Dear Red States,

Wow, it's been a hell of run, hasn't it? We built a country of nothing, created a model of democracy and freedom that's an example throughout the world, and became the Big Kahuna of countries. We are the world's only superpower right now, the Rome that strides across the world. America, Fuck Yeah!

But, and I hate to say this, it's time we talked. I think we need to separate.

No, I'm not saying split up indefinitely, I'm just thinking we need some time apart. Maybe see some other people. You know, that Canada maybe kind of boring, but she's really nice and smart. And yeah, France can be a pain-in-the-ass, but man is she beautiful. Oh la la!

Either way, I think we need some time apart from each other, kind of reevaluate our partnership.

See, the thing is, and this is really hard to say, but I think we're growing apart. We, for instance, see the major problems facing our country as being the economy and terrorism. You, on the other hand, think the major problems facing the country is "moral values" and gay people (or as Wonkette would put it "ass fucking" since that seems to be the main icky part of the whole gay thing for people). We think a leader should be smart, compassionate, knowledgeable, and tolerant. You, however, just want one who's Best Friends Forever with Jesus. As you can see, this just isn't going to work.

But it's more than that, more than just growing apart. It's, and how shall I put this, more about responsibility. And maturity. And smarts. See, the thing is that you're, well, holding us back in a way. You're George in "Of Mice and Men." You're Fredo in the "Godfather." You're the perpetual fuck-up with whom we have to rescue time after time after time and frankly, we've had it. We think you need to fend for yourself, learn some responsibility. Grow up.

Take this war on terrorism thing. We couldn't help notice that the two places that got hit on 9/11, two places that are probably #1 and #2 on the terrorist hit parade- D.C. and New York- voted for Kerry, the one preaching a more multi-lateral, multi-leveled approach. The kind of approach that doesn't piss off every other country in the world and doesn't wind up increasing recruits to Al Queda. As did California, a state probably up there in terms of places the terrorists want to terrorize. But all you people in places in Nebraska or Indiana or Utah, places not even terrorists would want to visit, voted for the "screw 'em all, let's blow shit up" approach. So while all those places that are on the front lines of the war on terror are urging some restraint and moderation, it's you guys, in places that aren't even in the back lines of the war on terror, that are out there saying "come on, you want a piece of this?" Thanks.

Which brings up related subjects like guns and crime. We here in city-places are the ones who have to deal with gunshots at night or a daily list of dead. We actually have crime problems. You guys, living in your rural enclaves where a crime-spree is two nights of busted keg parties (well, and crystal meth labs) are the one's who are all tough on crime and want every criminal locked up forever. Once again, we're on the front lines of something but it's you guys who are keeping us from doing what will work. And the gun thing? Oy. We just want to bring sanity to a place where criminals are usually better armed than the cops, but whenever we try and suggest something that'll decrease the dead in our streets, you guys start screaming that we'll take away your precious hunting rifles and fire-arm collection and how it's all just one big huge plot to make it easier for guys in black helicopters to invade the country. It's not. Trust us, we don't care about taking away your hunting rifles (some of us may protest the idea of hunting but really that's only a few of us). We just don't like dodging semi-automatic weapons every night.

Then there's the economy. You guys love, just love, that "low taxes, less government" blather. Nothing makes you go "uh-huh" too more like talk about pulling yourself up off the bootstraps and individual responsibility. You want to know who the biggest recipients of government subsidies are? No, not poor black crack-heads, but farmers. Yep, the heart of the heartland. Turns out farmers are nothing but a bunch of huge welfare queens. Ever hear of a thing called ethanol? You want to know something else? Who do you think gets the higher percentage of government funding? Southern states. Yep, we blue staters pay a higher percentage of taxes (earn that tax rate even) but you guys receive more of the money. Of course, some of it is because you're a bit on the poor and backwater side (which one could argue can be blamed on the less taxes, less government stuff), but we're also thinking that it's pretty easy to be for law taxes and less government when it's our money that's going to support all the government programs you guys claim you don't want. Or, in some cases, have to pay for because of government mandates you guys voted for. Look, we're okay with helping out. We're okay with helping farmers. We like farmers. We have a whole bunch ourselves (add up California and Pennsylvania and that's a whole lot of farmers). We just believe that if you want government programs, you should pay for it.

Then there's this whole election. You know, democracy is, as the President is so fond of saying, hard work. You have to pay attention, know what's going on, know what the facts are. That's how you make a good decision. That's the whole philosophical basis behind democracy, in fact, that an enlightened and educated people are the ones who should have the power to make decisions. Notice, however, the key words enlightened and educated. Frankly, you guys just aren't holding up your part of the bargain here. A majority of you people who voted for Bush thinks Iraq had WMDs. In fact, you think experts have proven it. You also believe that there are substantial connections found between Iraq and Al Queda. But wait, it gets even better- Bush voters also believe that Bush is following along with international concuss on most major treaties, including Kyoto. Oh, and you also think we're well supported throughout the world on what we've done over the past few years. Not even Fox News pretends that’s true.

That's the kind of stuff we're talking about here. You guys just aren't holding up your end of the bargain on this here democracy thing. How are we supposed to make smart decisions on things when we're not being smart. And you wonder why we're so despondent over the election? You want to know who else you voted in besides Bush? There's this guy in Oklahoma, the new senator there, who says that the biggest threat to the country is "the gay agenda" and that abortion doctors should be tried for murder. The new Senator in South Carolina said during a debate that he doesn't think gay people should be allowed to teach. Then there's the guy in Kentucky whose getting so senile he was virtually drooling during the campaign. These are the people you guys just elected to the Senate. Thanks a fucking lot. Seriously.

So that's why we come up with this here proposal. And no, it's not necessarily to punish you or because we're angry, although we are, it's just that we think it's what's best for you. See, we think that if we let you do what you actually want to do, without us to be the responsible adult and bail you out, you just might start getting it. In other words, we're letting you guys do whatever you want. So if you want less taxes and less government, go at it- you just ain't getting our money to help you out. If you want to teach creationism and have school prayer and base your leaders on their supposed Christian morality, go for it, don't let us stop you building that bridge to the 19th century. Just don't blame us if you become the laughing stock of the world and find that nobody in your schools are getting educated. Hell, if you want to ban abortion or gay people we'll let you do that too. Just good luck with that. We're sure the banning of abortion and the teaching of abstinence is gonna keep little Bobby Sue and Bobby Jack from getting busy after Chem class lets out. And the banning of gay people is sure gonna prevent your precious little Sally Mae from becoming lesbian or your next door neighbor from cranking opera and Cher til all hours of the night. That is if there still there because I'm sure most talented, intelligent people are gonna the fuck out of Dodge as soon as you start doing that. We'll see how well your economy does after that when the only people left are a bunch of illiterate hicks who think the Bible is fact. Most importantly, if you want to go blow up other countries, tell the rest of the world that we're "U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!" and we can do whatever we want, leave us out of it. Please.

There's this really interesting book out right now called What's the Matter With Kansas? How Conservatives Won the Heart of America. In it, the author wonders why is it that Kansas can do so poorly economically yet constantly vote against the very people who are trying to help those people. The economy hasn't gone anywhere in years, the schools suck, the wages stagnant- it's just one big huge state of Wal-Marted strip malls. In the book, the author writes how the Republicans have been able to get away with it by stressing cultural issues. Those even though everyone's lives could be made better by the government and by Democratic policies, people vote against their own self-interest because they just don't think the Democrats "speak for them." That they don't "share their values."

I guess what we're trying to say is that it's fine that you think that. In fact, we respect it in a way. We just don't want that. We don't want to be in a Wal-Marted strip-mall of a country. If you want that, go nuts. Just leave us out of it. Which is what we're trying to say here. We're tired of bailing you out. We're tired of holding up our end of the bargain. And until you can become full and equal partners in this here experiment in Democracy, we don't want to be partners with you.

Signed,

The Blue States

PS- and yes, I feel much better about things after writing this. Oh, I'm still sitting shiva over the election, but I'm finally able to read the news without getting virulently ill.