This was written about three weeks ago. I haven't been able to post it up til now…..

They got me. They finally got me. After years of pooh-poohing even the thought of it, saying I'd never do it on general principle, I had to do it. I finally had to do the ole piss in the cup thing. El testo de druggio.

I knew I'd have to- it was on my acceptance letter- so it wasn't like a big surprise. Everyone at work told me not to worry about it, that nobody had ever failed it, and I have been a really good boy lately, but part of me was just a teensy bit worried. Everything else has gone wrong, why not failing a drug test? I know they were just checking to make sure the people they hired weren't, say, pulling a Christophuh and riding the Horse all day, but I'm way past the point of being rational about things like this.

On my first day of work, during my Orientation meeting with the HR person, I got it- the referral slip and the map to where I had to go. It was conveniently located way in the middle of fucking nowhere- somewhere in South San Francisco near the airport. There was no other place to do it

The big question, though, was when. I had a week to do it. Luckily, if I take the bus I normally take farther down the line, it would stop by the clinic. I'm not, however, to keen on taking a bus route I don't know very well, to a place I don't know very well, with only a rudimentary schedule. And did I mention that tonight's new Buffy? Not only new Buffy, but Sweeps Week, Spike-is-so-gonna- get-it Buffy. There was no way in hell I was gonna miss it. But I also I know that if I didn't do it tonight, I would never do it. I'm just that way. Plus, as it was my first day of work I was gonna get out of work earlier than normal. So off I went. If everything broke right, I could pull it all off.

First thing went right and I got the bus pretty quickly. Not much of a wait. Next came the first big fun of the night- knowing when to get off the bus. I had a basic map and instructions, but I still didn't know I to get off. I so love being on a bus, going in the completely opposite direction of my home, not knowing where I'm going or when to get off. When it came to the moment where I thought I should get off, I asked the bus driver, got the info, and got off where I was supposed to. So far, so good.

The place I had to do it in was some sterile clinic way off the beaten track. I had to pass a bunch of warehouses just to get there. The place was all white & halogen bright and there weren't many people there. I just might be able to pull this off.

I gave them my name and referral slip and went to go wait. My name was quickly called and up I went, into the back. An overly-made up but still pretty Hispanic girl took me into the back, gave me the cup, and told me to go into the bathroom and do my thing. I thought about asking for a magazine to help as a joke (think about it), but chickened out. Off I went, into the bathroom. Just me and the cup.

Problem. I didn't realize I had to piss just enough to make it to a line on the cup. Someone at work made a joke about not pissing before I left because she did and had to wait a half an hour before she could fill it all the way to the line, but I didn't take it seriously. I am sick and have been drinking tea all day, but it also means, I've also been pissing all day, including right before I left. And 2 hours to go til Buffy with God only knows how long of a commute back.

Come one ole faithful.

Ole faithful came through. Filled it to the rim with brim. I proudly brought the cup back to the pretty Hispanic girl who poured the contents into a vial. Poor girl- that was her job. She was a Piss Pourer. I wonder just how much piss she had to pour during the average day. I wonder how many times she scrubbed her hands just to make sure. I wonder if that's how she ever thought she'd grow up into being. She told me to flush whatever was left into the toilet and away I went.

The bus came pretty quickly. Only a fifteen minute wait, which wasn't bad considering I watched a bus pull away from the stop just as I left the clinic. Made it in back plenty of time to watch my beloved Buffy too.

Still, I can't but help add it all up. It took me about two and a half hours for me to get from my office back to home. All for fifteen seconds of pissing.

Is that right?