's doing. Now, it's not their fault that they're calling me in the middle of a Saturday afternoon pretending that I'd be a perfect person to apply for a home loan.

The person to blame for telemarketing, not to mention for junk mail and spam e-mail is you. No, not necessarily you, dear reader, but someone out there. It's the whole I've met the enemy and it's us type thing.

See, believe it or not, it actually does cost money to do telemarketing or junk-mail and spam-mail. There's got to be costs involved for a company to do it. Yeah, in the most cases the people who call you are either in prison or in Bangladesh or living in the middle of nowhere Alabama and getting paid minimum wage, but somehow, somewhere, there's people who are doing it. Somebody's compiling lists, somebody's designing and writing pitches and somebody's delivering the pitches. Not to mention renting space to do host the people and technology for these people to use. And all of this wouldn't be happening if it wasn't for the fact that somehow, in someway, it's actually paying off. In other words, there'd be no telemarketing, no junk mail, and no spam mail if it weren't for the fact that somebody, somewhere out there is actually going "huh, I do think I should talk to them about a home mortgage loan." Or somebody is saying "wow, a pre-approved credit-card, woo-hoo!" And even "gosh, I DO have a small penis." And so they actually take up the offer that they've been offered.

If nobody bought anything, none of these places would make any money. And if they weren't making money, they wouldn't afford to hire the people who call you right in the middle of Surreal Life or bombard you all day at work when your anxiously awaiting an important e-mail or jam up your mail box. But somebody, somewhere out there is buying it. And because of them, the rest of us have to put up with this crap.

So, to whomever is buying all this stuff- STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember what I said about needing a draft just to thin out the herd?

Add this girl to the list who of people who should be thrown into the front lines of the Iraqi Invasion.

GiveBoobs.com- Help a Girl Fill Out her Sweater (from the site- Do you want to decide the fate of a college girl's chest? Do you want to help give the world a pair of big beautiful breasts? Here is your chance to GIVE MICHEL BOOBS!)

Two words- cannon and fodder

and thanks to Brenda Elfgirl for the heads up on the story.

As I look through the various Year-End lists, this realization washes over me more and more- gosh, I am one hip dude.

Why, just look at the all-important bellwether list of all things "in", the Washington Post's The List. It says "blogging" is in. Been there, done that, have the battle scars from it. It also says that the mighty Television Without Pity (or, as we in the know call it "TwoP") is the hippest Web site around. Been there for years. Where else would I know that Elka lied about her marriage to Walter or that "Buffy" totally screwed up the time sequencing in their past four episodes? (Side note- apparently, the Donnas are out. When were they ever in? Did I miss that? When in between Britney and Avril Lavigne did the Donnas go in? And wouldn't it suck be someone whose pronounced as "out" before they ever "in?")

I've also noticed that right now the most talked about TV show is Curb Your Enthusiasm. Besides being on almost every Best Of list, it's even made it to such pop heights that The Sports Guy on ESPN.com often references it (by the way, I read him before he was on ESPN.com- even e-mailed him a few times- and now he's so popular, he's going to LA to become a TV writer. Dude, you have the best job in the world, what the fuck are you thinking and can I have your job?). While I can't say I've watched the show from the get-go, I am now a slavishly devoted watcher convinced that Larry David is God. "You're my Caucasian" indeed. Speaking of ESPN, I've noticed that "Pardon the Interruption" is not only getting props for being such a great show, but is totally being copied everywhere. I tape it every day.

I own a leather jacket. I like dive bars. I work for a company that sponsors racecars. And I've seen every episode of "Behind the Music." I am so hip it's amazing.

Too bad that in order to be so hip, it means not actually having a life. But hey, who cares when you're hip?

Okay, yeah, I admit it. I watched the last ten minutes of Joe Millionaire. What can I say, I'm still a little sickish. And what a final ten minutes it was as Joe Millionaire whittled down his choices from twenty beautiful (not to mention deeply intelligent and self-respecting) women to ten. Life's a bitch.

I have to admit, the idea is kind of intriguing. Now, not that I'm gonna watch it (I mean it). Besides, do you really have to watch any episode other than the last one, the one where everyone finds out that he's really a construction worker? (yeah, like that guy's a construction worker. That guy's got acter/model-soon-to-be-seen-fake-boffing Gabriella Hall on-Skinemax-any day-now written all over him). Because the whole show is basically created just so we can watch people's faces when they realize that the rich dude is really a poor dude and not only have they been humiliated and revealed as gold-diggers, but humiliated and revealed as gold-diggers on national TV. That's where the money shot will be.

Do you think the women who signed up to do it had to sign some sort of "please don't sue us for making you out to be idiots" form before they appeared. And if they did, what did it say? It's not like they could say something like "oh, and please don’t' sue us if, say, the guy doesn't turn out to be rich" or "we're not saying that there's gonna be a big surprise at the end, but just in case there is, sign here." Cause you know someone's gotta be pissed. Unless, of course, that everyone's so excited to be on TV that they won't mind being made out to look like idiots. Wait, check that thought.

And what about the girls who got dissed at the get-go? Do you think, in retrospect, they were happy they got dissed early on? Cause while they didn't get their fifteen minutes of fame, they didn't get humiliated. Kind of a blessing in disguise, I guess. And what does it say that they got rejected? That some construction guy pretending to be a Millionaire didn't like them. Is that a good or a bad thing?

Finally, I can see one fatal flaw with this program- no sequel. It's not like they could do this again because everyone who would be interested knows what's up. Unless, of course, they called it something like "Schmoe Billionaire" or "Bob the Construction Worker Who Pretends He's Rich."

Don't know how I missed this, but I did. Must be losing my touch.

Anyways, the Comical ran a story about the Hummer 2, three tons of car and a whopping ten miles to the gallon. Turns out, the Hummer 2 is really popular in organic food eating, Johnny Walker breeding, Al Gore voting Marin. I know, I'm shocked! Shocked! by this revelation.

Despite the overwhelmingly Green sentiments of Marin, the Hummer is really popular. Kind of ironical, if you know what I mean. Or maybe not really.

Of course, the usual reasons are given for the popularity of the Hummer in Marin. People have kids to pick up from Soccer games, after all. And there's all the safety that comes with driving something built for combat. And don't forget about the whole rugged aspect that you get in owning one. As a Hummer salesman says, the popularity of the Hummer is because "…my clients like to know that if they had to get off Highway 101 and go over Mount Tam, they could. That's where it turns into a family insurance policy. Eighty percent of my clients are Marin couples with families." Which, by the way, is a really popular thing to do in Marin. Because families love nothing more than going off-roading.

(I've actually gone off-roading with a friend in his Range Rover. You know what? It was pretty frickin' boring. It's just driving around really slowly just to get jostled all over the place.)

The story actually quotes a member of the Sierra Party who owns one because he "and his wife like to go off-road to look at birds" (although how many birds would be around when someone drives one of those things into the woods is another story.) "I'm a Sierra Club member," said Bernstein, who noted that he avoids such disposables as paper cups. "You can be environmentally correct and drive a Hummer." That's a pretty typical San Franciscan/Marin County philosophy right there- the picking and choosing of your sanctimony

All of this, however, should prove conclusively that Marin County is just as Apple Pie American as everywhere else in the country. After all, what's more American than believing in self-sacrifice and serving a common good just as long as it's somebody else who gets to do it?

And what could be more American than the belief the gosh darnit, the environment is really important and doing what it takes to end the craziness in the Middle East is all fine and good, but What About the Children? Can't anybody save the children?

Sadly, I didn't come up with this brilliant insight, a letter to the editor in today's paper did, but I have to give it it's props. The writer thinks that the whole Hummer 2 is proof that this country needs a draft. Because while all those families that drive these gas-guzzling monster's do so because it's a way of shielding their children from harm, somebody else's kids are the one's who have to fight the ward the gas-guzzling cars lead us to. After all, it's easy to act out of a huge amount of safety for the children and buy a huge, armored truck. It's a whole other thing to actually send their kids off to die protecting the right to do so. And the chances of anyone one of those soccer playing kids joining the Military to fight in Iraq is roughly the same equivelant that some woman signed up to do Joe Millionaire because she was just looking for love, not for money.

I knew it! I knew it! I knew that there should have been a pass interference call on the last play of the Niners game. The guy on the Niners pretty much dragged the guy down before the ball could get to him. And now the NFL has pretty much come out and admitted as much. Which is really nice of them. I'd hate to be the guy who makes the call to the Giants coach, Jim Fassel "hi Jim, guess what, we blew the call. You should have had another play. Sorry. Have a good year!"

Question, though- the NFL goes to all this trouble to have instant replay, a thing which I don't particularly like, but despite it all and despite the hassle that instant replay brings, two of the games turned on blown calls. And I'm wonder, the point behind instant replay is what again…….

As for the fucked up call, while it is a shame, it'll only add to the legend of the game- and it will be one of those legendary games that people will talk about for years and years, especially here. Does the missed call, however, detract from the game or only add to the legend? Or will it take away from the game, like how last year's Pats/Raiders game will forever be known as the Tuck game despite the fact it was an incredible game despite the one lame-ass call.

And yes, I got a lot of sympathy for the loss by my team, the Browns. Which is really nice of my friends, but not needed. For being a Browns fan means, like being a Red Sox fan, that the worst possible thing will happen, it's just a matter of when and how. And yes, it also means that, just like Red Sox will forever be haunted by images of Billy Buck and Bucky Dent, we Browns fans will always have be haunted by the constant footage of the Drive, and Red Right 88. In a strange sort of way, considering the path that the Browns have traveled since the evil Satan Art Modell moved the team, yesterday's game only confirmed that the universe still works as it always has. All is right in the world.

Wowzer, what a bunch of football games.

As I watched the Niners game (man, what an ending), I couldn't help notice the oh-so-typical shots of San Francisco coming out of a commercial break. They always do something like that during the game, even if it's held in St. Louis or Houston where there's pretty much not a single thing to show (what would they show of Houston, an air-conditioning unit?). The shot was the oh-so-typical shot of Fisherman's Wharf. Everytime there's a game in SF, it's either Fisherman's Wharf or Cable Cars. Yawn.

I know, I know, it's Postcard San Francisco, the San Francisco everyone always thinks is San Francisco. We who live here, however, know that that San Francisco barely exists. Nobody in SF ever goes near Fisherman's Wharf and most locals know it's too freaking cold to ever go on a Cable Car.

What they should do, if they want to truly show the San Francisco Flavor, is show real San Francisco.

I propose that for the next game, they show-

1) Hairy fat guys in a Leather Bar somewhere off Folsom
2) Ratty looking skate punkers with dirty clothes and bad complexion trying to sell everyone buds and doses
3) Bunch of pierced and tatooed people in a coffee shop somewhere in the Mission talking about how football is merely a representation of the masculine, Heterosexual Paradigm and that it only perpetuates the Patriarchial Global-Industrial Corporatazation of the World and is just a distraction created by the Military Industrial Complex to keep people from thinking for themselves. Not to mention freeing Mumia.
4) All the empty offices near South Park, done in by the dot.com crash
5) Homeless people, Homeless people, and more homeless people!

And Saturday's Big Cable Movie that Kept Me In Bed- V, that great mini-series from the early 80's about alien invaders. The one's who look human but turn out to be people eating lizards that eat mice for snacks.

Man, that was some good shit.

Thing is, despite the occasional cheesy special effect or bad dialogue, it still holds up. It's still pretty darn good. It's the whole Nazi/Holocaust allegory that takes it way beyond Independence Day. And half the fun is watching people slowly figure out that "To Serve Man" is a cookbook, as it were.

Not to mention that way back when, I had a huge, just hitting puberty crush on the cute blonde scientist/Liberation leader. Especially when she gets captured and put into the skin-fitting white suit that the alien's use to brainwash here. Mmmm…..skin-fitting white suits.

Oh wait, where was I.

Thing was, it started at like 10:30 and they were showing the whole mini-series. From space-ships just showing up to the Vive La Resistance ending. I could watch the whole thing, but that would just be too lazy (I do have standards, you know). Plus, my back was killing me from all the TV watching in bed that I've been doing lately, so I just did what every smart, tech savvy person would do- recorded it.

And yes, it is kind of scary that when I did a search for the actress in Google, I just knew-knew- that I'd find a picture of her in the skin-fitting white suit.

I don't know whether it's just me, it's a certain type of people, or it's one of those Universal Things, but for whatever reason, I always seem to find myself with some kind of finger cut. I think I wear a band-aid on my finger for about 25% of the year.

The weird thing, though, is that usually I don't know how I cut myself. I'll be sitting somewhere and while glancing at a finger or two, realize that I'm suddenly bleeding. I have no idea how or why, but somehow, I managed to knick myself.

I do, sometimes, know it's coming. Like when I was at work and was given an exacto knife to open up packaging. I could have just gotten the band-aid ready because I knew what was gonna happen would be inevitable. Like Nick Cage and Lisa Marie not making it for more than a year. Me and sharp objects just don't see eye to eye. It's one of the reasons why I stopped being a Graphic Artist, because it meant having to use an exacto knife too many times for my health.

I bring this up because, yes, I am now with band-aid. Don't know what the hell I did to deserve it either.

Couple of interesting news stories in today's Comical, none of which I can actually find on their Web site because their Web site sucks.

Jack Ass Blasts "Jackass"- Apparently some guy legally changed his name to Jack Ass. He did this to help his personal crusade against drunk driving. Turns out thatMr. Ass (the Ass Man?) is suing the makers of the TV Show Jackass because, I guess, they are impugning the name Jack Ass.

Make up your own punch-line here because there's just too…many….jokes…to…make…..

(like: and lawyers don't know why people hate them? Or, if Irony is dead, can we please bring it back?)

US Combat Pilots on Speed- Need for Speed Did Amphetamines Play a Role in Afghanistan Friendly Fire Incident? - Yeah, baby, yeah! Gives new meaning to the phrase "Up, Up and Away." If the Air Force needs to recruit more people, I guess they can no go after the lucrative Speed Freak population. How's this for a slogan- "Wanna Take Uppers Legally and Kill People? Join the Air Force!" Who wouldn't be up for that?

US seeks to know more about citizens' travel- Oh wait, there's nothing funny about this.

Was gonna post another anti-80's revival screed, this time inspired by the cover story in this week's SF Weekly. I mean, I watched "About Last Night" the other night. We're talking Brat Pack, cheesy synth laden songs about living for every moment, and James Belushi as a supposed womanizer. I know whereof I speak.

But, I have to admit I kind of enjoyed the "I Love the '80's" marathon on VH-1 on New Year's Day. What can I say? I gotta give my props to a show that praises the genius that is Stripes and acknowledges the importance of the scene in Fast Times in Ridgemont High where Phoebe Cates comes out of the swimming pool. As every Gen X male was hitting puberty just around that time, that scene is all sheared into our memories. (OT- the one problem with getting suckered into Marathon's like that is that if you watch, say, more than an hour or two, you feel like you gotta stick around and watch the whole thing. After all, there's like only a few more episodes left and you've made it this far. Which is why everytime you get suckered into them, you always wind up wondering where exactly did the day go.)

You know, it's kind of funny about this whole '80s revivial thing. When you talk to people who are into it and go to clubs that feature the music, the people all say the same thing. They'll tell you "oh, I'm not really into the popular stuff, I only like listening to the obscure stuff" and then they'll tell you about how they only want to listen to 12 minute Depeche Mode French dance remixes. They, of course, just absolutely hate hearing "Come on Eillleen." Riiiiiiiight. Which is why I always hear those songs at 80's type things.

Here's the thing about a lot of the so-called '80s revival. Years ago, friends and I threw an 80's party. Before it was fashionable (we were cool like that). When we told people that we were throwing an '80s party, everyone said the same kind of stuff: "Oh, I love that music, I can't wait to hear (insert English/American Indie cult band here)." Then we threw the party. The song that rocked the house, the song that had everyone singing along, the song that was the undisputed highlight of the night: Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer."

Oh come on, you know you love it.

She says: We've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot
We're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer

PS- In high school, friends and I actually did the Jeff Spicolli thing and ordered pizza to be delivered right in the middle of our Final Exam. Yeah, it was the last test of Senior Year, but you still gotta give us some props. It was, after all, A.P. History. The teacher didn't quite get it, but the pizza was mighty yummy.

Man, I am one tired mofo. All I do is sleep and all I want to do when I'm not sleeping is sleep. I'm half-awake when I'm awake and half asleep when I'm not half-awake. When I don't have to get up for work, I can't get out of bed and have easily been rolling out of bed around noon.

I don't know weather it's the cold and the rain, the season, the crazy job, or just making up for all the sleep that I missed out on last year, but all I can say is that I wish I could wake up now. This being tired all the time is tiring me out.

Just saw this in tomorrow's New York Times-
Foes of Abortion Push for Major Bills in Congress
WASHINGTON, Jan. 1 — Galvanized by the Republican takeover of the Senate, opponents of abortion are preparing a major push for new abortion restrictions in the next Congress, beginning with a ban on the type of medical procedure they call partial birth abortion.

Again, how you feeling these days Green Party People?

I know, I know the election was two years ago and the Democrats have only themselves to blame for a lot of this mess, but still......

When I was younger, so much younger than before, New Year's Eve was a big deal. After college, my college friends and I would throw down these big, epic ragers that live on in infamy. They were such a big deal that we decided to pack it up for a few days and go up to Bear Valley. We'd rent two or three cabins and party non-stop. We partied so hard and so well that all of us have pretty much eliminated ourselves from elective office. Videos and photos do exist.

We even had a New Year's Tradition. For the party seeing 1991 turn into 1992, the women-folk got pissed at the men-folk's desire to crank up the Grateful Dead's New Years Eve concerts and conspired to take over the stereo and crank Madonna's "Holiday" as the New Year began. It was at the same party where someone brought a cigar box full of joints and handed them out to everyone with the stipulation that they couldn't smoke it till Midnight. Midnight came, the joints got lit and Madonna came on. Ever since that party, "Holiday" was the song that got played every New Year.

As we got older, though, the partying slowed down a bit. Too many people didn't want to deal with the trip and the partying. Actually, the biggest complaint was that there weren't enough beds and it was too difficult to get any sleep during those days. So we stopped going up to Bear Valley and brought it back to the City. Those were fun too, but not nearly the non-stop bacchanalia's as before. They were fun enough, though, even though my roommates would throw parties in the apartment I lived in, full-on ragers with DJ's, lots of people on X and my bedroom turned into a dance floor, I'd go hang with my friends. The only year I was planning on going to the party in my apartment, I came down with the flu and spent it on a friend's bed watching "Lethal Weapon III" (God, what an awful movie).

For the Millennium, my friends and I got all gussied up in Tuxes and went to some big Society type thing at the Culinary Academy. The food was yummy, the drinks cheap, but I mainly remember that night for facing the dilemma of not knowing what to do when some woman I was chatting up told me she worked for a Republican congressman- a really Conservative one too. I did what I had to do- I bailed. The year after that, to usher in 2001, Homey and his roommates threw another legendary party, the highlight of which was the throwing of a TV from the balcony into the backyard at the stroke of midnight. Now that's something you don't see every day.

Last year, I went and hung with the college friends again. This time, it was a little different than before. I realized pretty early on that all of the women there were either married with kids or pregnant. Kind of fun, but not really. Especially considering that the partying didn't really start til the kids were fast asleep. That year I decided I wasn't going to do the New Year's thing with the College friends again. I love them all, but it's just not the same.

So now this year rolls around. It's New Year's Eve. It's the big night. Or, at least, it's supposed to be a Big Night. In a way, New Year's Eve is way over-hyped. We're supposed to have one of these epic nights, like when you party like Romans or run through a rain-storm to tell Sally that you love her, but in most cases, it's never like that. Luckily, I've had pretty good times on New Year's Eve, but as I talked to other people this week, most people haven't been so lucky.

This year, I got nothing. College friends and their babies are in SB, don't know what's up with my old roommates, and my other friends had kind of meh plans. That is the few who I talked to because I didn't really have time to deal with figuring out plans this year. Crazy thing about my job is that things have been so busy at work that it's almost like the holidays don't exist. So I'm staying in tonight. Kind of all bah-humbuggy about the New Year's thing. All this despite the fact that from everywhere outside my window, I can hear people partying like it's 2002. And all this despite the voice in my head telling me what it tells everyone else, that it's New Year's Eve and it's a BIG DEAL.

Thing is, I'm kind of okay with it. I'm tired, a little burnt-out, and feeling kind of schleppy. Today was a long, hellish day at work and there was two-hours of Buffy on. Besides, as I said, there wasn't really that much I could find to do.

Still, I wonder- is this just a sign that I'm getting older or a sign that I'm a loser?

Anyways, happy New Year.

Holiday, celebrate. Holiday, celebrate.

If we took a holiday, took some time to celebrate,
Just one day out of life, it would be, it would be so nice.

Everybody spread the word, we're gonna have a celebration,
All across the world, in every nation.
It's time for the good times, forget about the bad times, oh yeah,
One day to come together, to release the pressure, we need a holiday.