Since man has crawled out of the primordial ooze, the male has been told that it's not size that matters, it's what you do with it. Knowing how insecure the male is towards all things big and small, every male is taught since an early age that dick-size means nothing. That you may think you have a small dick, and other people might think you have a small dick, but that it doesn't really matter. Women don't care. So don't worry about it. Don't measure yourself with your friends, don't feel inadequate when showering with black guys in the gym, don't overcompensate by buying European convertible sports cars. It just doesn't matter.

But wait, everything we were told is wrong. Size does matter. It is a big deal.

Why do I know this? Because I keep on getting e-mails telling me that it is.

Every day, I get about four to five e-mails from people telling me it does matter and that I'm just not satisfying enough to women because I have a small penis. Somehow I've gotten on the "small penis" mailing list so somebody out there must know something about me that I didn't realize before. And just how did I get on this list? Did I click on a Web site that's known for being frequented by people with small penises? Is someone who would know trying to tell me something and if so, haven't they heard of shrinkage?

And it's not just via e-mail. I'm seeing more and more ads in the paper telling me the exact same thing, that if I wanted to be more manly, I have to get my penis enlarged. And last night, as I was flipping through the channels at about 1:30 in the morning, I even saw an informercial about it. Yep, the whole penis enlargement industry is going big time. Hosted by Ron Jeremy himself, as well as some female porn star who I don't know because I, of course, never watch porn and wouldn't know one female porn star from another, telling men about this and that and about how if I ordered now, I'd be able to get some FDA approved supplement that'll make me the sex stud that I've always wanted to be. I could be like Ron.

Isn't it great that some people out there managed to get the money out there to totally prey on male insecurities and make them feel like they had to get something that they never really needed in the first place? What with going bald and beer bellies, don’t' we have enough to worry about? Fuckers. I mean, it doesn't matter, right?

Right?