Yesterday, the 17th, was Mickey Mouse’s 75th Birthday. Or at least, it marked the 75th Anniversary of his first appearance in a cartoon. I’m actually surprised Disney hasn’t hit us over the head with this, like they always do, but then again, I don’t see Disney doing a lot of advertising during "Buffy" reruns or "The Tough Crowd."

With all this hoopla going on, it makes me think about the omnipresent mouse and wonder just how did Mickey Mouse become MICKEY MOUSE, the symbol for all that is good, all that is whole wholesome, all that is the be all and end all of children’s entertainment (not to mention the symbol of a huge, monolithic, evil Borg-like corporate entity). It’s as if Mickey Mouse is the greatest thing to happen to children since the invention of candy and freeze tag and we should all be blessed by the entertainment the mouse has provided.

My question, though is, this: other than his guest spot in "Fantasia," what else does anyone remember Mickey Mouse doing? Can anyone remember a cartoon of his? A funny moment? Maybe even a single characteristic that made him the wet dream of pre-pre-pubescent children. The same goes for the rest of his pals too- Donald, Goofy, Pluto, Minnie. I can actually remember a cartoon here or there that I watched as a kid but for the life of me, I can’t recall what the cartoons were about, what happened, or even if they were that funny.

Now think back to "Who Framed Roger Rabbit." When the movie came out, a big deal was made that the movie would feature both the Disney cartoon characters and the WB cartoon characters. It was hyped like the cartoon equivalent of the Stones jamming with the Beatles. I also remember that it was agreed between all the various parties that Mickey and Bugs would each get the equal amount of screen time and equal amount of lines, as if both were prima donna starlets as opposed to cartoon characters.

When the big moment came, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit ripped off. Here was Bugs meetings Mickey and we got the same amount of Mickey as we did Bugs, despite the fact that Bugs Bunny so kicks Mickey’s ass. If Bugs were to meet Mickey in a cartoon, he’d have Mickey so fluxxomed he’d make Elmer Fudd look like a figure out of Hemingway. Same goes with the rest of his crew- Daffy, Tweety, Sylvester, Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam and all the rest. Bugs Bunny rocks like "Living After Midnight" era-Judas Priest. Mickey rocks like Air Supply.

Occasionally, on a Saturday morning I’ll flip onto a Bugs Bunny cartoon and watch one or two cartoons. You know what? They’re still funny. Really funny. Just thinking about Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" or the whole "duck season/rabbit season" thing brings a smile to my face (and I bet I'm not the only one- even those who are coming here looking for the Paris Hilton tape).

So then, what’s the big deal about Mickey’s birthday? Let’s face it, when it comes to cartoon characters, Mickey is nothing but the Britney Spears of cartoon characters- a talentless hack made into a pop icon by the sheer force of corporate will.

Mickey Mouse sucks.