So, yeah, The Two Towers….

I'm not exactly sure I can really say anything about it, let alone say anything reviewish about it. In fact, I probably won't be able to do it until I see it for the second time. It's hard to think critically when your mind is being blown into a billion directions. It's just …epic. Big E, small e- epic. And oy it's long. Three hours of epicness.

This movie is exhausting. And it's not just the length, it's just that almost every scene, every couple of minutes, there's some big, huge epic moment where the music rises and the camera zooms in and all the characters look as if the weight of the world is upon the shoulders. Which it is, of course, but at times, it's almost kind of a parody. Like Frodo would emerge out of the woods and say "wow, Samgee, I just took the biggest shit" and then the music would swell and rise as if the fate of Middle Earth rested on that shit. Of course, that's what makes the movie what it- money shot after money-shot after money-shot. I didn't want to go to the bathroom during the movie because I was afraid I'd miss something amazing.

In some ways it's not as good as the first movie- less of straight-line story and not as much forward movement. In other ways, it's better- less exposition and man oh man, what a battle scene. It ranks up there with the battle scenes in "Saving Private Ryan," "Apocalypse Now" and Kurosawa flicks in terms of sheer oh-my-God-ness (and yes, I have seen Kurosawa flicks and the guys' battle scenes are pretty kick-ass). You can't but help get a feeling of dread when you see the hordes of Orcs approach Helm's Deep. And during the battle you keep on thinking that if you were in the exact position, you'd be the scared guy in Aliens, looking for the easiest way out and constantly telling everyone how fucked you are.

Yeah, there are quibbles. My friends who I saw it with spent a large part of the time after the movie dissecting it and tearing it apart, like any fan-geek on a message board complaining about minor plot consistencies on "Buffy." It is the middle movie and does have major Jan Brady issues. But what do you expect? We've had almost six hours of movies and it's impossible to do six hours of film without having some problems. Especially when it's based on a book that millions of people have read at least twice. Some of the quibbles I don't buy. Like the complaint about how during the battle scenes Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas seem to have it too easy killing the Orcs (as if the Imperial Storm Troopers weren't the worst shots in the universe). I'm also okay with some of the story changes, even the Aragorn and Arwen love bit because who wouldn't fall in love with an Elven Princess? Especially when they look like Liv Tyler (Elven women are hippie chicks except they shower and shave don't have that anemic thing going due to an overabundance of tofu in their diets).

Some of the quibbles, however, I do share- like the Rohan sets were a bit underwhelming and little too Ren Faire. Or that the movie lacks magic (as in Elven magic or Gandalf magic) because it's main concern is with the battles of Men. Then there's Gimli as comic relief which gets a bit too much C-3PO'ish for my taste. And don't even get me started on the hair. With all the flowing haircuts and robes I sometimes thought I was watching a production of Jesus Christ Superstar


But so what? It doesn't matter. Once this whole thing is over next year, we're gonna be looking at one of the greatest cinematic events in movie history. That is, of course, if the director doesn't blow it with Return of the King, which I seriously doubt (memo to Peter Jackson- no Ewok's). Which is what blows me away the most, the level of film making. We're talking about the fact that somehow, somebody took one of the most beloved and read novels in the world and put it all onto film. Just think of the many ways the movie could go wrong or the expectations of the people who'd see the flick would get blown. One false move- like say putting Ben Afleck in the role of Frodo or adding Ewok's to get the kiddies and you're gonna have one very pissed off fan-base. Not to mention a film company that blew $300 million bucks on a movie that blows.

Yet it's better than good. It's fucking great. It's everything the books should be as a flick and everything you could hope for. It's what happens when a guy with talent and an incredible imagination is given enough money to do whatever the hell he wants to do. The movie's are even so good that once they're done, they could probably stand alone without the books. And it's all due to Peter Jackson. The guy is a stud. It's like he was put onto this earth just for the express purpose of making these movies. He's got all the detail and imagination that Lucas put into Star Wars I and II (afterwards, we had all talked about the fact that every single character except the Elves looked really dirty and even their fingernails were full of dirt), but whereas Lucas comes off as not giving a crap about dialogue, acting or anything that doesn't involve cool-ass space ships, Jackson does. And whereas the guy who does the Harry Potter movies does a good job adapting the books, there's nothing else to the movies other than the books. There's no life, no imagination to them. There's no sense of poetry or artistry in either of those franchises, yet there is in the LoTR flicks. Every shot, every moment, every scene has something to it, whether it be an amazing visual thing or a poignant moment between characters. There's not a single frame in the movie in which Jackson doesn't pour his soul, and that of everyone whose ever read the books, into it. From the first swooping camera shot over the mountains that starts the movie, you get that "oh yeah" feeling, the feeling that comes knowing that you're about to be taken on a wild ride by someone who has complete confidence in what they're doing. Instead of cowering behind the weight of the book, Jackson dives fully into it, goes for broke, and goes for not just a home run, but a Barry Bonds into the Bay home run with bases loaded and the game in the late innings. He's aiming for a Roy Hobbs home-run that blasts the light stands

These movies aren't just movies, there something else entirely. I don't know what they are, but to compare something like The Two Towers to your run-of-the-hill Hollywood flick (see recent Sandra Bullock flick, or hell, any Sandra Bullock flick) just isn't right. They're miles beyond anything else out there. It's everything film promises as a medium.

Did I mention I loved the movie?