So there was an article in the paper the other day about they're being controversy over the handing out of free condoms at the Olympics. Seems every Olympics, the Powers that Be hand out free condoms to the athletes as part of their welcoming kit. This, however, isn't going over very well in Utah. Guess handing out free condoms to Olympic athletes doesn't quite jive with uptight morality police in Utah. Don’t' want any condoning of pre-marital sex. Don't want any athletes to think it's cool to hook up with 20-year old Swedish chicks at a club after they've hurtled down a luge run at 100 mph. All of which explains to me just why these upcoming Olympic games are gonna be a disaster in the making.

Let's just come right out and say it- holding them in Utah, bad idea. Very bad idea. Whose bright idea was that one anyways (oh right, Utah bribed the IOC)? If you were a country and wanted to host an Olympic event, Utah would be one of the last places you'd hold it. Utah is the messy room in the house you don’t want guests to see. Utah is the totally freaky friend of yours you don't want other people to meet. Too backward ass. Too full of uptight religious freaks. Not exactly a place synonymous with fun, partying, openness and debauchery. This is a place, after all, that has a porn Czar especially designed to keep porn out of the state. This is a place where they have specially designed video stores that show cut versions of movies so a family could see, say, "Saving Private Ryan" without any of the blood and gore. And most importantly, this is a state where it's still difficult to buy booze.

And this is the state that's gonna host a two week party for the world. Good idea. And not just any party, the Winter Olympics. Which is made up predominately of Europeans. An area full of countries known for it's openness and tolerance, for alcohol having a prominent place in the society's culture, and for a place full of people who like nothing better to do than look down at Americans and make fun of us for our back-ward ass, uptight ways. Especially now, Year 2 of the W. administration and his "oh, screw the rest of the world" foreign policy. Yep. This is going to go over swimmingly. We're not only showing guests the icky, messy room we haven't cleaned, we're throwing the damn party in it.

But all of that might not be the worst of it. No, not by a long run. Not in post-9/11 America. The rest of the world always resented us at these things because our tv coverage is too America-centered, our fans too blustery patriotic, our athletes too crass and classless. But now, all of that is gonna be worse. Now it's just gonna be worse. After 9/11 we all felt patriotic. We all went out and bought the American flags and got teary at the National Anthem. Everyone felt patriotic because it was an awful, horrific thing and we all realized just how much, deep down, we love our wonderful country. But now we've gone way, way past that part, into somewhere past trendy and overlywrought and into kitschy and annoying. Now it's thoroughly okay to be as smug and arrogant about our patriotism as possible. Whereas before there was always some amount of hand-wringing and caution about waving the flag, at least from some people who thought it was kind of classless, now it's more than okay. Now it's incredibly okay to wave the flag, chant "U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!" and to smugly revel in the righteousness of being an American.

And into the midst of all this patriotic frippery, comes the nations of the world. Well, mainly those who can actually do winter sports. Into our backwards, conservative state and into a country that thinks there's nothing cringe-worthy about recreating the famous photo of Iowa Jima on a football field or having illiterate football players recite passages from the Constitution before the Super Bowl.

Oh yeah, the rest of the world is so gonna love us after these games.