This was an actual Letter to the Editor in today's Chron. I think it speaks for itself:

"Editor -- I am 13 and I think it's unfair that people under 18 do not have the right to vote. I mean, everybody has a right to vote, but the law says you have to be 18 (or something like that) to vote. That's like totally not fair. We should be able to vote at any age we want. Why wait till the very last minute? I mean, there's a lot of people out here in the world who are ready. Why should they wait to just sit down with a pen or pencil and shade in a circle?"

For Cannonball (and sorry for the geek out)

KIRK

Khan, you dirty bloodsucker!! You're going to have to do your own dirty work now! Do you hear me?! Do you?!

Khan reacts to Kirk's VOICE: electric shock. he clutches the communicator, his eye-whites rolling.

KHAN

Kirk! Kirk, you're still alive - my old friend...

KIRK

Still 'old friend.' You've managed to kill just about everyone else. But like a poor marksman, you keep missing the target.... but you don't have me! You were going to kill me, Khan! You're going to have to come down here! You're going to have to come down here!

KHAN

I've done far worse than kill you. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you, as you left me - .... as you left her. Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet - Buried alive!.... Buried alive!

KIRK

Khan! Khan!

And a Happy Hannukah to everyone. I would say that I'm being a good Jew and lighting the candles every night, but I'm not. Can't find any damn Hannukah candles. Wahlgreen's had tons of Christmas candles, but no Hannukah candles. You could get a cheesy mock-up of Bedford Falls, not to mention endless amounts of plastic, mini Christmas trees, but no Hannukah candles. You know what this means, of course- that Wahlgreen's is completely anti-semitic.

Bastards.

And what did I do to celebrate this wonderful, joyous, festival of lights? Trying to track down for you, oh readers, the latest lyrics to Adam Sandler's Hannukah Song (the new version) only because the video clip that I saw of it had him mention that Jennifer Connelly is half-Jewish and what that means in the scheme of the universe. Sadly, I couldn't find anything, nor proof that the formerly busty-one is half-Jewish. And knowing that Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe from Friends, duh) isn't quite the same(I would like to point out, however, that she is, as a friend would say, the "White Buffalo"- a Jewish woman who is blonde and thus the ultimate Jewish girl in that she's Jewish but looks like a shiksa).

In searching for all this world-changing information, I wound up spending way too much time looking through Adam Sandler sites (G-d help me) and even watched "the making of" his latest cartoon movie. Just wondering, but when a bunch of people say "it's his best movie ever" is that saying anything? Or what about when they say "it's the fullest realization of his comedic vision"?

With straight faces too.

Let us praise Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan, surely one of the greatest movies ever made. I don't know what's more thrilling- the battle of wits between Kirk and Khan or the battle of scenery-chewing acting between Ricardo Montalban and Shatner. Why Shatner never won an Oscar for the performance, I'll never know.

Beware the The Kobayashi Maru!

It's Thanksgiving. And what did I do (more, more should I ask, why should you care, but that's a topic for another discussion)? Watched a little Goldfinger, a little Buffy Marathon (damn, Hush is so good), a lot of the Tim McGraw special (joking) and some rental movies. And for the big Thanksgiving meal? I wouldn't say it was frozen turkey/gravy & mashed potatoes, but it was kind of close.

Yeah, I know, kind of sad & pathetic.

I do have to work tomorrow, which'll put a damper on things. And I wasn't really up for the whole dealing with finding something to do, something that I really didn't want nor have the time or wherewithal to do.

I know, I should do something. It's a National Holiday. It's all about getting together with loved one's and stuffing yourself silly while watching football. But I don't really care. And no, it's not what you think.

Sometime today, after watching Office Space (the movie gets better the more I see it), I went to take a walk. It was right after sunset, when the night had just begun. Most people were off at whatever Thanksgiving thing they had going on. Valencia was completely quiet and still. It was like one of those scenes in the movie where some force or being stops everything and time stands still.

As I walked around, I realized that's exactly what I needed right now. These past couple of months have been nothing but a long, scary roller-coaster ride. The kind they put signs up saying "People with the following conditions should not be allowed to ride" roller coasters. It's been plain ole nutty cuckoo.

All this time, all through the craziness of the past few months- the past few years- all I've wanted was a day or two where I felt like things could slow down and stop for a bit. For a time when there was nothing to do, nothing to worry about, nothing to stress about. That's all I've pretty much wanted 'lo these many months. And I got it. No unemployment stress, no job stress, no money stress, no stress about nothing. Yeah, I'd prefer being up in the Berkshires with my family smoking Cubans and drinking Brandy, but right now, right here, I got what I wanted.

Besides, unlike most of my Thanksgivings, I actually feel like I have things to be Thankful for. I may not be "celebrating" the way you're supposed to (I didn't watch any football, for instance), but as I sat on my butt doing nothing, I couldn't help but feel just how much I have to be thankful for. And that's what the holiday is really about, isn't it?

Isn't that much better than surfing the Web for naked pictures of Skanky Pop Princess like a lot of people out there did today?

Nothing tonight. Damn flu bug, holidays & Web surfing addictions.

Maybe stuff after Turkey-day.

You know, people think that we Americans are soft. That we spend way too much time worrying about meaningless, insignificant, silly little things. On the other hand, we have this:

Red Cross: Death toll from religious rampage sparked by Miss World article rises to 215

Let's see, would you rather have a country obsessed with the J-Lo/Ben Afleck nuptials or a country that riots because of a beauty pageant? I think Nigeria needs Entertainment Tonight.

And people think I'm silly for spending time on message boards.....

And happy 21st birthday to my girlfriend, Jenna and her twin sister Barbara. May you be passed out in vomit like the rest of us on our 21st birthday. You're dad probably was.

Okay, so this whole looking for nude pictures of a certain underage female Wizard in training is getting a bit too much. Two words- jail and bait. And, hello, can you say kiddy porn? If I could, I'd report y'all to the authorities.

Yeah, she's a cool character. And the actress that plays her makes the character much more entertaining than that in the book (I saw her as kind of a big, loud know-it-all in the book, whereas the actress gives her a bit attitude- like a cross between Willow and Spike), but THE ACTRESS IS ONLY 12 YEARS OLD! I've got t-shirts older than her. Then again, maybe it's only 12 year olds searching for photos of her, which is better, I guess, but I'm telling your parents.

As for those people searching for "fake photos" of the underage female wizard, at least you're acknowlding the fact that looking for photos of a 12 year old is kind of on the sick side. I wonder, too, if somewhere out there in the great Wide Web, there's pictures of say the actress' head super-imposed on Pamela Anderson's body. Which is still sick, but doesn't have quite the repressed Catholic Priest vibe to it. Or maybe, somewhere out there, there's just pictures of any ole Playboy Playmate all decked out in Gryffindor colors. And God only knows what would happen if a certain skanky pop-star happened to dress up like the Wizard to be.

Hmm...Playboy's Girls of Hogwarts?

Come to think of it, if you're a hot chick and want to be famous, drop me a line. I got an idea that'll make us rich.....

Flu 1- Me 0

My fluish little visitor is still kicking my butt. The worst part of it is that I’ve talked to people who had the same thing and they got over it in about three days. I’m on Day 8. Of course, it probably didn’t help that I’m also getting up early for the first time in, well, a long, long time. Or I went out late Friday night. Or I spent all of yesterday not lying on my couch, covered in blankets, but doing laundry and stressing out over my stupid Fantasy Football Team. And then there was the whole computer debacle, which I eventually did fix after a mere five hours of work.

Maybe I’ll beat it tonight?

Out, out damn flu.

I know MSNBC is really trying to catch up to CNN and Fox News, but if they really wanted to be taken seriously, is running an hour long documentary on Don Knotts the way to go about it? And is Don Knotts either a "Headliner" or a "Legend?"

The only interesting thing about the whole thing (and yes, why the hell not watch a biography of Don Knotts?), besides the fact that I found out he's still alive, is that he wound up feeling tired of playing the same roles. Unfortunately, I didn't watch the show long enough to find out whether or not his dream really was to do Shakespeare's Richard III.

Where oh where did my Meadow go?

Just a word of advice, if you're trying to have a nice, stress-free, mano-a-mano duel with the flu, don't accidently rejigger your hard drive. Not exactly a relaxing why to spend to the evening.

For some reason, Microsoft Word hasn't been working. It's been crashing everytime I open it. This is not good, especially if you wanna be a wanna-be writer. So I played around, took out some of the install discs I got with my iMac and without really paying attention to anything, I got myself a new hard-drive. Oops. Now everything's all messed up. Half of the programs that I had don't work anymore, nothing looks right, and I can't even figure out which fonts I was using before. I liked everything the way it was before. Can't I go back to the way it was before?

The pisser of it all? I can't even open Microsoft Word now. Oh yeah, and I can't use another big, huge part of my master plan program because it's reasking me for the disc's serial number and I don't have it because I stole it from my last job.

The point of this is that when you're not feeling well and need some rest, having to spend most of the night playing fixing your computer is not the best thing to happen.

Ah, flu bug, finally- it's just you and me.

You showed up on Sunday and haven't left since. But I've been waiting, biding my time. I couldn't deal with you at first, had to start a new job. The week is over, I've done all my weekend activities, and now it's just you and me- mano a mano. I got a bottle of asprin, tons of fruit juice, all new cans of soup and tea at my disposal, and two rented movies. You're going down. When I get through with you, you're gonna be apologizing for making me feel as bad as I have over the past week.

I cast thee out of thy body.

"The power of Christ compels me! The power of Christ compels me!"

Okay, being sick and starting a new job- not fun. I have no Sick Days as of yet, so I can't even really call in sick. Plus, there's that whole looking bad for calling in sick on your second day of the job thing. Even worse, what are the big things you need the most when you are sick- rest and relaxation. What happens when start a new job- new job jitters. So, I'm not sleeping, I'm not relaxing and the only way I'm making it through the day is by drinking so much tea that my drug test is probably going to come back as saying I have way too much Lemon Zinger in my system.

I feel like shit.

Hey, I got Spam Mail from the U.S. Air Force Reserve! Good to see the Military Services actively seeking the best and brightest. And what a good time to join the U.S. Air Force Reserve, right before a huge, "oops, maybe we shouldn't have done that" war with Iraq. I wonder how many proud, patriotic Americans- you know, the one's who put American flags on their SUV's and voted Republican, are foaming at the mouth to go fight Saddam. Or that Osama guy our government doesn't seem to care about that much anymore.

You know, if the people behind the U.S. Air Force Reserve spam mail were really smart, instead of just saying that their for the Reserves, but they should add that they could help increase your penis size too.

It's a long way to the top
If you wanna rock 'n' roll
It's a long way to the top
If you wanna rock 'n' roll
If you think it's easy doin' one night stands
Try playin' in a rock roll band
It's a long way to the top
If you wanna rock 'n' roll

Since I can't pass up a good Michael Jackson story, we got this. I know you've all seen it already, but I can't stop now.

Better dangle than molest is what I say.

Did I mention the Foozball & Air hockey table? Air hockey, baby, air hockey!

And someone's singing Dio right now.....

I'm a wheel,I'm a wheel
I can roll,I can feel
And you can't stop me turning
Cause I'm the sun,I'm the sun
I can move,I can run
But you'll never stop me burning
Come down with fire
Lift my spirit higher
Someone's screaming my name
Come and make me holy again

I'm the man on the silver mountain
I'm the man on the silver mountain

Nothing to see here. Just a double-posting. Move along.

I've been getting a lot more traffic lately. Yay me- everyone's starting to catch the fever. Turns out, though, the increased traffic is really due to the fact I happened to mention a certain Skanky Pop Star right next to the word nude. Most of my increased traffic are from people searching throughout the Web for naked pictures of Skanky Pop Star. Unfortunately, most people who are searching for these pictures don't really take the time out to read about my whacky little life.

First of all, ick. No really. She's just ick. Besides the fact she's already half-way to a Michael Jackson like breakdown, it's that she's so skanky looking right now that even ho's are watching her videos and saying "girl, put some clothes on." She's so icky she thought looking like Dee Snider in that "Lady Marmalade" video was a good thing.

Even worse, is the fact that it's working. People love seeing pictures of her and talking about her. It doesn't really matter what her talents are or how good here songs are, if she shows up in a video wearing pretty much a bikini and glittered chaps, people will pay attention. After all, there is no such thing as bad publicity.

Just look at the quickly disappearing career of Skanky Pop Star's main rival, Wannabe Skanky Pop Star. When her fifteen minutes are officially up and she'll be doing "Hollywood Squares" to earn a buck, historians will note that she had two claims to fame- her dressing up all kiddy-porn in a Catholic School Girl outfit in a video and her barely there faux strip-tease from the MTV Video Music Awards. Nobody will notice that the girl really can't sing or that her singing during her performances are completely taped or even that "Ooops, I Did It Again" is almost completely identical to "Baby One More Time," they'll just notice that all she really did was show off wave her tits a lot.

All of this means that it'll only encourage Skanky Pop Stars and others of her ilk. The whole innocent pop star moving into adulthood by making soft-porn videos was such a cliché years ago and it's not gonna stop. And that's the shame, that it's the accepted artistic norm for a young artist to show their maturity by making like a stripper. Artistic maturity, creative maturity, or hell, even just plain old I- don't-wanna-be-a-pawn-of-the-Man-maturity is not even a question.

I really don't think the world needs Skanky Pop Star to come out with an album dedicated to Third World poverty and freeing Mumia, but wouldn't it be cool if they did something maybe a bit more, umm, mature. After all, the average early 20 something is usually busy hating everything, trying everything, and experimenting with everything. I'm just saying that wouldn't it be cool if say Wannabe Skanky Pop Star announced that she's been digging Joni Mitchell lately and was gonna do an acoustic album that honestly depicts her heartbreak from being dumped by Justin Timberlake? Or announce that Coke & Pepsi are responsible for the bad nutritional habits of kids everywhere and taste like shit anyways, so they won't do any commercial endorsements? Or maybe announce a fascination with Radiohead and do a completely experimental album with absurdist lyrics recorded with all sorts of effects to help convey they're alienation from everything? Or hell, I think I'd even be okay with an album about their bitter breakup from one of the stars of Full House and how pissed they are because they used to go down on them in a theater?

I didn't have to say it would be good.

By the way, double ick to whoever did a search looking for naked pictures of Hermione Granger. Two words: jail and bait.

I, of course, couldn't let this little juicy bit of news pass without comment. Seems that Puff Daddy ( or P. Diddy or whatever the hell he's calling himself these days), is considering a run for President. President Diddy. Has a nice ring to it, don't ya think?

Now while most people may think this is a simply preposterous idea and easy to make fun of, I think the idea has some merit. Two words- MTV Cribs. Just imagine the fun when President Daddy or Diddy or Puffy just opens up his cameras to show all the MTV viewers out there how the White House would look Big Pimpin Style. It'll be off the hook. Hopefully, he'll even get those stripper poles that the guys in Outkast have and put them in the Lincoln Bedroom (Clinton would probably be down with that). And just imagine the fun as he takes everyone to the Master Bedroom of the White House (whatever it's called) and proclaim to the entire Free World that "here's where the magic happens."

And just imagine his campaign slogans-
"It's time to put some Bling-Bling in the White Hoooouse."

Or

"Vote for me or I'll bust a cap in yer ass."

Too bad he broke up with J-Lo, though, if only 'cause there goes our chance of her becoming the First Lady. God only knows what her Inauguration Dress would look like.

Just got back from a pleasant morning at the DMV taking care of getting a new Driver's License for my poor, recently departed lost one. I'm wondering one thing, though, if you show up at the DMV to do something involving your license half-drunk, or at least several cards and maybe even a whole suit short of a full-deck, should they get their license?

I'm just saying.

Oh yeah, this is not the kind of voice-mail message you want when you get home :" Hi this is a message for (unitelligible name) from Diana at (not my apartment managers). We keep on getting bills for you from PG&E saying that you owe (certain amount of money). I know we've talked to you about this and if you don't take care of this whole thing by today, you are in violation of your lease and will have to start eviction procedures."

Now, I know it wasn't my landlords per se and I know I get the PG&E bills sent to me and I also know that I pay them (most of the time), but still, anytime someone leaves a message on your phone that mentions both "violation of your lease" and "eviction procedures" you're gonna get a little nervous.

Turns out they misdialed the last number of my phone number. Ooops.

I guess they should have called tonight's episode of The Sopranos "Whack the Dog."

I'll be here all week.

Last night I was at one of big Yuppie Meat Market bars in the Mission (don't ask). It's the kind of bar where all the Marina types go to when they decide to slum it up in the Mission, the kind of place nobody who lives in the Mission actually goes too because, well, it's full of Marina types. The whole place was awash in whiteness- mayo whiteness. Miracle Whip whiteness. The DJ puts on the new Eminem tune "Lose Yourself" and the place raises the roof. All the members in good stead of Khaki Nation start doing fake rapper moves (you know, the arm thing) while all the peroxide blondes shake their bony-ass white butts to the beat.

The whole thing, in a way, reminded me back in the day and being in similar types places where the house would rock out to Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Like nobody quite caught the joke. And what does it mean for Em that the Blonde and the Beautiful are pumping to his beats? Music is kind of like bars, once the Blonde and the Beautiful get it, it's over, like the bar where it all happened. Cause nothing's cool anymore when the rich, white kids get into it.

Does this mean Eminem is jumping the shark?

Ahhh, nothing like spending most of the morning lying in bed, doing nothing but watch football. And there's nothing like spending most of the morning lying in bed watching football because any sudden movement would cause the same sensation one would get if the earth were to completely slip off it's axis and spin terribly out of control. I knew I should have stayed in last night.

The best part of having what is known in the biz as "a really, really bad hangover", or actually the only part, is that as everyone whose ever had a "really, really bad hangover" knows, the only real way to recover and ground your stomach is really, greasy food. The pot of gold at the end of the tecnicolor yawn, as it were. Being hungover, in a lot of ways, is the only way you can rationalize eating the type of food that you know you should never, ever eat.

Let me just state what I mean with two words- Bacon cheeseburger.

And oh man, was it good.

Some channel is showing a documentary on the Iranian Hostage Crisis. Pretty serious moment, serious documentary. The problem, though, is that they somehow got, as the narrator, William Shatner ("the students….broke in….and broke through the doors").

Is there anyone out there who can take Shatner serious? Is there anyone out there who doesn't hear his voice and immediately start cracking a smile? Shatner's probably the last person you want narrating a serious documentary. It's like getting Jerry Lewis to do a documentary on WWII ("hey Nazi's!")

What were they thinking?

Went to see Harry Potter yesterday at the Metreon. Good movie, not great- typical blockbuster in that you enjoy it while you watch it then leave thinking "eh, whatever" afterwards.

On my way through the main entrance, a gaggle of girls passed by me. They were all wearing black capes with the logo of one of the four Hogwarts school on their breast. I'd say they were between 12-15, teenagers but still on the younger side of adolescence, before all the brattiness and snottiness appear. As they were passing me, I hear a voice call out from above on my right. "Oh my Gawd," another girls voice called, "great outfit." It was a girl, with her friends, all dressed up like Hermione with the black coats and the red/yellow Gryffyndor scarf. One of the girls in the black capes looked to the Hermione girls and yelled back, "oh my Gawd, I love your outfit too."

First of all, I didn't quite expect Harry Potter to be that much of a girl thing, though Hermione does rock. I just see it much more of a boy thing, although not quite as big of a boy thing as the Lord of the Rings.

It was just so cute, though. It was the exact same conversation every teenage girl has throughout the universe, except all for a movie. But what made it so cute, was because we all know that sometime soon, probably at any moment, none of them would ever have a conversation like that for a movie. Sometime soon, none of them would ever be caught dead doing something as innocent as dressing up to go see a movie.

You know, the good thing with having about 400 channels of digital cable TV is that you know that if there's nothing really good on and you really, really want to see something good, somewhere, on some channel, The Godfather will be playing.

The amazing thing too is that even though I've seen it in bits and pieces at least one-hundred times over the past year or so, it's still sucks me in.

Fredo IS weak and stupid.

For those who haven't seen it, the latest pictures of Michael Jackson may be the grossest image since the shot of poor bald, Ralphie's head put in his bowling bag.

To paraphrase Jon Stewart last night, the dude's gotta find some better yes-man in his entourage.

Gypsy, sitting looking pretty
A broken rose with laughing eyes
You're a mystery, always running wild
Like a child without a home
You're always searching, searching for a feeling
That it's easy come and easy go
I'm sorry but it's true

You're bringing on the heartache
Taking all the best of me, oh can't you see
You got the best of me, oh can't you see

You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
Can't you see

Just accepted another job. Kind of got screwed on the whole money thing, but there's not a whole lot I could do about it (and therein lies a tale for another day). I tried to negotiate, but the company doesn't negotiate salaries.

The funny thing is that, you know, when you accept a job offer, you have to assume that salary is negotiable. So you go through the whole song and dance, the "well, it's a nice job, but….." thing in hopes that they sweeten the pot. Which is what I did and was so good at, I got the "well, you have to figure out what you want to do and I can't make the decision for you" speech from the HR woman. A speech partially fueled by the fact she's quitting in a couple of weeks and doesn't have to play hard-ass HR person anymore. But, of course, it was all for naught so the whole performance thing wasn't even necessary. I knew I was gonna take the job, I don't have a choice in the matter, but I still gotta go through the routine.

The whole thing was actually kind of funny in a way. It reminded me of the scene in Life of Brian where Brian's being chased by the Roman's and goes to buy a fake beard. You know, where he goes to buy the beard, but the guy won't let him buy it until he haggles for it and so Brian has to haggle for it despite the fact he doesn't want to and he can't waste the time. Except I'm the haggler and the HR person is Brian.

Just remember, blessed are the Cheesemakers.

You know, just as long as she doesn't open her mouth, Kelly Ripa's kind of hot.

I so need to get out more....

My favorite people are at it again. PETA sent a letter to the University of South Carolina asking them to drop their name, the Gamecocks. Guess the name is demeaning to animals.

"In its letter, PETA spokesman Kristie Phelps wrote that, "Like spousal abuse, bank robbery and driving while intoxicated, cockfighting is illegal in South Carolina." She told The State that, "It's a safe bet that officials at the University of South Carolina would never dream of calling their athletic teams the Dogfighters, the Wifebeaters, the Looters or the Road-Ragers."

Isn't South Carolina the state that has the Confederate Flag as part of it's State Flag? Isn't it flying high above the Capital Building all over the state? Wouldn't you think that a state that uses the symbol of slavery and the Klu Klux Klan be a bigger deal than naming the state college's football team after a fighting cock?

Man, I need to get a job with PETA. Someone's getting paid to come up with this crap.

Just wondering- can you return a fortune cookie if the fortune is clearly not meant for you? I just had Chinese food for lunch and the fortune said "You and your wife will live a very happy life together." Which is nice and all, but hello, not married. I mean, if you're gonna maintain an illusion that somehow, someway, this cookie is able to tell your fortune, shouldn't they at least make an effort into getting some of the details right?

Sorry about this, but for various reasons, I'm a bit off my game this week….

I think I'm finally over The Real World. The cast is lame, the setup way too unbelievable, and the obviousness of the manipulation too grating. But that's not the main reason why I'm putting down the pipe.

Tuesday nights are my favorite night of TV viewing. Even more so than Sunday. Got Buffy at 8 and The Real World at 10. Just enough time to watch both shows and still have enough time on both boards to see what's going on in fan-land (and yes, I do need a life). In a way, both shows are pop-culture at it's finest. Buffy is pop-culture at it's almost artful best, a show consisting of so many layers, themes and philosophical questionings that they're having academic conferences just to make sense of it all. The Real World, on the other hand, is pop-culture at it's trashiest, junkiest best. It's nothing but watching a train-wreck happen over and over again, a show that makes you spend most of the time making snarky comments at whatever your witnessing and wishing some horrific accident would come and strike down all the cast members just to keep them from spawning. And feeling alright that you're wishing evil things to happen to real people.

But that was then.

Last night's Buffy rocked the house. It was one of the most jaw-dropping, mind-blowing TV episodes I've ever seen and it's not just the half a bottle of wine talking. It was powerful and heartbreaking and funny and tripped out and creepy as all hell- often all at the same time. Recurring characters returned (maybe), others referenced, and one was brutally murdered by his friend. And it was all done so well, art-film style. The writers basically took four seemingly disparate stories, all with completely different tones and plots, then meshed them together like "Godfather" but done by Clive Barker for it's finale. The ending left me stunned, blown away and awed all at the same time. It was fucking amazing.

And then came the epiphany. I had just seen pop-culture at it's best, when it's well done and well-intentioned and makes you feel about three or four things all at the same time. This is what art/pop-culture should be. (and I phrase it like that because when you say "art," people think of high art, which is completely untrue. Pop-culture can be just as artful as high-art, maybe more so. Shakespeare, after all, was basically pop-culture, just really, really good pop-culture. That is, of course, if Shakespeare really wrote the stuff, but I digress). It's when the creators, the writers, and actors put their heart and soul into it, not caring about anything else, in hopes someone else joins in for the ride.

Then there's The Real World. It's everything Buffy isn't. It's about the constant whinings of seven dysfunctional attention-whores who see nothing wrong with having threesomes in a hot tub despite the presence of their roomates, the camera crew, and the millions of people who'll eventually see it. It's three women cast members all with eating disorders and major family issues. It's a bunch of people who think that by appearing on a reality show, they'll become rich and famous and so spend most of their time like they're auditioning for something. And it's a bunch of producers and editors who do whatever it takes to manipulate everything so that drama comes out of stuff that either doesn't really exist or is overblown to begin with. It, like all the other "reality shows" is nothing more than Bread & Circuses for a jaded, cynical audience.

How can I watch something so bad after reveling in something that was so good?

The line must be drawn somewhere, so The Real World, I bid you adieu.

By the way, did I mention I went to see Jackass: the Movie yesterday too? Pretty fucking funny. Basically, Guys in Giant Panda Suits + knocking things over + Japanese people = comedy gold.

I'm so proud. Apparently, if you go to Lycos and do a search on "hot naked guys," I'm the sixth most recommended site. And I'm #3 if you do a search under "cristina aguilera nude" in Yahoo/Google. No wonder I've been getting a bit more hits lately.

Too bad I don't have any of either. And as for Cristina- eeeeyick. That girl is at least a year or two away from a Michael Jackson styled freak-out.

I've said it once and I'll say it again....

They should force anyone who makes car alarms have some function wherein if the stupid owner doesn't do something about the alarm in five minutes or so, the car automically blows up.

Jesus f'ing Christ, do something about your damn car....

In order to get into my apartment building, people have to buzz someone who lives there to get in. These are usually friends buzzing to get in, but occasionally, they can be people who live there and get locked out.

If you want unintentional comedy, try buzzing someone at 2 in the morning. There's nothing like watching someone wake up in the middle of a good sleep, in full panic mode, trying to figure out just what the fuck is making that noise. Then watch them convince themselves that they've just been dreaming the whole thing and get back into bed, and buzz them again.

Boy, it's high hilarity.

For extra kicks, watch that person then spend the next hour and a half tossing and turning in bed because they've been so fucking scared by the noise that they can't get back to sleep. Not to mention thinking about all sorts of nasty things they'd like to whoever buzzed your apartment and if you're neighbor knew that her friend buzzed me as well as her.

And that was one of the better nights sleep I was having in awhile.

Sorry kids, I got nothing tonight.

According to the "What Simpsons Character Are You?" I'm Krusty the Klown. I would say yay! 'cause Krusty's my favorite (I even had a poster of him that I kept at my cubicle), until I read what that means.




On the other hand.....

Jennifer Lopez Announces Engagement to Ben Affleck

Oh yeah, like this is gonna last.

I guess Ralphie was the first one to get whacked. We all knew it was coming, but I didn't think it would happen like that.

I can't believe I actually started to feel bad for the poor guy too.

Another problem I have with the NFL….

I'm watching the Packers/Lions game. Favre just hits Terry Glenn for an incredible 47 yard pass. Basically- and there is now way I could do this play justice- Favre hits Glenn around the 20 yard line and then Glenn does this amazing run to get into the end zone. The end of the play has him leaping from like the six yard line in full Superman pose, football extended out in front of him for the score. The amazing thing is Glenn himself doesn't actually make it into the end-zone. In fact, he's knocked towards the out of bounds line but still manages to keep enough concentration that he manages to snake his arm over the pylon as he goes out of bounds.

Touchdown. Great play. The crowd goes nuts. Favre goes nuts and runs half-way down the field to congratulate Glenn. Glenn goes nuts and does the Lambeau Leap. The announcers are even going nuts over the play. And I get four points for my Fantasy Football League.

But wait….there's a review.

I know, reviews are important, but there's kind of a buzz-kill component to it. Everyone's partying and high-fiving each other and leaping, but whenever a review is called, everyone has to kind of stop and wait for the call. So after this big explosion on the field, we now have everyone just standing around waiting for some dorky ref to emerge out of the Peepshow booth and make a call. This is not really exciting to watch.

Apparently, the Ref thinks there's a chance Glenn's elbow went out of bounds before the ball did. So he's checking over and over again to see when Glenn's elbow goes over and when the ball goes over. The TV is showing replays of the play. It's close. It's real close. Even the three TV announcers are saying it's too hard to call. You can't really tell one way or the other, but you do know one thing, that it's an incredible play. An amazing play.

But it gets disallowed. The twerp ref emerges out of the Peepshow booth and announces that Glenn's elbow hit out of bounds a fraction of a second before the ball crossed the line. No TD. All that celebrating, all that partying, all that leaping around- doesn't mean anything. Because some rule on a play that comes down to a smidgeon of a second. And it's not even that close. The fact that the play is really, really close and that Glenn made an absolutely incredible play doesn't mean anything because of that one micro-second and the decision of some 50 yeard old guy who does this part-time. In a fair, more fun universe, Glenn should just get the points just because of his effort.

So the Packers get first and ten at the one and then score on the first play. TD. But it's no big deal. In fact, it's completely anti-climatic because the big play came earlier and everyone had already celebrated.

There's just something wrong about that.

And no, I'm not bitter because I lost four points and it's looking like I'm in a dog-fight of a Fantasy Football matchup.

I have a writing class every Saturday morning. And yes, it's a pretty crappy time for a class considering I have a serious aversion to having to get up early on weekends. Today, after class, I was walking down the street and realized that if I kept up at my current pace, I was gonna quickly catch up to one of the other people in my class. This means, I have a situation on my hands.

Option #1 is to simply blow by him without saying anything. I don't want to do that, however, because that would be rude. Besides, one of the reasons why I like writing classes is you get to meet interesting people and he's definitely one of the more interesting people in the class. Not only did he quit his job as some corporate type to follow a creative path, a path that eventually led him to earning money at corporate events as a mime (yes, a mime), but he's got some scary, gothic mother that he always writes about. They're pretty entertaining when you're not the one whose related to her. So, I don't want to be rude because he in no way deserves my rudeness.

So, I could then do Option #2- Come up to him and talk to him. This may seem like the obvious thing to do ("the stop and chat" as Larry David calls it Curb Your Enthusiasm and yes, I think the show is bloody brilliant), but in all honesty, I don't want to. He's an interesting guy and there's nothing wrong with him, but I just don't want to talk to him. What can I say, I'm anti-social. There's nothing I can get out of talking to him other than talking to him for the hell of it and I'm just not into that. Did I mention that it was a Saturday morning and that I'm not very good on Saturday Mornings?

So what did I do? I crossed the street. Simple, effective, and painless.

Speaking of writing class, I have to hand in assignment every week and today was the day we got our first assignment back. I wrote about the whole starting a new job thing and while a but of a rush job, it was, I thought, my usual genius. Whenever I hand in a writing assignment, I'm like the kid in The Christmas Story just as he hands in his paper about how much he wants his official Red Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot, range-model air rifle, you know where he pictures his burnt out, bitter teacher rediscovering her love of life just by reading the sheer brilliance of his piece. That's me.And just like Ralphie, it didn't happen. All I got was a Good! Yeah, I got a good, but I didn't called out in class for my brilliance and it's not like she wrote anything like "this sucks" on anyone's paper. I didn't, however, get any reminders about anything shooting my eye out.

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
When I come home cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the fields
The tolling of an iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells

You gotta feel sorry for Walter Mondale. Here he was, in his 70's and all-retired, doing nothing but hanging out, chillin', playing a little golf, and trying not to think about the fact that Clinton probably nailed his way hot daughter. But then Paul Wellstone goes and gets himself killed and Minnesota Democrat's have no candidate. So everyone in the Party tells him how much they need him. How much his party needs him. How much the country needs him. And they also tell him how easy it'll be. A cakewalk. Just two weeks or so of campaigning and you're Senator.

And so Fritz said, what the hell, I'll do it. He is, after all, a good guy. A true Democrat and, yes, a Patriot. Plus, he gets to be Senator without having to do all those unseemly things like kissing babies or kissing the asses of every campaign contributor this side of Lake Wobegone.

And he probably got really into it. Thought he'd probably win. Started to care again and get all tingly about the thought of being back in Washington. As a Senior Democrat. As a Statesman even.

Yet he loses.

For all of that, the guy gets out of retirement, prostrates himself in front of the voters yet again, and loses. And without even really wanting to, or having any desire to, he's gotta go and give a concession speech.

Poor guy. And you know he's gotta be thinking "I can't fucking believe I have to go through this crap again. I'm getting too old for this shit."

You're such a secret, misty eyed and shady
Lady how you hold the key
Oh you're like a candle, your flame slowly fading
Burning out and burning me
Can't you see
Just try and say to you

You're bringing on the heartache
Taking all the best of me, oh can't you see
You got the best of me, oh can't you see

You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
Can't you see, can't you see
No no no

Alright, I take back what I said earlier. It is really windy out there and stormy out there. And everyone once in awhile the lights blink out, like we're on the verge of a blackout.

Would be typical that a few days after a Proposition was passed allowing PG&E to stay in business, they go back to sucking.

So it's gonna rain tomorrow. It happens. Even here in California. Believe it or not, every once in awhile it rains. In fact, a lot of times, it rains a lot.

Still, for whatever reason, whenever it rains, it's big news. The first five minutes of the local news began with stories about it raining. And not just "oh, it's gonna rain tomorrow" but stories about how people were gonna prepare for the rain. About how PG&E was getting ready. About how people were trying to hurry things up because it's gonna rain. And typically, we get the stories from around the Bay discussing how things were there with interviews of how people there were getting prepared. Tomorrow, we'll get about ten minutes of news about the rainstorm with stories from every town in the area letting us know how they somehow survived the first great storm of '02.

It's gonna rain, people. Rain. Not a hurricane, not a "storm," not even a "tempest." It's....just.... rain......

This is actual spam mail that I recieved over the weekend. Somebody actually paid money to send this to me.


Hello,
If you are a Time Traveler I am going to need the following:

1. A modified mind warping Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wrist watch with memory
adapter.

2. Reliable carbon based, or silicon based time transducing capacitor.

I need a reliable source!! Please only reply if you are reliable. Send a (SEPARATE) email to me
at:Tomnwrr@aol.com

jshupejshunt69FfbiMUYh

lgNjRnCgpb19048: XOpylGvjizJKNaF


If anyone knows what this means, let me know.....

Editor's Note- Due to doctor's recommendation, the Baseball Editor, who up until now has been pleasantly enjoying himself at the Sunnyvale Happy Farm (which is where the Political Editor just got sent too- along with about six years with of valium and percoset), is returning for a guest column.

NOOOOOOO! DUSTY, DON'T GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled broadcast

I think I'm gonna hurl

You got the best of me, oh can't you see
You got the best of me, oh can't you see

You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
You're bringin' on the heartbreak

I....need....outta...here......

It's Election Time, baby It's fan-tas-tic.

I'm kind of torn this year. I know the responsible thing to do is to go vote, but I really don't care. Really, truly, deeply don't care. I also know that it's a big year in politics. It's also my civic duty, and there are a few things that I really want to vote for (go Medical Marijuana!), but I still don't care. I think I've hit that moment of total "feh" when it comes to politics right now.

The thing is too, that In some ways, voting actually only encourages them. Why should you go out and try and throw an intelligent campaign that everyone hates if you win? In a way, the whole thing is like what happened with that stupid Fox show "Girls Club," the one that was way too overly hyped during the Series. It's the show by David Kelley (the genius behind Ally McBeal!) and it's an exciting story about three hot women lawyers learning how to deal with life on their own. This means we should care. Fox kept on telling us that we should care because it's gotta be good. After all, David Kelley + Lawyers + Claire from Beverly Hills 90210 = Must See TV. Except we all knew it was crap just by looking at it. We knew it was stupid and lame and dumb so we just didn't watch. Fox got the hint that we don't care and cancelled it. Which is kind of what politics is like right now, except for the fact that politicians don't get cancelled.

So I'm gonna vote and pull out the Voter's Guide. But it's two-hundred and fifty pages. And that's just for the City of San Francisco. I have no idea where the California voter's guide is wherever it is, but wherever it is, I'm scared.

Let's put it all in perspective. "The Stranger," Albert Camus discourse on existentialism and the meaning of life clocks in a little under 200 pages. "The Metamorphisis," Kafka's absurdist take on the nature of Modern Man is only about 40 pages. Conrad's "the Heart Of Darkness," which is a great exploration on modern society and the thing that gave us "Apocolypse Now" is only about 120-140 pages. All of those books are classics. All of these books teach us about mankind, life, and our relationship to both. The Voter's Guide is 250 pages and teaches us bupkus.

And the reason for all of this is because the system is just plain ole fucked up. It's either big huge industries trying to pull a fast one over people (if you want a laugh, check out the names of the PAC's that paid for proposition commercials at the end of the ad, stuff like "Citizens for a Fair Tax" or "Oil Companies for the Environment") or it's because the politicians are too chicken shit to actually take a stand. And sometimes it's because the politicians are trying to pull a fast one over people. According to the Chron "six of the 20 measures were submitted on the last qualifying day. There were no prior hearings, no time for study and no analysis. The mayor can submit what he likes. Four supervisors, not a majority of the 11- member board, have the same freedom." Thus we have crap like Proposition N, the "oh no, we have to do something cause Gavin Newsome is actually popular" Proposition.

But what to do, what to do. How do we register disappointment without actually egging on the people responsible?

So here's my idea. We need to add an extra choice on the ballot and we should call it the "Bite Me" option. As in, "why are you making me vote on this crap? Bite Me." This should definitely send the proper message to those in charge that we're not gonna take it. We're not gonna take it. No, we ain't gonna take it
We're not gonna take it anymore (uh, sorry).

Take, for example, this proposition. Proposition F. It's basically a vote on how many members of the New Entertainment Commission will have and who appoints them. A Yes vote means that the Mayor gets to choose four and the Board of Supervisor's gets to appoint three of them. If you vote No, it means the Mayor gets to choose all 7 of them. Who fucking cares? Why am I voting on this? Why should I care? Isn't this what our city government, the one's who are paid for doing dealing for stuff like this should figure out? This is a total "Bite Me" vote.

Then, there's Proposition K, which is a vote on how the city chooses it's Official Newspaper to announce things on. Again, like I give a fuck. I'm having major new job issues, I'm still not getting any decent sleep and it's affecting my health, and my Fantasy Football team is playing the best team in the league next week and half my team has a bye week. This proposition? Bite me.

You can even take it further, move it to other realms and for other reasons. For instance, we actually have to vote for "Candidates for Community College Board." What-ever. Or even members of the Board of Education. Look, I'm sure there's a difference between some of them and I'm sure some of them are better than others, but just as long as they don't go around voting to put Creationism in the schools, I don't care. Again, aren't there people who get paid to do stuff like this able to do stuff like this? Bite me.

Here's another one- Prop 49. Prop 49 is for funding Before and After school programs. It's actually not a bad idea, other than it comes out of all the other money that's supposed to go to schools. It is, however, mainly supported by Arnie Schwarzanager whose behind it mainly to help launch his run for Governor in 2006. God help us all. Bite me, Arnie.

See? Wouldn't that be better? Wouldn't it be great if they roll through the election results and then announce that the winner isn't a candidate, but Bite Me? Wouldn't that send a message to those in politics?

What else can we do? After all

We've got the right to choose and
There ain't no way we'll lose it
This is our life, this is our song
We'll fight the powers that be just
Don't pick our destiny 'cause
You don't know us, you don't belong

We're not gonna take it
No, we ain't gonna take it
We're not gonna take it anymore

Oh you're so condescending
Your gall is never ending
We don't want nothin', not a thing from you
Your life is trite and jaded
Boring and confiscated
If that's your best, your best won't do

Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me

Just got back from shopping at Safeway. And yes, there's all sorts of exciting things you can discover at Safeway.

Like this-

Right now the big Niners/Raiders game is being played. This is a big game here in the Bay Area. BIG. The kind of game where the streets are a whole lot quieter and the bars a whole lot louder.

This is when I decided to go shopping because, well, it seemed to be the thing to do at the time. Besides, I don't care about the '9er's or the Raiders and my passion for football is pretty much confined by my poor, underperforming and oft injured Fantasy Football Team (God-damn, Randy Moss).

Safeway was pretty quiet, probably due to the game and it being a beautiful day today. As I suspected, there wasn't a whole lot of guys there. Those who were there were obviously not into sports, like the tattooed hipster or the two guys making out in the bread aisle. There were, however, a few guys who I could definitely tell were Sports Guys- the doughy body, the receding hairline, the backward baseball. Sportus Fanus Americanus. Instead of watching the game, though, they were there shopping with their Girlfriends. As a Single Guy, this brought a smile to my face. Cause I know that deep-down, at the bottom of their hearts, all those guys were miserable. I'm pretty sure that the whole time they were there, all they were doing was thinking about how much they'd rather be either at a bar drinking beer and high-fiving their buddies or at someone's house drinking beer and high-fiving their buddies. But no, they had to go shopping. Probably because Girlfriend made them. And probably because they couldn't get out of it.

Ha ha.

And then there's this one-

Safeway has this policy where they encourage their employees to be friendly to their customers. This means that they'd occasionally stop what they were doing, say hello, and ask how you are doing. Look, it's nice and all and I'm sure they're all really, really nice people, but all I'm doing at Safeway is shopping for food. I am not there to chit-chat or have small-talk about the weather. I do not want to chit-chat and have small-talk about the weather with Safeway employees. I just don’t' care.

Is it too much to ask to be left alone?

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and a finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."
Ezekiel 25:17