I have decided to start a rock band. After listening to Live 105 for the past couple of days and watching a lot of MTV, I have come upon a sure-fire way of becoming a rock star. All I have to do is follow these basic rules:

-Wear either lots of tattoos and skateboard gear or lots of tattoos and punk-rock gear. Big, thick-rimmed glasses and/or trucker hats help too, as well as t-shirts with goofy things writen on them.

-Write either slow songs or fast songs. Slow songs will start off really slow and mellow, then build to chorus as power chords kick in and singer screams about something he's really upset about. Fast songs will be extra catchy (think hit) two-to-three minute punk songs that feature harmonies and "punk rock" attitude. Note: it appears having a DJ and rapping is no longer in, but shout outs to 80's New Wave is. Must either get Morrissey to guest or do cover of 80's tune.

-Lyrics to slow songs should be about how nobody understands me/awful things mom and dad did to me/how guilty I feel for breaking up with someone. No individuality to lyrics and subtlety necessary. Fast songs must have goofy lyrics about what a clod I am trying to date girls and how much High School sucks.

-Videos for slow songs must feature lots of sad, depressed looking people, the sadder, more depressed the better. Singer in video must sound like he's in so much pain it's looking like he's getting root canal. Fast songs must show band being goofy and making fun of selves.

-In interviews, talk about how parents either had nasty divorce, were alcoholics, or were abusive Be earnest and for God-sakes, don't say anything anybody would find offensive (ie politics. Nobody likes political punk bands). Talk about how Kurt Cobain changed life.

-Try to appear on MTV as much as possible. Not only on "TRL Live" but "Cribs," "Punk'd" and "MTV Movie House" too. Aim to be on something at least once a week. Hang out on TRL Set whenever in New York (they love pop-ins!) and say how you're only there because of the kids. Hope to parlay it into reality sitcom in which case, you're in baby, you're in!