OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!

I took this personality test on MSN.com to see if I was more like Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen and I came out as Ashley!

Here's what I am:

"You entered the world two minutes before Mary Kate, and from then on, you’ve been a natural leader. In interviews, you mention Martha Stewart as one of your idols – because of how she built up her brand, not that whole stock scandal thing! Some kids might think running a company sounds boring, but you love having a voice in important business decisions. You’re not all work-work-work, though. You have a girly side, and a passion for fashion. Whether you’re hanging out at home or traveling the world, you find time to keep up with the latest styles, so you always know what’s hot (and what stopped being hot last week).

You think it kinda sucks that Brad Pitt is taken, but you’re not that heartbroken, because you also have a thing for a certain college football player at Columbia University. You’re planning to go to college in NYC, but it’s because you love New York, not because you’re chasing Matt across the country. (You’ll leave that sort of lameness for Felicity.) Even though you and Mary-Kate have different personalities, you can’t imagine being apart from your sister and best friend – lucky for you, she wants to go to college in New York, too.

How to celebrate your inner Ashley: Ash loves designing clothes, so in her honor, take all the clothes you never wear out of your closet and get busy with your scissors and sewing machine. With a little creativity, you could turn your ugly sweatpants into a wacky skirt, stuff an old t-shirt to make a cool pillow, or dream up a new use for your sparkly tube tops. "

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! And you know what? It's SO true. I love Brad Pitt and desiging clothes and Martha Stewart is like my hero!

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!

In the past several days, your humble narrator has had quite an exciting life. On Thursday, I went to an actual press screening for the movie "Battle of Algiers." As a sort of member of the press, no less. It was quite a thrill.

There I was with all the members of the Critical Class, doing what I usually do when in situations like this- wondering how long it'll take before somebody finds me out and makes me leave.

All the critics knew each other and before the movie began, wandered up to each other and amicably chatted. "Oh, I did this screening Tuesday, another screening Wednesday, but I had two today and couldn't make it to both, so I had to miss the Brazilian Silent Movie Festival." Such is the hard-knock life of the movieus criticii.

As one would expect when dealing with such noted authorities on what is good, the snottiness was high. "Lost in Translation" had an obvious plot twist that made it merely "meh" worthy (what plot twist? Doesn't a movie need a plot to have a plot twist? Have I told you how much I love the movie, though?). And when after the screening of a preview for a new, undubbed version of Godzilla, the PR flack mentioned the release date, snickers were drawn when one of the critics shouted out that he already had a video of it. And then there was the fresh-faced, just out of school looking critic in front of me who told another critic that he didn't watch "Seinfeld" because after seeing it a few times, got "bored of it really fast." And this guy is a critic? Seriously. Blasphemer.

And then on Friday, at the fallow age of 35, your humble narrator finally did something not many other people can claim to have done- went to a party for a modeling agency. Yes, there was yours truly, the people who I went with, at a party thrown exclusively for twenty or thirty models from a particular San Francisco modeling agency. Does life get any sweeter?

It was exactly how you would imagine it being. It was held in some super-swanky new bar in North Beach, all neon lights, sake (ski is tres chic these days), DJ's and anime on the TV screens. We got there early enough to get a good table for the show, but quickly discovered that all of the great tables were reserved for the models. Of course. How could they not have tables at a club, they're models after all. Models never have to look for tables. Besides, how could they do what they're meant to do- be looked at- if they're not in a particular section where everyone could look at them? There weren't many people there when we got there either, because, it was early and models are never early. Besides us, there were a few gawker guys, decked out in either expensive suits and chains or decked out in trucker hats and shag haircuts. The waitress had impeccably done breast implants, which she let everyone know by bending way over whenever she'd take your order ("here's a tip. Wait, let me give you some more money for your tip. No, actually, here's all my money, for you, for being such a GREAT waitress!").

And then, finally, towards eleven or so, they came- the models. They, of course, all came together, dropped off in by the limo or Model School Bus. It was like they were being let out for a couple of hours before they return to the Modeling School never to be let out until the next photo shoot. There were tens of them, slinkly dressed twigs with (very small) breasts, shag haircuts and bare midriffs. As they entered, the DJ kicked up the table and they went to their respective tables, and either hang out and gossip amongst themselves or to be adored by the guys in trucker hats. The woman in the group I was with was getting increasingly irritated as she noticed that the guys in the group would be in the middle of conversation with her then slowly stare off at the latest bit of eye candy that walked by. A little later on, she went to the bathroom and got assaulted by at least three or four of the models who saw her thick mane of curly, mangy, unruly hair who all wanted to know what she could be doing to her because it's fabulous.

We left soon afterwards for warmer climes- dive bars, women who weren't models, Jagermeister, fellow kickball players, and Van Halen. Cause, actually, when it came down to it, the party with all the models kind of sucked.

Either way, I am so cool.

About those Oscar nominations-

While pleased that "Return of the King" got 11 nominations, I'm still a little surprised it got only 11. Shouldn't it get, like, more nominations than any other movie in the history of mankind? As Tim Goodman wrote in an excellent piece in the Chron today about how the political coverage and the Oscar nomination coverage is starting to bleed into one- "…you could make an argument that 11 nominations for "Lord" weren't enough. There are gigantic trees playing integral parts in that movie -- but no, nary a mention of their fine work." "Gladiator" got twelve nominations and while "Gladiator" was kind of fun, did it feature Orcs, four tusked oliphants, and giant eagles that swooped down to pick up two Hobbits stranded on a rock in the middle of a riverbed of lava? I think not. Hell, I think the movie should be nominated in every category, even the one's it shouldn't really be (like Best Supporting Actress) just because (on the other hand, why was Russell Crowe's acting in "Gladiator" best-actor worthy yet Viggo wasn't?

It's funny when you read the reviews of "Return of the King" what people say. Oh, it's gotten great reviews. I've never read more glowing reviews of a movie, in fact, but most of them are qualified. You get a lot of "well, it's a great epic, but not as good as a Kurosawa or Eisenstein " epic. Roger Ebert gave it a mainly positive review but then went on to bemoan the fact that all that energy went to making some CGI fantasy flick instead of "Apocalypse Now." It's like critics realize that it's a one-of-a-kind movie, but can't call it what it is- the epic flick of our time and the cinematic achievement of our time- because it's, you know, not foreign, not old, and is about halfling creatures with small, furry feet. So they have to give it a back-handed comment to maintain their cred. Cause, you know, how could we say "The Lord of the Rings" is the be-all-and-end-all of modern filmmaking when it doesn't feature bleak plots, crying actresses who put on a prosethetic nose to show their dedication to the craft, and deep meditations on the nature of humanity.

Whatever.

So it's close to 2:30 and I haven't heard from that place yet. Quelle suprise. If this thing falls through, get ready for the Mother of All Rants.

My interview on Monday ended with them telling me that they'll let me know on Thursday. Thursday being tomorrow (or, today as most of y'all will be reading it then). And the chances that they'll actually call to let me know tomorrow are.....

Eh, like I'll hear anything.

Overheard on MSNBC while flipping through the channels-

Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion of Jesus Christ" isn't anti-Jew because Jesus was Jewish! And even if it kind of, sort of, maybe makes it that the Jews killed Jesus, it doesn't really matter because Jesus chose to die! For us!

Wow, that was exciting. No, not the New Hampshire Primary, but the pentultimate "Charmed" episode in which Shannon Doherty's character gets killed off. Yeah, the idea of Prue getting killed off isn't that exciting, but if you think about it as Brenda getting killed, well, who wouldn't get excited by that?

Anyhoo.....

A long, long time ago, before the Recent Unpleasantness even, I sent a resume to some place for a job. Several months later, I finally got a call in for the interview. I was balls out in the interview, smoking. Everything went well.

The job seemed good. Almost too good. Three weeks vacation, thirty-seven and a half hour work week, located in Fisherman's Wharf. The best part was that they said that most people complained that things sometimes moved too slow. Considering the break-neck, hectic, train-wreck of a speed of my past couple of jobs, that sounded dreamy. I sent out the perquisite thank you e-mails and was told that I would hear back the following week.

The following week came by and no word. I gave them a call to see what was up and was shocked to find out that I actually reached the HR person. Don't worry, she said, they still had one more person to interview, but I was at the top of the list. Woo-hoo, I thought, that was easy. Almost too easy. A month after I had lost my job, I had already gotten a new job.

Ooops. No call.

I called them again and found out that they loved me, but that they didn't have time to deal with training somebody. Told me to check in with them in December if I'm still around and give them a call. I thanked them, said a little curse, gave myself the "it's all for the best speech" and made a mental note to check in with them in December if needed.

December came and since I still didn't have a job, I gave them a call. Once again, I actually reached the HR person. Not ready yet, they told me. Check again in January but thanks for calling and way to show initiative and desire for the job by calling.

And so I waited another month, checking the job postings daily. One night I saw it posted again. The very next morning, first thing, I gave them a call. This was the place where the HR person, the very-same person who had been so good to me, had left. The new HR person praised me for my initiative, told me they still had my files, and that "I had everything they were looking for." I was so good, in fact, that they told me that they didn't need me to come in, that they all remembered me, and that they were going to interview three more people before making a decision. They told me I'd find out early this week.

Tuesday night and still no word. No biggie. I've been through this before. I'll just call them tomorrow. Besides, I have a good feeling about this job. I've been persistent. I've shown desire. I've sent thank you notes and called and said over and over again how much I wanted to work there and how I checked the job listings daily just waiting for the job to be posted. I should get this job. I've been persistent and worked for it and persistence and hard work gets rewarded. Right? That's what everyone says. After all, the universe should reward people for persistence and hard work because those are admirable qualities and the universe wants to reward people who show admirable qualities.

So what does it mean that I noticed while checking the job listings tonight that the job's been posted again? Except it's not the same job, it's changed. And what does it mean that after first posting the job over eight months ago, after interviewing about eight people over a period of six months, they decided to go in a completely different direction for the job.

Huh. Didn't see that one coming.

Riddle me this, Batman- if the economy is doing as supercalafragilistic as people say it is, especially people who are running for reelection, why is that the laundry place around the corner from me was jam packed at 3:30 on a Tuesday afternoon? Wouldn't you think that 3:30 on a Tuesday afternoon would be a perfect time to do laundry as everyone should be at work, which is why I decided to do laundry?

I'm not exactly clear on what sorts of big numbers they use to figure out the health of the economy, but wouldn't it make sense to also throw in there stats like these?

1)Amount of washing machines in use compared to amount of washing machines not in use at 3:30 on a Tuesday.
2)Average wait in line for a chai tea at local coffee shop between the hours of 2-4
3)The percentage of gross receipts for "Butterfly Effect" of bargain matinees versus that of regular movie hours
4)Number of people posting to blogs during 9-5 work hours.

This was an actual headline on the New York Times Web site:

Rover Discovers Rock Never Seen Before on Mars

Boy, I don't know about you, but this Rover on Mars thing just can't be any more exciting. What's next, they'll discover a new dust particle that they've never seen before?

Wake me up when they discover the Starbucks.

Watching the news today with all their New Hampshire tracking polls is a little like watching the early morning football game. You'll be watching one thing and in one corner of the screen you'll be bombarded with all these updates and statistics that go by so quickly you can't make sense of them. Then, in the middle of something completely different, like say the latest on the Michael Jackson/Kobe Bryant/Scott Peterson/Martha Stewart trial, there will be an Update and the newscaster will come out and say something like "our latest tracking poll shows that in the past two hours, John Kerry has gone from 33% to 31%! Could this mean trouble for John Kerry's nomination? Stay tuned as our political pundits endlessly debate the past hours latest developments in hopes that they actually get something right."

Considering how many polls there are, how many times they're done, and the small amount of New Hampshire voters, you have to wonder how all these polls are done. Do they just call whomever, even if they've already answered a poll? ("oh, hello Zogby, I'm on the other line with ABC News right now, I'll be just a minute") Or do they keep on calling the same people over and over again? ("oh yes, Sanjay, Susan did win her basketball game this weekend, thanks for asking. And I'm feeling a little Edwards-ish this afternoon….no, four won't work as I've got a hair appointment. Try calling a little later") Maybe they just have nanoprobes attached to various New Hampshireites and every little change in opinion is monitored by the nanoprobe? ("Here's the latest- John Smith of Derry New Hampshire was reported to having warm feelings about Wesley Clark, which either portends a possible last-minute Clark surge or Mr. Smith had the McDonald's griddle breakfast again")

By the way, it looks like cranky Dean is back (or as the Daily Show refers to him, "Gollum-Dean," which is opposed to the much nicer, sedate "Smeagol-Dean"). I may not want Gollum Dean to win, but he is so much more fun when he's cranky. You gotta admire the guy for going out there and having the balls to say what he's saying. I saw this morning, for instance, he got into a scuffle with Wolf Blitzer during an interview with Dean and Dean's frumpy "I-so-don't-want-to-do-this-and-when-this-is-over-Howard's-ass-is-all-mine" wife. Wolfie asked Dean for the hundredth time about the "I Have a Scream" speech and in response, Dean snippily laid into Wolf for dwelling on it and then accused the news media of playing it up because they were more into "entertainment" than "news." Wolf, of course, got all huffy and gave him the gaping "what do you mean we're here to entertain people, we're a news organization" response, as if nobody can dare question the integrity of CNN. Then he went on to say something like "you can see the rest of the interview after our hour-long in depth analysis of Renee Zellwigger's weight and a special Larry King as Larry talks to Princess Diana's gynecologist about his memories of the late Princess."

Then there's Fox News being all into Dean for having the gumption to say that Iraqi's might not actually be better off after the war, especially those who we, umm, killed. Of course, that shows Dean's utter inexperience about things because everybody knows it's not really about what the Iraqi's feel about the war, it's about how we feel. And if the Iraqi's might be a little upset with the loss of water, electricity, jobs, or life, that's their problem.

I mean, Jesus, Howard, get your head out of your ass.

So I started off this morning bright and early with my 2nd interview at the place I interviewed last week. Everyone keeps on telling me how much they love me and everyone keeps on telling me how much they need someone in that position, yet when I left, I was told I'll hear around Thursday. Thursday? If supposedly they all like me and supposedly nothing can be done at the place without someone in this position, wouldn't it make sense to just get it over with and hire me? I know processes have to be processed- t's have to be crossed and i's have to be dotted- but can't you just get it over with? Just friggin do it and offer me the damn job. This job has already cost me two nights of no sleep, I can't really keep up like this for the rest of the week.

Supposedly it's going to take til Thursday because they have to "check my references," which I never get. Why do places have to check with somebody's references? I mean it's not like I'm going to list places where I didn't do a good job. I'm no way in hell, for instance, going to list the last place I worked. I'm just doing what everyone else does- list places where you're well-liked. In some cases, I even put friends down. So why do they have to check with them? What could they possibly say that would make them go "ehh, maybe not." The way I hear it, when people are called as references, they can't say anything negative anyways for fear of a lawsuit. One place I always use as a reference was specifically told by HR not to say anything. So then why the hell are they wasting the rest of the week to check references?

Just do it.....

Hey, Dan Savage punked Rick Santorum on the Joe Scarborough show this month (you know, he's the smirking popinjay on MSNBC. As opposed to all the smirking popinjay's on Fox) .

Just spreading santorum throughout the blogsphere....

And I wonder what Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is thinking knowing that her father's boss (errr, I mean the guy who her father is the boss of) wants to make a constitutional amendment saying basically that it's okay for Britney Spears to have a drunken Las Vegas wedding but she can't marry her partner? And by "activist judges" does Bush mean those that elected him President?

I have something to say. This might be one of the hardest things I've ever had to write, let alone admit. I usually keep stuff like this to myself, which makes it that much harder than ever to come out with this, but I just think it's time.

Okay, here it goes.....

I'm finding it really difficult to sit through a new episode of "The Simpsons."

There, I said it. I feel much better now.

Ladies and Gentleman, the President of the United States:

"One of the most meaningful things that's happened to me since I've been the governor -- the president -- governor -- president. Oops. Ex- governor. I went to Bethesda Naval Hospital to give a fellow a Purple Heart, and at the same moment, I watched him -- get a Purple Heart for action in Iraq -- and at that same -- right after I gave him the Purple Heart, he was sworn in as a citizen of the United States -- a Mexican citizen, now a United States citizen."

One day I thought I had a dream, remembered things I'd never seen….

I was in Mexico. The sky and the sea were a deep, ancient blue. I was staying someplace on cliffs, overlooking the ocean. Everything was happy and peaceful and I spent my nights in a bar over the cliff, watching the sun set. And I spent my time with the kids from "The Real World." Or, at least they said they were.

They were friendly and cool. We laughed about what happened on the show as we sailed on a boat around the islands. We swan in the ocean and dived off the boat and when we made it back to the hotel, we'd meet at the bar and talked until the sun came up. And I even met Robin's breasts, who told me how gosh-darn cute I was before she ran off to chase adventure into the night.

And as I dreamt this peaceful, happy, dream, all I could think of was this: WHAT THE HELL ARE THE KIDS FROM THE "REAL WORLD" DOING IN MY DREAMS.

PS- extra points goes to anyone who can figure out where the first line comes from.

Why is it in every bad, Grade-B movie or Grade B TV show (like *cough* "Charmed" *cough) those people who are "evil" always call themselves "evil." Like they'll say things like "we'll turn him to evil" or "evil will rise again" or "the forces of evil will finally beat back the forces of good!" And always said with maniacal laughing. Even in "Star Wars" the bad guys always talk about being on the "Dark Side" of the Force. Do evil people really consider themselves "evil"? Aren't most people who are "evil" still consider themselves on the forces of good, even if their idea of "good" is fairly twisted. You know, that whole denial thing. Especially considering that no matter where you are "evil" has bad connotation, wouldn't people who are "evil" not want to admit to themselves that they're evil? Like wouldn't Darth Vader say he's on the "Right Side" of the Force" instead of the "Dark Side" because "Dark Side" kind of sounds bad?

Do you really think Hitler and his henchman, while say planning the Blitzkreig on Poland, sat around and said things like "and if we take Poland, evil will be on the rise!" followed, of course, by maniacal laughing. Do you think Bin Laden, holed up in whatever villa somewhere in the South of France he's holed up in is sitting around with his cronies and saying things like "we will strike America and beat back the forces of good!" Again, said with lots of maniacal laughing. Or do they sit around and talk about trying to turn Musharref into "evil."

At least in the "Lord of the Rings" movies, they kind of play it off as some sort of Orc Liberation thing….

It looks like the new season of "the Osbournes" is starting up next week. Oh goody. Does anyone really care anymore? Seriously. You want to know what episode I want to see- where they all get sent off to Iraq to be used as bomb-sniffing dogs.

Speaking of MTV reality shows, which I seem to be doing a lot of (and speaking of which, Jesus F'ing Christ, have you seen the size of Robin's rack on the "Real World?" You could land airplanes on those things) the newest reality "sitcom" is one about the marriage between ex-Baywatch Babe, ex Playmate and ex Mrs. Dennis Rodman to Jane's Addiction's guitarist Dave Navarro.

We can go two ways with this one-

1) Remember when Jane's Addiction was the bomb? When "Nothing's Shocking" came out and it was like the greatest album you've heard in years and it made you want to do nothing but smoke massive amounts of bong hits and play air guitar? Weren't they the coolest band in the world? Didn't they just conjure up weird freakiness and make you think that those guys were getting some serious freak on, stuff that you couldn't even imagine in your wildest dreams, but it was cool cause it was the Reagan 80's. And who really cared anyways since "Ocean Size" made you want to bang your head til it hurt?

Now, the guy who played all the guitar is not only marrying Carmen Electra, but having himself filmed for an MTV reality show. Along with all the other members of Jane's (except for the bassist whose the only smart one left).

Why Dave? Why? Why'd you give up the dream like that?

2) Remember back in the day when all the big rock bands didn't do a lot of interviews and were kind of mysterious? Remember when they had mystique and that made them that much cooler? And whenever they came out with an album you'd rush out to get the latest issue of "Rolling Stone" because it was one of the few times you'd see pictures of them and you wanted to see what they looked like, dressed like, and felt like? And remember how some bands- like Floyd or Zeppelin- didn't even do interviews because they were about the music, man, and it made them somehow that much more cooler?

What happened? Now it seems like every band out there spends half their time when they're not on tour at the MTV studios standing in line to blow Carson Daly. And when they're not blowing Carson Daly they're either calling in to have phone sex with Carson Daly or being shown on any of the fifty non-video related shows MTV plays. Do you think Pink Floyd would have ever done "Cribs?" Would Zeppelin ever done a reality show? Would John Lennon allowed himself to be "Punk'd"?

Jane Says, Dave you really blow
Used to be so much cooler
Why'd you have to go cheese out
Marry that bimbo
And film it all on video

I'm gonna suck tomorrow…..
I'm gonna suck tomorrow…..

More fun with the Democratic Candidates and yes, it looks like I beat "The Daily Show" on the General liking Journey joke.

We have the Democratic Candidates favorite movies-

Kuncinich and Gephardt- "Seabiscuit."
Lieberman- "Mystic River"
Sharpton- eh who cares
Clark- "Return of the King"(!)
Kerry- "Old School"(!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Edwards & Dean- too busy to see movies.

And their favorite CD's:
Wesley Clark: "Journey - Greatest Hits"
Howard Dean: Music by Wyclef Jean
Sen. John Edwards: "The Essential Bruce Springsteen"
Sen. John Kerry: "Abbey Road" by the Beatles
Rep. Dennis Kucinich: Music by Willie Nelson
Sen. Joe Lieberman: "Sueno" by Andrea Bocelli
Al Sharpton: Music by Yolanda Adams

Looks like I'm starting to get a whole new appreciation for John Kerry.

Ladies and Gentleman, a moment of silence please.....

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have broken up

So I want to like Gen. Clark, but now I'm having second doubts. What gives me pause isn't the flip-flops, the past Republican behavior, or the occasional Ross Perot-like ability to sound completely sane one minute and completely nuts the other, it's this: according to a story about him in the "US News & World Report," his favorite band is Journey and his favorite song is "Don't Stop Believing."

Remember that great moment in '92 when Clinton won and he and Al and the wives stood outside the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock and celebrated with "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" in the background? Now, picture that same scene, except if Clark wins. He's out shaking hands, smiling, and in the background, you hear Steve Perry's voice croaking out "Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world." Do we, as a nation, want that scene to happen? And can a Rhodes Scholar, West Point Graduate, butt-kicking soldier, and Four Star General really be into Journey?

I found this article online that lists all the favorite songs of the major Democratic candidates . John Edwards favorite song is- (ick) "Small Town" by John Cougar Whatever His Last name Is. That sounds more like his handler's picked it as it's way too obvious and cheesy. John Kerry's favorite song is Bruce Springsteen's "No Surrender," which I can see a handler picking but can also see him rocking out to. And the always edgy Howard Dean picked a song by Wyclef Jean. As befitting Dean, I think he was actually serious about this and no handler chose the song for him. Have to give him props for not only picking a Wyclef song, but knowing who Wyclef is in the first place.

But is that really they're favorite songs? Considering they're all boomers, would someone admit to say, liking "Voodoo Chile" or "the End?" Maybe even "Cowgirl in the Sand" or "Dazed & Confused." And imagine what'll happen when Gen-X finally starts running for President. Can you imagine someone listing their favorite song as "Heart Shaped Box," "Sweet Child o' Mine" or "Black Hole Sun?" Or, hell, what about "Bust a Move," "Straight Outta Compton," or "Fight the Power?" (man, imagine what Fox News would do if someone admitted to liking a song with the lyrics "Elvis was a hero to most/But he never meant, shit to me you see/Straight up racist that sucker was/Simple and plain/Mother fuck him and John Wayne") And with rap becoming more and more mainstream, at sometime somebody's gonna get up there and list his favorite song as "Bitch Betta Have My Money," "No Scrubs," or "Back That Azz Up." Or what about "I'm Slim Shady" or even "Nookie?"

Nah. Never happen.

Working hard to get my fill,
everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice,
just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Is it too dorky to admit that to get myself psyched up for an interview, I try and think of the music from "Rocky"? No, not the anthem or the "Gonna Fly Now" part, but the way-cool music they play during the fight that builds and builds and builds and then peaks just around the time Rocky picks himself up from the mat and starts kicking Apollo Creed's ass. That music rocks.

So yeah, I had a big interview today, although at this point, every interview is big. As befitting it's importance, I naturally had "the Gusher" this morning, the never-ending shaving cut. And it wasn't even from cutting myself, it was from some icky little ingrown thing that, well, I'll spare you the details. The good thing is that unlike the last time it happened, I didn't have to sit through the interview holding up a kleenex to keep myself from bleeding to death. The bad thing is that it took down my two best dress shirts due to blood stains. Kind of like how RR Sarah took down all of the best RW cast-members. Good thing I stopped to look at the mirror in the hallway mirror or I might never have caught the blood on the collar on Shirt #2. It also meant that I had to be late to the Freelance job because I couldn't take off for work in a suit when I was still bleeding all over the place.

And how did the interview go? Good, except for one problem. Get laid off enough times and red flags start to go off when the huge, expensive downtown office that the interview takes place in is 3/4 empty.

And just when you think things are quite bad enough, thank you:

Jury Duty.

Everyday there's another indignity that comes with being single. Today's indignity is this: Yigal Amir, the guy who assasinated Yitzhak Rabin, found somebody who wants to marry him I'm a nice guy and what does it get me? And all he did was murder one of the great statesman of the last century, a man of peace, and one of the founding father's of Israel and he's getting some. How am I supposed to compete with that? I haven't murdered anyone, let alone assassinate anyone, and I kind of am in favor in peace.

Which brings up the case of John Hinckley, whose doctors say he's now sane and could be let free. Don't you think that no matter how sane he is, he's always going to have issues? He shot the President of the United States for some girl and it didn't work. That's gotta hurt.

You know I'm just joking around, right? Right? Besides, you gotta figure the woman who wants to marry Amir has some major-ass issues.

Am I a bad Jew for wanting to see the Mel Gibson the-Jews-Killed-Jesus flick," "The Passion of Christ?" And is it wrong for me to think that considering how messed up Catholics are about sex that having the incredibly hot Monica Bellucci play Mary Magdelane is not necessarily a good thing? Especially when you can download naked pictures of her off the web? Shouldn't Gibson have picked someone like Camryn Manheim or Rosie O'Donnell, somebody who nobody in their right mind would even want to fantasize about?

Am I the only one who thinks that this could only lead to bad things?

Ugh, the President's State of the Union speech is on tonight at 6.

Let's just say "Charmed" will never be better.

Wow, that was exciting.

No, not the Iowa caucaus, but the finale to "The Real World/Road Rules Challenge." That was some mighty fine TV.

Oh yeah, so Kerry won. Looks like I'm a dollar late and a dollar short on the below posting about Dean. Oh well.

Truth is, any of the Big Four Dems (Clark, Kerry, Dean, and Edwards) would be fine with me. I actually wanted to go for Kerry at first, but he turned out to be a butt campaigner. Guess he's gotten his act together. Good for him. And as a special Hooray for Anything political tip, take a looksee at John Edwards. He's the best campaigner out of all of them.

Alright, I swear I'll bring back the fun tomorrow. Promise.

PS- way to go Sarah. The Sports Guy is right, your performance on "The Gauntlet" is worthy of it's own "SportsCentury" show. And I thought you should pull a "screw you guys, I'm out of here...."

(Sorry, more political rantings. It is the first day of the actual Primary, what with the BS Iowa primaries today. What can I say, for some reason I'm actually interested in politics. I can't have layers? I swear, I'll bring back the usual stuff tomorrow- hell I have pages ready to go just on RW Robin's breasts.)

I've got a theory about the Democratic Party, that the Democrats have a bad case of Spousal Abuse Syndrome. Democrats have become so afraid of getting whomped on by Karl Rove, Fox News, and Rush Limbaugh that they bend over backwards not to actually say anything that they believe in. Like they can't even say that they want to help the poor lest they immediately get accused of being God-less, gay-loving, communist hippies.

So, for the past ten years or so, the Democrats have been doing their utmost not to actually sound like they were Democrats. "What? do something about the poor? Sign treaties? Who me?" This has turned the party into what it is now- a party of wusses, a bunch of people who occasionally stick their heads out of the hole, see their shadow and after checking the polls, stick their head back in. The result? Since the mid-90's they've gotten their butts kicked all over the place. They've managed to be both played and rolled, like the Yankees versus the Sox. Or like the Road Runner versus Wil E. Coyote. We've had the lame-ass impeachment, Florida in 2000, the rise of Fox News, and the takeover of all three branches of Government. And all the Democrats seem to be doing is standing around and going "thank you sir, may I have another?"

Which brings us to Howard Dean. For the first time I can remember, a Democrat has stood up, says this is what I believe and why I believe it and if you don't like it, you can suck on it. He's taking all of those stupid rules that exist about politicians (his wife has to be doting and follow him everywhere, he has to praise God everywhere) and throwing them out. He's rewriting the book. He's Jesus at the Temple Mount going after the money changers. He's Nirvana in a world of hair-bands. He's the Nerds in "Revenge of the Nerds" trying to first get their own Frat and then trying to win the Greek Festival. For everything wrong with the political system in the U.S.- campaign financing and the control of special interests, a press that is far too lazy and meek to do what they're supposed to do, poll-driven politics- Dean represents a big FU to all of it.

Which is why he's scaring the crap out of a lot of people. The Democratic Party establishment doesn't like him because he's calling them on their cowardice. The press doesn't like him because they make the rules, damnit, and he's not playing by any of them and, besides he doesn't like them. The Washington Establishment doesn't like him because he's not part of their clique. And the Republicans don't like him because he's uppity.

And so he takes all the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, getting it from every side because he is a threat. The Democrats say he can't win because he's too angry and gaffe-prone (even though listening to advice from the Democratic National Committee is like getting advice from the owners of the Milwaukee Brewers on how to run a baseball team.) The press clucks at him like a bunch of Heathers in High going after someone for not wearing the right accessorized clothes (his wife doesn't campaign with him! He isn't religious! He sometimes says what he thinks!) and the Republicans go after him because he's not polite and deferential and doesn't roll over whenever they accuse him of something.

And so nobody can understand why he's just so popular, even though it's precisely because of them that he's so popular. For every Democrat who got sick watching the party roll over during the tax cuts, for every Democrat sick of listening to the rabid attack dogs on MSFOXNN, for every Democrat sick of watching the media focus on stupid little things while missing big things (such as, oh, the President completely lying about Iraq) and for every Democrat just wishing and hoping that somebody- anybody- has the balls to go out there and say I'm a Democrat, damnit, Howard Dean is the man. And it's why everytime he gets attacked by a member of the Establishment, either it being a member of the political or press establishment, he gets more popular.

I've been thinking a lot about Dean over the months because I like politics and I want that smirk ripped off Smirkboys face come November. I want to like Dean. I see what he represents, what he stands for, and who he is and I want to believe. I want a Democrat whose got the balls to admit. I want one who isn't beholden to special interests and I want one who'll call a spade a spade (after all, as Michael Kinsley famously said, a gaffe is when a politician says the truth). And, yes, everytime some member in the press says something dumb about him, I want to go on his Web site and give him money (or, I would if I had any money). It's just that while I like the idea of there being a Howard Dean out there, I'm just not sure I like Howard Dean.

Maybe I've got Spousal Abuse Syndrome when it comes to who I want to support. Everytime he says something "stupid" like the Iowa caucus is a crock or a story comes out and says that he can't win because he's not religious and his church has yoga classes, I cringe. And, maybe, I feel like Democrats should be pliant and roll over and not evil like Gingrich or Delay, but something about him worries me. And I know I'm not the only one out there. Most of my friends say the same thing. When you bring him up, they all look burdened and say "….I just don't know about him."

I want to be a Deaniac. I admire those people who are. But, right now, I'm not on board. I'd love to be proven wrong, though.

Right now, I'm still undecided.

Goddamn HBO conked out right in the middle of "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Why hast thou forsaken me, Oh Lord?

I saw "The Last Samurai" this weekend and while not sucky and mildly entertaining, the idea behind the movie is little screwy. No, not the fact that Tom Cruise somehow winds up being the only survivor of the climatic battle scene, but the politics of it. Not to get too polemicy here, but the basic theme of the movie can be summed up thusly: industrial, modern, money-grubbing, badly bearded America bad, agrarian co-operative living, honor-bound, traditional, poetry spewing Japanese peasants good. It's saying that Japan would have been much better if we wouldn't have gotten our grubby little hands on them and polluted them with our money guns, and lawyers.

This is, of course, the American white, liberal guilt view of the world- that the world would be perfectly peaceful and shiny happy if it weren't for us (well, and the rest of the West too) going around and corrupting these beautiful, lovely, peaceful societies with our evil ways. That the rest of the world would be much better off if we had instituted some sort of Prime Directive and just observed other civilizations and not gotten involved in them. No pollution, no wars, no poverty, no AIDS, no McDonalds. It's this theme that makes the movie pretty liberal. If you look at it from the Japanese standpoint, however, the view is actually almost conservative to the point of reactionary. In fact, those who espouse those views in Japan are considered the whacko-fringe. After all, what's more reactionary than saying change is bad, no matter how good those changes might be, and that they should stay the same no matter how good some of those changes would be?

I don't think the people who made the movie actually knew anything about Japanese history. Not that I'm an expert in it, but I do know that after first opening up to the West somewhere in the 17th Century, one of the Emperor's saw us a bunch of missionary loving greedheads and basically kicked out all the Westerners. He then banned any sort of contact with the West until the 19th century when they finally got hip as it were. As a result, you got one back-ward ass, isolated, totally out of it culture. It wasn't until the Emperor finally opened the country up to the West that the Japanese were able to modernize. And yeah, they did kind of turn into a nasty, power-hungry empire, but oops. The idea that somehow the Japanese were better off before the West came in (symbolized by the movie's supposed big climax when the Japanese Emperor says "thanks, but no thanks" to the American Ambassador offering a treaty) is as absurd as the idea of Samurai running around in armor and swords in a world full of cannons and howitzers. The Samurai were running against the tides of history.

But let's look at the politics again. The movie is liberal in that it espouses the belief that the West does nothing but corrupt the rest of the world and robbed those countries of their traditional values. In America, however, people who call for the return of traditional values are people like Pat Robertson, Patrick Buchanon, and John Ashcroft. In other words, it's conservative to believe in traditional values in America, but liberal if you believe in the traditional values of other countries.

Or, you could look at it this way, from the standpoint of that time. Back in 19th century Japan, the liberal viewpoint would be for modernization and industrialization. That's what liberalism is, or should be about- the constant moving forward to improve society. After all, feudal Japanese society is pretty backward ass. Among other things, it's not to big on Women's rights. So, what would actually be the liberal viewpoint 150 years ago is now wrong and the reactionary viewpoint is right.

Here's another way to look at it. Say the Samurai actually win and beat back the whimpy Emperor. The Emperor closes the door to modernity, kicks out all the foreigners, and the Samurai ride again. What would that mean to history? And I don't mean the historical question of how it would have affected WWII and all that fun stuff (would we have entered without Pearl Harbor? Would the atomic bomb have been dropped and thus ushering in the Cold War?). No, I mean if Japanese would have gone full-Samurai, would we have the walkman, Toyota, Godzilla, and Hello Kitty?

Nope. And what a sad world we'd be living in without Hello Kitty.

I'm walking down 16th today on my way to meeting a few people at a café on Market when I stop at an intersection waiting for a red light to turn green. Standing next to me were two attractive, early 20-ish women talking, more on the hot side than the not hot side. Without meaning to listen in on their conversation, my interest was piqued when I heard one of them say to the other one "blah…blah….blah….blah….blah….I had no idea he was into that kind of thing." While I couldn't make out much of the rest of the conversation, I did get to hear like "whatever turns him on" and "I would do it" and "whatever spices up the relationship and keep it from getting boring."

Now, I've been known to be an eavesdropper and I even like being an eavesdropper, but I swear I had no intention on eavesdropping on these two women. But after hearing just that little bit that I did, how could I not slow my walking down so it would be in lock-step with them? When they broke off to go into a story, I almost followed them inside.

Shh you got to, shake it, shh, shake it, shake it, got yo shake it
(Shake it Suga') shake it like Poloroid Picture…

Way back long ago in September, when the Recent Unpleasantness began, I had an interview with a place that seemed too good to be true. It was fairly mellow, the manager's were adults, and bestest of all, they were telling me that one of the big complaints people had there is that it's too slow-paced. The interview went really well and I was told that not only did I have everything they were looking for, but that I was on the top of the list.

Naturally, when they came down to hiring someone, they decided they weren't ready to yet.

I've been keeping in touch with them since then and after about five months, the job got posted again. The very next day I called the place to tell them "boo-yah!" only to discover that the HR person who was my main contact- the one I had interviewed with and talked to the entire time- was no longer working there. Instead, they have a new person.

So now I have to go through the rigamorale with someone who doesn't know me, didn't interview me, or hadn't been involved in the process the first time. And, I now have to wonder why is that the very-same HR person who spent all that time telling me what a wonderful place it is to work at that company is no longer there. Maybe all the assorted HR Associations found out that she actually kept on returning my messages and had her whacked.

Ah man, once again I was all prepared to post something last week but didn't due to exhaustion. Damn filing job. It was good too and just like the earlier post, I was once again ahead of the curve. Keep in mind too, that when I thought up this post this morning, it was really brilliant and incisive so picture what I meant to write instead of what I wrote. Damn, working is tiring.

So here's what I was going to talk about…

A couple of weeks ago, the lovely folks at "Homeland Security" unveiled their latest measures to make us safe from terrorists. Upon entering the country, travelers to this here Land of the Free have to get fingerprinted and photographed. Well, not every foreigner, just those who have to have a Visa to enter, mainly those who aren't from Europe and Canada (Mexicans don't need a Visa either and could go through unimpeded, but they don't count for sake of this argument because we all know what everyone thinks about Mexicans entering this country). Those who have to get ID'ed include people from those hotbeds of terrorism including Costa Ricans, Mongolians, Samoans and well, every place that's not predominately run by white people.

This is all supposed to make us safer, despite the fact that there's so many loopholes in the system that an Al Qaeda intern could probably figure out a way around it in less than ten minutes. The measure wouldn't have caught Mohammed Atta, wouldn't have caught Moussaoui, and it wouldn't have caught everyone's fave, the Shoe-Bomber. All it is just a security blanket, some hi-tech gizmo (probably made by a huge contributor to the GOP) that goes "Bing!" and makes us feel better.

But besides the fact it doesn't work, there's the whole issue of whether we should be doing this. We're now asking people who arrive in our country all bleary-eyed and grumpy from being cooped up in a plane for God knows how many hours to get fingerprinted and have their photo taken. All this to enter the country that tells everyone just how gosh darn great we are because our legal system is predicated on the belief that everyone is innocent until proven guilty. We are now basically telling everyone who enters the country that we think they're guilty until some computer tells us they're not.

Now, you would think that the obviousness of the lameness of this thing would be apparent, that a cry would go throughout the land that we appreciate the concern, but no thanks. But no. I saw a poll somewhere saying that the thing had the support of like 87% of the country (and no, I don't have a link to back this up- I couldn't Google it. Just trust me, mmmkay?). Who cares if we piss off the rest of the world and who cares that it's becoming such a pain to come here that most people from other countries are just going to say "screw this, I'm going elsewhere" when, my God, won't somebody think of the children?

Okay, let's look at this another way. Let's pretend another country, let's say France, suddenly declared that because some Americans are nothing but bitches and hoes, they're going to photograph and fingerprint us when we land in Paris. Then, they'd run it through their "Bitches and Hoes" computer database (or, in France "Les Bitches et Les Hoes") to keep out all the Bitches and Hoes from entering the country. Imagine the outrage that would greet the policy. Just imagine the reaction of Jimmy Bob and Becky Lu Johnson of Lafayette Louisiana as they schlep off the plane and have to get fingerprinted. I'm sure they'd be accommodating. My guess is that the reaction would fall somewhere along the lines of "let's string the beret wearing bastards up!"

Surely, I jest. We Americans wouldn't do that. After all, if it's good enough for people entering this country, it's good enough for us. We're all in this together, right? And there's nothing we Americans do better than doing what we preach, of thinking about what life is like for other people. Well, the only country so far to tell off the good ole U S of A is Brazil. They figured what's good enough for the goose is good enough for the gander as it were and mandated that Americans have to get fingerprinted and photographed. And the reaction?

"Brazil arrests American Airlines pilot over obscene gesture during security check".

Oh yeah, by the way, it turns out we've officially protested to the Brazilian Government. Because, you know, it's so wrong to do that to us Americans because unlike the rest of the world (well, the non-white part of the World), we're just so gosh darn good. We never, never, never do anything violent or wrong (with the exception, of course, of our serial killers, gang members, political assassins, disgruntled teenagers, and Raiders fans.)

I've said it before and I'll say it again- we so suck right now.

I worked again today, this time doing a freelance gig. It's amazing how much better a job seems if you're given a Mac, access to the Internet, and Photoshop. Not to mention decent pay. The job is fairly mundane and boring but just because I'm sitting at a computer, doing extremely basic stuff with images, and get to surf the Web, it's okay. Anything's better than putting labels on things and getting my hands carved up by manila folders.

The job is in Fisherman's Wharf, which is a pretty weird place to work. I can't find a decent deli or coffee shop, but there's plenty of places where I can buy an "Alcatraz Swim Team" sweatshirt or "I Love San Francisco" t-shirt. What's also weird about it is that while I pretty much know my way around every other place in the city, I don't know anything about Fisherman's Wharf. It maybe the biggest tourist spot in the city where I've lived for the past twelve years, but I'm as lost as any tourist from Iowa down there. I actually got lost on my way to work this morning.

I got the job interviewing for another job there. The job I interviewed for was one of those weird jobs where they were looking for somebody who did not only graphics, not only database work, and not only print production, but sales too. This despite the fact that there are people who do graphics and people who do sales but never the twain shall meet. Graphics People and Sales people spend most of their time at offices glaring at one another- sales people glare at graphics people for not being able to crank out stupendous masterpieces at the drop of a hat and graphics people glare back at salespeople for making them work. I was tempted by the job, but as I am in no way a salesperson, I told them it wasn't for me. When I entered the office this morning, I realized that if I would have gotten the job, not only would I have gotten an office, but one with a huge window that overlooks the Bay. Maybe I should of said I could do sales.

The other thing about the job is that it's one of those "could end tomorrow, could end months later" type job. It's supposedly to do a couple week's worth of work, but as I kicked butt today, I'm thinking I might be out of there sooner. Which leaves me with this Catch-22: work my ass off and be done with it next week or drag it out and stick around for the two to three weeks I need to stay there to pay the bills. And supposedly if I do a really good job and they have the work for me, they might keep me on board for awhile. Or then again, maybe they won't.

Salon's big story today is about a movie starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal about gay cowboys. And you know what the first thing I thought of when I saw the story?

Will they be eating any pudding?

Yep, I'm a hot chick, I'm a hot chick and I can do anything I want. I can butt in line at the bathroom anytime I want because I'm a hot chick and I know that the guy in front of me isn't going to say anything because he thinks that if he says something he'll blow his chances to have sex with me. Of course, I'll never have sex with him cause I'm a hot chick and I don't have sex with guys like that, but every guy wants to have sex with me. And even if does say something, I'll just give him that look and make him feel like the Eight Grade loser at the Formal that he was. I can do that, of course, because I'm a hot chick.

I can do what I want.

Is the reason MTV is airing promos for getting AIDS tests during all the Real World and Real World-like shows because of the demographics of the people watching the show or the amount of diseases carried by people on the show?…Yes, I'm off the "Real World" wagon and I'm not happy about it….What does it mean that while shopping in Walgreens today, the store muzak went from bland-Belinda Carlisle ballad to Rush's "New Age Man?"...Is the new MTV promo where some girl goes up to read the Torah for her bat-mitzvah and does a full on Xtina/Mariah Carey/Mya-Rudolph-doing-Beyonce while doing the Barchu one of the funniest commercials ever?…Is Pete Rose merely the biggest douchebag on the planet or the biggest butt-munch?…

Why is nobody pointing out that if the Packers punter did what he's paid to do and shank the punk to the 2 or 3 yard-line, the Packers might have won and Mike Sherman would not be considered the NFL's Grady Little?… is Mike Martz the worst head-coach in NFL history?…What does it mean that, at first, I liked Carrie the most. Then I had a thing for Miranda, but Char's my favorite now? Is it because I'm getting softer in my old age? Is it the whole converting to Judaism thing? Or is it because she helped break up Billy and Allison?…Does it really take two to make things go right? What about making it outta sight?

Ex-Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill is in the news for writing a book in which he says a bunch of bad things about the President. Besides the fact he kind of calls him an idiot, the biggest, juiciest revelation is that Smirkboy and the Smirkettes were planning to go after Saddam from the get-go. He's even got memo's to prove it. The gist, of course, being that that the Bushies were planning on going after Saddam anyways and used 9/11 and a heavily over-stated intelligence report to sell it. In other words, he lied.

So today, just for the hell of it, I watched the news. Okay, so it was more because I was bored and there was nothing else on, but I still watched it. Naturally, the big issue being debated about the book was just how much of a disgruntled employee is and whether or not having those memos and showing them to a reporter is illegal (betcha the investigation looking into that will go much quicker than, say, the investigation into the Plame affair, 9/11, and Iraqi intelligence). MSNBC brought in the always sane and moderate Patrick Buchanon to discuss it. Buchanon, shockingly, thought O'Neill was extremely disgruntled, a lousy Cabinet Member, and completely classless (this coming from a man who once wrote a sympathetic column about ex-Klansman David Duke and doesn't think the Holocaust was as awful as it was). Somehow, the discussion centered more around what awful things Clinton did than anything Bush might have done. Fox News actually had a debate between ex-Clinton Labor Secretary Robert Reich and ex-RNC Chairman Somebodyorother which was more of a circle jerk between Hannity and the ex-RNC guy as they both sat there and emphatically shook their head at the thought- the mere thought- that O'Neill could be speaking the truth. Colmes tried to speak up and defend Reich, but upon the first welting by Hannity, whimpered back into the corner.

On the other hand, Brian Williams on CNBC actually had a full report on O'Neill and to punctuate just how incompetent he was, breathlessly brought up that while something was going on that was bad, the ex-Treasurer was in Africa with Bono, a rock star. They talked about all the angles to the story, but when both he and the reporter covering the story mentioned that there were reports that "preparations for the war" were done much earlier than everyone thought, they quickly said that it's only mere speculation and can't be proven because that would involve icky things like reporting and investigating and possibly incurring nasty looks at Washington cocktail parties.

As for CNN Headline News? They spent more time debating the great "Lord of the Rings/Big Fish" box-office brouhaha. Sure glad the issue of what movie was actually the biggest box-office draw last week was resolved.

Ex-Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill is in the news for writing a book in which he says a bunch of bad things about the President. Besides the fact he kind of calls him an idiot, the biggest, juiciest, revelation is that Smirkboy and the Smirkettes were planning to go after Saddam from the get-go. He's even got memos to prove it. The gist, of course, being that that the Bushies were planning on going after Saddam anyways and used 9/11 and a heavily over-stated intelligence report to sell it. In other words, he lied.

So today, just for the hell of it, I watched the news. Okay, so it was more because I was bored and there was nothing else on, but I still watched it. Naturally, the big issue being debated about the book was not what he said but on just how much of a disgruntled employee he is and whether or not having those memos and showing them to a reporter is illegal (betcha the investigation looking into that will go much quicker than, say, the investigation into the Plame affair, 9/11, and Iraqi intelligence). MSNBC brought in the always sane and moderate Patrick Buchanon to discuss it. Buchanon, shockingly, thought O'Neill was extremely disgruntled, a lousy Cabinet Member, and completely classless (this coming from a man who once wrote a sympathetic column about ex-Klansman David Duke and doesn't think the Holocaust was as awful as it was). Somehow, the discussion centered more around what awful things Clinton did than anything Bush might have done. Fox News actually had a debate between ex-Clinton Labor Secretary Robert Reich and ex-RNC Chairman Somebodyorother which was more of a circle jerk between Hannity and the ex-RNC guy as they both sat there and emphatically shook their head at the thought- the mere thought- that O'Neill could be speaking the truth. Colmes tried to speak up and defend Reich, but upon the first welting by Hannity, whimpered back into the corner.

On the other hand, Brian Williams on CNBC actually had a full report on O'Neill and to punctuate just how incompetent he was, mentioned that while something was going on that was bad, the ex-Treasurer went to Africa with Bono. They talked about all the angles to the story, but when both he and the reporter covering the story mentioned that there were reports that "preparations for the war" were done much earlier than everyone thought, they quickly said that it's only mere speculation and can't be proven because that would involve icky things like reporting and investigating and possibly incurring nasty looks at Washington cocktail parties.

As for CNN Headline News? They spent more time debating the great "Lord of the Rings/Big Fish" box-office brouhaha. Sure glad the issue of what movie was actually the biggest box-office draw last week was resolved.

Is it any wonder more and more people are now getting their news from "the Daily Show?"

Wrote this earlier last week but didn't post it due to being to tired to work on it. Also, not sure it was really that entertaining (and as we know, everything posted on here is entertaining). Anyways, I'm posting it now, for reasons that'll become clear towards the end.

I haven't listened to the radio in a long, long time, but now that I'm working, I'm listening to it again. Surprisingly, Live 105 (the "alternative" modern rock stations) is actually listenable again. Of course, this could because they're mainly playing songs that are around 10 years old, but still, I was impressed. Nice variety (everything from the Cure's "Fascination Street" to Stone Temple Pilot's "Trippin' On a Hole In a Paper Heart" to new White Stripes) and they played no Limp Bizkit, Korn, or any generic Woe Is Me (Emo?) band. Most amazingly, they've stopped playing the same songs over and over again. Hell, I even heard them play the Sex Pistols.

What this means, I don't know. It did seem awfully strange that they were emphasizing older stuff and not newer stuff. After all, the whole point of an "Alternative" radio station is to play new stuff (as opposed to what it's really supposed to be, playing music that's an "alternative" to everything else, but can anyone really say Blink-182 is an alternative to anything?). Anyways, what this means could be one of three things.

1)Live 105 seems to be giving up on the Gen Y and going after Gen X. So much for "Modern Rock."

2)There's a new format out there, featuring primarily songs from the "hey day" of Alternative Music, the late 80's and 90's. Call it "Classic Alternative" (would that make Classic Rock, "Classic, Classic Rock?")

3)Even the kids today realize that most new rock music sucks.

So today I checked out the New York Times and discovered that I'm right. There is a new format out there. Classic Alternative is now the thing. And if I had only posted it last week, y'all would be amazed once again at my perceptive wonders.

Does this mean that "Under the Bridge" is our "Stairway" and "Alive" our "Freebird?" Will Soundgarden release a new member with only Kim Thayil and a Chris Cornell sound-alike that Kim discovered in a Gap? And will Dave Navarro cheese out and do a reality show with some ex-Baywatch Babe that makes you reconsider if Jane's Addiction was really that cool to begin with?

As a card-carrying member of Gen-X, one who did his fare share of flannel wearing in mosh pits, all I can say is meh. As someone once said " You glorify the past/When the future dries up. I...I believe in love." What the "I believe in love" part has to do with anything, I don't know, but whatever. You get my point.

Did like listening to Live 105, though.

Oh yeah, there's nothing like going to a bar at 10 in the morning to sit down and watch some serious football day. All seven hours worth.

I'm so tired.

I was thinking that instead of doing a coin-toss to determine who gets to kick and who receives for an overtime game, wouldn't it be cool if they livened things up a bit by doing something else? Like having them rochembau for it. Or thumb-wrestle. Maybe even have the ref announce to everyone, the crowd included of course, that he's thinking of a number between 1 and 10 and whoever's closest gets to choose.

Temp Job, Day III:

I calculated that today I affixed labels to around 140 folders. In an eight hour day, that's about 17 and a half folders an hour or, if you want to get really specific, two and a half folders per playing of the Scorpions "Still Loving You." Somehow, I get this feeling I should be doing more as the task isn't that difficult, but what are you going to do about it? Maybe I'd do more if I wasn't spending so much time flipping through the radio dial in search of something to listen to.

I'm starting to realize just how much my stupid ex-boss got to me. This morning, when my supervisor looked through a stack of folders I had done and (naturally) found one of the few I had messed up on, I was half expecting her to call a quick ten minute meeting to give me a complete breakdown of everything I did wrong over the past couple of days, followed by a "shape or ship out" speech. Or I was half-expecting her to slam her fist down on her desk and exclaim "Oh My God!!!" in utter incredulousness at my inability to put the stickers in perfect alignment (my ex-boss actually did that one time, after over-hearing something I said to a vendor over the phone. For the rest of the time I was there, I'd either make phone calls to vendors when she wasn't around or got so paranoid talking on the phone while she was there that I couldn't even say "hi this is…. " without nervously glancing over at her).

I started to think during the day, what if I wasn't really doing this that well? The stickers were coming off, I missed stickers on a few of them, and I noticed that between 51-800 & 51-900 I missed about half of the folders, making me wonder what else I missed. Was it just those few that I messed up on, a mere few out of hundreds, or was I sucking? And if I was seriously screwing up sticking labels on hundreds of folders, is it a measure of my being a total fuck-up or my being totally sane?

This is too easy, but...

From the San Francisco Examiner:
Buddhist monk stabbed in G.G. Park

That's gotta be bad, karma wise.

Temp Job, Day II:

Today was a big day, no more filing. Instead, I'm labeling. All day I'm sitting in the stuffy closet and stickering all the AP files-to-be for 2004. Luckily, I'm pretty good at Stickering. I was an Honor Student in Stickering in Kindergarten. In fact, I was so good at it, I could have qualified for the Ralph Wiggum National Stickering Championship Semi-Finals if it weren't for a tragic accident to my cuticles caused by an over-heated Hot Pocket.

Other than being half-asleep (see comment about getting buzzed at 2 in the morning) today wasn't that bad. Of course, due to circumstances beyond my control, I only worked five hours. Tomorrow, I have eight hours of putting labels on folders to look forward to.

I'm more excited than Michael Jackson at a Chuck E. Cheese.

I have decided to start a rock band. After listening to Live 105 for the past couple of days and watching a lot of MTV, I have come upon a sure-fire way of becoming a rock star. All I have to do is follow these basic rules:

-Wear either lots of tattoos and skateboard gear or lots of tattoos and punk-rock gear. Big, thick-rimmed glasses and/or trucker hats help too, as well as t-shirts with goofy things writen on them.

-Write either slow songs or fast songs. Slow songs will start off really slow and mellow, then build to chorus as power chords kick in and singer screams about something he's really upset about. Fast songs will be extra catchy (think hit) two-to-three minute punk songs that feature harmonies and "punk rock" attitude. Note: it appears having a DJ and rapping is no longer in, but shout outs to 80's New Wave is. Must either get Morrissey to guest or do cover of 80's tune.

-Lyrics to slow songs should be about how nobody understands me/awful things mom and dad did to me/how guilty I feel for breaking up with someone. No individuality to lyrics and subtlety necessary. Fast songs must have goofy lyrics about what a clod I am trying to date girls and how much High School sucks.

-Videos for slow songs must feature lots of sad, depressed looking people, the sadder, more depressed the better. Singer in video must sound like he's in so much pain it's looking like he's getting root canal. Fast songs must show band being goofy and making fun of selves.

-In interviews, talk about how parents either had nasty divorce, were alcoholics, or were abusive Be earnest and for God-sakes, don't say anything anybody would find offensive (ie politics. Nobody likes political punk bands). Talk about how Kurt Cobain changed life.

-Try to appear on MTV as much as possible. Not only on "TRL Live" but "Cribs," "Punk'd" and "MTV Movie House" too. Aim to be on something at least once a week. Hang out on TRL Set whenever in New York (they love pop-ins!) and say how you're only there because of the kids. Hope to parlay it into reality sitcom in which case, you're in baby, you're in!

To the person who buzzed my apartment (repeatedly) last night at 2 in the morning, Bite Me. Seriously. You try getting back to sleep after getting scared to death due to a loud, incessant buzzing noise.

Aye carumba.

So the Temp job both sucked and blows. I spent all day moving the AP files for 2002 from the supply closet to a hallway and then 2003 AP files from the drawers inside the office to the supply closet. Eight hours of moving boxes, filing folders, and pushing push carts, all in a stuffy, tiny supply closet. I'm really tired, my back hurts, and I got nicks from the filing folders all over my arms. And yes, if you want cheese with this whine, I recommend a good Camelbert or Gouda.

The good news is that the Temp Agency called while I was working to tell me what a good job I was doing. The bad news is that the Temp Agency called while I was working to tell me what a good job I was doing. They said if I do a good job here (and how could one not, actually) they have tons of work for me. Which means if I do a good job filing, I can expect more filing jobs. Woo the hoo. And all I want out of life right now is cushy data entry/word processing job, the kind of job where nothing is lifted, nothing is nicked, and nothing is done while standing. I want "Haiku Tunnel" , not "put the commissions on a separate shelf from the 02-5000's."

In a way, I'm facing the Sarah Dilemna, the very-same dilemna faced by Sarah from Road Rules and her performance on "the RW/RR Gauntlet Challenge." For those not watching "the Gauntlet" (ie, most normal people) Sarah finds herself constantly sent to the Gauntlet by her vile and contemptible teammates for not being one of the cool kids and for not sleeping with everyone else or having threesomes in the showers. Well, and sucking too, but that's another story. Anyways, despite the fact Sarah keeps on finding herself being sent to the Gauntlet and despite the fact she hates being there and hates her teammates, she somehow always sucks it up and winds up winning the thing, thus sending home a Real World member. So she's confronted with a dilemna- keep on winning even though she knows she's helping her teammates and being stuck in the hellish situation or saying "screw you guys, I'm outta here" and throw the thing to screw everyone over and go home.

And so, inspired by Sarah, I'm gonna suck it up and go full "Rudy" on this one. Maybe I too can make the Gauntlet Finals of life.

Editor's Note-We apologize for the rather lame-ass ending to this posting, but we only had a few minutes to write this as we were out the door for Pub Night. It will not happen again

-Somehow cut myself shaving. On my hand. Have no idea how but all I know is that I reached over to grab a towel and felt an owie between my thumb and pointer finger

-Got a three day temp job doing filing downtown. Good to see that I've moved up from using my expertise in counting and writing down numbers to alphabetizing. The Temp Agency even told me if I do a good job, they have lots of work for me, just like this job. I'm psyched.

-Something's up with my remote control so that while I can punch in a number for a channel over 100, I can't do it for a channel under 100. That means if say I'm watching VH-1(channel 44) I can't just flip it to Fox (channel 2), but can for HBO (channel 565). I have to go into the Guide, click through all the channels, and hit the channel I want when it comes up. While not a big deal, this is kind of a pain in the ass for those of us who are itinerant channel flippers.

-Suck ass phone is sucking ass even more than normal and as a result, two job related phone calls sounded like I was calling somebody from Albania.

-Turns out the Jason Alexander Britney married was not George Costanza. (side note- what's the over-under for Britney being in rehab by the end of '04? Or '05? We're looking at an all-time great flame-out, folks).

-Lo-flo toilet is turning more and more into a No-Flush toilet

-My brilliant pyramid scheme to pay for this month's finances has collapsed spectacularly due to Unemployment screwing me over yet again over a check. Note to Government- look I realize that there's deficit's everywhere and you have to make up for it somehow, but maybe you should have thought about that before you slashed taxes, got rid of car fees, or vowed to never ever raise taxes.

In other words, on the fifth day of the New Year, everything returned to normal.

It was here, the big climax. The big moment. After three hours of movie, around nine total, it was time. The ring was lying in lava inside of Mt. Doom, Frodo was hanging onto dear life, and all around was a jaw-dropping landscape straight out of a Hieronymus Bosch painting. As I stared in awe at what I was witnessing for the second time, I noticed a glow coming to my left, from someone in the audience up front by the screen. Somebody was actually checking their messages.

Duuuude.

He should have just done what half the audience did- check their messages while on their way out the door of the theater. Cause, you know, you have to check your messages right after a three hour movie because I'm sure you probably just missed the most important phone call of your life.

I read this Letter to the Editor, written by an under-sexed and over-educated Grad student complaining about the un PC-ness of "The Return of the King" (Classism & Racism! Unambiguous Characterizations! Throbbing score!) in the Chron last week and said to self: self, you gotta snark on this letter. The thing was the more I read it, the more I realized that I couldn't actually parody it because it already verges on parody. In fact, it's already parodied here, on McSweeneys: Unused Audio Commentary By Howard Zinn and Noam Chomsky , Recorded For the Felowship of the Ring DVD (I also recommend the Unused Audio Commentary By Dinesh D'Souza and Ann Coulter, Recorded Spring 2003, for Aliens Special Red-State Edition DVD to get a laugh at the polemics of the other side).

I will say this, however: I wonder what this guy takes his date when they go out to see the movies?

The good and the ugly of 'Lord'

The widespread adulation of Peter Jackson's "Lord of the Rings" movies would not be so disturbing if we as a society were less apt to conflate fantasy and reality. In fantasy, the line between good and evil is crisp, the good guys are recognizable by their good looks, and the bad guys are very, very ugly. In reality, our world is textured by ambiguity, and yet we have a president whose simplistic moral absolutism is met not with laughter but with nods of approval. "The Lord of the Rings" is not, of course, a political allegory. However, it does mirror our society's desire to reduce a complicated world into good versus evil.

Jackson's orcs have working-class Cockney accents, and the only appearance of nonwhite humans in all three films happens to be that of savage men allied with the forces of evil. This is not to say that the "Lord of the Rings" movies are classist or racist; it's just that Jackson has no problem exploiting stereotypes and prejudices to entertain us. By employing every cultural convention and archetype available, we can immediately recognize Eomer's nobility, Arwen's virtue and Wormtongue's duplicity.

The literally dehumanized orcs are homogenous and hideous, mirroring our real-life tendency to cast our enemies as less than human and less than individuals. The orcs are convenient because they allow us to delight in head chopping and limb hacking without transgressing a PG-13 rating. The martial heroes of "The Lord of the Rings," like those of "Braveheart" and "The Gladiator," don't want to fight but are reluctantly dragged into their grisly duties by the incorrigible brutality of their enemies.

Thus our upright heroes can in heart be lovers of peace, but we can still revel in the violence.

This is hypocrisy. "The Lord of the Rings" is an exceptional piece of entertainment, but in many ways it is like any other blockbuster movie in its glorification of violence. The throbbing score, the sweeping landscapes and the teary slow-motion scenes bordered by white halos all coalesce to form a spectacle as subtle as a jackhammer.

We cannot accept its crude shock-and-awe effects and totalizing vision with the unblinking praise heaped on it by most current film reviewers. Its militant subtext should prompt a wince or two, some shuffling of the feet and even a few questions about our culture, our heroes and our values.

I was walking the dog the other night and saw a car driving around with one of those "Free Tibet" bumper stickers from back in the day. Just wondering, but how'd that thing ever work out? Did the Beastie Boys ever Free Tibet?

Nothing changes on New Year’s Day except this- I worked today. Actually, temped is more like it and while it hopefully is a harbinger of things to come, getting paid nine bucks an hour to drag my sleep-deprived, hungover ass to some fabously frou-frou boutique in the Marina for $9 an hour to do inventory. Especially considering that all my years of professional experience so far has gotten me a temp job for something that basically involves counting and writing things down.

As depressing as the job was, what really had me in full dread mode was the possibility that out of all the temps who would be brought in to help out, I would be the only one whose even neared being 30. Nothing like giving you that feeling of “how did I get here” like temping with a bunch of 22 year olds fresh out of college and just happy to be working because it gives them extra money for their weekend in Tahoe. Fortunately, the three other temps who were brought in were pretty close to my age. Unfortunately, we also worked with all of the boutique’s staff who were all a bunch of women in their mid-twenties. They all looked like they had just stepped out of an Ambercrombie & Fitch catalogue and worshipped at the altar of “Sex & the City” (whatever statement this is on the state of our economy is up for you to make as econ was never my strength. If you want to say “mid-level jobs are disappearing as the only jobs left available are low-paying, service industry type jobs" be my guest, but please keep in mind that the stock market is over 10,000 these days and as a bunch of rich, white guys are getting richer right now, nobody really cares). As our job was to basically help the staff count invoice in the store, it meant that we were relegated to doing whatever tasks the staff felt necessary for us to do, which in my case consisted of writing down and reading back all of the sku numbers and prices asked of me by my team member, one of the 24 year olds. This was all being managed by another 24 year old in impeccably trendy jeans and a first name of “Starla.” As for “how the hell did I get here” moments, I did have a momentary moment when I entered mid-way into a conversation the girls were having about what turned out to be the first season of “Sorority Life” and was able to kibbitz with them about it.

All of this has pretty much made me realize that the reason for this whole recent bout of unemployment is because the Powers That Be/the Elders/the Big Kahuna or whoever is out there must have decided that I didn’t quite sink low enough during my previous bout of unemployment and are damn sure that I hit that low point this time around. Either that or they must have decided that as it was too much fun to screw with me last time, have decided to have at me again for shits and giggles. To which I thank them.

PS- One more note on the state of the economy- what can you say about the economy when at a dinner New Year’s Eve, 6 out of 13 people were unemployed. Granted, two of them were unemployed by nature of the fact they sold a restaurant they owned and don’t quite qualify as being “laid off” but that still means 4 out 13 people were laid off. One of them in October another one several hours before dinner (luv ya Sammy). Oh, but I forgot the stock market’s doing really well those days. Nevermind.