Today in the Chron there’s, a whole bunch of New Years type horoscopes. While not the biggest of astrological believer, it’s still pretty interesting to see what kind of year I can look forward to. All I can is that 2004 is looking like an exciting year.

According to this Horoscope, this year will be “Green”. I'm so excited. I will also see last year's (meaning this year's) “hard earned gains be solidified.” Unfortunately, I’m not exactly sure what that means because the only thing I’ve gained this year is huge credit card debt. Not sure I want to see that solidified. This year also “promises luck with both family and real estate.” Woo to the hoo.

And then there’s this horoscope, which is almost scarily precise. Among other things, March 20 will be the day that “Mars, Mr. Aggressive, charges headlong into your sign. You better believe the earth will move for you. This very special spring equinox finds you kicking tail and taking names.” Watch out world!

On my birthday, June 17th, I am told that not only will it be my birthday, but I will “make a financial decision that will affect the next two years.” No mention of what this means for those of us who have no finances to make a decision about. But wait, there’s more. And on Nov. 26th I should “Enjoy -- hopefully! -- a pleasant preview …. when the full moon beams directly on you.” How exciting! I wonder, however, that while I have three big days to look forward to, even one when the full moon beams directly on me, what about the other 362 days of the year? Will something happen on those days too? Should I even bother to get out of bed next year? Oh wait, it also looks like it’ll be the year that I’ll "get lucky in real estate. (Even if it's "just" a larger apartment.)” While exciting, I’d much prefer, oh a job. It is a little hard to be excited about getting lucky in real estate when right now I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to pay the rent at the end of the month.

And finally, there is my Party Horoscope, which, as we all know, is the most important Horoscope there is. Turns out that this is the year I should hang out a lot at the Grand Café (wherever that is.) Why? Because, as my Horoscope tells me, it’s the kind of place that’s full of “ghosts of every lover you've ever had or wished you'd had" Quelle fun. I know there’s nothing more exciting than being haunted by exes and blown chances. To think, I usually ask the doctor for pills whenever that happens. I can also expect to find there "a bevy of other beautiful people, the kind you pray you'll be seated beside at doubtful dinner parties.” So by going there, besides being haunted by Ghosts of Failures Past, I get to hang out with Beautiful People too. When can I start hanging out there?

If that doesn’t sell me yet, I should know that “Grand Cafe bartenders have a knack for turning juniper berries into pure silk.” Which is great, but what do they have on tap? And what sort of Astrological Significance does going to Dr. Bombay’s have?