And yes, it is the High Holy Days, thanks for asking. Monday is Yom Kippur and last Friday was Rosh Hashanah. I was gonna post a long, bitter piece about why I'm not really into going to services, but as I'm still in need of a job, I'm gonna hedge my bets and not piss off any sort of diety or force that might get all huffy if I diss Him.

Not only that, I'm not going to services, not taking the days off from work, and not fasting. I can't afford to go to services (they're super expensive) which is the same reason why I can't take time off from work (need cash). Besides, I hate services. Not just because they're boring, but most of them resemble the skit in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life where all the services consist of toadying up to the Lord for being so big, huge and, well, "just so super". I also have an interview tomorrow and damnit, priorities. I'm sure even the Big Guy would understand. If He doesn't, I'm screwed.

Why I'm not fasting is, well, complicated.

The idea behind is fasting is to be some sort of symbolic purge. You purge yourself of your sins and your slate is wiped clean as it were from the Book of Life. I, however, don't think I need to do that much fasting. There's not much in the past year that I've done that could cause me to do some serious fasting. I'm a good boy, a nice boy, you're all around, nice Jewish boy. I don't cause much trouble, I try to avoid doing anything wrong, and always try do the right thing. I vote Democrat, don’t own an SUV and love all kittens and puppies

That's why I don't think I need to fast the whole day. Maybe for part of the day, but not for the full 24 hours. In fact, consider the shit I've had happen to me this past year, I think I'm owed a pig-out on Monday. Not only that, but in the past year, I've been dicked over for a lot of jobs, dumped twice, and had my bike stolen. All of which are far worse things than I've done this year. The way I see it, there should be a lot of people fasting on my account.

To figure out just how good or bad of a boy I've been, let's tally up the score, based on the The Ten Commandments (and no, not the movie).

1) Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
I can't really say I believe in God. There's a term for my Theistic philosophy, but I can't really recall what it's called right now. I do know it's somewhere along the lines of George Costanza's belief that the only reason for the existence of God is to screw him over. Since I don't really believe in God- any god- then, I can't really say I have any gods before God. I'm good on this one.

2)Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
Hmm. Let's see, I have thought a lot of not nice thoughts about the Big Guy in my head, but I'm pretty sure that's okay. In fact, it's one of the cool things about being Jewish, that it's one of the nature's of the religion to constantly question the existence of God and you're relationship with Him (you've seen Fiddler on the Roof). Even the Black Hats (the Hassidim) constantly question God. This is different from certain religions which will remain nameless in which you're not allowed to think about anything. Ever.

As for saying bad things out loud against Jehovah ("stone him! Stone him!"), my usual curses are "mother fucker" and "Jesus Fucking Christ," which I'm pretty sure I'm in the clear for because I'm Jewish. I do, however, have a propensity for muttering "God damn, motherfucking Son of bitch" when I'm really pissed off. Have a feeling that's kind of a bad kind of curse. Got me on that one.

3)Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them
Hmm, I do have kind of a Buffy shrine going in my apartment, does that count?

4)Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Technically, I do not keep the Sabbath holy. I do not go to Temple and do not turn off all the electricity and refuse to answer the phone or preroll my toilet paper so I don't have to expend the energy to tear it when I'm taking a shit. On the other hand, the point of the Sabbath is to take it easy and relax, to do anything other than work or something really strenuous. Since most of my Saturday's consist of napping, playing softball, watching the ball game and the occasional Real World marathon, I think I'm golden.


5)Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long.
We'll just skip this one

6)Thou shalt not kill.
In the clear here.

7)Thou shalt not commit adultery.
I'm single as single can be so I don't think I have much to worry about with this one.

8)Thou shalt not steal.
When I was a kid, I once stole a guitar pick from a music store. I was so guilt ridden, I went back to the store and returned it. In other words, I am not a crook. One could, however, make the case that by puttting eight hours on my Temp agency time card when I really probably only work six hours and spend the other two hours taking a really long lunch, reading the New York Times and the Washington Post, and checking out the Buffy Boards that that's a form of stealing, I do, however, make the daily quota.

We'll call this a draw.

9)Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

I'm not a great liar, either, but have lied on occasion. Not "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" or "invest in Enron, they're a great company" kind of lies, but little white lies. And aren't little white lies what makes society flow so well? And I have started lying through my teeth during job interviews, but damnit, I needs a job.

Oh well, guess I'm guilty of this one. But not by a lot.

10)Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor's.
Since my neighbor's kind of hot, I could be accused of coveting her, but I don't know her well enough to know if I covet anything else of her's. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a wife, manservant, ox, nor ass (animal, ass, not the other kind, although it's rather nice), so I think I'm okay on this one.

See, that's not such a bad year. It's not like I've bilked shareholders, wrote Slander, or gotten busted with some rock cocaine while daddy is up for re-election.

Besides, I hate fasting. Have you ever tried it? It sucks. Especially if you do go to services. It's so boring all you can do is sit there and think about how much you really, really, really want a burrito.