As we now find ourselves celebrating the Queen's Jubilee (yes, I know she's not technically our Queen as we fought a revolution for the very right to not have her as our Queen, but we still get the Royal Family shoved down our throats enough times that it sometimes feels like she's ours), it's now time to ponder something that's always made me ponder-

What the fuck is a "Royal Watcher?"

What is a Royal Watcher? They're the one's who get trotted out everytime something happens to the Royal Family, deemed experts on the Royal Family, and interviewed. Their the one's supposedly in the know of the inner workings of the family- of who Wills is boinking and whether Camilla can ever come out in public, of the latest in Diana dirt and the size of the Queen Mum's hat. In short, they are experts in everything dealing with the Royal Family. They're like Peter Gammons on ESPN or famous Constitutional Scholar Lawrence Tribe, except substitute really important things with something really dumb and useless (and don't even tell me Gammons isn't important because it's SO not true).

How does one become a Royal Watcher. Do people grow up and dream of someday being an expert in the Queen's diet? Are there courses you have to take to become one? Like "High Tea with Royalty" or "The Windsor Family Tree?" Can you major in it?

Or do people just become Royal Watchers. Like they're such incredible suck-ups and hangers-on, they've made a career out of it. They're like overgrown high school girls- the one's who weren't really that cool but spent all their time trying to be cool that they somehow managed to hang out with all the cool kids just out of sheer force of will. And they worked so hard at it that they're still clinging onto whose cool and who isn't and still endlessly gossiping about all the people who are much cooler than.

And finally, what do they do? I guess some of them write columns in British Tabloids but other than one Wills & Harry fucking up in school or the latest Charles & Camilla rumour, what is there to really write about unless one of the dies? It's not like the Royal Family, especially Elizabeth, ever really do anything other than attend funerals and wave. It seems like all they do is just hang out, find out all the latest Royal gossip, and then sit by the phone for Larry King to call. Can you really make a career out of being a Royal Watcher.

Either way, just where would we be without them? Thank God for the Royal Watcher.