Reporter:…further documents are beginning to prove conclusively that not only did the Bush administration not plan ahead for the post-war period, but that, in fact, the Pentagon actually based most of their decisions on a Magic 8-ball. The White House has….

Quick cut away. Dramatic music is cued and a picture of Ben Afleck and Jlo appear on the screen, American flag in the background, and this logo appears "Ben Afleck and Jennifer Lopez- the Wedding of the Century."
Go to shot of anchor person

Anchor Person: Sorry to pull away from that story, but we have a late, breaking news development. According to several sources, Ben Afleck and Jennifer Lopez have split up. I repeat, Ben Afleck and Jennifer Lopez have split up. We now go live to our Hollywood Reporter, Miffy Pendergrast for the latest, Miffy…

Miffy: Yes, thanks. I'm here from Hollywood with the latest word of the Ben Afleck/Jennifer Lopez relationship. There are several unconfirmed reports from a variety of sources saying that not only will they not be getting married, but they have, in fact, broken up. Sources are unclear, however, as to whether the break-up is final or just a bump in the road between America's sweethearts.

Anchor: Miffy, is there any official word yet from either actor's camp as to what happened?

Miffy: Unfortunately, not. The spokespeople for both Ben and Jen are refusing to take calls, but the report has been confirmed by several credible sources. It does appear that they are on the outs.

Anchor: Thanks Miffy, is there any indication as to what the cause was?

Miffy: It's not as clear yet, however, one source has confirmed to me that Jennifer realized that Ben was nothing more than a good-looking male bimbo and that Ben realized that Jennifer was not who she claimed to be. In fact, one source said that Ben has grown increasingly dismayed over the fact that, as the source said, and I quote, "she's no longer just Jenny from the block."

Anchor: Obviously this is heartbreaking news not just for Hollywood, but for America. What's it like in Hollywood? How are people reacting to the latest word?

Miffy: Well, obviously people here in Hollywood are devastated. In fact, the Mayor of Hollywood has ordered that all the flags be lowered at half-mast tomorrow and that there be a period of silence tomorrow morning to commemerate the unfortunate turn of events.

Anchor: Thanks Miffy. For more on what happened, we'd like to introduce Access Hollywood Gossip Expert, Betty Lou Babble

Betty Lou: Well, according to my sources, several days before the wedding Jennifer was all like "if Ben's gonna keep on going to strip-clubs, I'm SO gonna dump him." And when she told this to Ben, Ben was all like "no way" and then when Jennifer heard him say that she was all in his face and told him to talk to the hand.

Anchor: Interesting and thanks for the information. I'd like now like to introduce Ned Nitwit, Senior Fellow of the Duff Foundation. Ned, how do you think this is going to affect the California Recall Election?

Ned: Well, obviously with all this attention being brought to Hollywood celebrities, it could only help bring further attention to the importance of Hollywood Stars. This, of course, can only help Schwarzenegger. In fact, Conservatives have already blasted Gray Davis for causing the break-up. Meanwhile, State Senator Tom McClintock issued a statement saying how more Hollywood couples would be able to last if it weren't for such high taxes in the state.

Anchor: Thanks Ned. And for further analysis, we turn to Anne Coulter, author of such books as "Treason" and "All Liberals Should be Shot." Anne?

Anne: Yes, thank you. As Ben is a noted Hollywood Liberal, this further proves that liberal Democrats are completely unable to get married and live healthy, happy lives. As we all know, only Conservative Republicans have successful relationships. It is for this reason why I advocate in my latest book that every liberal should be rounded up and shot.

Anchor: Thanks Anne for your usual insightful commentary. For one more take on the ending of what America has lovingly referred to "Bennifer," we have commentary from noted moral prude Bill Bennet, Bill?

Bill: Well all I can say is that I'm actually happy that the relationship is over. I had them at 4-1 odds in Vegas that they wouldn't get married.

Anchor: Well okay, now we'll take you back to our regularly scheduled programming, "Larry King Live, with special Guest Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop."