Went to an MC Battle last night, straight out of “8 Mile.” It was a lot of fun. First off, the music was totally cool- old skool hip hop and R&B tunes that hadn’t been killed by excessive playing in Yuppie bars. And then there were the contestants. Man, they were good. Not that I’m an expert in any of this, but you gotta give your props to someone who busts out a rhyme like “rockin’ your clothes from Abercrombie & Fitch” or “that haircut makes you look like Dewey on ‘Malcolm and the Middle’” out of thin air. At one point, one of the contestants hit it so well his first time up that his opponent just gave up and wouldn’t do his second rhyme. Another contest was deemed a tie and so the guy who was running it made both contestants do some sort of rap show-down where they’d have four beats each and go at it until the DJ stopped it.

But then the voice came. That “You’re 35 voice.” The voice that tells me that even though I’ve been spending most of the previous week cranking 50 Cent’s CD, utterly convinced that “In Da Club” maybe one of the greatest songs ever recorded, then hitting a hip-hop club full of 24 year old fly girls with flashes of bling and their 24 year old Beany wearing B Boy boyfriends, I shouldn’t be. Because I’m 35. And not only that, I’m 35 years old and white. Jesus, the jacket I wore to the thing was an Old Navy jacket. Does it get anymore Caucasian? I’m too old for this. I’m too old and too white to even pretend I know what’s going on or dance to any of this. I should be dressing nicely and going to nice restaurants and snotty hip bars that serve martinis and wine. I should be spending my nights not going to clubs but seeing cultural events. Listening to Coldplay, not 50 Cent.

What in the hell was I doing there and how in the hell has my life gotten to the point where I’m clubbin’ with kids ten years younger than me?

Eh, whatever.

Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go shorty
It's your birthday
We gon' party like it's yo birthday
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday
And you know we don't give a fuck
It's not your birthday!